Yesterday, I had the privilege to attend the wedding of two of my best friends. They are a wonderful, Christ-loving couple and I am excited to see where they will go together.
I sat at the reception with my freshman year R.A. (now married), my English mentor (also married since I've known him), their spouses, and my roommates.
I logged onto Facebook this morning and saw that yesterday was also the wedding of one of my brother's best friends from high school, whose twin sister is now married with a beautiful baby girl, and a girl we used to go to church with.
Later a classmate of mine and her boyfriend who I've had a couple of classes with became engaged.
One of my first friends from college is engaged, my roommate's little sister got married in July, my sophomore year growth group leader is married, my babysitter and friend from childhood is married -- with a baby and one on the way. Two of my classmates got married this summer, two of my other best friends got married over a year ago now, most of the girls I knew who were in college when I was in high school are married, most with children.
One of my colleagues from a former job just got engaged, a hallmate of mine from freshman year just got married, her husband's brother just married a girl from my school -- and they're already pregnant -- and a freshman (now sophomore) who became a good friend of mine in a class last year is engaged now.
See a theme? I'm a little overwhelmed with marriages and engagements and babies. If you know me at all then you'll know that while I am the poster-child of boy-craziness, I am not looking to be jumping into any huge commitments any time soon. I've always been of the mind that I wouldn't even think about marriage until my late twenties, and children wouldn't be on the table until my thirties.
Since coming to a Christian college -- where a good number of the girls are looking for a ring by spring and getting their M.R.S. degrees -- that age for thinking about marriage has lowered to about 25. There was a brief period of time where I even thought, "I could be engaged by the time I graduate." Thankfully for my peace of mind that thought dissipated quickly.
First, you must understand that I am so happy for all of the people in my life and the blessings that their relationships have been to them. That they have found love young and have an opportunity to love each other longer is a marvelous thing to me. However, the culture that surrounds Christian schools and getting married in your late teens or early twenties really isn't for me, and there are some important reasons for that:
- I enjoy dating casually. If I dated one guy one Friday and a different one the next I would be happy, and I would not consider it to be cheating. It takes a lot for me to step up to the commitment plate, so you can be sure that I'm not going to promise myself to one guy for any length of time if I'm not sure that we are well-suited for each other.
- Perhaps the most important point, I still have very few concrete plans for my future other than going to grad school. If I were to enter a serious relationship with the possibility of marriage on the table right now I would always be worried that I was shaping my life to fit his instead of living my own life. If God threw my "perfect" man at me in the next six-twelve months I would probably have a very hard time committing myself to him. It's a control issue that I am well aware of, but at the same time I also think that it is good that I know my identity would be in jeopardy if I were in a serious relationship right now.
- Love is hard for me and you can read some of my past blogs on that. I can't say for sure that I've ever really love any of my boyfriends. I think one might have come close, but even now I am unsure in retrospect. I have a tendency to bolt when I feel like a guy is getting too close, so really it would be nearly impossible for me to become engaged any time soon.
Those are my personal reasons for not being able to really enter into a relationship with the intention to marry. Yet, I was still dragged into this culture of marriage straight out of college and questioning my values and limits. That was really not good, and for a long time it had me pretty depressed because I felt like I was broken because I wasn't like the girls who were ready for marriage so young.
Truthfully though, it was the mentality that pervades campuses like this that was broken. Not me. It is dangerous for girls to come into an enclosed environment like college expecting to come out with a husband. It can lead to unhealthy, forced relationships and settling because the girls get desperate to be like the rest of their classmates. I don't think that this is the case with anyone that I know personally, but I have observed it from a distance. Worse still, I have observed the struggles that come in the aftermath of a broken relationship.
This blog is really more for me than other people this time. I needed to verbally express where I stand on relationships, but at the same time I would like to let other college-age girls know that it is okay if you aren't ready to be married by 21. There is nothing wrong with you. God doesn't love you less. You are not broken. Do things at your own pace -- really God's pace if you are more capable than I am -- and don't give into the pressure.
Do you feel like there is pressure in your life to be engaged, married or with children at a young age? Why or why not? If you're married, did you get married younger or older? How do you feel this impacts your married life? If you married young, do you sometimes wish you had waited longer? If you married older, do you wish you had been married younger?
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Comments (15)
college expecting to come out with a husband. It can lead to unhealthy,
forced relationships and settling because the girls get desperate to be
like the rest of their classmates.
