Okay.. Time for a proper blog post.
What is going on in my life is definitely a challenge. I feel like, being only 17, this is not something I need to be going through: I am not adult enough to handle this situation. I find myself at the edge of my bed, most nights, with my face in my hands asking God what I did wrong to deserve this... why am I going through this and not someone else who is more capable of handling this situation. Why not someone more adult? And then, as if I am omniscient, I answer some of my own questions: God chose me, for what? I cannot say, exactly. But he found that I am better equipped to handle this situation. Better than anyone else. Why not someone more adult? Because if it were an adult, everything would be different... for the worse... may it be in my life or his. Besides, if you think of the bright side: it was a great learning experience and a good way to make a new friend.
My boyfriend of nine months date-raped me. No, I am not making this up. I am not saying this to get attention. I am not saying this to get pity or anything else. This is the mere fact. None of you know either of us, so you know that I am not just saying this so you can "believe me" and "not trust him"... It started when I was 16, and he had barely turned 18... I would give the story, but I do not want to relive it, currently. I can tell you now, however, that I am still fighting his mental abusiveness and I am fighting to "recuperate" (I guess) from his abuse and from our relationship. Needless to say, I was/am nothing to him. I was his "rebound" girl. I have been living with depression and self-esteem issues that have gotten worse since I discovered the truth.
The thing is... well, there are a few "things." One: everyone told me what a terrible person he is... I did not believe any one of them especially since some of these people didn't even know him personally. I didn't believe it until Stacy (his first ex) told me it... I do not know what made me suddenly believe everything when she told it to me.. but I think it has something to do with God's plan. For three days, I heard my name being called... always quickly and always in a low tone. For those three days, I was in a place where absolutely NO ONE knew my name (and it was not on my jacket, either. I was at an FFA gathering). I believe that was God, trying to talk to me but that I was too enveloped with myself to even stop and hear Him. My closest friend tells me to forgive myself first... I tried.. and I thought I did... clearly I didn't because the thoughts kept coming back and the endless guilt flooded me. (still does, all of it). And today I read countless blog entries about faith and trusting God and leaving it up to God... and absolutely ALL of them mentioned something about forgiving yourself, first.
I forget what point I was trying to make... which has been happening quite a bit, today.. since my mind is all over the place... I guess what I am trying to say is: Even though I am going through all of this junk... even though parts of my mind say "God isn't trying to help you" ... I still believe that God IS trying to help but that I have to let go, first, and LET Him help me. I can't do it alone, only He can. All of this is just a test of faith... and a test of character. (I may be wrong, but work with me, here.) It is to see where my faith lies... and to reveal the wolf hidden beneath my ex-boyfriend's sheep clothing.
(I am sorry if this is choppy and nonsensical ... This is just the first draft and I did not edit it. I was just trying to get my thoughts down before they disappeared.)
Take care,
and God bless.
<3.hugs
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