Thursday, 26 January 2012
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The Desire to Be Attractive
I am a Christian woman; the only reason I have not said "godly" is because I feel like I would be bragging on myself if I said that. To be called a godly woman is a great honor, I believe. Anyway, I digress. Lately I have been thinking about modesty and the trials men go through with temptation. I know that both women and men are called to modesty, but for the purposes of this post, I'm just talking about female modesty. I like to dress attractively, I won't lie. I used to not be so good about buying shirts that didn't show cleavage, but I've never had a problem with short shorts or dresses because I was never comfortable with them to begin with. However, in the past year or two, I've grown more mature, I guess, and I have gotten better at covering up even more.
I like to show my figure, though. I have learned to love my body -- really! -- and I have a desire, a strong one, mind you, for others to see. Mainly men. So I wear things that are flattering. But I can't help feeling that this desire is selfish and sinful. Sure, every women was created to love and to desire love and pursuit, and I don't believe that is wrong in and of itself. But how far is too far? I think about how I look a lot, not particularly because I'm insecure, like I used to be, but mostly because I'm constantly thinking about what men see.
So, please, brothers in Christ, help a girl out. Even wise sisters can help on this. In the desire to be attractive, which I believe all Christian women have, how far is too far?
Christian men, how do you respond? How can your Christian sisters help you to not struggle with temptation and desire by the way they dress? Christian women, what are you doing now to be more modest in your attire? Is it alright to want to be seen as attractive?
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- From: scrittore@xanga
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Comments (35)
Women are insanely attractive even if they are modestly dressed. I think if women understood that they wouldn't feel pressured to dress like harlots. And they could resist the temptation to do so.
Vanity is too far.
Well, I'll be honest with you, I'm not really attracted to women... or men, for that matter. It's one of my little quirks that is covered in God's grace. Anyway, I totally agree with and support modesty, and I totally agree with and support sometimestheycomebackanyway@xanga and what he says above here. Consider my comment a ditto of his.
To add on to it, though, I can say that I kind of understand how you feel. I like to dress well, too, and I know that I have a very nice butt. For men, however, and men's fashion, showing butt cleavage is the opposite of attractive. Covering up is actually sexier in the vast majority of people's opinions. But how should I cover up back there? Should I wear baggy jeans that destroy all contour and shape? Should I wear better fitting pants that look more professional, but hug my back seat? Should I leave my shirt untucked to try to hide my butt? Should I tuck in my shirt and look nicer overall, but at the same time show off my goods in the back? I've actually struggled with these questions in the same way you're struggling with your issue of modesty. I'm not trying to brag about my body, but it's just reality. I have a nice butt, yet I still need to be modest about it while still looking neat and professional. And this brings me to my point.
Cover up, take care of yourself, be wise and responsible, mature and professional, look good, but don't toss everything you have to offer out on the sidewalk for passersby to ogle. Sometimes you're just going to look sexy to somebody and there's nothing you can do about it and it doesn't mean you look trashy or that you're doing anything wrong. Unless you want to dress like a nun, there will be times when the ball is not in your court anymore and other people will need to be responsible for their own eyes and thoughts. The desire to be good-looking or attractive does not mean you have to dress like a hooker or that you need to spend your life worrying yourself sick about how you look. Other people's lust is not always your fault.
There have been 4 women that I have known that have been truly exemplary of Godly womanhood (literally above reproach); none of them gave a 2nd thought to their attire.
They were entirely led by the Spirit in looking after their brothers and sisters and the needs of all the church.
Desire that and I think God will bless the desire of your heart.
