The Marriage Between Myself and God

Friday, 21 September 2012

The Marriage Between Myself and God
It's 3:05am. Why I'm starting a blog at this time of night I have no idea. Maybe I should introduce myself?

My name's Catriona -- Catt for short. I'm 20, from Scotland, love God, love people. I play guitar, write reviews, go to uni, make and produce radio and love my friends.

So I guess what brought me here was me being bored and discouraged one night. You know when you have symptoms of being ill but you don't know what it is so you Google it? Nobody? Just me? Okay so I googled how to be a single Christian; sue me! I just got out of a 5 month relationship with one of my friends, and it was a good 5 months but it made me realize exactly what I don't want and want in a man. Key word being man.

I think over the last few months I've been thinking about marriage a lot more than a normal 20 year old girl should, most likely because I think possibly nearly ten people I know have gotten married or engaged! A good few of them younger than I. What is a girl to do? At first I thought there was something I wasn't doing right. Had I not prayed hard enough? I didn't worship long enough? Was there something wrong with who I was? Could I change how I looked, would that attract 'The One'? It actually got me really down, I couldn't look myself in the eye because I thought I was a failure of a women for not doing what God wanted me to do. I thought if I tried harder I would find him. All I found was comparisons and disappointment.

My best friend just got engaged to the man of her dreams. At 17. You can imagine how I reacted. I was so happy for her! But -- yes there is that but -- I just burst into tears because I thought it would have been me. How selfish.

I've always said that God is my only love and that He and I had a closeness I didn't have with anyone else. How could I live by that, breathe by that if it wasn't true. I used to look at flying birds and sunsets and be able to feel God all around me. I used to see him in the smallest things. I understand that sounds so lame and sappy but bear with me here! The point I was making was I used to feel God all around me so vividly and only on the night I broke up with my ex of 5 months did I suddenly get a rush of God. That feeling is one I've felt so many times. On my knees, my heart racing, bent over because I'm unsure if I'm going to survive this. I suddenly and powerfully felt His arms around me. His spirit was suddenly struck alive inside me. It had been too long, I was overwhelmed by Him.

That Sunday in church I think I was just overwhelmed by God and how much He loved me. I strayed from Him but by Grace I'm covered and by Grace I'm set free! I sat and cried through most of church. I couldn't understand how in 5 months I grew so far from Him. I had lost all hope of doing what I wanted to do because people weren't recognizing it and putting me on stage for all to see. Again selfish I know. I'm working on it. During the altar call I began to sing out simple words I felt important to me and an older gentleman next to me turned to me at the end of the service and said he enjoyed sitting next to me because of my singing. It was exactly what I needed to hear! I hadn't made an impact on someone in a long time! To do it without noticing is what I aim for.

So now my next steps are getting back that peace with God that in HIS timing my life will be and is perfect, having his presence around me all of the time, writing songs of worship again and not being obsessed with 'The One' culture Christians have in our generation. It's like if you're single and over 18 you should be dating the one and getting married by 20. It doesn't work! It's a lot of pressure and I don't like it! I want to pass uni, become a Lecturer, have a car, have a flat, you know I want to live on my own again, I want to feel free in Christ to do what I want.

I want my marriage between God and I to be perfect before I start thinking about a marriage on Earth.

Who's with me?

If you are unmarried, do you struggle with the fact that you haven't been married yet? Do you tend to focus on searching for a husband or wife before searching for a deeper relationship with God? How can those who are single stay focused on God and have hope that God's timing is perfect?