After suffering for years in my marriage with no change in my husband's behavior, I'm now planning a divorce.
My husband loves gambling very much. He doesn't care about how to get money, but he's always spending money. Now we have many debts we even can't pay. But my husband doesn't care about our debt caused by his bad habit. I am the only one who cares about taking care of our children, getting money and all things in our marriage. It's as if I live for myself and my daughter.
I have been waiting for his change for about 7 years. I always tried to change my own behavior, and I always pray to God and ask God to give me a way out. I'm so tired. My husband's family also doesn't care about his behavior and always judges me. Actually, my parents never gave approval for me to get married to him, but I didn't obey what they suggested. So we married without my parent's approval. Yes, I regret it.
I can't fix this marriage and my husband's behavior, but I am afraid of sin if I plan to divorce him. Please share with me your opinion about this. Thank you.
What do you think of this situation? What does scripture tell us about divorce? What resources are there for wives who are dealing with gambling husbands?
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Comments (31)
Have you considered biblical counseling? Is there someone in your area that can provide such service?
My husband was verbally, emotionally, and at times even physically abusive. I was married 5 years - together for 7 and this past summer, I finally reached my end point when I sat bawling as he explained how he hated me, how my opinions weren't to be heard, how I was lucky he was married to me and how much of a bitch I was on our anniversary.
We tried counseling. He tried antidepressants. I did everything I could and once you hit that point, you can't keep trying to change people. It isn't your place to change him. He is choosing gambling. Knowing I did everything I could after all that time, I felt a lot of peace when I finally left. I felt even happy to leave. Christianity doesn't mean the absence of divorce - I don't think that's what God intends for us either way. Misery or divorce. But at some point, you will need to focus on you and the kids and not his changing. Some people refuse to change for anything.
He texted me tonight to say he finally filed for divorce.
Good luck. PM if you need to or hit up my blog.
@cadency@xanga - Oh God, I'm sorry to hear that. Yes, we can't change anybody. I still love him very much. But I can't let him ruin our future, our life, and our happiness. No, I am trying to rearrange my life and financial to get away from debts and fulfill our needs. I know, Jesus is always with me. I feel sinful to think about divorce, but I know He also doesn't want me to live a dangerous married life, especially my lil daughter. Thank u so much...I'll be glad to make you as myonline close-friend. God must bless you.
@routergenie@xanga - Unfortunately, no.
@henny81@xanga - I do believe there are cases where the Bible would allow divorce. However, divorce always has consequences especially for you and your daughter, especially your daughter, whether the divorce is biblical or not. I don't have to lay the issue of sin or no sin before you but I encourage you look at the practical ramifications of divorce. I have listed a number studies about the effect of divorce on the children here:
http://routergenie.xanga.com/745465822/consequences-of-divorce-an-incomplete-bibliography/
On one hand, I know you don't want to let him ruin your future; however, on the other hand, you may not want to be the one who does that either. If you can approach Christian Counseling and Education Foundation, they can recommend counselors that you may be able to use in your area. Their way of understanding the Gospel, Christ and my relationship with my wife have been of tremendous help for us. These counselors should also handle the practical side of issues with you, too. I hope you will still give your marriage a chance. Don't give up yet.
@henny81@xanga - I would recommend two books for you. If you have difficulty obtaining these books in your country (I have no idea where you are), I am willing to send them to you.
http://astore.amazon.com/cceforg-20/detail/1934885533 - How People Change
http://astore.amazon.com/cceforg-20/detail/1935273612 - Marriage Matters
What I have found is forgiving myself is the hardest. I struggled with the same issues regarding sin. I sought others opinions, counseling, books, even my children's opinions. What I found in the end is I had to do what I could live with. The guilt sometimes still rears its head but the leaving far outweighed the staying.
Your husband is abusing you. Period. God does not condemn us to abusive relationships when we marry. When our spouse becomes abusive, you have to take action to protect yourself and your children. Remember, YOU were created in God's image too. God is not self-abusive. Your children are a gift from God, you must, along with God's help, protect them.
Yes, divorce is bad, it always has consequences, regardless of the reason. But sometimes you are faced with making choices that are bad, or worse. This is one of the times. It isn't as if you are looking to trade in your husband for a new one, you are looking to survive in the society you live in, and do the best you can for your kids.
When my ex became abusive, we tried counseling, etc for years. I prayed, tried to make changes, be accommodating for 10 years before I finally threw in the towel and filed. We had joint custody of our three kids, worked very hard to hold them above everything, that paid off.
