I've just got this feeling in my heart that I should write to you guys about an issue that has been concerning me since Xtend.(this christian camp I've just spent the last six days at!) Have any of you read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" or "Boy meets Girl" by Joshua Harris? It's basically a set of books about dating, marriage and guarding your heart against the enemy. The reason I write this email is that I noticed alot of touching and intimate name calling at xtend between guys and girls who were just friends. This was mostly in the form of lingering hugs, piggy back rides, close dancing, and play wrestle. Some of these activites seem perfectly innocent, but they just seem dangerous to me. I know I was guilty of this myself, but I think its really important to be careful with your emotions. Infact I even kissed one of my guy friends on the cheek which I immediately regreted as I caught stubble and cut my lips. Message from God? I think so!

I have made the decision to stop listening to non-christian music and movies for a while until I can watch them without desiring a relationship myself. I understand that God has the perfect guy for me picked out ahead of time, and I need to be paitent and not search for him myself. I think its a blessing that its a mystery, because right now, you could be disgusted by the guy god has chosen for you because they aren't ready to be united with you. They may need more spiritual guidance from God and may need more time to "ripen" before God places them in your life, or in your heart. It could be anyone. I really encourage you guys and girls to refrain from hugging a friend of the opposite gender for too long (hugs are lovely xooooox) and to stay from play fighting or getting to close. Save your emotions for your worship time with God, or for close friends of the same gender. I think males are great because they offer something different to the mix, have different ideas of the world and a fresh perspective but it can be tempting to get closer than is really neccessary. This is kind of embarrassing, because I am sending this to some of my church friends, so please don't think I'm some sort of freak next time you see me. I just feel concerned.
 
I really think you should read the two books I have suggested, even if you aren't interested in getting into a courtship or anything. It has some really great love stories in there of God pulling people together, and lots of things in them that are really gems and worth thinking about. I'm going to leave you with some scripture, straight from the heart of God, and I hope it helps you.
 
(purity) "Come now, let us reason together" says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are as red as crimson, they shall be like wool." Isaiah 1:18
 
Just to let you know, I take no credit for all of this. This is stuff straight from the book, and from the mouth of God. I'm just passing it on, because I think its really really important!
 
2 Corinthians 1:12 Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and espesically in our relations with you, in the holiness and sincerity that are from God. We have done so not accordingly to wordly wisdom but according to God's grace.
 
(Boy Meets Girl p75)
Josh Harris basically sums up saying our ultimate goal in any relationship should be to treat each other in a godly manner and have a clear conscience about our actions. I agree with all my heart with what he says there. He says that our relationships should be god-glorifiying and guided by wisdom, to treat each other with holiness and sincerity, and the main priorities of a friendship should be to grow and guard each other's hearts. He was talking about it in a love relationship context, but I think those should be our goals for any relationships we encounter. Our friends, churchmates and family should feel like they can trust us with what they have confided to us. I would just like to make a quick apology to all my friends and others that I have talked about behind their backs. It has never really been in a negative light, but now if I want to say something about someone, I will be asking their permission. Joshua Harris says about dating/courtship "At the beginning of a courtship, a man and woman don't know if they should get married. They need to get to know each other, observe each other's character, and find out how they relate as a couple." I think it's really important to know the people you communicate with on a daily basis before making judgements. Remember, at the end of the day, that is our father God's job, not ours.
 
Oh just found these "guidelines" for courtship. I think they should be applied to your friends as well, although I think its okay to give them brief hugs, support when they need it and wrap a arm around their shoulders when praying together.
 
"We will not carrass each other. For us this excludes:
&Rubbing each others backs, neck or arms
&Touching or stroking each others face
&Playing with each other's hair
&Scratching each other's arms or back.
 
We will not "cuddle". For us this excludes:
& Sitting entertwined on a couch watching a movie
&Leaning or resting on the other person
& Lying down next to each other
& Playfully wrestling with each other
 
We will guard our conversation and meditation. For us this means:
& Not talking about our future physical relationship
& Not thinking or dwelling on what would be sinful
&Not reading things prematurally to physical intimacy within marriage prematurally.
 
We will not spend undue amounts of time together at late hours.
A specific area of concern for us is time together late at night. We're more vunerable when we're tired. Even if we haven't compromised, please let us know if we're spending too much time together at late hours.
 
Appropriate physical expressions during this season include:
& Holding Hands
& Josh putting his arm around Shannon's shoulder
& Brief "side" hugs
 
These guidelines are "fences" to keep us far from violating God's commands.
Our greatest concern is the direction and intention of our hearts. Even if we're following them to the smallest detail, please inquire if any action or activity is stirring up inappropriate desire or awakening love before it's time."
 
