Tuesday, 31 January 2012
By Amy at Make Me a Mary
Guess what? I’m hosting a guest today and I didn’t even clean house for her. This is totally my kind of houseguest. :)
I’d like to introduce you to my friend Sarah (anyone remember the friend I met on the plane last summer?). Her beautiful new blog has been in the works for some time, and I know you’ll definitely want to check it out.
And now I’ll shut up and let Sarah talk.
People say it’s good, clean fun. A safe, controlled way to demonstrate physical strength against an opponent.
That’s fine. It still doesn’t change the fact that they’re wearing spandex. (Is this what men think when they see women over 90 pounds wearing jeggings? Do I need to go return those???)
Anyway. So unless it’s a sentimental movie where the good guy wins and everything, I don’t really watch it. There are just more important things to do.
I take the same approach with decision-making: I like to avoid wrestling. I’m not Jacob. I don’t want a ladder, I want clarity.
So I tell God this all the time when I’m searching for answers:
I will happily sit with my mouth open to be spoon-fed. I’ll eagerly follow a road map. I’ll sit for as long as you’d like and take lots of notes from that still, small Voice, and do exactly what You say.
Just please don’t make wrestle. Don’t make me wait, don’t ask me to struggle and weigh the options, don’t be mysterious, don’t give me freedom. Just hand over the road map!!
But the thing is, God doesn’t always tie up His purpose for a human life with a pretty bow and deliver it on a silver tray. In fact…I’m thinking He about never does that.
So, I wrestle.
These days, I wrestle with what I’m supposed to do about blogging. I started a blog last week, and it’s been a nightmare. I don’t think I’m supposed to tell people that (poor Amy here has been getting a lot of emails). No, but I really mean it. Starting a blog has been a nightmare. When it went live, I had borderline panic attacks. I even cried. I know. Cried.
SARAH! You say. It’s just a blog!!!!
That’s very true. But it consumed me, and I was paranoid about it, and anxious, and insecure—and all of that because of this: It was the one thing in my life where God didn’t hand me a road map.
Meaning, above every other big deal, every major life-altering thing going on—job transitions, moving downtown, breathing in and out—
This was the only part of my life where I had to walk around blind.
I knew I needed to move downtown. I knew God was leading me to take new steps in my work with teenagers.
But blog? Me? I just don’t know if that’s really what He wants. Right now, as I write this, I don’t know.
It’s been annoying to be so confused. I feel guilty, like I’m supposed to have it all figured out. Guilty for caring so much. Guilty because I must not be listening very well if I can’t hear Him.
Or maybe I feel guilty because I’ve wondered if God is withholding Himself from me.
Which is something His Word tells me He would never do.
It came to a head a couple of days ago when, at a day of prayer sponsored by my church’s women’s ministry, I poured it all out to God raw for the first time.
And then I got my clarity.
Sarah. If you don’t know the answer, it means you necessarily have to step out in faith.
Which is maybe, just maybe, all God really wants. Maybe He wants just a little bit of faith walking, the scary kind that’s unsure of the destination and all the how’s and why’s, the kind that leads a person to lose herself as she finds she can do nothing but cling to Christ.
This might, it really just might, lead her to a deeper walk with Him as she comes to realize He’s got her.
So I’ve got to wrap my timid, over-analytical, sight-loving heart around this: It’s okay to wrestle. I just have to outfit myself with faith.
(Not spandex. Fortunately.)