"Jesus wept." -John 11:35

according to merriam-webster:
weep (verb)
1: to express deep sorrow for usually by shedding tears

John 11 tells us about the death of mary and martha's brother lazarus. Jesus waited knowing that lazarus would pass away so that others would suffer and know Him more. when Jesus came to the place where lazarus was buried, He saw the grief in the people who mourned lazarus' death and Jesus was so overcome that He wept. Jesus didn't just shed a few tears, He literally wept and cried out of "deep sorrow."

sometimes i feel as though i am separate from Jesus, like God and Christ are far from me. in my most selfish moments, i am very distant from God and i don't see that God is longing for my heart and soul to come back to Him. i lose track of the fact that i am in Christ and He weeps when we fall astray. God sees our struggles and knows where our hearts are, the trouble that weighs our lives down, He weeps for us because He knows our hurts and sees us fall. too often i tend to push God away because i assume that God doesn't know how i feel or that God is allowing me to go through struggles because i deserve it or i'm not worthy enough of His full love.

however-
all these thoughts of doubt are lack of faith and satan's lies. i strongly feel that satan tells us these lies to make it seem like God and Christ are unattainable. (by unattainable, i mean our relationship with God cannot be personal.) in our weakest moments, satan whispers in our ears that God leaves us and lets us struggle on our own. in John 11, Jesus shows us the complete opposite. He longs so much for our hearts and wants us to put our complete faith and trust in Him. it's not a question of whether or not He is capable of healing us and loving us; it's whether or not we accept His offer because Jesus is fully capable and He weeps for us when we hurt.

i'm not exactly sure what i'm trying to get at here, but to let you know that even though you're struggling and it seems like you can't see where God is leading you or you don't even think God is walking with you, know that He is still there and wants you to know that there is hope beyond the moment that you are at right now.

i'm sitting in my apartment, a week away from the first day of class. this week is orientation week and to be honest, i am dreading it. i'm not as social of a person as i used to be and now i dread meeting new people, doing the "nice to meet you" dance with complete strangers. i've asked for God to get me to this point for a long time, but now that i'm here, i don't want to be here. it's selfish of me because i know that i need to do this but i just don't want to. this city is liberal and full of atheists and i just want to avoid all of that because it is a challenge to have your faith be analyzed and stripped apart before your eyes. however, i've been praying for peace about this; i need peace from God about my interactions with non-believers. i'm anxious about it because it can be exhausting, trying to defend your faith to others who are adamant about why God doesn't exist.

i am definitely needing lots of prayer right now for changes in my life. God says that there is a time for everything, a season for changes in life so although i am not ready, i know that it's not on my strength that i rely; i need to rely on God for this season of change.

in about two weeks, i'll be moving away from home again and starting school. a big part of me is sad to be leaving, but a small part of me is thankful for this opportunity. i've waited a long time for this next step in my life and God is now saying , "Go." looking back on this summer, i feel that i've grown a lot and God has been preparing me this whole time. He first told me to wait, that i wasn't ready and it hurt to think that i wasn't ready yet because i had thought that this was what he called me to do. now i see that He was only preparing my heart for this "journey" that i'm about to embark on. to others it may not seem like a big deal, but to me it's the beginning of my purpose and plan that God's set before me.

i think my all time favorite worship song is "obsession" by david crowder band. i started listening to them in high school and they've always been the one band that i feel God has spoken through to get to my heart. the song "obsession" to me seems to speak to my soul... or it is my soul longing for God, maybe both.



i've talked before about how i'm about to start this new path and i know that it's probably starting to get repetitive, but i just can't get over the fact that God has been leading me this whole time and that He will continue to lead me until i reach His kingdom. through all the doubts, struggles, and fears, i continuously recognize and acknowledge that God is God and loves me deeply. it's hard for me to accept when people tell me they don't believe in God or a soul or heaven. i feel like the soul is where God speaks to us the most - and sometimes we are so blessed as to feel God's fingerprints on our souls. the center of human emotions comes from deep within the soul and to think of a world without God would mean that the soul is just chemicals in the brain firing neurons back and forth. i don't believe that any of that could be true because when i feel God's tugging at my heart, it really is the tugging of my heart and soul.

i'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but God is speaking and He is real. He's telling you that He truly loves you and can't wait to see you seated next to Him at His throne.