Thursday, 06 December 2012
I have been a Christian for about 5 years now, but to be honest, during this past year I have felt God really tug at my heart at the cross that I have to carry the most. I don't know how many of you guys are out there struggling with this issue, but I feel like I really need some tips and advice on this topic if any of you can relate.To give you all a little background. I am a girl and I knew that I liked girls at a very young age. I've thought about it, and I think it has a lot do with my family. My dad had always been a very abusive man -- both physically and emotionally towards me and my mother. I grew up watching my mother get abused for most of my life. Things got better when she found Christ, but this affected the way I view men from a young age, and had always been scared of men and associated most men with my father's image.Secondly, I am Chinese. My father wanted a boy at birth, so I was raised as a boy my whole life. Growing up, most of my friends were boys so I always felt like I was one of them. And because we immigrated to Canada, both my parents were very busy with their jobs. Then they gave birth to my younger brother, so they didn't really attend to me that often. My mother never gave me any "feminine advice" growing up, so when puberty came I was scared and confused, but I always felt very dominant because I felt like I had to protect my mother and could feel only her love so I tried finding it in girls.Anyways that's the background of my life, but the issue right now is that God has spoken to me in many ways about this issue and how it needs to be changed.I've been dating a girl for over a year now, and at the beginning of this year I started to feel guilty whenever we did things that we weren't suppose to. I say that God has worked the most in my life this year, because this was my toughest year so far but his presence was there very strongly the entire process, and my spiritual life grew tremendously.I think I received signs from God when a few times I would fall into sleep paralysis and see or feel the devil. The most intense time was this one night, I couldn't wake up from sleep paralysis but when I woke up I felt like I was going to die and that God had left me. I quickly opened the Bible and the first page it landed on was something like:
1 Corinthians 6:18-20 — Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.I knew that was God because it was the night before I planned to sneak from Toronto where I live to Quebec to visit my girlfriend. Months after that, I finally spoke to my pastor at church about it and I would have talks with her once every week. At one point I had completely cut off all connections, but then I would get back together with my girlfriend. I felt like I was living a double-life, unable to really pick a side but I knew deep in my heart that I want Jesus.To this day, this is something that I am struggling with. I am moving in December, so I really hope God will give me the strength to walk away and don't look back.I am the only person I know who is struggling with this problem, if any of you out there are as well, or know somebody that has triumphed their battle I would love to hear the testimony or any advice and thought. Thank you.Have you or someone you've known struggled with homosexuality? What are some action steps she can take to apply what she's learned from God about homosexuality to her life? What other scriptures teach us about God's love and forgiveness?