Wednesday, 17 October 2012
-
Coming to Terms: Life After the Cult
A little over a year ago, on July 21st 2011, I left the church I'd been part of the entirety of my life. From birth I'd gone to church, the congregation were closer to me than my own family. For thirty one years, the place, the people, the ministers and their ministry were part and parcel of my existence.Yet 2011 brought about a huge change that was difficult, frightening, caused anxiety, stress, discomfort, added to fear and worries yet possibly the bravest, proudest thing I'd ever done. I removed myself from out of the bonds, chains and fears that for most of my life had held me as a prisoner.
It would be so easy to explain life in that place as simply being part of some cult. You say the word cult to anyone and instantly people think of Jonestown or The Moonies or Scientologists -- large organisations driven and controlled by very manipulative, powerful people. The church I was part of was a cult, a sect, a place so heavily controlled psychologically, mentally and emotionally. But we were a tiny, insignificant place, the congregation never more than forty to fifty people.
Even so, on July 21st 2011, after a week of coming to a decision and utterly despairing that I was going to hell for it, I sent a text -- because I was too terrified to call -- saying I, with my younger sister, were leaving the church to my, then, 'leaders'. I then lived a month of anxious fear, with them sending numerous texts, trying to get in touch by phone and through other people, thinking they were somehow going to 'get me back' into the fold.
At this point, I hadn't even begun to pick apart or analyze what I was going through and how wrong that place had been under their control. What is so desperately sad is that there are people who remain under the leadership’s clutches, people I haven't spoken to for over a year because they are not allowed to contact me or speak to me for fear I'll abscond them away also. People who were family -- people who have such a love for God, who so eagerly seek to serve him and the kingdom that they remain in fear, like I did, that to leave the 'protection' the ministry provides, to veer away from the path God has set them, will remove them from his protection and bring terrible things upon their lives.
Over the last year I've come to see for myself the dangers of such a place, the issues and setbacks I carry now with me as a thirty two year old woman, born of the control I was under. At the moment I don't attend church, but as a friend once said to me, 'I do God, but I don't do church'.
For the moment, I believe in God, I believe in my salvation, I believe in Jesus, Holy Spirit, I have faith. But my trust in churches and especially in leadership makes it hard to find a place I am comfortable being in. I felt guilty about this for a long time but now I think each to their own, every church is taught differently, every minister and person interprets God and his teachings in their own way, according to their own faith. Right now I am on my own path, discovering what my faith means, how strong it is, my love for God and how I shape it and mold it into the 21st century.My intent is to share with people the experience of growing up and living within an abusive 'church' or cult or sect, whatever label you wish to put upon it. Because for a long time, you feel you have to keep it a secret; even now, few people outside of very close friends who went through the same experience as I know the truth of that place that was my life for so long.
But it was part of my life, it is my history, it shaped me into the person I am and made me witness to the kind of dangerous people who are wolves in sheep’s clothing. If I cannot tell the truth, if I can't share that with people then nobody truly knows me, who I am, who I want to be.
I also hope to bring hope to people, because it's never too late to begin again, that you learn and heal and grow despite the difficulties. My life was abused not physically, but I am scarred yet I am healed, I am damaged yet I am whole -- because of my strength in the face of utter fear and weakness. And I put testament to the fact that is not just borne of me, but an inner strength that I know is something God plants within each one of us.
Do you or does someone you know have experience in cults or dangerous church sects? What can we learn from those experiences, and how can we help those who have escaped from unhealthy church environments?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to revelife's Revelife Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in revelife's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: NewAttitude
- Name: NewAttitude
- Location:
- About Me: Brought up within a Christian household I attended the same church all of my life. A year ago (I was 31) I finally came to face the fact that the 'church' was no more than a small cash cow and cultish sect, the leaders using emotional and pyschological techniques to control and manipulate. This blog is here to tell the story of the struggle it was to continuously battle under than regimental control, yet still throughout and now, beyond, have faith in God, his goodness and his love. My faith has not diminished, but I my beliefs, my core values, the way I see Chrisitianity, the way I think aboout God and my faith has undeniably turned around hugely. I still believe, I still love God, but this blog will be an exploration of the experience I went through and how it is hard to shake yourself from that life I was a prisoner too.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 4187 Comments: 0 31 View all posts by NewAttitude
Comments (32)
My ex-college roommate realized when she was at school that her family was in a cult. It was tough for her, but it's amazing to see how God has worked to free her and her family from the chains. I know what you mean about not all cults being the same. Hers wasn't as strange as some, but it was still a cult that manipulated its followers. Glad she broke free and that you did, too. God bless.
People are quick to label things "cult", especially in Christianity. I don't know why you would think your old church was a cult group, so I can't agree or disagree with you here. I'd need more information.
