Wednesday, 23 May 2012
By Tom Zuniga
I like lists. Lists keep the world in order. Lists tell us what’s the best of the best and the worst of the worst and the medicorest of the mediocre.
Top-10 lists are cute, but cliché. That’s why I do top-11 lists. They’re less cute, yes, but also less cliché, which also means more original. Also, I greatly worry what people think of me; I’ll trade cute for non-cliché.
I love books, though I’m certain I don’t read nearly enough. There’s just too many great books out there I’ve yet to tap into. So here now is my top-11 list of books I’ve never read. I hear they’re all pretty great — or, you know, maybe they’re not.
#11. Breaking Dawn – It’s actually quite sad that, yes, I have read the first three books of the “epic” Twilight “saga.” Do Edward and Bella get married? Does the fetus eat Bella from the inside out? Does Jacob just give up on clothing forever? You’ll be up long after “eclipsing” the final page, though from awestruck wonder or irrevocable regret is entirely up to you.
#10. The Kite Runner – The story of a lonely kite who runs away from his evil step-kite-parents’ home in the clouds. How exactly the kite runs across the sky without any legs is a startling revelation. This book’s, like, internationally renown, y’all.
#9. A Tale of Two Cities – A fascinating cross-examination of Los Angeles and Anaheim and how these two cities possess far too many sports teams for being just 30 minutes apart — well, 90 with traffic.
#8. Gone with the Wind – Where did it go? The last page will leave you breathless. Or should I say windless?
#7. The DaVinci Code – Tom Hanks has a horrible haircut and stares at paintings and runs the streets of Italy. Only in book-form.
#6. The Dark Tower – This never-ending series has absorbed years of my life. When Roland and Company finally reach that foreboding tower, they realize the light bulb just needed to be turned a tad to the right. Boom — Dark Tower, dark no more. Problem solved, series complete, and another million bucks for Stephen King.
#5. Mockingjay – Katniss and that bread guy are actually long lost twins from District 16, and when they get married they bear several incestuous mutant children with three arms. People often declare this their least favorite of the Hunger Games series, but I’m all for dark storytelling.
#4. To Kill a Mockingbird – They can’t do it; the rebels of Panem need the Mockingbird.
#3. The Lord of the Rings series – Imagine the epic adventures you get when you combine a fat guy with curly hair, a dude who was transformed into a hideous form, and Dominic Monahan. Wait, am I talking about LOTR or LOST?
#2. The Hobbit – Kinda like LOTR, except with less extraneous hot elves.
#1. The Harry Potter series – I enjoyed the movies, despite never grasping the “rules” of magic or any of the plot lines really. Oh my gosh, guys, THE ENDING. The dude with no nose loses all his powers and takes a job at Petsmart (snakes department) while Harry, Ron, and Hermione play dress-up and pretend to have wizard kids of their own. So presh.
What’s the best book you’ve never read?