Monday, 06 August 2012
I think one of the most difficult aspects of my inner life that I still struggle with and often fail to deal with creatively, or with true faith, are the seasons of inner chaos. It can at times seem to be like a man holding onto a log, in a stormy sea; that is being thrown up and down and sideways and at times is overcome by a wave.
I suppose I do better than when I was younger, though it does not feel that way when going through it. I know that this is a common human experience and that actually helps for me to understand that. It is good to know that I fit within the normal range of human experience, perhaps insipidly so.
I also have learned that the storms subside and calm returns. Anxiety can cause the disturbance, or anger, then of course there is lust, and the waves can get very high at that time. Yet deeper than the storm and the waves and my hanging on, there is something deeper that is causing this energy release. I think that my inner images give me a clue of what this is and it is not always comfortable to contemplate. Nothing that I do to elevate this inner storm works, it has to wear itself out, or work itself out, not sure about that at this time of my life, and may never understand.
I have learned, slowly, very, very, slowly, that to just be able to observe (holding on to the log) is something good and worth developing further. After all, here I am 64 years of age, well almost and I have still not drowned, or exploded into a million pieces. I also believe that holding on to that log while in the inner storm is an act of faith in something more than me.
I also have learned that as the inner observer of my life, I am also being watched, held and uplifted by a greater presence that sees deeper than I do. In fact sees all the inner crap, high waves and also what lies beneath, in the deeper caverns that I only get small glimpses of. It is like having my own inner horror movie; I am just not terrified any more. Perhaps weary is the right word for it. I find it a comfort to know that all is seen, known, and understood. Even those parts of me that I am most ashamed of and fear to show others, for fear of being judged, boxed and shelved and put away in some dark place, never to be truly seen again, ever -- a death sentence from those around me.
No, that which sees me; sees to the bottom, and perhaps in me, as in all humans, there is in reality no foundation, we go down forever, connected to everyone and to all the light and darkness that I believe most of us carry. I say most, because there are always exceptions out there, though I have found known.
Buried beneath the waves
Jesus walked on the stormy sea,
Peter stepped out onto the waves,
he moved towards the Lord
until he looked at himself,
and began to sink,
“Lord save me” he cried,One day perhaps I will let go in faith of that log,
“O you of little faith: Jesus replied,
and reached out and lifted him up.
not sure what that means,
or how it is done,
that is the work of grace,
at work in ways beyond comprehension,
bringing us to a place
that eye has not seen,
though much sorrow and pain
is each human path,
yet all is seen,
there is nothing to fear,
though be afraid we will be.
There is no easy path,
the struggle is a part of our lives,
hidden reasons buried beneath the waves.What inner storms are you facing today? What steps are you taking to fight those internal battles?