Wednesday, 03 October 2012
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Have You Ever Doubted Your Faith?
He was a street evangelist at Hemp Fest of all places.
"You do know that Satan's season will end?"
I smiled at those words, "Maybe, but it's been a long and very fun season."
That was less than six years ago. My new friends thought I was an agnostic. They knew I was no atheist, I made that clear. "Atheism is a religion of fools and those who play with words." But no signs of Christianity were to be found in my words, or my life.
Have I ever doubted my faith? No I cannot doubt something which I have seen and felt. But I was fully able to ignore what I knew to be true. To know what you want to do is wrong is a painful thing. To pray for strength and be rewarded with weakness is heartbreaking. Guilt is no fun, so I solved that issue by ignoring the source of that guilt. Ignoring it until the guilt went away. I took what I wanted and did what I was dreaming of, and I loved it.
It all fell apart in the end, but that is another story. All that changes nothing. I was no Christian (no fruit) for a long while. But my version of faith has never been a blind faith. It has always been backed up by something. Maybe that first day, when I needed to decide, on that day, there was a leap of faith to be made. But the jump was a short one and proof was there waiting for me. I once chose to ignore God, but never did I deny my own personal experiences.
So regarding the big question, of have I ever doubted my faith? No I have not, at least not on the big issue of whether the God I worship is real or not. But on almost every other issue, the smaller issues. I still have my doubts every day. Not all the things I believe have been proved to me. If something has not been proved to me, I operate on a degree of faith I can't say I am totally comfortable with.
So to the question of doubts, yes I have them, lots of them. The degree to which I have doubts all depends on the subject. I wish I were all knowing and totally confident, but I'm so far from it.Can you relate? Have you ever doubted your faith or lack of it? What can be done to have faith despite doubts?
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About the Author
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- From: trunthepaige@xanga
- Name: Paige
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- About Me: Just a girl. I am a contrary one, but beyond that I am not so unusual, if that is unusual at all. I grew up on a farm, only 35 miles outside of Seattle, closer to Tacoma. Tacoma a city I lived in for a while. I am now back at the farm, having fully succeeded in not following any of my parent’s advice. Sadly it was all very good advice I didn’t follow. So here I am, eating crow. Were did that saying “eating crow” come from?
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Comments (17)
I'm glad to see this post made it here. I like it, and I'm gonna keep to my first comment, left when you posted this on your site. Well, it's the first comment with a further observation...
Christian, agnostic, atheist, Christian. I
didn't believe in God, because God and I had different purposes. I
didn't want what God wanted for me, and I didn't see how I could fit
into God's call, so I kicked God to the curb. I'm glad to hear you had
fun, I may have had fun during my rebel years, but I can't remember
any. Christianity isn't exactly a party, but it sure beats what I had
before, or could have without God. I know what happens to me without
God, and it ends with sucking on a gun barrel.
I also get to laugh when agnostic/atheists call me closed minded. I could never have taken the kind of journey, from faith to atheism and back to faith, with a closed mind. No matter the hurts experienced at each stage of my sojourn I benefited from it all. I don't see Christians leaving their faith as always a bad thing. My first experience of Christ was a rigid, legalistic, demoralizing nightmare. It took many years for me to learn that on the other side of all the religious nonsense I would find a vibrant and freeing faith the second time around. No one should ever be the kind of "christian" I was the first time around, it'll make you suicidal. My entire first religious experience was all about failure, deepening self disgust, guilt, and the belief that God was growing to hate me. Whew, glad to be free of that pile of crap!
@Such_are_you@xanga - I love reading you, your honest, forthright and in no way closed minded.
peace
mark
Wonderful post. I have doubts about everything, but just as the idea of God can be absurd for me at times, no God is even more absurd. I my faith is deep, but yes I doubt.
peace
mark
Thanks, what you write feels totally honest and very familiar to me. I love this quote:
It is not as a child that I believe and confess Jesus Christ. My hosanna is born of a furnace of doubt.-- Fyodor Dostoyevski
I was a confirmed Christian and even went to a Christian school as a chile. I fell out of the faith at a VERY early age even before I was able to articulate it properly. I had serious doubts about the efficacy of prayer - through my own experimentation - and the truth about things in the bible that are supposed to be the unerring word of god. The more I learned - even while still attending a christian church only solidified my doubts. So some of these people who CLAIM to have gone from pragmatic and mathematical atheism to christianity are either 1) LYING (religious types are good at that because they are not interested in truth they are only interested usually for personal gain - in keeping the myth alive or 2) they have a serious mental defect distinguishing between reality and mythology.
