I have been in a relationship with the same woman for over 4 and a half years now. We started young; she is my high school sweetheart, and she's been with me as I've graduated college and just really begun to stretch my legs in life.
During our first 2 and a half years together, I was crazy about her. One of the nicknames I gave her was "the answer to my prayer," because I thought God had sent me the perfect woman, gift-wrapped.
Recently the question of marriage has come up after not being discussed by us significantly for a while. With the question comes a lot of mixed motions, actually. On one hand, I'm ecstatic. I love her and I have dreamed of marrying her for a while, but at the same time she worries me.
About a year and a half ago my girlfriend came home from church on a late October Sunday and told me God told her that we should fast from each other for 40 days -- warning bells maybe. I was stupefied, but at the same time I loved her. I do feel she has a real connection with God and trusted she wouldn't mention something so severe lightly.
We did this 40 day fast, got back together and it sounded like all was well. I appreciate her a little more. I read through the 40 Days of Purpose book again for the second time, and I even bought her a promise ring during our dating fast -- the most expensive gift I have ever purchased for anyone in my life. Considering I didn't observe any major issues in our relationship, I assumed all was well. During this time, a family friend and her became particularly close but, considering the bubbly personality she has, nearly all of her friends are very close to her.
A month after giving her the promise ring and starting our relationship from where we left off, she told she had developed feelings for this family friend. I was beyond devastated. This was a woman who I had felt in the deepest pits of my heart I was going to marry -- a woman I trusted absolutely -- and now she broke my heart in a way I would never have imagined.
Over the next year we broke up, but I tried to stay in her life as a support system -- her entire life began falling apart. Due to how close we were and the fact she was entertaining this relationship with the family friend, though, we ended up having a strange love-triangle. At first it was crippling. We fought daily, and I cried more in that year than I have my entire life. I was broken, depressed and trying to hold together my sanity. I will say it made me learn to love God more, learn to trust no human being more than God -- a lesson i had to learn -- understand what true love is and even learn to value myself as a person.
In the past 2 months her life has calmed down again, and she has returned to being like the person I dated in high school. Things are better, but when she mentioned marriage, I didn't know how to respond. When she stated she felt like we could have been married or she was in a state to be married for the past year and a half, I didn't know what to say. A year and a half ago she was still "dating" the family friend .
To the point of the topic of this article, when we were talking about marriage and the future, she mentioned one of the main reasons our relationship ended the first time was because she felt we had done everything we could do as boyfriend and girlfriend. She was frustrated with life and our lack of marriage in general. She said God told her it was okay to be in a relationship with somebody else and not me because our relationship had advanced as far as it could have without being married.
I post this more looking for an answer to a question I don't know if I want to ask. I guess ultimately I want to know what your take is on it and how should I proceed. Our relationship has returned to a good point. We have re-kindled our flame, but scars remain. I trust her, but not as absolutely as I used to. I love her, but not in the near-obsessed level I used to. At the end of it all, I still feel as though she's accepted she had a major role in our break-up, but she doesn't realize how much it felt like she stabbed me in the heart, lied to my face and just hurt me in the worst way .
I guess I want advice or direction or I really don't know -- I am at a loss on what to think about our future, and I am praying God gives me answers. But the Lord takes time and, at the speed at which my mind is going, I am having hard time waiting for an answer. I'm just kind of stuck. I want to go forward, but I still have so many questions I need answered before I can.
How do you respond? Do you have any encouragement for this couple? Have you ever been in a relationship like this? Are there any lessons from scripture about true love and honest relationship that might be applicable to this situation?
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Comments (34)
God doesn't speak to people subjectively, but through His Word. So, God did not tell her to fast from you, or to not marry you, or whatever else. Many confuse emotions for God speaking to them.
Read and trust the Bible, we don't need further revelation.
As to your situation, sounds difficult. I hope things work out for the best.
I partially disagree with the previous comment. God can and does speak to us through His Holy Spirit. It can be termed inspiration when He gives us thoughts, impressions, or feelings. It is not emotion. It is His Spirit speaking to our spirit and imparting light and truth.
However, to the point, this isn't about trusting her, but trusting God. No matter what she has or hasn't done, you take where you are now, you make a decision, and you pray and ask God if it is the correct. He usually will not make the decision for you, but He will confirm a decision that is as important as this one, assuming you are trying to live the kind of life He requires for such an answer.
Also, from your description, this is relatively minor compared to the normal ups and downs that occur in a marriage. Even in a good marriage, your heart will break and be healed many times. But as long as God is the third member of your marriage, and if you love Him more than even each other, your marriage will survive and prosper.
