Wednesday, 04 April 2012
This morning I read in my copy of Timothy Keller's The Reason for God:
"All sins are attempts to fill voids," wrote Simone Weil. Because we cannot stand the God-shaped hole inside of us, we try stuffing it full of all sorts of things, but only God may fill it.
This struck a chord with me. It describes exactly how I've been feeling lately and I couldn't have said it better. For a long time I haven't had the words to describe how I felt, but suddenly this is it.
I'm not proud of turning away from God instead of listening to only Him, but I have definitely been trying to self-medicate. I've been trying to fix myself using the help from things of the world, not His things and His wisdom. I've been filling my voids with
- buying music that is not for worship because listening to these lyrics somehow make me feel comforted more than reading words from the Bible
- watching YouTube videos because they are works of art and some just take my mind off of my own problems for a few minutes at least
- reading YA fiction because fiction is better than reality
- watching movies because they tell a story and for two hours or so I'd like to get absorbed into someone else's struggles
- reading blog posts
- obsessively checking my Twitter feed
- reading articles I can find online
- eating snacks and junk food because it gives me something to do so I can delay whatever I'm "supposed" to be working on
- daydreaming of what life would be like once I meet "the One"
There's probably more that I'm missing, but you get the idea. I know relying solely on Him is best for me, but it's like I do everything I can to make myself feel better because I'm afraid of what it means if I really truly do what He wants me to do. He can comfort me of course, but I keep avoiding Him. Only He can fill my voids, but I fill it my own way.
How about you? Do you attempt to fill your voids your own way instead of with God?