Saturday, September 06, 2008

• Our Heart Belongs to Another

  

   

    Don't you hate that feeling?  You have been convincing yourself that you do not like the guy (or gal) and have been so firm in that decision.  Then you realize, you can't deny it any longer.  You are deeply into this person.  You cannot wait to talk with them again, spend time with, look at them, just anything to be near them.  It's not this feeling I'm talking about.  This is a wonderful feeling.  It's the feeling when you find out that they feel the same way about someone else.

    Don't you hate it?  I sure do.  It recently reared it's head back at me, and even though I've put up "exile" posters around my heart, warning it not to come back ever into my land, it managed to sneak in and steal a sheep.  All I can do is face it, but it hurts so much.  And the thing is that I really thought I was working hard at not falling for the guy.  It's happened once before with the same guy, and though there wasn't anyone else involved the first time and the feeling was rather a cousin to this dreaded one, they have all the similarities of being from the same family.  It hurts.

    I don't like to hurt.  None of us do.  Physical hurts almost seem more bearable than the emotional ones.  Maybe because there isn't an antibiotic, pain killer, or surgery that can change the symptoms and the whole condition of the hurt within a matter of hours.  Emotional pain requires healing or the death of some part of our heart.  We all walk around with these hurts, these dead parts of our hearts from past relationships.  If we could see the emotional condition of our hearts, if we could physically look at it, what would we see? 

    I think it would look a lot like the butterfly above.  I was walking home from the convenient store when I saw this guy munching away at a flower (I understand that butterflies don't "munch" but it was the best term to use).  I was amazed that he is still able to fly with all the damage done to his wings.  I snapped a picture (yes, with the intent of using it in a blog...I'm a nerd) and then have held on to it hoping God would show me something to use it for.  Little did I know how much this butterfly and I have in common.  We are both damaged goods.  I have spent most of the day in prayer to God asking Him to heal my heart and to bring "the one" soon, so that I don't have to keep going through this pain. 

    He brought me to Psalm 139.  It is a favorite passage of mine, as it is with many.  Verses 9 and 10 were confirmation verses to me that if I went into mission work, God would not forget me, and I'd be as secure with Him anywhere in the world as I would at home.  I started reading it while at the train station waiting to go to work.  I only got through verse 6.  It is innocent enough, take a look:

  O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

  You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
  you discern my thoughts from afar.

  You search out my path and my lying down
  and are acquainted with all my ways.

  Even before a word is on my tongue,
  behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

  You hem me in, behind and before,
  and lay your hand upon me.

  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
  it is high;  I cannot attain it.
  Psalm 139:1-6 [ESV]

  It's easy, well for me, to overlook the full meaning of these verses.  The rest of the chapter talks about God knitting us together in our mother's womb, so this psalm is often read during baby dedications and pro-life conferences.  But, I want to change the perspective for you.  Think of these verses not as a baby to its Father, but as a beloved to her Lover.  It changes things, doesn't it?  Read the verses again, pausing in between each verse.  I'll wait.

    These are the deep, passionate expressions of God's love for us.  He woos us, thinks about us at every moment, longs to see us, wants to spend all the time He can with us.  And then we blow it.  How?  Our hearts belong to another.  These feelings of love that He has for us, do we return them?  No, He has the mortification to find out that we would rather have someone else.  Whether that "someone else" is another person, or possessions, or an idea like success or happiness, or even (possibly with all of us) ourselves, we have given our hearts so willingly to something other than the One Who deeply loves us more than we can ever imagine.

    It's not a surprise to God.  It's not like He faces the same heartache that we do of being deceived by another person who we adore.  It's not like He stumbles upon the truth of our not returning His love.  He knows all things.  He has searched us and known us.  He knows when we sit down and when we rise up.  He discerns our thoughts from afar.  He is acquainted with all our ways.

    What's different about God is that He still pursues us.  Despite our being totally and completely in love with something else, He still pursues us and loves us as strongly as ever.  One day, when we have surrendered everything to Him, He will heal our hearts.  He will take the dead parts, the parts that we have killed to avoid pain, and make them alive again.  Then He will hold us close to Him, where no evil can enter ever again.  And heartache will be no more.  Today, God called me back to Himself.  He reminded me that my heart cannot belong to anyone else but Him.  It's His.  He's claimed it long ago, and He's the only One who can love me the way I need to be loved.  He offers the same to you.

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