God bless you both to see each other through His eyes.
If you have any doubts do not do it. I was in a similar situation with my husband before we got married...except I was the girl who hurt him. When we eventually got back together we were both sure that it's what God wanted for us. You must pray and discern if it's right. The tiniest hint of doubt will be magnified when you're married.
You have to be perfectly honest with her about how you're feeling. Don't rush this. You might end up together, but you need to take the time to heal.
Marriage is not a race.
@lomal@xanga - Does Scripture say God speaks to us by the Holy Spirit? Luther said enthusiasm, referring to those who claimed to hear from God, is always from the devil. I wouldn't suggest trusting anything you hear, trust what God has said.
My sympathies for your heartache.
First, do NOT take anyone's advice via the internet; decisions made that way are a recipe for disaster. Go talk to a Nouthetic Counselor to get solid face-to-face biblical counseling (you can find one free at NANC.org).
Second, God only speaks to prophets. Gut feelings, hunches, and stray thoughts are NOT prophetic utterances from God. God speaks to all the rest of us via the Scriptures. To explore whether sensations and feelings are God "speaking" you are invited to read here: http://craigwbooth.xanga.com/724889918/knowing-god%E2%80%99s-will-in-advance-the-have%E2%80%99s-and-the-have-not%E2%80%99s/
Third, a marriage can work with anyone if both people are fully invested in making the marriage work (unbelievers marry unbelievers and make it work, saved people marry and make it work, etc.). Again, a Nouthetic Counselor can provide excellent pre-marrital counseling.
Fourth, there is NO "Mr.Right" or "Mrs.Right" or "the one." God expects you to apply the principles in His Word and for you to make a wise choice, but He has not picked out your bride for you.
Blessings.
@craigwbooth@xanga - Agreed. Though, I would add, there are not modern prophets.
@MagisterTom@xanga - LOL
Well, what I will say about that is this (uh oh, a Forest Gump moment for me):
the test in Scripture for a prophet is that he speaks 100% accurately in the name of the Lord without "one word" being spoken wrongly or presumptuously. Not one prophetic word in error.
Famous theologian and supporter of the modern prophecy movement Wayne Grudem stated that he has not yet met a prophet who prophecies without error; he said the best he has seen is about 40% accuracy.
So...I am open to meeting a 100% correct speaking prophet, but I also have net yet met him or her. Some day, in the last days during the Great Tribulation, witnesses from heaven will come to preach and to prophesy, so, in the future the world will again see true prophets. For now, I am still watching and waiting for one.
The topic at hand isn't if there is a prophet out there.
Johnn, she had an itch and it came about that some of the 40 days got into exploring about relationships and that involved the other man. I've been there. In fact, the woman that was asking me about what I thought about what was happening in her relationship, at that time, had once said "I really love you!" Well, I didn't want to become intimate with her. I never had to say so. Apparently she figured that out; or maybe she didn't even have that on her mind. In fact, I never knew what she meant when she said that she'd loved me. I don't in fact care.
She married her man about a year later. They are happy now going on 10 years. So, as you are thinking about a future where there are moments of doubt, realize that what @lomal@xanga said is true: "No matter what she has or hasn't done, you take where you are now, you make a decision" From, @myareoplane@xanga - realize that "Marriage is not a race." is true.
@craigwbooth@xanga - says: "a marriage can work with anyone if both people are fully invested in making the marriage work" -- TRUE too.
You don't say clearly what your inner struggle is. If you want advice about how fast to proceed, I don't have that. I think that it is clear that if your relating with her remains as is, that she may want to explore what is the future of your relationship. In other words, if nothing much changed inside her, then she probably still wonders what she wants or how to get that or something that is likely to pull at her some days. All that is perfectly normal. I don't know anybody that 100% feels ALWAYS 100% satisfaction in 100% of their primary relationship.
If you pray, then try asking God to bring about His will. Nothing else is going to be given. I hope I am helpful.
You must make your decisions. God Bless.
When your ex comes out of church and says God told her to have a break from you and date other people, she is either: delusional, a liar, mistaking her desires and emotions for divine direction, reading too much into the sermon that morning, or God is really getting involved in the minutiae of her life. You know, mad, bad, sad, had or Dad.
All of those possiblitities means that you should leave well alone and find someone else. Even for a strict believer in minute divine intervention as I assume you are, sometimes it aint and you should just follow your instincts. She doesn't want you but dropped you gently. She "just likes you as a friend". Now where have I heard that one before. Let her come to you. You chase her and she will assume you as her "fallback" if she gets dumped in the future. That's how girls operate. That's no way to have a healthy relationship. Stop talking like a love sick teenager and get over it. Put that particular "lost love" behind you like grownups do. You will never be really mature until you do.