I have known a few members of cults, and it seems that they break free when they allow the love of God to overpower the fear taught by man and the devil.
One thing I love about my Father in Heaven is that He testifies of truth. Satan may counterfeit with lies, but God has given us the Holy Spirit to know the difference. Sometimes people are comfortable being under the control of others. It absolves them of responsibility and they don't really have to think for themselves. But Jesus said that we should be like Him and that we should be one with Him and the Father. Their love and mercy and oneness brings freedom to us here and in the eternities, because the truth makes us free. We are free to do His will, not by coercion, but by choice and out of love. The way of the devil and his temptations always leads to a restriction of who we are, but the true way of God makes us more than we could ever hope to be. And best of all, it is all predicated on that love which lifts up, not that fear that ties down.
I would like to know more...not just morbid curiosity but to understand what you mean by manipulation. I think that it is easy for a small congregation to get to that place - easier than one that has to answer to a governing body outside of the local church.
I would hope that you have tried visiting churches where you have friends and getting back into a fellowship (one that is not manipulative or cultish). We are called to be members of the Body of Christ, and that means the universal, catholic (not Roman Catholic, per se) Body. We are members individually, but also corporately.
I am sorry for the fear that you still have and hope that you will be healed. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. I know that you still have faith and hope (and love). Thanks for sharing.
@RevoHor@xanga - believe me I wasn't quick to label it as such, in fact it took a long time to come to terms in recognising the techniques used that are cult related, it took an even longer time to admit that I'd been in an abusive system. I've done my research, read numerous books and I'm still personally analysing situations I went through. Some 'rules' I lived with off the top of my head -
Having to ask permission to go on holiday
Having to ask permission to go out with friends (meals, bowling, the cinema)
No dating - God would provide a boyfriend/husband/partner when he deemed you worthy of it
Asking if you can get your hair cut
Having to explain why you didn't attend meetings - Sundays AM & PM, Tuesdays and Thursdays (and no excuse was good enough really)
Having to explain why you didn't attend social events organised with the church group
Not speaking to ex members who had left the church.
Being told if you left church you would lose the protection of God
It of course would be so easy to ask 'why did you stay' but the power of control and manipulation is key and paramount to having this much sway over a persons life.
@quest4god - I'm not completely closed off to the idea of church or finding a new church. I do still visit some local ones in the area which I enjoy, but I'm not ready to fully commit myself to being completely involved with them. I do fellowship with a small group who, like me are 'ex members' which I find theraputic and we don't focus on just what we came through, but on what is going on in our lives now. I find the group setting a more comfortable situation, where there is no leader but everyone speaking their own thoughts and views with the focus on God and what he is doing in our lives.
@lomal@xanga - I think for me breaking free was more a knock on effect. When I found out some other members were also leaving, members I considered to be within the 'inner circle' of the leadership it sort of set off warning bells. Being witness to how they treated one particular family for about seven months before they left I finally came to the decision enough was enough, that I couldn't handle the pressure, but it was very difficult and frightening to actually let them know I was leaving. For months I despised myself for even considering leaving because I felt I was completely evil and wrong for considering turning my back on the church. But I wasn't turning my back on the church, just the leadership.
My strength did come from God and I know even when I was leaving that it wasn't him I was leaving, despite that was what I had had spoken into my life for so long, that leaving that church meant I was leaving God and losing my faith.
Without naming the church, I belonged to what most Christians believe is a cult for 35 years. And yes, it is painful, and I look back now, and am able to see good things as well as bad. I had only been out 2 years when I married my fundamentalist husband, and we must have attended every church in the valley over the next 15 years. I just wasn't comfortable with the hell and damnation stuff. We eventually wound up in a Baptist church, with dear friends, for 8 years, but one week my pastor called me to a meeting to inform me I'd be much happier elsewhere. Someone had called him to tell him of my political persuasion. Talk about painful. Hubby was infuriated. I cried buckets of tears. Then, one week, I told my husband we hadn't been to any reformed churches, because evangelicals didn't consider them Christians. We attended a presbyterian church that week, and they had what most fundamentalists don't have. A choir!!!! My heart filled with joy, and God's love permeated my soul. I realized that you can attend a Christ centered church and disagree with one or two things, and still be fed spiritually. So my advice to you is not worry about fitting in anywhere, but take the opportunity to visit different churches and get a "feel" for what's happening there. It's great to make new friends, and you don't have to agree with everything. And in time, your cult experience will weaken to the point that you don't think that much about it.
