Wednesday, 25 January 2012
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Purity Balls, Purity Rings: The Purity Myth?
The Purity Myth Trailer from Media Education Foundation on Vimeo.
After reading a friend's blog on The Purity Myth (a documentary), I started thinking about my own experiences with this whole "purity" thing. I have watched the documentary, and I'll say straight up -- it scared the crap out of me.
The documentary presented the idea of "Purity Balls" as being something essential to society. Girls would come, accompanied by their fathers, and have a great dinner, and then dance with and for their fathers, and would "give" their purity to their fathers. Their fathers would then commit to taking care of it and treasuring it, and that they would commit to helping their daughters find their Prince Charming. They would also be given roses which they would lay at the foot of a wooden cross -- oh yes, did I mention this is an extreme Christian view?
While some of the views presented were valid, it was very much an extreme take on purity and slightly scary as young girls would pretty much pledge themselves to their fathers. They gave their fathers the right to their purity, and the right to give it away -- essentially saying that their fathers would pick who they dated and ultimately ended up marrying.
While there is a grain of wisdom in this, in that your parents -- provided they are good parents, something we can save for another post -- should approve of your future husband/wife, this documentary definitely took it to the extreme.
In addition to valuing women mainly because of their sexuality and thus reducing them to mere sexual objects, it promotes unquestionable obedience to their authority figures -- namely their fathers. Girls as young as 5 or 6 participate in this ball and believe it is just a part of life. They even go as far to say that kissing someone while dating them would be breaking the 10 Commandments, the one concerning adultery.
While I'm all for waiting for the right guy to come along -- and by all means, please do not throw yourself at the first person with a third leg, and I'm all for physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries -- I wouldn't go so far as to say that is breaking one of the 10 Commandment. The problem with this is that once someone "breaks the commandment" they are ostracized and, as one girl experiences, shamed, unwanted and not trusted by anyone in the community. Essentially, there is very little mercy or compassion in this extreme form of "purity" and there is no room for error if you grow up knowing what is "right."
One of the guys also said that he was waiting for his first kiss to be at the altar, and he said that he was very physically driven and he didn't want it to throw him over the edge (I'm paraphrasing here). While that's all fine and dandy, what happens when he does meet that girl? What happens if he does kiss her before the altar? Is his life going to be over? I don't think so -- but he might. What he is doing admirable, for sure. He was also of an age where it seemed like he had thought it through, and he seemed to know why he believed what he did, and that is a great thing.
Nevertheless, he just watched his sisters get ready; if purity is as equally big of a thing for guys as it is for girls as they claim, then why isn't there anything special for guys? What if girls don't want to be streamed into this idea of femininity -- ball gowns, dancing and flowers? I hate dressing up, I hate dancing and I'm meh about flowers; does that make me less of a woman in their eyes?
However, that doesn't mean that all those who partake in this cultural phenomenon are crazy. One of the fathers at the end was very rational and said "Will this stop them from having sex? Of course not, but hopefully it will give them something to think about" (or something like that).
That was pretty much my response when my parents asked if I wanted a purity ring: "Uh, you know if I want to have sex, I'm not going to look at the ring and be like 'crap! I forgot about the ring! Sorry, no can do.' You know that, right, mom?" Needless to say, my parents weren't so impressed.
Ultimately, to me this movement seems to be one born in reaction to the culture around us, and largely born of fear. Like many extremely conservative Christians, the idea is "Let's isolate ourselves" instead of "Let's teach our kids how to stand for what they believe in, in a culture that has very different values."
What are your thoughts on "purity balls"? Have you ever been to one? Do you think that there is really a purity myth in America? If things like purity rings aren't working for our children, what can we do to encourage them to remain abstinent?
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Comments (29)
We encourage our children to have morals and good sense of self. To think. To be healthy mentally and physically. Purity balls are disgusting. I haven't watched the film yet but I read the book and Jessica Valenti is an incredible person. Ones sense of self worth should not be dependent on if they've had intercourse or not and to tell our children that it is... it's just very upsetting to me. If you're going to be abstinent, do it for healthy and open-minded reasons. Not because you're scared that putting a penis in your vagina will make you a dirty dirty slut. (And, of course, men are not pure. Men are the purity keepers! So men are a non-issue here.)
There was a girl in my high school who wore a purity ring, but it was really just something her parents bought her. It was an excuse for her to wear something that looked nice. She'd call herself a "virgin" because "she wouldn't let guys come in her".
Basically what I'm saying is it's a myth. They do nothing and mean nothing.
"If things like purity rings aren't working for our children, what can we do to encourage them to remain abstinent? "
Set strong examples through role models. Not idols mind you, but role models. This can be someone as close as an older sister/brother or a close friend.
I think the whole concept of a girl (and only a girl, not also a boy handing his purity over to his mother) handing her purity to her father treats women as only objects to be own and only owned by men. And it's so dang Oedipal, it's icky and it's horrifying and sad to me. I suspect only the girls are shamed when they lose their virginity, not the boys and that's just plain old sexist and further treats women like objects only for men's desires.