Don't listen to any of the commenters here. Listen to scripture. stick to that. pray for revelation. but don't listen (at least not thoroughly) to any of us without consulting the manual. Every situation is different - nuances which can't be conveyed in a blog post.
I strongly suggest going to counseling, and fast. Find a counselor who does sessions with both of you together, as well as individual.
Do i think it could work out? Yes... but its going to take a lot of work on both your parts. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to forgive her for what happened and let go of the past. If you are not willing to let go and move on, then the trust cannot be completely rebuilt. And trust is one of the vital cornerstones of a solid relationship.
My girl friends hated it when I excused myself with, "The Devil made me do it!"
And I hated it when they excused themselves with, "God told me it was okay..."Pardon me, but I think it's time to strike up the Twilight Zone music.
@craigwbooth@xanga - Yeah, about Grudem. That is the biggest weakness with his systematic theology. As you said, a prophet has to be 100% accurate. He thinks we can have people prophesying that are less than perfect in their prophesy. If someone is a "prophet" and they can't discern if it is God, their emotions, or a demon speaking to them more than 40% of the time, they aren't a prophet at all and would do us all a favor to keep the voices in their heads to themselves. I think Grudem's views on the gifts are damaging to the Church as a whole. I love his work on complementarian issues and gender roles. And, the ESV, that he worked on, is a very good translation.
History supports the cessationist view, as does reason.
As for the two end times prophets in Revelation. If they are two literal people called by God to be prophets, it will be obvious to Christians, we won't have to be looking for them. Until then, I give no regard to people claiming to be prophets.
okay.. where to start... first of all you're brave for asking the one thing you don't want to ask!
Now the hard bit... i disagree with the previous comments about God not having picked your bride, in my opinion God has totally already chosen who you're going to end up with! I know that when i meet him i'll know that he is the one, there will be no questions asked, it will be my goodness i love this man. And he will be a man and not a boy. That's so important i feel like you're girl is just that, she is acting like a girl. I feel from an outsider looking in that she doesn't know what she wants and lovely i warn you now that if you have any doubts whats so ever, even if they are small, please don't get involved it could destroy both of you!
I ended a relationship with someone i was infatuated with because we wanted different things in life. we believed different things and at first it was alright and i knew that we were crazy about each other so i let it slide but when it started to niggle at me and make me really double take and think 'do i really believe what he's saying?' i had to take a step back and really think what i wanted in a man. I am not what he needs and he isn't what i need.
I really feel lovely that you should seek advice from someone that knows the both of you and even though there may be love there that doesn't mean that you are meant to be with one another. God has chosen you're bride and it's up to you to become the man that she desires and is praying for everyday.
Hope this helps!
:)
My suggestion? See a counselor. You two have some unresolved stuff going on, as would be expected from your situation. All of that needs to be dealt with before marriage. Getting married will only amplify those issues. So better to deal with them now instead of later.
Well, as you can see- the internet is not the best place to get advise on something as sacred as Marriage. You end up with a theological debate.
That being said- Telling someone that "God told me..." anything does two things-1) it puts the "blame & responsibility" on the Lord & 2) gives the words a seemingly "Higher level of authority" to them.
Regardless of who told her what- SHE needs to make her own decisions and take responsibility for them.
See if she is willing to go to counseling with you. Marriage is hard enough to do these days, both need to take it seriously. Next month I'll have been married to the same man for 32 yrs. This much I know, If a person is not willing to take responsibility for their own decisions how in the world are they going to be able to do that for (or with) their spouse in the day of trouble or take responsibility for a possible child. Responsibility is what a good marriage & parenthood needs to survive. Its nothing short of what God demands of us- truth, confession, forgiveness, grace.
There is more at stake here then just a theological debate. Much more. And on a personal note- anyone who puts a "deadline" on an engagement is insecure and not ready for marriage.
Praying for you!
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I have plans, not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future"
God would never tell us to do something that would harm another, and that includes any type of harm, whether physical, emotional, spiritual, etc...
What happened with your girlfriend was confused emotions, she must have had some feelings for this man, even if they were in the very back of her mind. If we believe, we grow stronger in our walk with the Lord, and you must pray that's what happens with you two, pray to stay strong, and get stronger. Pray that God will give wisdom to your girlfriend, and pray that she's the one that you can stay happily married to 'til death.