(Reference- Boy Meets Girl, p159 &160)
 
Sorry if all that seemed too heavy for you. I'm just so sure these are things that God wants you to impliment in your life too. I know every relationship is different and that God has a plan for your life, so I'm not telling you to break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend. I'm just saying, be careful, even with your opposite gender friendships. Everyone has been placed into our lives very carefully and I think it's important and a blessing to have friends of both genders, and I adore my guy friends, but it can be hard.
 
Personally I have made the decision to wait until marriage to have my first kiss. This is a pretty recent decision, but I think God would be pleased. Even if Jesus was a regular guy who didn't have to die for us, but just lead by example, I'm pretty sure he would do similar things in his relationships too. I wouldn't date a non-christian or someone I couldn't imagine having as my husband. I think it's time to stop focusing on relationships and think about your studies and God. He will bring the right person along, and you will know. I don't have anything against dating, but I think its important to establish a strong friendship before calling someone your boyfriend/girlfriend. You should be in a position in your relationships, that if you break up with someone, you can still forgive them for the hurt and eventually go back to just being friends, and nothing more. Don't let anyone have a piece of your heart, except for God. I promise he won't break it, or hurt you.
 
I want to share an amazing story me and my friend Shekinah love. It is the cutest thing ever, and I think its worth a read. This is from "Boy Meets Girl" also, as most of the material from this email is.
 
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(Boy Meets Girl p34)
Before I explain why Rich Snipe was digging a hole in Christy Farris's front yard, I need to back up a little. This is quite a story- in fact it's one of the most romantic I've ever heard. But that's not my only reason for sharing it. This story will do more than merely warm your heart. It's an inspiring story of what happens when romance- when all those feelings of passion, excitement, and urgency that go with it- is guided by wisdom.
 
Four years before his secret excavation in her front yard, Rich had met Christy at the small biuble church they had both attended. They were fourteeen years old. Rich thought Christy was really cute. Christy thought Rich was really annoying. Fortunately for Rich, he didn't stay fourteen. And as time passed, he and Christy became good friends. During their senior year of highschool, their relationship became romantic. They began to write each other- not email, but old-fashioned, handwritten letters- to express their feelings. Each letter was written from the heart with love.
 
Falling in love wasn't something Rich and Christy could easily explain. Who among us can describe the mysterious and powerful urge to pursue another person's affection? Words just don't do it justice. Defining romance is like trying to capture the grandeur of the grand canyon with a disposable camera. No matter how many snapshots you take, your attempts fall short.
 
And guess what? Falling in love was God's idea. He was the one who made us capable of experiancing romantic feelings. he was the one who gave us the ability to appreciate beauty and experianced attraction. And he was the one who invented kmarriage so that the blazing fire of romantic love could become something even more beautiful- a pulsing red ember of convenant love in marriage.
 
Why did he do it? For the same reason he made sunsets and mountain ranges and fireflies! Because he's good. Because he wants to give us a million different opportunities to see how wonderful he is.
 
Page 36
Rich and Christy's feelings for each other were real and deeply romantic. But were those felings being awakened in God's triming and purpose? Christiy's dad, Mike Farris, wasn't so sure. When he found out how emotionally involved Rich and Christy were, he decided to intervene.
 
Mike had the chance to interact with Rich on a regular basis- he was his boss. Mike was running for the office of lieutentant governor in Virginia and had hired Rich to drive him to different rallies and events being held around the state. On most of these trips, Mike worked quietly in the backseat or made phonecalls. But to Rich's surprise, one day Mike decided to sit upfront. As soon as they were under way, Mike turned to Rich and asked, "So what's this I hear about you and Christy?" Rich gulped.
 
As Rich drove, Mike talked to him gently and with fatherly concern about the importance of wisdom in romance. Mike had many regrets about the years he had spent dating girls in highschool and college. 'When you're close emotionally, you give away part of your heart," he told Rich. "TThere are lifelong consequences." To his credit, Rich really listened to what he had to say. The truth sank in. Rich wasn't ready to support a family- both he and Christy still wanted to attend college. And it was also too soon for them to stoke the fires of romance. A premature romantic relationship would only distract them from preparing for their futures.
 
"I had never heard anything like that before," Rich remembers. "Mike convinced me. It wasn't a case of him forcing me to break up with his daughter. As he shared his own understanding about relationships, I saw that he was right."
 
