Something I'm noticing more and more is just how much Christians idolize marriage. Almost every time I get together with other Christians, the topic of marriage comes up. Even in my church's prayer meeting, we pray that single people would find spouses. All the young singles want to get married, have kids, etc.
With girls it's worse. They watch marriage proposal videos, have their wedding day all planned out in advance, but as soon as you mention the word "celibacy", they get scared and don't want that gift -- they consider it a curse instead. If you pray for someone to find a spouse, they will probably thank you, but no one really prays for contentedness in case they are called for lifelong celibacy. They would probably be offended if you prayed that over them.
I used to be like that too. Why would anyone want the "gift" of celibacy? To be unmarried forever -- it sounds horribly lonely and such an unattractive fate. It would make you feel like a loser if all your friends are getting married, but you were the only one alone, right?
But these days I've been thinking more about the eternal perspective, and realized that yes, celibacy truly is a gift. Why? Think about it this way:
if God is the most beautiful, most wonderful being in the universe, we should want to spend the most time we can with Him, right? Getting married and having kids -- these are good things, but they're not the best things. They are gifts, but they're not better than the Giver of those gifts. And these gifts can and most likely will distract us from God, the Most Beautiful. Paul said that married wo/men have their interest divided, since they have another relationship to worry about (1 Corinthians 7:33-34). I'm not saying getting married is a bad thing or that being celibate is "holier." But the truth is, if you are single, you probably will have more time for God than when you are tied down to a family. I've talked to married Christians with children and it seems that it definitely holds you back from fully serving God sometimes. For example, if you have small children, you will probably be more hesitant about going to certain countries for missions work -- or missions at all -- than if you are single or just married.
Another thing to think about: Jesus Himself said that marriage doesn't last forever (Matthew 22:30) and that we need to "seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness..." (Matthew 6:33) and to "store up treasures in Heaven" (Matthew 6:20). Our first priority should be loving God, whether we are single or married, whether God chooses to give us a spouse or not. We need to think and live more for eternal things, not earthly things that are passing away.
And if He does for some reason decide not to give you a spouse, will you accept His will for your life? Or will you become bitter and angry against the One who knows and loves you? Remember that we don't actually deserve the blessings that God continually pour over us. God doesn't owe you a spouse.
Marriage is not the most important relationship in life. It's a beautiful and sacred gift from God, yes, but it doesn't last forever, and it will never satisfy you the way that only our Father can. He will never forsake you or betray you, never divorce you or cheat on you. Let's stop idolizing marriage and fall in love with God everyday.
What do you think about the celibate life? Have you or someone you've known been called to a celibate life? Do we place too much value on relationships and marriage?
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Comments (40)
It takes special people to be married, especially special men. A naturally voracious sexual appetite is a constant challenge for men from puberty til the day they die. So men who can be faithful and women who know how to satisfy their men are incredible indeed.
I think celibacy should get more press, too.
"If God is the most beautiful, most wonderful being in the universe, we should want to spend the most time we can with Him, right? Getting married and having kids -- these are good things, but they're not the best things. They are gifts, but they're not better than the Giver of those gifts. And these gifts can and most likely will distract us from God, the Most Beautiful."
And now you understand why the tradition of vowed celibacy has been so long-standing in the Church among religious orders. For women who become a sister or a nun they become Brides of Christ; my best friend--a former Xangan to boot--entered a convent in 2010 in fact. When a young woman falls so totally in love with Christ as she has and as many young women I have met in the last few years have, their heart is not satisfied with anyone less than Jesus Christ. For men, at least for myself, they become so filled with a desire to serve Jesus Christ they want to literally give their lives for Him and for His Bride, the Church. They lay down everything (Mt. 19:28-29) and give their lives over to the mission and ministry of Jesus Christ. He entrusts the care, growth and defense of His Bride to them; His children become their children.
And as you point out this tradition of celibate chastity in the Church is not because marriage is a bad thing; really they compliment one another beautifully. There are ministries in the Church that married people simply cannot do or haven't the time and freedom for, and there are ministries (raising children for example!) that a celibate priest or sister hasn't the time or freedom for either. It is no coincidence that when listing the Seven Sacraments, Holy Orders and Matrimony go side-by-side! Both vocations are essential in the Church, and when they are lived authentically there is such a beautiful harmony and a powerful testimony present.
Sometimes when people meet me, especially if they are high school or college students, they get almost angry at the idea that I, a healthy 28 year-old man, have said a very definitive "no thank you" to sex, ever. They say things like, "Don't you like girls?" "Don't you want to have sex?" "Don't you want children?" I love women; if it weren't for the role that some women have played in my life I'd have never come to know and love Christ as I do. Do I ever want to have sex? I want what CHRIST wants first and foremost, and I haven't the least doubt in my heart that He desires me to live the celibate life. And in the last few years I have come to be the father, in a spiritual but no less real sense, of more children than I could have imagined. Some are a great deal older than I, married with children of their own; some are right around my age; some are younger. But they have shared their spiritual and personal lives with me and I have been able to minister to them not as a counselor, a psychologist or even a friend, but in such a way that I couldn't help but feel like a father consoling a daughter or a son. It is a very powerful experience.
Thanks so much for this beautiful post! As Christ says Himself, marriage and celibacy are two vocations to which some are called and some are not (Mt. 19:11-12). Both are beautiful; both have a place in the Church.
And please, if anyone has any questions for me about the celibate life, feel free to ask! I've been living this way for nearly six years and I tell you they have been, yes, the most challenging years of my life but also--by far--the most joyful.
Getting married is definitely a distracting force that can draw a person away from God. But as Paul said it is a gift to be able to stay celibate. Most people cannot control the innate urges that make us all human. For these people celebacy is not good, but for Paul it was.