A Christian church is far from a cult. I believe the reason most people leave the church is because they are unwilling to give up some form of sin in their lives or they don't like the idea that a loving God can and will send people to a burning, flaming hell, where there will be pain and torment for all of eternity. They are unwilling to humble themselves to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, obey Gods commands and in rejecting his word they make themselves God. Either God is God or you are, He sits on the Throne or you do. We can't have it both ways. Besides the life of Faith is awesome, I wouldn't want to live it any other way, I want to stay on the straight and narrow road baby!
@Pollypinks@xanga - This is the first time I've ever heard that "evangelicals" don't consider Presbyterians Christians! I've never run into anyone who has said that - although a friend of mine did say that he considered us to be unmoved by the Spirit. (I laughingly called him a bigot).
I found out that I was of the reformed tradition in my beliefs even before I knew what "reformed" meant - actually since the day I was saved.
I hope you can prosper spiritually where you are for the rest of your life. Having to move - even for geographical reasons - unsettles for a while, and we need to remain constant in our communion with God.
@derekwilson24@xanga - This poster didn't say "leaving THE church" just leaving the situation where they were not comfortable. That's not the same as saying they don't want God. I could wish your comment had been more careful.
@NewAttitude - Thanks for replying! It is good to hear of your continuing quest for fellowship in the Spirit. I think that any strong doctrinal church would encourage fellowship outside its walls as long as it is in harmony with correct doctrine. Love is important and God knows our needs.
I hope you will find a church where you know you are called to serve. Not having a pastor is really not according to God's gifts to the church because He places under-shepherds over us for many reasons, but one of them is not to "lord it over" the flock. The true shepherd loves those entrusted to him just as the Shepherd of our souls, Jesus, does.
Grace and peace.
The church I currently go to has been called a cult..and biblically so was Jesus's church. It was called a sect in the book of acts. However to have me not contact friends who aren't part of the church is definitely something we don't do. We have related to every group and therefore baptize so much people every week that it's like a baptism a day. I strongly believe in your church holding you accountable of your sin..giving advice and relating in a loving manner. but to try to control without love is hurtful for peoples faith. so I understand your pain. Sorry you went through that.
@Pollypinks@xanga - thanks for this - I was just talking with a friend yesterday about this. The church I was in was pentecostal, so the churches I've visited have been pentecostal. However I've been chatting to someone at work who goes to a local baptist church and I'd like to visit. I am finding that faith or belief can't be boxed into one 'denomination' and I'm not going to find a place that I completely agree or diagree with because no church or leadership is perfect. At least now though I can be comfortable to say I can agree or diagree with a teaching, that if I don't agree with something that is said, I shouldn't feel bad or condemn myself for it, because I have a brain and my own thoughts on my Christianity and able to analyse and even question certain teachings or words.
It must have been very hard to have someone turn around and tell you 'you don't belong' merely because of you're personal politcal views, or for any reason. I can't imagine what it would have felt like but I'm glad you've found somewhere you feel a part of :D
@derekwilson24@xanga - A Christian church is far from a cult. - Many cults and sects set themselves up with Christian doctrines and teachings in order to veil their true identity.
I believe the reason most people leave the church is because they are unwilling to give up some form of sin in their lives or they don't like the idea that a loving God can and will send people to a burning, flaming hell, where there will be pain and torment for all of eternity. - For years I told I was going to hell, despite the fact I attended church twice on sundays and three meetings throughout the week. I read my bible every day, I prayed, I had a relationship with God. Yet constantly I was knocked down,reminded I was a sinner, convinced that I wasn't good enough to be loved. I didn't leave because I was unwilling to give up a sin in my life. I left because I phsyically couldn't continue under their so called teachings. Psychological abuse is very real and very powerful.
Besides the life of Faith is awesome, I wouldn't want to live it any other way, I want to stay on the straight and narrow road baby! - a life of faith is awesome I quite agree. I'm glad my faith remained intact when I got myself out of the place I was in. That leaving my church wasn't me leaving God or his protection, his grace and that I still had faith to believe. I think that is the greatest gift and blessing I had coming out of there, that my faith had not been swayed or diminished by the abuse I was under. It would have been so easy to walk away and let it be an excuse to stop believing and to give up on God, yet I knew I still loved him and that my leaving my church wasn't my leaving Him.
@quest4god - I'm sure I will find a place when it's the right time for me. I'm a believer in God working in his own time and leading people in the right direction at his pace, not ours. At the moment, for me, fellowship with people I have a close bond with and who I can comfortably talk to about the situation, who understand and lived under the same rules is a good thing, especially as we can move on and work through the problems. Some of these people left the church years and years ago and now attend local churches in the area - it's a testament to God that despite a decade or more of no communication with these people our bond is still strong and that after not speaking or seeing them it is like being brought back into the fold. I suppose now, after accepting salvation at 13 yrs old, I only now really have the freedom to discover what my beliefs and my faith mean to me. I understand God puts people over his flock to teach and guide, but ultimately it comes down to your personal relationship with Him and I need to figure out for myself what that is and how that works because I know it works differently for everyone as much as our gifts are all different. if we were all the same, in faith, in beliefs, we'd all be very boring. God made us unique and individual :D
Oh, in my valley, fundamentalists do not consider reformed people Christians. We attend an ecumenical service once a year, with many groups attending, to share, give hope and help, and be of one in social networking. The only people who refuse to come are the fundamentalist groups, because they take umbrage with all of the worshipping groups present. They are really missing out on being a true Christian.