It's quite serious nowadays huh? =] sometimes we talk about this at our church, at this moment, im afraid of pursuing love as many do....BUT as to how to dress, i guess one thing in mind is that if a man likes you because of your body figure, then he probably NOT a man for your life (i know it's always easy to say than do) i also want to be attractive as well (since im a REALLY PLAIN and NOT good-looking either) yet i never got the courage to dress revealingly....one thing is always on mind is that.....when i go out, people would see me as a Christian, which means we are representatives of Christ....so i wouldnt dare to dress revealing since Christ is not like this....
so it's NOT wrong to want to be attractive, BUT it's the intention behind that matters...
anyway...i hope this helps???? and plus if you seriously think about this and post this up, i think God has worked in your heart =] i will pray for you that God may give you strength =]
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that men found women attractive prior to the advent of current fashions, prior to the advent of the fashions of 1,000 years ago, and prior to the existence of fashions. So you really don't have to work at being attractive. Genetics took care of that one for you.
The bad news is that the bar for fashion has been lowered quite a bit, so it's going to be (or already is) very difficult at times to find modest clothing.
As to how far is too far, I'm not going to cite any rules here, because I think the issue for you and everyone else struggling with questions about body image in our culture is that we need to change our minds and our hearts before we'll start to change our attire.
What we wear on the outside has a lot to do with what we value on the inside, in our minds and hearts. As long as we value sexiness as the goal of getting dressed and undressed, hooker-esque fashions will continue to thrive. Once we reject the values of our culture that lead us to objectify ourselves for the sake of others, it gets progressively easier to reject the culture's fashions.
I think what helps is to have a friend who you trust give you some pointers. Also, after a while, you start getting a feel for what's too much as you see how people react to various outfits.
I suspect Luke 17:21 will point you towards your answer.
If you ask anyone here you'll end up wearing dresses that zip or button all the way to the top of your neck, go past your wrists far enough to interfere with your daily activities and drag the ground when you walk. Then they'll still call you a harlot simply because you are a woman, while taking great delight in the fact that there are no rules for men regarding clothing because only a woman can tempt a man to sin.
Why would you even ask that here? The conversation is going to be stacked against you no matter what you do. You're going to be judged for even caring about your appearance in the first place.
Adam and Eve were naked until they ate that fruit. I think our concept of modesty is human created, not Godly given. Plus, why are men not dressing to minimize the affect their forearms have on women? Why do they not wear long t-shirts to cover their butts?
I think a man's forearm is equivalent to women's legs. Like when I see a nice pair of strong forearms I'm thinking just as naughty thoughts as a man is thinking looking at some nice legs. But only women must help her brother out? For reals? We should concern ourselves far more with how people treat each other than worry about modesty only for women.
the tone of this post is very disturbing to me. the way a woman dresses and her modesty are reflections of her relationship with herself and with god - NOT to keep a man from being "tempted". that line of thinking would imply that every bit of a woman should be covered as any part of the body can be incredibly sexy to someone, somewhere.
it is up to men to keep check on their own thought processes and temptation, NOT women.
@haltija@xanga - @TiredSoVeryTired@xanga -
whew, i'm glad you guys commented. i thought i was the only one who noted the disturbing gender implications of this article.
I've actually thought about the same things as you. I was going to write a long comment but it was rambling and not making much sense haha :)
I don't really feel that the way I dress affects a man's attractiveness to me.
Men aren't the only ones who "struggle with temptations." Women have sex drives too.
I think you sound like someone with a sweet, sincere heart.
To me, the problem with this lies back before we even get to your wardrobe. I speak as someone who also struggles with this sometimes. If we're as focused on what men see as this post makes it sound, there's a problem. Healthy confidence, the kind God wants us to have, means we're at peace with who we are and how we look.
I cannot judge because I don't know you, but speaking from experience with my own self, I hear insecurity in this post. A secure woman doesn't need affirmation from men to feel attractive and at peace with herself and God. That doesn't mean we don't dress nicely, because we respect ourselves, but our focus really doesn't need to be on the opposite gender.
Much love to you. I don't mean to be offensive in any way, but I don't think the focus here is quite at the very best place possible.
Beauty must remain connected to Truth. natural attractiveness is built in so that the human race can continue...it is a lure to insure reproduction...just like delicious tastes ensure that we get fed to keep us alive. you are so far from the Truth of a proper Christian understanding of the Body that it represents a crisis in your life. I strongly recommend that you go to the effort of finding and reading and then meditating upon the Catholic "Theology of the Body." The Pope's Wednesday talks for the past 5 years have addressed this very question you raise! So I think it is definitely important.