@Captric@xanga - It must be nice the know the minds of others so very well
@god_stories@xanga - Thank you @markdohle - I understand that. The more arguments for atheism I have been exposed to the more ridiculous the idea of atheism being the default position is to me. Atheism is very hard to defend so hard they usually try to make themselves sound like agnostics.@Such_are_you@xanga - I love you
@trunthepaige@xanga - I love you too, lil' sis
@markdohle - You know it's funny I read your posts, and think, "Wow, I wish I could be like Mark." I am not joking at all. It always shocks me when people tell me they like my approach. I don't know how to do it any other way. I throw it all out there warts and all, because that's the way God received me. Though I do have fewer warts than I did 22 years ago, when I came to Christ, I see no reason to hide the rest of the warts if they are still there. How do we help each other along the way if you don't know what is keeping us down and holding us back? It isn't the truth which keeps people bound up, it's the secrets. I may put too much out there, but I never know. I really want people to be comfortable saying whatever is really going on.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Do I doubt my faith ? Nope, I've freely abandoned it, bye bye faith, be seein' ya !
And no, I'm not close-minded, I'm open-minded it's just - there's no sign of the big guy to fill it up. We is on our own.
Φ ≡
I've had doubts before, but I always learned and grew from them. I feel like my faith became better from those times.
Faith isn't easy. I don't think it's supposed to be easy. But wow, when you're able to grow from those times... it's amazing. :)Great post.
constantly. i honestly don't understand how anyone could not doubt at least every now and then.
I had serious doubts about my faith when I had a friend that was passing away due to heart failure years ago. To keep a long story short, prayer didn't help me at all, and asking for God for any answer or comfort just led to more confusion and hurt.
That's not to say I'm an atheist, however. I developed new beliefs, but certainly not in the god I believed in before. I took a religions of the world class in college, and regarding my faith, it was the best thing I could have ever done. It showed me other paths that I never knew of before, and now, I feel far more satisfied believing what I do now rather than in the "blind faith" that I followed when I was younger. Doubting my faith is what allowed me to find what I believe in now, and I'm very happy with that.
I think anyone who says they have never doubted either the existence of God or His goodness is a liar. People who spent time with Jesus doubted, as did people who saw God to miracles in Egypt, the desert, etc. How much advantage do they have over the typical brand new Christian?
But I will saw after years of research and experience, the doubt is basically gone for me. I say basically because though I can't remember the last time I doubted His goodness, which could have been months ago for all I know, I don't want to be disingenuous. Genuinely doubting His existence definitely has not happened for years for me.
I believe if you don't doubt your faith on occasion, it means you don't care enough or are not paying attention to begin with.
Faith for me often seems like blind willpower. Haha :) I often find myself at a point of "Do I truly believe there is a God?" I feel I tell myself he exists more than simply know & believe it. I have struggled with doubts since I first got saved, I feel. When I pause to think about it, I wonder if I will be one of the people the Lord will say "Depart from me, for I never knew you," once I stand before him when I die. And I can't figure out why. And that bothers me. I know he's real. I've seen so many answered prayers. There have been times where I have felt his comfort when I needed it. Yet I struggle... I wonder "Am I just telling myself this? Do I truly believe it? Lord, will I be sent away?"
So, I simply try to do my best. That's all God asks of me. I trust Him to be doing what's best for me, in the path of His Kingdom. I simply try to let my fears be what they are... Fears. And I try to move on, and seek answers when I need to. I hope to one day find complete and total peace. But until that day, I hope my journey and my lack of faith helps to point someone else towards Him. :) If someone like me can have faith, then trust me... Anyone can, I believe. :) Hehe. But yeah.
Keep the faith, even when it's a struggle,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
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