Very well said. I seen this pressure in churches all my life. When I went to church. It's even harder when Christian women want to "make love" and fall in love but they are forced into abstinence. People need to stay out of other peoples sex lives. Talk is cheap and words mean very little (7%) in the light of actions.
i feel the pressure of getting married. am only 20. I can honestly say that I love a guy and he is my best friend. we talked about marriage, and he said he could picture marrying me at like 30+ then again, we are just friends and never anywhere near a serious relationship or marriage. I do struggle with guarding my heart (the wellspring of life/life flows from it) proverbs 4:23 and feel as though i want to settle just for fear of never getting married (and waiting till marriage for sex- so the fear of never having sex- aka God's AMAZING gift that i'd love to be blessed with in the right context of husband and wife) so i struggle with all of these things.
i pray that God will lead me and that I will be completely 100% in love with God and that God will bless me with a wonderful man to marry that is also 100% in love with the Lord. And i also pray for God's beautiful grace and patience to live my life out the way he wants me to- not the way i fantasize in my mind.
i would appreciate your prayers & will also be praying for you,
god bless you,sarah
When I was in college, I attended Intervarsity for awhile. And there was soooo much talk about getting married, and how you shouldn't date unless it was serious. It was so annoying!
I'm nearly 30 and I still don't want to get married. I want to date, and I want to have a boyfriend, but I don't want to get married for a very long time. I've fallen in love many times, and it's often been disastrous. I've had my heart broken more times than I can count. But I'm really none the worse for it. You always heal eventually. I guess I'm one of those really intense, emotional roller-coaster types. I wouldn't want to have found the love of my life at 18 and married him at 19. That's just not me at all. If I do get married, I want it to be with someone who's as intense as I am.
I recently realized how NOT ready I am, and I am recently single. I've been in two serious, long relationships back to back. I need time now.
However, I feel no pressure to get married. I never have. Actually, my entire youth, the message that was shoved down my throat by the church was that boyfriends are bad and college is good and you shouldn't get married until you are in your thirties. Seriously, because Paul was celibate, the popular thing to do was act like you never want to get married and God likes you more if you're single. Because having a partner "distracts" you from God (Not sure how casual sex and self-glorification was supposed to be superior).
That church was like a cult.
I'm still intrigued that the general consensus about church/pressure to marry is quite opposite from my experience.
@Manic_Butterflies@xanga - I think it has a lot to do with Midwest evangelical culture. In the more liberal area where I grew up I never heard a word about a girl getting married before she was in her mid to late twenties unless she was pregnant or doing it to spite her parents. All of a sudden I came to this little Christian college in Indiana and everyone (and I pretty much mean everyone) was all like "Marriage! Let's do it now! We're 19! This is a great idea!" And at first I was like, "What the heck is wrong with you people?" but after a while it just wore me down.
Being surrounded by girls who are all making wedding plans (for real or imaginary weddings) and people who assume that you want what they want because it is clearly what God wants does things to your mind. It's a little bit like Stockholm Syndrome. I was in counseling for a year because I felt like something was wrong with me for not being the model of a perfect Christian housewife, and all they ever told me to do was pray about it. So, I did and nothing happened for a really long time, but then I started meeting other girls who felt the same way that I did. Turns out there were quite a few of us who had either been pushed to the brink of depression or nearly advanced terrible relationships because of the pressure we felt.
In a way I am glad that you never had to go through anything like that, though I think that the complete opposite mindset that you encountered is just as bad.
This post made more sense to me than anything I've ever written. I was raised in a church that believed you'd get to the top level of heaven once you were married, along with many other works. Everybody wanted to get married as soon as possible, and this influenced my first marriage, which turned out to be fraught with violence and fear. I actually had pressure from my mother and grandmother because by the age of 21 I wasn't married. So I think it makes perfect sense to take your time, make sure you really want to live with this person, and I say live with in the same sense as marry, because it can be sticky getting out of living arrangements. Live your life to the fullest, and if the right person comes along, perhaps you'll recognize it. As far as Paul's teachings, I think we got most of the wrong, when we look into Greek. And, Paul never spent a day, as far as I can tell, working with Christ, and if I've offended non- Christians I'm sorry. I don't ever mean to. It's just what my existence was growing up. I am grateful for number 2 husband, of 24 years this month. He's treated me and my children wonderfully, not without problems mind you, but all in all, wonderfully. Revel in you single hood, grow in mind and spirit, and if you never marry, there's nothing wrong with that. And if you have sexual encounters, that's just part of life as well.