Here's a link to make it easier for you....http://thetheologyofthebody.com/I'm not a guy, obviously, but I am a mom of two young daughters. I've been teaching them about modesty from the very beginning. They might be too young to understand their body is a temple, but they are not to young to teach them simple guidelines....like shorts & skirts at our below their finger tips, & no need to wear skimpy bikinis when we spend our summer days at the public pool. I want to teach them over time that they don't have to show it all. I want to teach them that at these young ages, dressing to be "hot" or "sexy" should be the furthest thing from their minds.
BUT that doesn't mean they can't be fun and fashionable. I don't beIieve that being fashionable and dressing modestly are exclusive of one another. Fashion is a very creative outlet. I think you wanting to dress in a way that flatters you body is about wanting to feel good. I mean I am "curvy" married woman, and I want to choose clothing that flatters my curves, verses making them look worse, because I want to feel comfortable. Because once I am dressed comfortably (and I'm not just talking about sweat pants here), I can relax and be who I really am on the inside...which, I like to think, is far prettier than the outer package that is my body.
I think deep down you already know the answer to your questions. Dress is way that expresses who you really are on the inside. If your heart really is close to GOD, I think you won't really need or desire to dress in a way that might cause your brothers to stumble.
And finally some WORD for thought...
1 SAMUEL 16:7 ~ "The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
PROVERBS 31:25 ~ "She is clothed with strength and dignity."
PROVERBS 31:30 ~ "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Men's forearms have an affect on women?? I had no idea. I am delighted.
"Lately I have been thinking about modesty and the trials men go through with temptation."
So women are never tempted?
For me, Christian women could completely become undesireable if they wear the following:
1) Formal corporate business attire. Like the Hilary Clinton pant suit. Or as I like to put it, "HR clothing." (Human Relations)
2) The burqa. For all I know, you could be a guy under that thing.
3) The fashion that the women wear on The Bachelor at the rose
presenting ceremony. (Just not very flattering in my opinion.)
4) A cardboard box that starts at your neck and goes down to your feet.
Anything else --- modest feminine sundresses, amish clothing, victorian clothing, short shorts, jeans, ballerina attire, etc = desire, wanting, attraction and lust.
So, it is a loosing battle trying to figure out what won't make men want you. Don't worry about men. Let them worry about themselves. Challenge them. Don't conform to them.
I find it quite amusing that you have Emma Watson in this post as she did do that photoshoot with Ellen Von Unwerth and she is the darling of the high fashion scene. She is pretty modest but not she does have her moments. (Which I fully approve of.)
I like modesty in a person :)
@BinarySearch@xanga - second this. forearms=sexy
@wtf_turmoill@xanga - I believe it's commonly excepted that men in general are more sex-oriented than women.
OP: I'm not a christian anymore, but I used to be, and I do respect/agree with some of its ideas. The idea of modesty is to be considerate of men as far as temptation goes. That doesn't mean dress awful and make yourself feel bad. That means dress so you and others can appreciate your body- this is possible without being inconsiderate. If you dwell too much on what will cause men to stumble, you'll drive yourself crazy. Some dude think women in baggy shirts are totally sexy, for example. The point is your motives. If you're trying to dress to get sexual attention, you're going to act that way, and men will be able to tell.
http://smileitmakesmehappy.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/modesty/
Knowing who you are in Christ, should be enough to reflect who you are. Knowing your identity (including outward appearance) in Christ is so important. We are not defined by our clothes.
P.S. Although I do like dressing nicely too, but not particularly for men.
There's nothing wrong with looking attractive. That's a positive sign that you are happy and confident.
I would say that a good rule of thumb is to not wear anything that makes you feel guilty. If showing a little cleavage makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. Dress to make you happy. Develop your own sense of style, not what you think a guy wants to see in you in.