Ending what he and Christy called the "us" part of their relationship wasn't easy, but they both knew it needed happen. They went back to just being friends. They interacted at church, but didn't act like a couple. They thought of each other as brother and sister, not boyfriend and girlfriend.
The plan worked- for a while. Even thought they both knew what was right, their hearts were decieteful. They wanted the feelings. They wanted the thrill of expressing how they felt. They wanted the security of knowing they belonged to each other. As a result they started to compromise their commitment to keep the relationship strictly a friendship. In a letter, Rich told Christy that he still loved her. She did the same. They did nothing physically, but before they knew it, they were back in a full-throttle romantic relationship, this time, behind her father's back.
 
But after several months, conviction began to set in. Decieving Christy's parents began to take it's toll on them. "We have to tell your parents," Rich told Christy one day. "We can't go on like this."
They never got the chance. A day later, Christy's dad talked by while Christy was on the phone talking with a girlfriend about her relationship with Rich.
"Christy, what were you talking about?" her dad asked when she had hung up. "Tell me in three words."
"Personal prayer requests." Christy answered.
"Really?" her dad asked. "It sounded more like, 'Richard Guy Snipe."
They were caught.
 
Christy broke down and confessed her deceit. Rich met with Christy's parents a few days later. Like Christy, he was heartbroken at the way he had decieved them. He'd gone back on his word to Mike. He'd stolen more of Christy's affections when he knew they didn't rightfully belong to him.
Rich asked Mike and his wife, Vickie, for forgiveness. This time he promised the relationship really was going to end. He understoof now it would require drastic measures. They simply couldn't be casual friends. "If we didn't pull back, we would be moving forward," Rich says. "You can't stand still in a relationship like that." They had to get out of each others lives. That's when Rich asked Christy to give back all the letter's he had ever written her. Reluctantly she handed them over. "I wanted to serve her," Rich explains. "I wanted to take everything back from her that represented my feelings for her. Those letters were the record of our love and all we had shared. We cherished them and reread them over and over. I knew that in order to truely lay the relationship down at God's feet, we both had to part with them."
 
Rich was digging a hole in Christy's front yard that night to bury a box of the letters they had written each other. There were over a hundred handwritten pages inside it.
Had his feelings for Christy changed? Not at all. But he realised that he couldn't be guided just by his feelings. He had to act on principal and do what was in Christy's best interest. He couldn't just do what felt right; he had to do what was right. Even though it hurt, he knew that the most caring thing that he could do for the girl he loved was to get out of her life and end the relationship that was distracting both of them from serving God and obeying her parents.
 
It took Rich nearly two hours of digging to finish the hole. He made it two feet wide by three feet long and eighteeen inches deep so it would be beneath the frost line. He picked up the box of letters and laid it gently into the ground. He had wrapped it tightly in several layers of plastic. Rich wanted his hopes to be able to stay in the ground for a very long time... maybe even forever.
 
For eighteen year old Rich, that moment was the funeral of his dreams. He was submitting his feelings and longings to God. He was submitting his feelings and lonings to God. He stared at the box one last time, looked up at the quiet house, and then pushed back the dirt he'd unearthed back into the hole and packed it down with his foot. If you want to dig this up someday, I know you can, he told God. But if not, this is where it will stay.
He covered the spot with sod, then quietly stole away.
 
Page 50
A month after Rich buried their love letters, both he and Christy left for colleges in different parts of the country. They didn't say goodbye. They didn't write or call each other. Because their colleges had different schedules, they didn't see each other during the year. Those were difficult days. The love they felt for each other hadn't gone away.
A year and a half after they'd broken up, Christy called her mum from school and told her she was still struggling with her feelings for Rich. When her dad found out, he asked if she knew how Rich was doing. "How would I know?" Christy answered, the emotion in her voice thinly veiled. "I haven't spoken to him since we broke up."
 
