Friday, 26 October 2012
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10 Reasons You Should Think Twice About Dating Someone Who Goes to Your Church
By Maylin
Reason #1 - The Awkward
Let's talk about the awkward, shall we? Awkward: He asks you out. You say no. He proceeds to pretend that you have fallen from the face of the earth. Awkward: Your friend dated his friend's roommate's set dresser's bartender's e-girlfriend's cousin. Awkward: You volunteer together every other Sunday and still have to see each other at church, even if it ends... awkwardly.
Reason #2 - "That Guy"
Let's talk about that guy. (There also exists "that girl," I'm sure, but all my experiences have been with that guy. Sorry.) Have you ever heard the phrase, "No one wants to be that guy"? Well, revise that to "No one wants to date that guy." Harsh, but true. Why? Because he hits on every single single girl at church, which means he's: A) Desperate, B) Has very little dating experience, or C) Desperate and has very little dating experience. It might be poor personal hygiene. It might be the tendency to constantly bring up a struggle with lust during co-ed group discussions. It might be an inability to take "no" for an answer -- at which point "that guy" becomes "that stalker" and you might have to get a restraining order. Regardless, that guy will always ask you out, as a rule. Which is, as you already may have guessed, awkward.
Reason #3 - She's Just Not That Into You
This is not, strictly speaking, entirely true. It's just that, if you like them, they probably don't like you, and vice versa. When girls complain that, "No one asks me out," what they really mean is "No one cute (or that I like) has asked me out." I theorize that, realistically, there are one or two girls or guys everyone wants to date. They, in turn, have inexplicably taken a vow of celibacy and/or are holding out for Ryan Gosling. Yes, the guys too.
Reason #4 - Nice Girls Finish Last
You are too nice. If you were raised to be a good Christian guy or girl, you probably aren't completely comfortable saying "no" -- just "no." No qualifications, no "You're a really nice guy, but..." or "I'm really focusing on my acting right now, so..." These things take practice. If you're nice to a guy, he might think you're flirting with him -- in fact, he will definitely think you're flirting with him if you don't want him to think you're flirting with him. Now you're stuck somewhere between a rock and a literalist interpretation of scripture: If you're not nice, you're a bad Christian. If you're too nice, you're a good Christian, but now this guy is stuck to you like a barnacle to a whale's arse no matter how politely you tell him that you're focusing on your walk with the Lord.
Reason #5 - The Prohibition Against Drinking in Church [Communion Wine Excepted]
Just kidding. Sort of. Problem is, Christians take dating way too seriously, and at church, everyone is on their best church-behavior. Plus, when you're screening every member of the opposite sex for desirable life partner traits, it kind of takes the fun out of dating, or most forms of social interaction for that matter.
Reason #6 - The Sisterhood of the Traveling Gossip Pants
People, they talk. And by people, I mean girls. They talk about guys at church and whether or not it would be a good idea to date them. This leaves, oh let's see, one and a half guys who are acceptable to date. All the single girls at church then hold a gladiatorial contest to determine who gets to sit next to him during Bible study. Of course, then he goes and says something that could be construed as insensitive and we all take a vow of celibacy and/or continue to hold out for Ryan Gosling. It's brutal.
Reason #7 - The Insta-Couple
The minute you sit with that guy or girl at church, everyone assumes you are a couple. I'm not sure why this is. Probably because when you look around at church, it's all couples or suicidal single people sitting by themselves. Or with friends. This makes so much sense. Guys I barely know have sought me out at church in order to sit next to me. I guess that's their way of staking their claim. Perhaps there's something about singing "Blessed Be Your Name" next to someone that really clinches whether you should spend the rest of your life with them. Sitting together = practically married, after all.
Reason #8 - The Insta-Wife [Add one heaping tablespoon Jesus and stir]
Church engagements are known for being criminally short. Or maybe it's just my church. Soon after becoming someone's insta-girlfriend or boyfriend you are this close to becoming someone's insta-husband or wife. It's insane. Not to mention scary. What makes it worse is that everyone will be secretly or not-so-secretly judging you for your three-minute-engagement. You dog, you.
Reason #9 - The Temple of the Holy Spirit Market
Think about it for a minute. Scoping out your church for dates feels... a little bit icky. "Wow, that was a really great sermon. I really felt like God was speaking to me about -- whoa, that guy in the plaid is hot!" Or worse: "She's really cute, I wonder if... Uh oh! Wedding ring alert!" Treating church like a singles mixer pretty much always leads to feeling like the least spiritual, most shallow person on the face of the earth.
Reason #10 - The Clincher
You might meet someone and fall in love. This reason alone should be enough for you to never think of, or even consider dating someone who goes to your church. Don't say I didn't warn you.
What has been your experience as a single or dating person in church? Do you find that, in times of singleness, you sometimes look around church like it's a meat market?
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Comments (7)
Maybe some are more inclined to be attracted to those they see more often, such as at church, and maybe some are more inclined to avoid them. It's a highly personal issue, and one size doesn't necessarily fit all.
oh my word...it sounds like you live in hell. What church do you attend, the First Brimstone church of Hell? Being Baptized in fire in that church, would take on a whole new meaning and one I'd totally not want to experience. Heh!
Sorry to ramble on ungraciously, but I suspect this is written tongue-in-cheek. Goodness that sounds totally horrible, but I don't think its only b/c of the church, its congregation, or the guys in that church. It sounds like the people there, judge, gossip, and generally work together to create an environment that is totally high-risk and perhaps even emotionally unsafe. I suspect it would be difficult for anyone to navigate that environment well, but choosing to not date when its clear the writer hopes to marry one day doesn't feel a life-giving choice.
I can imagine a way in which each (man or woman) can stand uprightly and just pursue the desires of their heart, but that requires courage. Courage to face full on whatever others might think, or say. And that requires looking inward to explore feelings of desire (or the opposite), rejection (why do I care what others think). It also requires I ask questions of myself like why am I attracted to this person (who all the girls desire) and not this other person (who in reality just asked me out). How can I love well in the midst of my desires not being fulled and feeling annoyed at that guy who is sitting next to me.
Seems to me that's the journey of Holiness. The OPs story sounded so painful, yet honest (at some level) that I had to explore myself to find hope in there somewhere...hope my comment isn't too prescriptive.
I was 21 and was one of the youth leaders in my church. I ended up going out with another leader for half a year. It didn't work out because my feelings weren't strong enough. I didn't know I wasn't in love in the beginning because he, after all, was my first boyfriend. I thought the breakup was sensible and I was honest to him about the reasons why.
However, during the period when we were both depressed and grieving, people in my youth group took sides. I felt completely judged and avoided by people after the breakup. It just added to the hurt and it affected my church attendance. At that time I thought: I'd rather be outside being active in the community rather than ministering in church feeling judged. I love God and want to serve but the negative feelings I get inside the church were simply an unnecessary baggage. I vowed never to date anyone in my church again. 3 years later, I am starting to become active in the behind-the-scenes of my church again. A couple of guys from the said youth group are showing interest. I really like one of them for all those 3 years that passed but I feel stuck and extremely cautious. I have been praying but feel unable to reciprocate the interest being shown in case it start another cycle of a complicated church relationship. Am I just too hardened?
Reminds me a bit of my Intervarsity days at North Dakota State University. I got a good laugh out of that.
@lhezsirc - I don't think you're "too hardened." You either feel it or you don't. You can't make yourself feel it.
@lhezsirc - go out with him and move to a new church ;)
@lhezsirc - Listen to the answer you got through prayer. It seems the fact you can't reciprocate there is something there.