I see no problem with stressing "virginity" to your children, if you stress it to all your children, including the boys. A wise parent, however, would also make sure the children know all options. And then follows through with support and such without harsh reactions like ostracizing them. I really wish parents would make their sons more responsible when they father children. That would really help with teen pregnancy rates.
this post, and the comments, make me sad. It just shows how little impact Dads are having on their daughters.. Im thankful for a wonderful father, and a husband who is also a great dad.
I bought myself a True Love Waits ring when I was 11, and I still have it in my jewelry box (I dont wear it anymore because Ive been married 7 yrs. But I wore it with my engagement ring right up until the morning of my wedding, and I plan on giving it to my daughter)... to me it was a promise that I made to myself, and to my Heavenly Father, that I was going to wait until marriage. And i am so glad that I did. And I am thankful that my parents held me accountable.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - That's awesome.
There is a young girl at my church who is getting married soon and she and her fiance have never even kissed. It's a decision they had both made a long time ago so that they would not be tempted to take it further, and I admire that so much. However, as far as your blog, I do find that a bit extreme. It's making an idol out of purity instead of just striving to honor the Lord. Mark Driscoll, for example, gives some practical advice on how to stay pure until marriage without going over the top and having crazy ceremonies.
Hmm and also...the video says that we spend $50 million a year on abstinence education.
Um guess how much we spend on medicaid for those who are shelling out babies by the truckload because they're not using protection/waiting? Doesn't put that in there, now does it?
This video is very very biased, btw.
"If things like purity rings aren't working for our children, what can we do to encourage them to remain abstinent?"
that's easy: having realistic goals. and teaching them realistic reasons for waiting to have sex until they're ready. if the only reason you can give them is "the Bible says so", what will happen when they have their first crisis of faith? i can't count how many girls i went to high school with who got knocked up as soon as they stopped going to church. it's utterly ridiculous.
I grew up in the church, and at 12 was given a Purity Ring by my parents. My parents never talked to me about sex, they, like most other strict conservative homes, tried to scare me away from it. Needless to say, I lost my virginity at 16 strictly out of curiosity to a guy I didn't love, wasn't in a relationship with, and didn't sleep with ever again. Was it right? No. I felt ashamed and, in a way, like a failure BECAUSE of the fact that I had broken my Purity vows. People looked down on me as if I was a lesser woman simply because I had sex before I was married.
Anderson Cooper featured this very subject a few days ago on his show, and he brought up a very good point - how many males do you see taking Purity vows? It's very one sided. It also focuses on a woman's sexuality, in my opinion. I am not just my vagina. I have more to offer than sex and reproducing. I understand the sentiment behind it, and the intention of lifting up a woman and saying that she should protect her worth, but she is more than just her virginity.
Is it wrong to expect to wait? No. Is it reasonable? Slightly. I mean, people can say "In today's world" but premarital sex has been going on since humans were created. It is a great goal to make, but the reality of it is that most of the vows are broken and it creates a lot of pressure and guilt on the woman. I think if Purity vows and balls and things were more equally geared towards men, and talking about all aspects of sex wasn't so taboo in the conservative culture, they MIGHT be more successful. I do like the idea of involving their family and friends, though. It gives them more accountability and a closer, more open relationship with those around them.
This is a concept that reduces the morality of a person to what lies between their legs.
There is more to the moral compass of the individual, and the greatest mistake anyone could make is believing that this is the best 'guide'.
I also had a purity ring that my mom bought me when I was twelve. We had talked about it and I was really excited about the idea of it, and we went and picked it out together. I wasn't giving my purity to anyone when I got it, it was just kind of a reminder. Also, my mom and I had talked about the consequences of sex beyond just the spiritual, or even physical (pregnancy/STDs) aspects, such as getting emotionally attached to someone who isn't going to be with you for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, curiousity got the best of me, and I still lost my virginity before I was married (I was almost 19 at the time, and living in another country away from my family, so I didn't have to face any type of consequences from my church/family).
I think it's best to let the person decide if/when they want to participate in something like a purity ball... Maybe around the age when they would actually think about doing something and where they are old enough to understand what they are doing (sometime around 12-13 years old makes sense to me. At this point they are old enough to KNOW what they are doing, but probably young enough to where they haven't thought to really engage in sexual activity).
Creepy does not even begin to describe this phenomenon.
Creepy does not even begin to describe this phenomenon.
Yeah. The 'rents were all into that crazy crap. I guess it worked. I got high instead of having sex...
You know....I wonder how many of those dads thought the same thing I did when you said "give their purity to their fathers". Incestuous pedophilia much?
I had a few friends whom were blessed to have fathers that did take their daughters on special dates, discuss purity and gave their daughter(s) a ring. It's special. And I yearned for that relationship with my own dad.
I think any firmly grounded Christian is going to recognize that these are not a Godly endeavor; essentially, they are building up laws to protecting their righteousness instead of relying and growing in the Spirit of God to resist temptations. That being said, we have to be careful not to proceed to bash, belittle, or downplay the importance of what they were (unsuccessfully) trying to teach; purity is not something we simply play lip service to and then turn around and use vulgar terms, comically or not. We are called to be pure. Obedience to authority, our parents especially, is something equivalent to the testimony of the Churches obedience to God the Father.