Her dad was impressed. Rich had stuck to his word and broken off communication with Christy. Mike decided to intervene once more. A few months later, when Rich was home from college, Mike called him and asked him to his office.
"I had no idea what he wanted to talk to me about," Rich says. "I thought I must be in trouble, but I couldn't imagine what I'd done."
As it turned out, Rich wasn't in trouble. Mike wanted to meet with him to thank him for keeping his word. He also wanted to tell him that he felt it was an appropriate time for Rich and Christy to start a courtship.
Rich was floored. He told Mike that he needed time to pray about it. "Well, next week I have to go down to Richmond," Mike told him. "Why don't you drive me down, and we can talk about it then?"
A week later Rich and Mike were on the road again. It was just like old times. And it was time for another talk.
Rich had prayed hard that week about starting a relationship with Christy again. But as he sought God, he sensed Him saying it still wasn't the right time for a courtship. "I still wasn't ready to get married. I was still figuring out what I'd be doing for a living. It seemed that God was saying, "You committed to these principals, and you need to stick to them, even if her dad is giving you the green light."
When Rich shared this with Christy's dad, Mike couldn't be more surprised or more pleased. It was as though their roles has been reversed since their last talk about wisdom and romance. This time it was the young man who was sharing what God had taught him about waiting for the right time.
Rich and Christy didn't start a courtship then, but they did start to talk and ease back into a friendship. A year later, with Christy still away at school, they began a long-distance courtship. Things were different this time. Their relationship was just as romantic, but now it had purpose and direction. They had their parent's blessing. Everyday their confidence for marriage grew.
All that time the box filled of love letters lay hidden. Rich had never told Christy that he had buried them in her own front yard. She had thought the letters had been burned. The christmas before she graduated from college she found out otherwise.
Christmas morning, Rich was celebrating at the Farris home. "This one's for you," he said, handing Christy a small box. She unwrapped it and found a nursery tag for a red maple.
"I brought you a tree," Rich told her.
"Oh" said Christy trying to sound enthusistic.
Her family, who by this time all in on the surprise, could hardly contain themselves. "Why don't you plant it in the front yard?" her father suggested.
"Now?" Christy asked.
"Sure!" Rich said. "Come on." He grabbed her arm and pulled her outsdie, where the tree and shovel were waiting.
"Where should we plant it?" Christy asked as they walked down the driveway toward the front of the yard.
"This spot will do," Rich said, pointing to the ground. He smiled at Christy, then raised his shovel and drove it into the earth.
 
I didn't tell you about one other thing Rich had put in that box before he buried it. When he carefully wrapped it years before, he placed one new letter on top of all the others. It was a letter Christy had never read. In it, Rich asked her to marry him.
So Christmas morning, over four years after it had been buried, the box of cherished letters was unearthed and opened. And four years after it had been written, Christy read Rich's letter proposing marriage.
Today, Rich and Christy have a soaring story of romance because they were willing to be lead by wisdom. Anyone can have passionate feelings, but only those who seek God's purpose and timing can know the true joy of romantic love fulfilled.
Just ask Rich Snipe. In the very spot he buried his hopes, he saw them come back to life. In the very place he knelt for a funeral of his dreams, he knelt four years later to ask Christy Farris to be his bride. And as he pulled an engagement ring from his pocket, he heard her answer. "Yes!"
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This story is definately the most romantic story I've ever read. The thing I like about it, is that they were two ordinary kids who took their relationship a bit too fast, but allowed themselves to kneel before God and follow his plan. It's really sweet and shows pureness and innocence in a world filled with lust, greed and anger, and this is the kind of story I hope to have myself someday. I know God has something amazing lined up, and although I struggle with it sometimes, I know God has already picked out the right person.
 
For me personally, I have no problems with dating right now. The difference between me and the rest of the world, is I want to do it with purpose. I'm eighteen, and I feel a little bit too young to get married, which is strange because my parents (who are still together to this day! praise the lord!), walked down the aisle when mum was a few months younger than I am now, at age eighteen. Emotionally I feel ready to built up an amazing friendship with someone and really get to know them. I want to go on dates, get to know and love their family, pray for each other and hang out at church for the next few years than launch into something more serious. I get frustated at my friends because they think I'm obsessed with finding that perfect someone, but I'm not. Hopefully this email will clear that up. The thing is, that if I'm going out with someone and we aren't right for each other, we will still have an amazing friendship, which would still be a huge blessing from God.
 
I've finally come to a point in the road where I know what to do. I thank God for Xtend because that is where it really came together. I am going to write to Team Xtreme, a missions team that helps highschool students set goals and live for a higher purpose (its a christian organisation, but I think they go into regular schools too which is great!) and see what I need to do to get a job for them. I am going to keep in contact with them and maybe do the Intermissions course in Auckland next year. I would still like to be an Au Pair in the USA and maybe go to teaching college, but I'm not 100% sure yet. I feel like I've seen the big picture, but now I just need to work out the little pieces of the jigsaw, which is awesome, after struggling for so long, and feeling like a failure for not being like the rest of the world and not having a vision for my life.
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"Genesis-2:20 The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; 22 and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." 24 Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. "
(Ref- http://www.bibleontheweb.com/Bible.asp)
 
I couldn't find the passage I wanted in the bible, but this sums it up pretty well:
 