@BeoKOTOR@xanga - That sounds very difficult. I'm sorry you were that deeply affected by it. I'm feeling like I've done everything backwards...all I wanted since I was 12 was to marry my boyfriend. Now I'm finishing college and I finally want to be independent for a few years. I wish I had had more fun as a teenager. I suppose being tied down to one guy kept me out of potential trouble, but I wish I could go tell me old self not to sacrifice so much just to force a relationship to work for almost 5 years. And then again for 2 years.
THANKYOU for sharing this much needed feeling...
Listen - been through 3 marriages;
1st was similar to what you've shared, didn't want to be left out, jumped in way WAY too fast...10 yrs & results were dreadful...
2nd even worse as to a athiest...15 yrs, results nearly cost me my life...
3rd was EXCELLENT, as was under God's direction, yet, he was called home after just 3 yrs.
Please everyone, follow the specific path that Jesus Christ is leading you down...do not waiver to the left or right, if He says 'Jump', you say: 'How high Lord, How high ?'
In my grief He blessed me with something from 'Helen Steiner Rice':
THE BEND IN THE ROAD...sometimes we come to life's crossroads & we view what we think is the end. But God has a much wider vision & He knows it's only a BEND... The road will go on & get smoother & after we've stopped for a rest, the path that lies hidden beyond us is often the path that is best..!. So rest, relax & grow stronger. Let go & let God share your load - have faith in a brighter tomorrow, as you've just come, to 'a bend, in the road !'
Prayers for you & I can guarantee you will be rewarded for such diligence in serving our Lord.
I am 25 and have been married for a little over 4 1/2 years now. A lot of girls I went to High School with were getting married and some even had kids. I guess not realizing it at the time but I guess I was just going with the crowd. I do sometimes wish I waited a little longer but that is not because I regret marrying my husband. It's because I had no idea what marriage was really about. I was only 20 and my husband just turned 20 when we got married, that is pretty young. I'm a Psychology student and after learning about the development of children and adulthood, individuals ages 18-25 need that time to "find" themselves. I know it sounds silly but it's true, I have learned that the hard way. I am lucky that I have such a great husband and we were able to survive some rough patches in the beginning of our marriage. But most couples have babies right away thinking that will keep their spouse around when they have trouble. So my advice to those that marry young is DO NOT have children right away. The first year of marriage is always the toughest they say and a couple needs time to really enjoy each other and fix any complications that might arise. it takes a lot of strength to pull through problems together and having a baby around will make it tougher. I have seen so many couples end in divorce or breaking up because they have kids and they weren't ready. We are planning to have children probably in a couple years. Many friends and family are wondering where the kids are and we say we don't want them yet because we just want to be together and enjoy it. People look at us like we are crazy! I do feel the pressure with having kids sometimes though because I live in a area that has babies everywhere it seems. But I know we aren't ready so I'm not putting myself through that right now.
Thank you SO SO SO much. You would not believe how much this has helped me. I struggle immensely with my womanhood because what Christians say I am "supposed to be" is completely opposite of the trajectory that god has put me on. I am "supposed to be" in love with a man, and get married to him, then bear and raise children, and be completely happy about this and remain silent, never questioning my husband's complete authority over my life. There are a certain number of problems with this:
1. there has never really been a guy I was even remotely interested in. (I have had a boyfriend, however, it was because I admired that he asked me...and then I settled. Pretty unhealthy relationship.)
2. I don't like little kids. If they can't communicate and I have to wipe excrement off of them, it just doesn't work. Toddlers are adorable...as long as I can give them back to their parents when something goes wrong. Infants don't even have that going for them.
3. Even if I did like little kids, I have absolutely no desire to make them. I don't like the act that conceives them, I don't like the thought of a person living inside me, and I don't like the idea of pushing that person OUT. (Although natural motherhood seems very...unappealing, I would maybe one day consider adopting an older kid)
4. God did not make me to be silent. I have found my calling...in law, activism, and advocacy...not in the MRS degree or the baby that I am told I ought to want.
I too feel like there is something wrong with me. I have a hard time even making friends, much less finding the man I want to spend my entire life with. I float along, very rarely making any deep connections with anyone (though, there have been a couple), and yet I am told that my world should revolve around relationships. (because I am female) I am supposed to have a man, and I don't, and while it would be nice for someone to hold me once in a while, it is possible to find that elsewhere and not have to use a man to get it. (I say "use" because at this point, that is exactly what it would be.) I cannot tell you how many times I've just sat and prayed, crying because he made me wrong. I am painfully lonely, but when it comes down to it, I am actually not at all interested in a romantic relationship. I want true friendships, but that is about all.
