I haven't looked into the Biblical soundness of Mars Hill Church or Mark Driscoll but this video, although it's old, seems pretty right on with what God instructs of us (regarding dating and such -- there are a few things that I kinds wonder about but it's not important to the subject matter). It inspires me to continue to wait until a courageous, confident, and caring man comes along.
You can watch the video
here.
I can't help but think of the guys that have come in to and out of my life. I am grateful that I didn't enter into a courting or dating situation where I would have given my heart away to someone who was not a godly man. It's so easy for me to feel bitter that I haven't had the life experiences of some of my friends and acquaintances who have been pursued by men -- some godly, some not so much -- and have been in these 'Hmm... maybe?" types of situations and relationships. But the truth is that I wouldn't have known any better. I would have thought, "Oh, a boy! Oh, attention! Oh, romance!" and dove right into that sometimes messy and always serious situation of the giving of oneself on an emotional level.
And I am grateful that I haven't 'given away my heart' to the many guys that I've swooned over, because they aren't men yet and I'm not a woman yet -- that sounds weird but I'm talking figuratively/emotionally/spiritually. I need to remember that I am part of the equation, too; it's not just a waiting game, it's a preparing game, making the most of my singleness. I read in the book
Just Do Something -- great book, by the way -- that instead of focusing on the list of things that you want in a spouse, make a list of the things that you need to improve on to be a good spouse (paraphrased for the sake of time). I need to remember that
that is the stage of life I'm in right now: becoming who God wants me to be, at this point in my life as a single person.
And lastly I am grateful that I can finally see
why God didn't let those few 'special' friendships become anything more. I have to be honest, while I may not have given my heart away as often as some girls or as often as I may have thought I did, I have been in relationships (friendships) with guys where I was emotionally attached and there was emotional turmoil or even heartache when things didn't progress -- if you've read any of my posts from two years or so ago you'd know of one specific situation.
But at this moment, and hopefully in the future, I am rejoicing that nothing progressed past friendship because these particular guys were lacking in the characteristics that God desires of husbands. Whether it be that he isn't a one woman man or that he isn't someone I'd hope any potential sons could be like someday -- whatever the situation, it wasn't what God wanted for me and now I see it's not at all what I want. In fact, I can say with sincerity,
I'd rather be single.
Maybe you're not a Christian and you think this is all bogus; "why would anyone be so foolish as to set their sights so high?" you might ask. Maybe you do call yourself a Christian and you think this is all bogus because everyone sins and nobody's perfect -- true but, as Christians we are called to the standards of perfection. Maybe you're a person who has thought this way all along and you think I'm childish for finally understanding. But for me, this is eye-opening and important and gives me great food for thought. I have a lot of life evaluating to do.
If you are single, what do you intend to do with your single stage of life? Do you intend to spend it pining for someone or preparing yourself for someone? If you're already married, what can you tell single people about the stage of life they are going through now and how to best spend this time?
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Comments (9)
I'm glad to hear that you're not wasting your time with the guys who are less concerned about their integrity than you are about your integrity. That's a rare quality these days. I wish you the best of luck with your self-improvement program.
My brother married a childhood sweetheart. She is a devout Christian while he and I are from a completely secular background. He has no discernible religious beliefs to me.
And yet they have had a loving marriage and have produced children who are a credit to them and the community. What was their trick? Mutual respect.
@Lovegrove@xanga - I think you are on to something. I think mutual respect is very important in a relationship! If you don't mind me asking, what do you define as a loving marriage? This is just so i can get a better idea of what you mean. Also, I do not think that jessica was meaning to sound as if you can't have a functioning marriage if both parties aren't pursuing God.
This sounds great, and I hope it works out. And if you want to stay single, hey, more power to you. But keep in mind, that it's very hard to know 100% all you really need to know about a man in order to marry him. I'm 58, and have been married forever. I like Dr. Phil's advice. If you can get 80% of what you want, and your partner is willing to work very hard at being your best friend, lover, etc., then the rest will grow. There's no way you will ever be 100%, even though prior to living together he may think so. Also, get to know his family. And pursuing God? In a 50 or 60 year marriage, that can wax and wane a bit. Hard times can hit, and sometimes you help each other through depressions, and other situations. I think you are thinking of a pie in the sky first five year scenario.
lol here have a tie fighter i'd just like to say the bible I used to read says it's not good for man to be alone.
I know in a world where *everything* is good, even apostasy, being single sounds like a good idea
but if you're not getting laid god hates you
@Nous_Apeiron@xanga - Thanks! I wouldn't really call it self-improvement and I can't do it by my own power but rather by the power of Christ in me. Its quite liberating. I feel like now I can finally learn to be who God wants me to be and how He wants to use me. I didn't even realize that my striving after a relationship with a guy was getting in the way of Him teaching me that!
@Jupianking@xanga - you are right, this post wasn't even about the matter of a one-sided pursuit of God within the marriage relationship. But I'd be lying if I said that the best or the ideal marriage relationship doesn't required both parties to be pursuing first and foremost a relationship with God. I'm not going to deny the fact, though, that a marriage CAN be loving, happy, what-have-you with only one party claiming to have a relationship with Jesus Christ while the other doesn't. I just know that God has called us to be in a marriage where both the husband and the wife can encourage one another in their faith journey.
@Pollypinks@xanga - I agree completely with you about the whole 80% thing. This wasn't meant to be a post saying that I've raised my standards and expectations but rather that they've changed. Things like being able to play the guitar, having green eyes, or having a great smile just don't seem as important any more (those aren't things that I really cared about before but just examples) because other things seem so much more important now.
Yeah, I think that's how God designed the marriage relationship to be, one of helping each other through the dry spells of their faith journey. I by no means expect finding and marrying a decent guy to be like running through a field of daisies, that has been evidenced by my parent's marriage. They've been learning and growing since day one and haven't perfected themselves or their marriage. Its tough, I get that.
Thanks for your advice and congrats on your marriage lasting so long- I do believe you said forever, that's a long time! ; )
It's good that you are witness to your parents working through their marriage. It's kind of a miracle they are still together, in this day and age. Marriage isn't for wimps, let me say. It's a ton of work, sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's terribly hard, and you have to fight to make it workable. If you find a man who's willing to go to counseling, that's a step in the right direction, because many times couples need that outside party to get things back on track, or, to help the couple see things they would never see otherwise. I had my children with my first husband 35 years ago, as they are 35, and 33. That marriage did not last because of too much violence, and I don't believe in taking that. My present husband has been with me for 22 years, and he didn't know how to handle my children, since he'd never been married before. So we went to counseling, and took parenting classes together to know what boundaries to set, and how to work out our differences properly, and it made a huge difference in how we relate to one another. If someone isn't willing to get outside help, I'd say dump him.