"NOTE.-How beautiful, in its fullness of meaning, is this simple but suggestive story, at which skeptics sneer. God did not make man after the order of the lower animals, but "in His own image." Neither did He choose man's companion, or "help," from some other order of beings, but made her from man- of the same substance. And He took this substance, not from man's feet, that he might have an excuse to degrade, enslave, or trample upon her; nor from man's head, that woman might assume authority over man; but from man's side, from over his heart, the sect of affections, that woman might stand at his side as man's equal, and, side by side with him, together, under God, work out the purpose and destiny of the race,- man, the strong, the noble, the dignified; woman, the weaker, the sympathetic, the loving. How much more exalted and inspiring is this view than the theory that man developed from the lower order of animals. "
(Ref- http://www.preparingforeternity.com/br1914/brhc176.htm)
 
I just inserted that passage because there has been conflict at our youth group about the value of women next to men, and it's crazy. I know that there are many pieces of scripture in the bible that make it look like women are lower than men, but you have to look at the context in which it is written to really understand what God is trying to say. There are also places in the bible that say that God loves us equally, but we have different purposes and abilities. Some women bodybuild and could kick your butt, but there are men who are more nuturing and make amazing fathers. God has fearfully and wonderfully made each and one of us unique so we can fulfill the purpose he plans for our lifes. I find it so sad when people fall short and don't see themselves through God's eyes, as beautiful and special. We are all one in six billion. Six billion people that God has put together differently, but to imiatate Christ's example. Could you imagine what the world would be like if men and women treated each other with the right level of respect and followed God's vision? It would be truelly amazing.
 
If you have any insight or opinions on this stuff, let me know, and I will send it around, if it seems relevant or important. I realise and respect that not everyone will agree with this email, and that's fine. At the end of the day, all this is between you and god, and you and your friends.
 
Love Steph
(pretend hugs and kisses)
 
By the way, I am doing great with the 40 days of purpose thing with praying for my sister. I've prayed for my sister twice now, with her, and she seems pretty calm and happy by the time I am finished. I thank God for that, it really has been a great idea and a blessing in my family. Also, I found out last night my dad speaks in tongues which is pretty cool. The whole concept scares me a little bit, but I have a desire to speak tongues myself. I think I need to take control of my own tongue before God's will speak through mine. He's already done such amazing things for me at xtend, so I'm happy for now
 
PS I highly reccommend you read this book. Better yet, buy a copy for yourself. It's one of the best choices I've made this year (okay I've made heaps of great choices, like to get baptised, but this book has so many great ideas for dating, relationships with others and with god, and things in general. Its a real gem!)
 
The books can get tedious and quite heavy, but they make alot of valid points, so I think its worth reading, even if you have to grit your teeth through parts of it. Everyone has a different view of the world shaped by their personal experiances.
 
I also suggest that if God is putting something on your heart, that you write about it and pass it around as well. Writing this email has taught me so many things and made me feel truely blessed and inspired for my own friendships with boys and dates. Friendships should be innocent but controlled from impurity and dating should be magical, not drudgery.

This is an email I have sent to my friends and christian email crew. I have been struggling to write lately but have felt inspired by God and it pours out of me fluently, which I am grateful for. I hope and pray you get something out of this email even if you do not agree with my views or do not believe in God. I would love to hear what you say, but please say it respectfully and with love and encouragement rather than anger and fear. I know my last big post on relationships got a lot of cristicism and when I read over it I wish I had never written it because it sounded so biogist and judgemental without me realising. After talking to some of my church friends, mentors and rereading it, I deleted it, because I realised that espesically since it was a featured post from my other account xxxchi_cchickxxx it did not paint a pretty picture of me.

I fully support people despite what they are going through. I fully believe a saying called "hate the sin, love the sinner" because at the end of the day, we all make mistakes, but these should be seen as opportunities to spread our wings and grow, once they are done hurting us, instead of defining moments in our lifes that linger and haunt us. With alot of the stupid things I have done in my life, its like I hit rock bottom and kept digging I have finally got to a point in my life where I can see my sins and mistakes were blessings because I wouldn't be where I am today without the heartbreaks, disappointments and sins I have lived through. I definately wouldn't be in a position to reach out and help other people if I hadn't first gone through things myself.

I forwarded this to some christian leaders in New Zealand that I look up to (that's where I live) as well as to Joshua Harris, Susie Shellenberg and I would like to forward it to John Piper and hopefully I will get a reply. Its a great way to find opportunities, taking the change and making them yourself. I may never get a reply, but at least I'm taking a risk.

I would just like to say thanks for reading through all this stuff, and I pray that you have an amazing, fufilling week. God Bless you