Celibacy is wonderful and I'm glad you're seeing that. Don't be like the worldly church and lust after the gifts of God more than God himself. Your message here needs to be repeated to every congregation in America.
Here's my take as a single individual: The thing I struggle with is loneliness on the one hand (reading on other discussion boards how good things seem to be going with all my married friends and their families) (it's so easy to forget that they won't --for obvious reasons-- tell about "highly emotional constructive discussions that turn into arguments" or when a child backslides and what not) and wish for 2 human female arms to hold
On the other hand, I look at the disturbing trends going on in this society (becoming more "anti-child friendly) for one, the increased "baggage' that has to be dealt with (I once told the closest female friend I ever had that due to a sad family secret (which I won't reveal here) that I wouldn't want to risk putting her through that sort of thing.
My final rhetorical food for thought: Is it really worth it to find a mate just so you can say you have one? (meaning, is the motive God-pleasing?)
AGREED!!! It's something I've been trying to tell people for a while! Marriage shouldn't be on a pedestal. Marriage is simply an icon for the marriage with Christ we are to experience when we enter Heaven. The Kingdom of God is like a wedding feast a King puts on for his son, right? Our marriage on earth is simply a reflection, or a preparation for the wedding to come.
It is difficult to grasp very often though...
I'm 25 and so far have not had a boyfriend or husband or anything like that. As far as I know, I have been called to celibacy.
Once I was at college group at church and the pastor asked us to raise our hands if we were either married or wanted to get married. I was 22 at the time and the only one who did not raise my hand for either question.
Marriage is definitely placed on a pedestal in Christianity.
i am 40, & have the great gift of being a virgin. sometimes it's really hard, but i can alsocome and go as i please and i can spend myself how & where i wish. i readily admit i spend little enoughh time with god and too much time wishing for relationships i don't have... but how much worse for me if i lived with someone less than extraordinary! single is soooooo much simpler & easier... and i can run the bible in audio 24/7 arround the house... how many good & godly women would put up with that? my main problem is that while i desire emotional & even physical relationship, i also tend to be very weak in keeping up with the family & friend relationships i already have... maked.me wonder whether i could handle more.
I actually have been considering this lately. Firstly, having a husband and having kids is extremely time and attention consuming. I want my focus to be on Jesus. Secondly, I feel called to doing missionary work in the very dangerous countries. That'd be okay with a husband, but it would be very hard with kids. Especially with the possiblity of martyrdom and such. Thirdly, I just really value my alone time and my private time with the Lord. I just don't really know if I'd even LIKE having a husband.
Although, I've actually had a few prophetic words that had to do with my ministry with my husband, and also words about my future children. So, it's likely that I actually will get married. But, at the moment marriage doesn't even sound appealing.
@IamSetFree@xanga - I couldn't agree more! " having a husband and having kids is extremely time and attention consuming" That's exactly why I am considering having a wife instead, for now she's just my girlfriend but hopefully one day we can get married.
@love4meislove4U@xanga - Ah, actually my observations have found women to be quite a bit more demanding of time/attention than men, though. But it's true, at least you wouldn't naturally have kids, and they typically require a lot of time/energy/attention.
@Reality_Rules@twitter - from a debased oldie...no surprise there....
@IamSetFree@xanga - evangelize the ghettos in the USA, or is that TOO dangerous.
@love4meislove4U@xanga - selfish is as selfish does....
who wrote this post? modesty is stronger than lust.
This post makes me a bit sad; it is a shining example of how religious indoctrination can in some cases dupe people into forsaking the joys and wonders of this life for a mythical eternal afterlife that will never come.
if having a relationship distract you from "god", why stop at the relationship between husband/wife and mother/children? why not cease all relationship with friends, parents, and all living or not so living beings? how does one kind of relationship distract you and not other kinds?
@chaospet@xanga - Virtue is of great value in this life in the here and now. The ancients knew it. We know it today.
@sometimestheycomebackanyway@xanga - Agreed
You must live in a unique community because that is totally backwards around here. Every Christian teenager talked about how they would never get married and that it's better not to get married, and you BETTER go to college etc. before you even think about marriage. I pretty much always had a boyfriend so people put me down and gossiped about me. And now I am getting the heck out of here.
Wow.
@mortimerZilch@xanga - I do:) I've just felt called to the Middle East for a long time. I'm also getting my degree in English as a Second Language and learning Arabic so I can teach English over there.
@chaospet@xanga - I actually have tasted of the "joy and wonders" of this life; I only have been a Christian for a few years. I've been in relationships and I've had sex before I was saved. But nothing compares to the relationship that I have with God. It's not like I was in bad relationships either, I was in quite a few great ones. But they didn't fulfill me the way God does. I've never felt so much happiness and love in my life. I'm sure you'll just assume that it's all in my head, and that's okay. I know how real He is.
Honesty, I would be perfectly OK being single for my entire life.
Obviously I can't help but wonder if the stress the church normally puts on marriage is the reason I feel this way, but personally have always longed for a family. I am skilled (others say) with kids and hope to someday use my God given talent to raise my own kids. But if marriage and kids are not in my future then I fully trust God to provide me with the contentment to do so and continue to serve Him with my life. So I guess I'm trying to say that even though getting married and having kids sounds appealing, I'm not expecting that to happen. God will reveal to me, in His timing, the plans he has for me and my life. One day at a time. I think gifts can come and go according to what we need at the time. I don't think I'd ever say 'I have the gift of celibacy and therefore will never be married' because who knows what God will call me to 5 yrs later. C.S. Lewis didn't get married until he was in his late 50's! For now, marriage isn't what God has for me but things could change, only God knows.