Last night at home group, we were working our way through Galatians 2.  Our theme for the night was justification through faith.... not really what I want to blog about now.

An aside to that theme, but a crucial part of the passage we were looking at is the interaction between Paul and Peter.  We were quite fascinated in trying to nut out if this particular passage below has any relevance for our lives today.

A couple of days ago I wrote a weblog called Question: Family and Ministry.  Today I stood baking in my kitchen on this lovely fall day, and I believe the Lord may have given me an answer to my musings.  I have been one of those Christians who has often found my identity in what I do, rather than who I am in the Lord.  I think some of it probably stems from what I perceive to be my spiritual failures.

The Lord showed me today that in the past I have behaved like Martha.  Essentially there is nothing wrong with the work that I have done in the church, it has all be good and worthy for the sake of the gospel.  But often my motives for doing it have been the result of deep rooted spiritual and emotional insecurity.

As a SAHM I have often felt like I have struggled to be seen as worthy.  I know this is foolishness really, but it is how I have felt.  Anywhere you go people ask you what you do for work.  When you say SAHM the conversation is often cut short.  Maybe this is just my own insecure perception of the event, but it is one that has stuck with me the past 15 years.  So often even though I stay at home, I have thrown myself helter skelter into some kind of ministry.   I realize now that often my motives for doing this is so that I feel a sense of worth when I can list all my other accomplishments 'other' than staying at home with children.

I realized this morning that my guilt at saying no to the youth leader, is not so much guilt but a reaction deep down in my soul about how 'worthy I am'.

See I am struggling in this new situation.  I have had all kinds of things going on in the background of my life that have probably caused me to be a little stand offish with people and not throw myself into church life relationally.   I don't know about you, but when you have a heap of emotional stuff going on in your life it can be a hard time to make new friends, but is probably the time you need them most.  In saying that, I have not really found anyone here has really wanted to connect in a real way, that would create the kind of frienship that would allow me to share how I am feeling and struggling.  So I find myself in a catch 22.

My natural inclination is to throw myself into some kind of ministry and put myself out there, to busy myself with activity, so that I am seen to be a worth while member of the church community- and then people may actually want to know me and spend time with me.

But right now I know this would but incredible amounts of stress on my family and give me a very false sense of security, once again built on what I do, not who I am.

EDIT-  This really is just a pendulum swing right now.... I am not sure where I stand on it all, knowing how many women are incredibly blessed all over the world by other women's ministries...  I am just trying to sort it all out in my own life I think!


I have always been a woman in ministry.  My first obvious ministry is to my husband and too my family.  But over the years I have also found many things to occupy myself with in the church as well.  From pioneering various groups (mothers groups, women's ministries, children's clubs) to leading bible studies, home groups and even a 'cell group' for the cell church I attended.  I have preached, done public speaking, knocked on doors, handed out tracts, face painted, written curriculum, helped out with intercessory events, you name it I have done it.

For the first time in my life, I am happy at home with my family not doing anything but raising babies and supporting my husband.

I must admit that I haven't always served with the right motive.  Sometimes it was to prove a point that I could do it, other times it was some kind drive that I needed to fulfill in order to feel accepted, and of course there were many times where I felt very led to serve in a particular way.

I remember after falling pregnant with baby number 3 and miscarrying, my non-Christian husband told me enough was enough and I needed to stop, rest and care for my family... OUCH!  But he was very very right.

I wonder sometimes if the ministry of motherhood is becoming an undervalued thing in our churches.  Am I the only woman who has served sometimes out of compulsion or the need to prove my worth?  Maybe I am lol.

There is a growing trend in mega churches for women pastors to hire nannies to help them raise and care for their children.  I can't help wonder about this somewhere deep in side me.   Not because I have a problem with women in ministry persae but because of the 'career' calling it is becoming at the expense of our families.

Would I feel the same if it was a man?  Probably not, should I feel the same if it is a man in ministry being drawn away from his family?   I don't know.

Maybe I am just an old fashioned 30 something woman who was probably meant to be born into another era, maybe I am just realizing some personal truths that are the Lords words to me in my life (and not necessarily the rest of the Body), or maybe some of these questions need genuine answers as divorce rates soar in the church and families become broken units.  Only the Lord knows the answers to that.