So I would think that it's better to present a solution than simply bash what others are doing.
Perhaps you should try and write about alternatives to keeping purity? How can girls these days keep themselves pure and take a stand against sexualizing themselves?
yeah, i think its a load of garbage, personally. when i lost my virginity i didn't feel any different or less pure. i felt a bit sore, but that's a different story altogether ;)
the way i felt at the time was that it really wasn't all that different than kissing. it was just slightly more intimate. it just felt like the natural progression of things, not something huge and momentous and life-changing. i think way too much importance is placed on this simple and natural act. i do think that people should wait until they are mature enough to handle it though. that's a really individual thing that's different for everyone. for me it was when i was 19. i'm really glad that i waited that long because i know i wouldn't have been able to handle it when i was younger. some can, but i couldn't have. i also think its important to wait until you know how to use birth control and/or can handle the responsibility of a baby. generally, i think waiting till after high school is a good idea.
if you want to wait until you're married, go for it. just don't place this huge sense of importance to it. ultimately you'll just be let down ESPECIALLY if its two virgins together. i honestly can't imagine that, i don't think i could ever have sex with a virgin. that just sounds so awkward. sorry virgins :(
I did not need a purity ring on my finger to make the right decisions about my own sexuality. My parents trusted me and I will trust my own daughter. No need for rings or balls. She'll do what's right for her at a time that's right for her. And I'll trust her judgement.
Purity balls. Terrifying. Sexist. Demeaning.
When I read the title, I thought to myself, "Purity balls? OH, THE IRONY!!!!"
Turns out it's not so much ironic as sad, pathetic, and demeaning.
Wow, I had no idea that purity balls existed. I find it kind of creepy... I would find it a lot less creepy, though, if boys of the same religious affiliation were required to do the same. As has already been said, a woman is worth far more than her vagina and how many babies she can pop out. The concept of men not being interested in women who have already been "had" is disgusting to me, particularly if they've already had sex with other people.
I've never heard of such extreme purity balls. Five and six seems kind of young to me but I don't see the harm in addressing the matter of purity with girls (and boys) who reach that age where they are being told that their sex drive needs to rule their lives.
The lady in the video was kind of driving me crazy. The message that the world seems to be telling us (or at least me anyway) is that our value and our identity is in our sexuality. So regardless of which stance you take on this issue the right message the lady was addressing of our value not being in 'what we do with our bodies' is not coming across.
I can attest to the fact that purity rings are a bit of a charade. They've become a reminder or a symbol of purity instead of a statement. There is a boy in the youth group I help out with who likes asking girls if their ring is a purity ring- mostly because he thinks its absurd and likes to tease girls about it. It really made me think about purity rings and their significance within the Christian culture. I don't think the intention of the purity ring was for parents to tell their kids that they are expected to stay pure but rather for Christian teens to proclaim to the world that they intend to wait until marriage to have sex. I did not have a purity ring but I wanted one really bad. At that stage of my life I wanted so badly to look like a good little Christian. When in reality God would rather I had put on "compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience" (Col 3:12) than a Christian T-shirt, cross necklace, and purity ring. I'm glad I didn't waste my money (or my parents' money) because there are other ways to show the world that you have different standards.
Regarding the 'purity myth': I can't help but laugh. Remaining pure isn't at all about rings, balls, fathers, submission, gender roles, anti-feminism, or what-have-you. The call to remain pure comes from God Himself. I don't expect non-Christians to understand that so its silly that this lady has taken purity out of that context. Yes there are emotional, physical, and probably other consequences to sleeping around or even just having sex a couple times outside of marriage but ultimately the motivator for Christians to remain pure should be because that's what God has asked us to do. There are so many I could quote here but this one caught my eye: I Thess 4:3-5 "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God."
Purity doesn't equal salvation. God is a forgiving God who is ready and waiting cleanse all/any who come to him. Its sad that there are extreme communities of so-called Christians who are so cruel regarding this matter. God is the judge of someone's heart and state of repentance, not us!
I had never heard of purity balls until you mentioned them. I'm pretty indifferent.
What bothers me is that everyone seems to be focusing on girls. It takes two to tango. I can't imagine any Christian family telling their girls to take purity vows and such and then telling their boys to go out and get some tail. Seriously? I don't know whether the documentary purposely misrepresents the facts or what, but I know that my family and my wife's family have always been held to the standard of righteousness, and most of us are guys.
"...valuing women mainly because of their sexuality and thus reducing them to mere sexual objects..." I didn't watch the documentary, so I'm assuming it's from something not in the trailer because I don't know where you're getting this. I can't see how teaching children to not have sex outside marriage makes them into mere sexual objects. That's pretty counter intuitive.From the standpoint of the natural world (which no one ever voices), even the purist humans are a scourge upon this planet.
From my point of view, they can abstain and avoid alcohol all they want, but I find when something is driven by fear, even of a divine source, it always leads to a negative result. If such an act is inspired and motivated by love and progress, then it never could be wrong. Thus its "goodness" or "badness" tends to lay in the hands of the participant.