Wednesday, 08 August 2012
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Certified Survivor: Facing Circumstances and Overcoming Them
1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." Just an hour ago, someone was nagging on me, telling me to get out of the house, get married and just get lost because he is irritated with my presence. We still don't have a smooth relationship. It is the usual thing that happens every time my father gets drunk. He talks like he is not my father and I am not his daughter. He claimed that he hates me because I don't recognized him as my father. That's partly true; I never talk to him because I am not used to it even before. That made him jealous with my mom who has a close relationship with me.
I used to control my emotion, never argue with him because it will never bring good to me, to him and to everyone in the house, but I ended up losing my temper and bursting in crying and shouting back at him.
But a while ago, during his unreasonable nagging at me, I gave my best effort to ignore him as my mom advised me and as I depend on what the scriptures tell us about self-control and survived against that evil's attack. For that I am a certified survivor. I thanked God for the self-control.
When have you had to face a difficult circumstance? Did you survive or did you falter? What can we do to keep having hope during the daily struggles we have?
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- From: bestchoicemayonnaise
- Name: bestchoicemayonnaise
- About Me: loud in the inside but shy in the outside
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Comments (16)
King David is a great role model. He didn't have a resentful bone in this body.
I'm sorry for your circumstances that sounds ridiculously difficult! As I read the Bible there's encouragement to not be offended by God (who after all is the ultimate authority). Jesus said that Pontius Pilot only had authority from above and like your father (and mine too...and me as I'm a father) have authority from above...and offer injustice.
Lots of people in the Bible experienced injustice at the hands of God (or His agents in authority) and were offended by it. So if you're tempted to be offended by your father, you're in good company. Guys like Peter, John the Baptist, Elijah, Jonah...and many others. And I only mention them to encourage you to experience fully what you're experiencing in the moment (both those that you feel resourced to offer grace, which comes from God, and those moments when you're not)...you will not find any life by condemning yourself, forgiveness and freedom are available in every moment (before, during, and after relational conflict).
I experienced emotional and verbal abuse from my father and painful manipulation by my mother. Then all kinds of abuse in a marriage that ended in divorce. I experienced God's grace in ways that was miraculous and surprising. I remember one moment in which my ex-wife was in my face yelling and as I prayed in my head replied with a comment filled with such grace that it caused her head to snap back like she'd been slapped. And there's lots of other moments when I was toe-to-toe with her. And God used it all (as He does in every day) to make me the man I am today.
One last thought...conflict is not sinful. Standing uprightly in the face of injustice...even with emotional force...I'm learning is what I'm called to do as a boundaried human being. God bless you as you navigate messy human relationships...and ALL relationships are messy!
Remember that God has a wonderful way of turning negatives into positives.
Be thankful for the tests of life.
James 1 NIV
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,a]'>[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, F)'>3 because you know that the testing of your faith G)'>produces perseverance. H)'>4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature I)'>and complete, not lacking anything.
12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial T)'>because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life U)'>that the Lord has promised to those who love him. V)'>
I know it, I know it
His blood has set me free
I've been delivered forgiven
Fear has got no hold on me
I'm set apart not livin' life my own way
No holding back 'till I see Him face to face because I know it
Oh yes, I know it, I know it
The blood of Jesus has set me free
There is healing in the name of Jesus
Salvation in the name of Jesus
Forgiveness in the name of Jesus
I've never know it like I know it today
There is power in the name of Jesus
Fullness of joy I've found in Jesus
Strength in the name of Jesus
I know it, I know it
Oh, I've got to tell you that...
Is he your real father or your stepfather?
What caused the distance between you two?
How can you close the gap?
If he is distant and verbally abusive only when drunk, then avoid contact/conflict with him when drunk.
You cannot control the alcohol. Perhaps he is frustrated about his
inability to have a close relationship with you, and is jealous because
you do have a close relationship with your Mom.
Take the lead here and be a loving daughter. Spend time with him. Show interest in him or some of his hobbies, ask about his childhood, start a dialogue.
You say you "never talk to him because you are not used to it from before". Well why would you expect him to act like a warm fuzzy teddy bear if you treat him like that? Make an effort. Reach out. If he can't or won't come to where you are, go to where he is.
