How I learned to depend on God

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 20:50:35 GMT

The past three years at university have taught me a great deal of life lessons. The biggest one by far dawned on me relatively early on in my first year - it is something I have never forgotten and will never forget for the rest of my life on earth.

The truth is this: I am a limited human being who is utterly and wholly dependent on God's grace and provision.

I realised this when I came very close to failing my first year. I had been a pretty good student in high school, but I was finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the demanding workload at university. From the outset it felt as though I had been thrown into the deep end without being taught how to swim. Before I knew it I had sunken to the bottom of the class.

When I opened my eyes and saw the mess that I was in, and how well most of my coursemates were doing, it finally hit me that I could not carry on in my own power. For a long time I had heard people praising my talent and telling me that someday I would become a great architect. But at that moment I realised how empty those words were - I realised that my talent was worthless, for I could clearly see that it was getting me nowhere. I recognised how needy I was for God's help. I recognised the fact that I could accomplish nothing without Him. So I began to invite Him into my work, in the hopes that things would begin to improve. And for a while, they did, even if I was still hanging around the bottom of the class. But even then I was wholly unprepared for my critique at the end of the final project.

It was my worst nightmare. I was mocked and ridiculed and the tutor was incredibly angry. He made it clear that I had screwed up big time and that there was no way I had passed the project. Worst still, he implied that perhaps I wasn't even meant to be an architect. From the faces of my fellow peers who had been watching, I knew that it had gone badly wrong. Before I left the studio in my shocked, numb state, another tutor gave me his card and said, "if you want any help, just contact me and we can book an appointment." I thanked him solemnly and went on my way.

When I returned to my dorm room, I shut the door, sat down at my desk, and in the stunned silence I heard my mobile phone ringing. It was my mom. I answered it reluctantly, not knowing what to expect.

"How did it go?" she asked.
"It was the worst..." and I just burst into tears. I couldn't hold it in any longer. It was my biggest childhood dream to be an architect and now that dream had been shattered. I had tried so hard to get it right and once again I had failed. With another failed project in tow I was sure I had lost my chances of passing the year. As I sat there heaving big, gulping sobs and telling my mom about what had happened, I contemplated quitting architecture altogether and leaving my childhood dreams behind. And then I said it aloud.

"But why?" she said, "those were just the words of one mean tutor. If God gave you the capability and the dreams of becoming an architect, He will surely guide you through till the very end." Then I brought up the tutor who had offered me his help. "You really ought to book an appointment with him. You're going to need all the help you can get. Do it now, send him an email." And so I did.

A few days later, I walked into his office with all my past work in hand. I was blown away by the level of encouragement and I could not believe that he still saw potential in me despite all my failings throughout the year. In that hour-long appointment, God restored my broken dreams and I walked out with a big smile on my face.

Two years down the road and I am finally making progress with my work under the supervision of my academic mentor - the same tutor who God used to lift me out of my disillusioned state. It has taken a long time but through it all I knew that God's immense grace was the only thing that pulled me through. I am not where I am now because of what I have done; it is solely the result of what He has done for me.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 20:12:16 GMT

Woohoo! So I've finally decided to move over from my xanga site.

Just to give you some background.... a lot has happened in the past two weeks… a lot of things that I can't fully explain. But it's been a life-changing experience. I've been a Christian for quite a while now (about 10 years) but over the years some aspects of the Christian life have gradually eroded away. For a long time I didn't care much about sharing my Christian faith among those I knew. I was always reluctant to make it known that I was a Christian and steered clear of shoving it down people’s throats a.k.a. "Bible bashing".

In hindsight I think I was a little bit ashamed of my faith. Every now and again that verse somewhere in the Gospels would come into my head – that one that says something like this:

“If anyone is ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of them when they appear before my Father in Heaven.”

The worst thing was, I held onto this shame for years and never did anything about it.

But the events of the past 14 days have changed everything. Two Sundays ago I rediscovered my deepest joy in knowing Christ. Last Thursday I attended the London event of Passion's 2008 World Tour - and that rekindled the flame of evangelism in my heart. For the first time in nearly a decade, I genuinely want to make Christ famous.

After three years of blogging about my own personal life on xanga I've realised how futile and how hollow it is to blog about issues that revolve around the self. My insecurities. My social events. It’s all "me me me". It doesn’t get anywhere. It doesn't encourage anyone. All it does is run around in circles and waste precious amounts of time.

So now it is my desire to start blogging with Christ at the centre. It is my hope that God will use this blog to help build people up and lead my non-Christian blogging friends to Christ.

Monteferro's Revelife

How I learned to depend on God

Monday, June 09, 2008