Were they affected by the divorce? Absolutely. But were there positives they experienced because of that divorce? Again, absolutely. They were able to experience childhood with one parent in a positive atmosphere where they were encouraged to try new things, experiment, to relax and be themselves, be kids. Not this constant negativism, nitpicking, whining and criticism. Now they are adults and turned out fine. Totally understand why that had to happen. Get along fine with both of us on their own terms. We loved them, never stopped, they love us back. Looking back I don't regret having the divorce. That was 15 years ago. I never did remarry, neither did she.
7 years is long enough. He isn't going to change because he sees no need to. His life is working, yours isn't. His addiction comes first. That isn't going to change. Once the crisis of divorce hits, perhaps he will realize he has a problem, seek Gamblers Anon or some sort of help. That is his choice, not yours. Get a lawyer and get moving. Quit worrying about his family or your family. Line up friends who will have your back, help you with things like moving, getting an apartment, establishing a separate bank account, etc.
Get some counseling yourself. If your church is judgmental, seek help elsewhere. I was an Elder in my church, turned to them and got thrown under the bus. So I had to seek help elsewhere. Counseling really helped me cope with the stress.
As for the Biblical aspect, a divorce is a sin, true, but that sin can be forgiven. To repent is to realize that a behavior is bad, and make a decision to turn away and not repeat it. God doesn't "rank" sin. To Him, swiping a pen at the drive-thru bank is as sinful as lying or murder. Humans are the ones that rank sin. Sin is simply "missing the mark". The only unforgivable sin is to deny Christ. Let your counselor or Pastor help you through that one, as you will kick yourself a lot.
That will be the hardest part, forgiving yourself. If others get judgmental, distance yourself from them. You need supporters, not naysayers. Tell them, "you are either with me, or in the way. Choose." Then move on.
Good luck.
The longer that you stay in this marriage, the more $$$ you may owe because you are married at this time. Seek IMMEDIATE counsel from an attorney...now. Don't delay. Since your spouse will not change and he has been offered counseling, I don't know of anything else you can do.. But do not be saddled with debt...talk to a lawyer..today!!
http://addictions.about.com/od/compulsivegambling/tp/gamblinghelplines.htmmay give you some resources you are looking for.
Good luck to you and your daughter!!
Christy
The bible says that the only grounds for divorce being "ok" is when there is sexual infidelity involved. And ever then, God commands the couple pray about it strongly before the decision is made. And the divorcee's cannot get married again... I'm sorry about your situation. I really am. I encourage you to read James. I know you've been waiting 7 years for the change. But, maybe God is trying to show you something. Do you have faith that God will provide for you? Do you worry too much? I know I struggle with worry all the time. And it isn't until I stop worrying that God changes the situation. I know there is a child involved here. But God says that he will give us the desires of our heart, as long as we live to glorify him. Pray and listen.
I have been reading all the post above and the scriptures they have been referring to (matt.5:32) and so on. There is an alliterative to Divorce. That is called a Separation not to be confused with an Annulment.
It leaves you legally "Separate" and not found "Deserting the Spouse." And still married. These are legal terms that you can get more info. on later but in a nut shell. I allows you to live separately and you can tell him that you will remain so until he has made a clean & total break of his addiction. And I believe it also clears you of any debt that He creates. Legal aid can answer those questions for you.
If he is willing to get help, then by all means do so. If not, there is more to "marital unfaithfulness" or "fornication" then just what happens in a bedroom. That is in scripture too! Matt 5:32 is in reference to a Man that is divorcing the woman not the other way around, if you want to get technical about it. God is full of GRACE and Mercy. And you have a responsibility to your child's welfare that goes beyond the marriage vows. Her safety & welfare comes 1st. above ALL else.Do what you can to save your marriage but beyond that- don't feel ANY Guilt about protecting your self or your child! That is your job as a mother! So praying for you!!!
@Ork58@xanga - Wow, what a support to me.
I usually get the source of solutions to my marriage problems from books (books by Stormie Omartian), online counseling, and of course The Bible, and the best is His Words. The marriage is not a band where each individual can come in and out easily. And in marriage, there's always the consequence of everything we do.That's why sometimes i am confused about what i will do.But thank God, day by day, God opens my mind not to worry about my future, my life, my financial, and even my marriage. I still love my husband. God knows that.And i'm sure that God will open a way for us.Thank you, God must bless u.@routergenie@xanga - thank you for your recommended-books.
yes, i used to read books from Stormie Omartian. But the best source for me is The Bible, as you've said.
I have never given up to this marriage. I'm still struggling. Yes, it's very hard and complicated.