"If I cannot tell the truth, if I can't share that with people then nobody truly knows me, who I am, who I want to be. " this was profound. =]
Continue to be vulnerable like that - offering yourself, reveling yourself. Thank you for your strength in sharing. I can see by the way responded so peaceably and with discretion that you are a precious person and rightly close to God =]
I grew up pentecostal (church of God). I went to a United Pentecostal Church for a few months when i was a teenager to check it out. It was very different and restricting for me. I didn't stay.
@xXrEMmUsXx@xanga - to be honest not being able to tell people is very frustrating but at the same time, it isn't exactly something you can easily come out with in conversation. Yet for thirty one years I attended church - people know that I did, but even members of my own family don't know what truly went on within that church body. I'm only a year out and I'm still coming to terms with certain areas, trying to find my way. Starting this blog in a way is a step forward, if only to be able to share it with people who may have some understanding as well as encouragement whilst I can remain in a sense anonymous as I analyse and share my experiences. Thankfully we learn from our past experiences, be they good or bad ones and I have found in myself a strength and confidence I didn't even know existed born from taking the reigns of my life out of the hands of two people who had no right to control it. It's like meeting your real self for the first time - quite eye opening.
Found a fascinating verse in the Bible. Sound strange? Well, I’ve found that one can read the Bible and never exhaust the newness, the freshness of God’s Word. I know that I have read (read; gone by) this verse many times but on this reading the verse turned into a neon sign. The verse?
Exodus 33:11; “So the Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend. And he would return to the camp, but his servant Joshua the son of Nun, a young man, did not depart from the tabernacle.” I always wondered about Joshua and how he got his calling. I think this is it. He
found it so wonderful being prone before God he didn’t want to leave. Spending time before our Lord Jesus can be extremely refreshing and instructive. May I suggest something? Start with Matthew,
chapters 5, 6, and 7. Read them out loud to yourself so you can see and hear that word of faith (Romans 10:17). That can start you in praying the Word (combine God’s Word with your surrender to Him in prayer). Extremely refreshing.
I am currently investigating the mormon church-it's what my blog is about. I have heard it is a cult though and i'm not sure how i feel about that.
@RevoHor@xanga - It takes a long time to call something that once protected you, a cult. It takes a lot of courage to walk away. Don't question a stranger over the internet's ability to judge accurately what is and isn't a cult. You have no idea how fragile she is towards walking back.
Obviously her not being allowed to talk to past members is a big RED FLAG that screams cult.
@NewAttitude - Recovering from cult abuse takes a lot of time. You'll be sitting there and you'll say "and omg them doing this was also a tactic". For years. It's been four years since I left the place I was being brainwashed at, for just two years, four months of which was spent at the actual place. I can imagine it will take longer for you. It took about 3.5 years for me to finally come to a conclusion and be able to explain it to people correctly. It makes me so angry when somebody tries to talk to me about this cult and it's clear how brainwashed they are, and it's like nothing gets through to them. I mean freaking George Bush has met the leader of the cult I was in and fell for their semantics. And I have their tactics down now. How they dominate and controlled us. Promised us the world. If you come here, everything will be perfect, if you leave, you will die. Were militaristic and told us it was for our own good. Took advantage of illnesses by plastering them all over to gain profits. We also weren't allowed to talk to past members. Since they were a money making cult, they often disposed of girls who wouldn't make them money, these girls were kept in rooms until their planes arrived, not allowed to speak to anyone else.
I myself have grown up in church (my dad is currently a pastor in our non-demoninational church) and i love it. to live in fear or to have all those rules that aren't from the word of God is a horrible way to grow up. this makes me very thankful that the churches I have grown up in are NOT like that. I want to encourage you to continue to seek out a home church that preaches the word of God and is not limited by rules and regulations. and as my dad always says, "church is like icecream, some are chocolate, some are vanilla and some are those weird flavors like moosetracks, but there is a church out there for you and no one should feel guilty leaving a church and choosing to go to a different one." i know when we have had members tell us they were leaving whether it was b/c they were moving or just wanted a different style of worship, my dad always prayed for them to get established in a NEW church. He doesn't care if you are going to his church, just that you are going to A church. I hope this makes sense to you. my prayers are with you.