I was contemplating today how I had heard someone in the ministry say that God called him into it because heneeded to be kept on a short leash.  I realized, maybe a few years ago, that this also applies to me.  While some would like to glorify what I am doing over here, itis not the truth.  I am no holier than anyone else and these last two days prove it.  We have not had access to the internet these two days and, while I thought it was only my computer, it's the whole Center.  Also, my mp3 players broke on Thursday.  Without these two things, my world continues to turn, but I'm having a hard time keeping up.

I began to wonder why and came to the conclusion that I have been neglecting God and so He's drawing me back in.  Also, my sin has affected the whole of this building.  What is funny is that while I was coming to this conclusion, in the next room over, the other teacher cam to it as well, but for herself.  Even so, I have still refused to converse with God and I can sense Him outside my door waiting and wondering when I'll just give up and let Him in.

I have become preoccupied lately.  Preoccupied with "good" things: my updates back home, building relationships with the lost, listening to sermons, and possibly falling in love with a man, a good, godly missions-minded man.  But none of these are God!  I had promised at the beginning that my mp3 player would not be used in transit, so that I would use that time to read the Bible or a Christian Living book.  I failed that.  I had decided that I would do a sketch on God's characteristics, but have failed that as well.  I also decided I would go through all of Paul's letters...I'm still in the 1st chapter of Romans. 

I fail and fail and fail.  I wonder how my predecessors had done it before me.  Someone like Amy Carmichael...was she such a fickle and uncommitted person as I am?  All the beautiful and devited things she wrote, were those on her good days that came once a week?  once a month?

Proverbs 2:1-15...specifically verses 4-5: if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

All will fall in place when I give God His due place in my life ---> #1!

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"This is momentous knowledge.  There is unspeakable comfort - the sort of comfort that energises, be it said, not enervates* - in knowing that God is constantly taking knowledge of me in love, and watching over me for my good.  There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion Him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me.  There is, certainly, great cause for humility in the thought that He sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow-men do not see (and I am glad!), and that He sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself (which, in all conscience, is enough).  There is, however, equally great incentive to worship and love God in the thought that, for some unfathomable reason, He wants me as His friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given His Son to die for me in order to realise this purpose.  We cannot work these thoughts out here, but merely to mention them is enough to show how much it means to know, not merely that we know God, but the He knows us."

J.I.Packer
"Knowing God"

*enervates: to weaken or destroy the strength or vitality