I guess this might not really go with your post much, but it connects in my brain. I thought that the fact that I didn't feel called to any of that made me feel like less of a woman. It made me feel like God, for whatever reason was punishing me by forcing the life that a Christian woman is "supposed" to have and want on me. It seemed like a torturous fate, and threw my life into crisis. My faith in God was wavering, and had nearly bottomed out (not belief, but trust, especially in his goodness). Any hope I had was practically crushed. I lamented about the fact that God had given me this body. I had done this many times before, because I dislike its appearance, but this time it was because of the genitalia, because that is what was going to stop me from being able to have the career I was spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on. It is what was going to make me a slave to any man who wanted something, whether it be emotionally, spiritually, physically, sexually, or otherwise. I had a revelation today, though. After nine months of struggling, I found my missing piece. I was looking at it all wrong. I thought my biology had somehow robbed me of free-will, but it hasn't. I am still a human being, and like some men are called to be soldiers, some construction workers, mechanics, business men, etc., women have different callings too. I don't know why exactly Paul thinks we can't lead, and I don't know why my church has no place for us (especially since, at least on my Christian campus, the ratio og men to women is about 1:2), but I know that while many are called to the life of wife and mother, but some of us are called to careers. Some are called to be followers, and others leaders. Some of us are called to be like Sarah, and others are called to be more like Deborah, and I fully believe that I am in the latter group, and there is nothing wrong with that, in fact, it is a good thing.
So, I'm pretty sure I just reiterated everything you said in a different context, but yes...anyways, thank you for writing this!
I went to a school that was coined "The shoe factory, where you come in to fix your sole and come out in pairs." so I can relate. While I can agree that there is nothing wrong with a person who goes unmarried for however many years I must say that marrying young has more benefits than having to wait until you're older. Biblically, even, it makes sense because it is made very clear that leading a single life of sexual immorality (yes, its a sin even if its just your thought life) can be prevented through marriage. Young Adults, especially in this day and age, are more prone to struggle with lust.
If I was the only one who had a say in the matter I'd love to be married already (I'm 22) but that's just not up to me. Its not what God has in store for my life at the moment. I need to learn to glorify Him as a single person, and through the help of the Holy Spirit aim to put off the ways of the flesh and put on the new self.
But I greatly appreciated this post because I often feel like I am less of a female, less of a person, less of a Christian for not being deemed marriageable by a man. That isn't the case because our value isn't in whether we are married or not, its in Jesus Christ and what he has done on the cross for us, and more importantly how God can use us because of what Christ has done on the cross. Thanks for sharing!
Well I am glad you said this... maybe some ladies will be left by the time I get to them
I have had a hard time because most women are conditioned to a checklist...... Good looking (only some would check this), Good Job (check), certain future (no), Funny (check), Confident (check), Christian (yes, no, and maybe) I back up my views but it is not worth the effort of most women to check to see if I have a point... like my post on "only begotten Son"
@jessicasutopia@xanga - I'm glad that my post helped you. I don't personally agree that marriage is a good way to stop yourself from sinning in your thought life though. I know quite a few married Christian women who lust just as much as any other 20-something year old. They want Ryan Renolds for his body just as much as any of my unmarried friends do. If you really have a problem with lust then just marrying someone to get out the sexual tension isn't going to completely dissolve the problem. Sin goes deeper than that, and using marriage as a way to avoid sin (whether it be in your physical or thought life) is dangerous.
I agree that people can be just as sinful in their sexual lives when they are married as when they are unmarried. I am by no means suggesting that we can use our singleness as an excuse for sinning, nor that marriage is the solution for sin (Jesus alone does that)! I mean just that for SOME marriage can be that solution in that aspect of their faith journey.
Specifically, Paul says in his first letter to the Corinthians "it is better to marry than to burn with passion." Paul, as a single man, was greatly blessed to not have the struggle that a lot of people do. He even seems to goes so far as to say that it is BEST to be single and sinless (in regards to sexual sin) but that it is only a gift that some are blessed with (7:7). The entire chapter shares a lot of wisdom in regards to the roles Christians should take both in single-ness and the married life.
Praise God Almighty that He has covered His people by the blood of Jesus and promises to sanctify us through the work of His Holy Spirit within us. No matter what boat we're in --single or married-- God alone can cleanse us of our sinfulness and gradually make us more and more like His perfect Son until that great day when we will be given a new and sin-free frame!