Which god told her?
How did it tell her (vision, voices/other?)
Evidence is?
IF you had confidence that your choice of a god always gets things right first time every time then you need to let your lady-friend screw around and give thanks to your god for teaching you both the lessons you obviously both need so stop praying and asking it to change things ye of little faith, LOL!
Next!
She's your highschool sweetheart, she's one of those girls who's using what "god told her" as a way to really do what she wants. The sad part? She probably does believe that God is telling her to do these things because in her delusional psycho crazy mind she has told herself that if her illogical hormonal impulses scream loud enough, it MUST be God speaking to her.
No, that's a bunch of shenanigans.
There's billions of people in this world, you've spent all this time hung up on one girl who crumpled a paper of trust that you can never get back to perfect again.
I'd say chalk it up to a learning experience and start over new, with someone you can trust fully.
I mean gosh, we're young, you gotta ask yourself if you REALLY want to wake up next to that woman every morning for the rest of your life. I know when I was engaged that's when it hit me like a sack of bricks what it actually meant to be engaged. I looked at him and realized that he was not what I wanted in a partner and I could not wake up next to him every day for the rest of my life.
well i have a few girl friends who read the scripture and consult their pastors for advice about their relationship with their boyfriends. they both mutually decided that it was best to remain as friends, to grow both personally and spiritually as a single person(it is also much easier to be focused on god when you're an individual), but made a promise to their partner of marriage a few years down the track. They've all cut their intimacies from each other (no kissing etc). From their experience they feel like they've grown much more being 'single'
You don't find it a little strange you've been with this girl for 4 years and you aren't married? What are you two waiting for? A lightening rod? If you really both felt that you couldn't live without one another, wouldn't the deed have been done? I don't believe in long engagements, courtships, whatever, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in a series of living together arrangements. I would either go to marriage counseling with her, go to counseling by myself, or, drop her and find someone who will fulfill your needs as a man and a husband. And the "God told her?" Laughable.
I've gone through...a similar but broken situation.
I guess I have to answer your question with more pointed questions.
Do you believe that a round 2 is worth it? Because for me...I wanted it to work so badly. I loved him. I really really REALLY loved him. I knew he was the one. I was going to marry him. And when he ended it because of ______, I was devastated, but it didn't stop me from loving him. Years passed and the wound "healed", and by healed I mean I buried it, convinced myself that I wasn't going to let it define our relationship, and it festered.
I was with him 4 and a half YEARS. I knew this man like the back of my hand. Marriage seemed natural.
But did it feel right? Was it right in my heart? Even though we are still madly in love, was I giving myself to him freely, or was I giving myself to him in hopes that we could just leave behind the hurt and move forward?
I think the most damaging part of all of this is that she is blaming God for her actions. God may have told her that it was okay to date someone else--or that might have been another voice. Her voice. The voice that told her she didn't know. The voice that told her that going to find out wasn't a big deal. Maybe she wasn't ready--but seeing that there is no place beyond the relationship except marriage. Well, what happens when you're married and the relationship isn't going anywhere? What happens when you're married and you hit the plateau? When the spark dies?
I'm not saying she'd cheat. I'm saying that she's looking for spark. She's looking for romance. And if she gets restless when it's not there, there's something else wrong here.
I'm saying that if your heart is cautious, it should be! But that in the right relationship, it won't be. You will be reaffirmed in your love. You will be ready. And excited. Without doubts.
Some people will disagree because life isn't a fairy tale. But I'm telling you. If it feels wrong. At all.It's wrong.
To be honest, I have been her. Not exactly the same situation, but I believe that you need to be communicating this with her. She needs to understand and be able to tell you what she did and not try to justify it. Now, I don't mean you should hold it over her head - because that is not healthy. But in all honestly, if you have doubts- you need to resolve them before taking the next step. She hurt you, and she needs to understand that your relationship has started over and needs to rebuild. You may have been with her for 4 years, but on that break, it put you guys - not at square one, but zero. Because now, there is a trust issue. THere has to be trust and communication and if you are weary of her communicating to you. That needs to be fixed first.
I completely disagree with the first comment as God has spoken to me personally and several people in my family.
Regardless, what I CAN say is that God absolutely did NOT tell your girlfriend to do these things. When we learn to understand if God is speaking to us we have to ask if it's our emotions, firstly that are getting the better of us, and we also have to line it up with scripture and see that this is even something that God would say.
God is NOT a God of confusion, and He would not tell someone with a commit to someone else to date someone else. >_> That is not the heart or spirit of God. That is an emotional state.