Why do you expect him to come to you and do all the work? Figure out what makes him tick and do the little things he appreciates. If he is close to your mother, go to her, ask what it is he likes? A little note in his lunchbox saying "I'm glad you are my Dad", a little note near his plate at breakfast that says "I'm proud to be your daughter". Stopping in and watching him at his bowling league, showing an interest in him fixing the car.
Feelings follow actions. Even if you are not proud he is your father or too happy to be his daughter, assume the role for a while. Soon, the feelings will follow, and you will be far better off than you are now. All I see in your post is, "woe is me, it's all about me."
So take the lead. Fix it. You may be setting yourself up for a lifetime relationship with your Dad that is not parent/child but adult friends.
Effort is a two-way street.
My father was a rageholic, and controlled the family through fear. He still manages to get under my skin at the ripe old age of 90. When your father is drinking, can you leave the house? Go for a walk, browse stores, the library, etc.? It is not healthy to stay around this behavior, and it is not wise to simply try to ignore it, and let him walk all over you. He is an alcoholic, and the worst influence has been your mother, who has chosen to sacrifice the children and stay, for whatever reasons. The most influential person in our lives is our same sex parent, and your chances of marrying someone like your father are extremely high. I strongly suggest Al Anon groups for families. Doing things to try to please him will only set you up for future failure, because, it sounds as though you can change his behavior by doing nice little things while he's sober. Huge red flag for women married to addicts, and I strongly disagree with this logic.
Yes to KING DAVID...yes & Amen !
Listen, you're doing precisely what you should, that's seek the Lord, no matter what...!
Also, as a recovering alcoholic, please take this warning not only for your Dad & for yourself & others...Moderate Alcohol consumption can/may easily lead to one of the many well known illness:
-Grand Mal Seizures (was mine & my late hubby's)
-Heart Attack/condition (was hit with severe heart murmur)
-Severe deafness (was my ex-husbands)
-Severe flindness (see Mary Tyler Moores website)
To manage this & anything else in this wretched world, strongly recommend Bible study on Revelation, as it's rapidly happening...cherish the coming Rapture...!
May God's constant reasurrance be with YOU always...& blessings.
My apologies...
-Severe BLINDNESS (Mary Tyler Moore)...
(fleeting through without spell checking)
@SheilaJoyce - Checked around, not sure where you got the idea that alcoholism caused Mary Tyler Moore's blindness but it didn't, she has Juvenile Diabetes and blindness is one of the most common complications from Juvenile Diabetes.
Yes...MTM's diabetes indeed part & parcel, however, her Grand Mal Seizures, from moderate daily alcohol, primarly & following in conjunction with.
This information I based on HER own reply to my personal trial/sharing...
Thankyou though, for your diligence...very rare now a days...many thanks !
I was inspired today when I read your posting.
Living and dealing with alcoholism in families is very hard and if your dad is under the influence, he may not even be fully aware of how his drinking is affecting you and your mom and is in denial of his problem when he's sober. I grew up in a family where alcoholism eventually took the lives of 3 of my 6 siblings and father. It is an aweful disease and my best advice to you is to stay strong and don't let what is going on with your dad or family influence the person you want to become and the example you want to be for your own family some day. Each of us has the power through Christ to reach our full potential that God has created us to be, by overcoming physical, emotional, and genetic obstacles.
God bless!
I can't imagine how you manage to hold onto your faith in christianity every day. Living with an alcoholic christian father and later an abusive christian husband (and horrible experiences with church) completely killed mine. I only saw negativity and pain in it.
That you have somehow turned it into something positive and drawn strength from it is truly amazing to me. I hope it continues to be a force for good in your life.
@Ork58@xanga - It sounds as if you are blaming the OP for the actions of her stepfather. It seems more to me as if she has been intimidated by years of angry, drunken behavior by him and is looking to avoid him until she can afford to move out. I was in that position myself, though with my biological parent. Making the OP responsible for making every effort to fix this relationship is wrong and unfair. The parent (or step-parent) is the adult and the one with all the power, it is therefore up to him to try and repair the damage HE has done.
stay strong <3
videotape him when he is ranting and show him the video. Alateen is very helpful..there are online support groups. No one deserves to be treated in this way. Learn how to PREVENT looking for a similar alcoholic or scornful life partner.AND you don't begin drinking yourself.. Good luck, dear. The world is not all like your father when he is on a binge.
Things can get better, but your father continues to drink. How very sad. ..how old are you?
His behavior sucks.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/alateen-literature