Just like song from Def leppard - when love and hate collide.
I love him but hate the way he live.
thank you for supporting me.
God must bless you
@greatredwoman@xanga - thank you for your recommended link and advice. God must bless you.
@xhalesx - Yes, i have read that verse. And fortunately, we don't have sex problem in marriage.
thank you for reminding me about it.God must bless you@KateeLee1@xanga - Yes, that what i have done, separation for change. Hopefully it will work. we have been separated for about 2 years. And he stiil doesn't change.
Thank you, God must bless you.@xhalesx - So she should stay in a marriage where she isn't happy and the guy is risking losing everything they own because he can't keep his gambling urge in check? There's no reason she needs to go down with him.
@henny81@xanga - At some point you gotta realize that you might just be better off without him. His addiction is just going to break you eventually. :(
I'm not religious, but I don't believe any God would want you to stay in an unhappy marriage. You can't force people to change, after all. Your happiness (and your child's) are far more important.
@markshark70 - sorry for all the miss spelling my fingers are to fat for this blackberry,and i hope i didnt offend anyone!!! im a JESUS FREAK !!!
I prefer to be divorced since you've waited for a long time.. But before this decision, i'd like to suggest you to offer him the final chance. Let him know seriously that you are going to think about the future relationship seriously.
Be careful from his abnormal behavior while giving him ultimatum. Even keep yourself safe after your conversations...God bless you.If your husband has a gambling addiction, I would suggest educating yourself about addiction and getting some support through Gam-Anon, the family arm of Gamblers Anonymous, if you haven't already. Even if you decide to divorce, he'll still be part of your life becuase of your daughter -- so learning how to cope with this behavior is important, one way or the other.
@xhalesx - Actually, the other reason that the bible gives for divorce is if the person is not a believer and is not content to live with you...
The problem with this is that it's debatable terms.
If a person is ADDICTED to something for seven years running, I would say that A, that person is not a believer (God sets us free of addictions) and B, that he is NOT content to live with her as a if he was, he would change what he's doing because it hurts her. If he's knowingly hurting her, I wouldn't say that means he's "content to be with her"...
Before you consider divorce, a few questions...
Have you taken and given your husband to God? I don't mean have you prayed that you could change him, change his habits, or his personality; have you taken your husband in your heart and given him to God? The reason is, only One can change your husband.......and it isn't you, with all due respect. Have you given your husband to God?
Ork58@xanga suggests that divorce is sin, and that sin can be forgiven, suggesting that you commit sin. My suggestion is that sin is NEVER an option, and having an attitude of "God will forgive it" totally misses the mark of what Christ did on the cross. If you believe it to be a sin, then don't do it.
If you think it is a sin to divorce, why are you considering it? I would say that you have grounds, that your husband has been committing adultery against you with gambling, but if you are under conviction for considering divorce, why consider it? Instead, why not consider moving out? Would your parents take you and your daughter/their granddaughter into their home? If you left, took your name off of the accounts and the bills, and moved home, might this shake your husband up?
My suggestion is this: move back home, or at least, move to a hotel or somewhere else, and don't tell your husband. Take your daughter on a trip to Grandma and Grandpa, and stay with them for as long as it takes. Let him find out on his own. Get somewhere and pray, really pray --- and fast --- and give your husband to God. Trust me: you can't change him; only God can do that. If he won't listen to God, then you have every right to leave him. As others have said, divorce is heavy stuff, and it can mess with children's minds, so you must pray, and pray hard, to see if this is what the LORD wants.
There are many churches and many Christian organizations that can and will help you in your situation. You are being economically abused, and the best thing to do would be to separate from your husband, take time, and pray, and take your daughter with you. Go to your parents if possible, but definitely excise yourself from him, at least until and if he comes to his senses.
Just my two cents...
@JandJinJapan@xanga - Thank you for reminding me about the bad effects of my plan.
Actually, I try to keep away from thinking of divorce.And I have left him twice for same problem, gambling addict. It's so uncontrolled.The last, i have been leaving him for about 2 years. I moved to my parent's house.So he did. But, there's no change he made. And even he doesn't get any job to get money. So, I fulfill my daughter's needs myself. He doesn't care about how I can provide our daughter's needs and even about my daughter's sickness, Lazy eyes.I still love him and want to live forever with him but not with his addict.I have given him an ultimatum for many times just to make him shocked. But, once again, no change.Thank you for supporting me in God's Words. Yes, I'm afraid to make a sin.And by His Hands, day by day, i can be stronger and find a great thing in my suffering and struggling.Thank you, God must bless you.