Tuesday, 17 January 2012
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Sex Talk and the Single Life
By Sharon at SheWorships
A lot of Christian leaders have been talking about sex lately. The publicity has generated a great deal of conversation–some good, some not so good–as Christians continue to learn about godly sexuality and its proper place in the Christian life.
As important as it is to have these conversations and to seek greater understanding, these discussions can also present a bit of a challenge to single people. When Christians talk about sex in the same way as non-Christians–namely by by elevating it to the position of a basic necessity and touting its nirvana-like pleasure–I am not sure we are serving single Christians in their call to chastity.
This week, Matthew Lee Anderson wrote a terrific article for Christianity Today about this community component to our language about sex. In it he addressed the contribution that singles bring to these discussions when he wrote:
Just as importantly, learning how sexuality is a community concern gives a voice to those who are frequently ignored when the topic arises: those who are single, and especially singles who may be called to that state. It’s paradoxical, of course, to think that those who might never have sex have something to teach the married about it. But within the community of the church, single people have an indispensible role in reminding the married that for all its joys and pleasures, life without sex is not one of drudgery or disappointment.
The perspective Anderson offers here is a great reminder of how lop-sided our conversations about sex will become if we exclude particular voices in the church. When married couples alone are the key leaders and thinkers on this issue, it is possible that we can develop an understanding of sex that is somewhat distorted.
For instance, in our exaltation of sex and its many benefits, great sex is sometimes described as a reward for godly married couples. Some of this logic comes from married couples who regret their past sexual impurity and the baggage it brought into their marriage. They wish they had waited and they encourage young Christians to make different choices. In addition to these testimonies, married Christians who enjoy sex appeal to it as a primary motivator for right behavior. Some teachers promise that abstinence prior to marriage is a guarantee of great married sex. If you can wait it out, it will be worth it.
To be sure, sex before marriage can result in a lot of baggage. Sin always has consequences, a principle that is repeatedly emphasized in the book of Proverbs. Likewise, righteousness undoubtedly bears fruits.
However, the logic behind this approach to abstinence has a number of problems. First, it’s simply not true. Abstinence does not guarantee good sex. Just before my husband walked into the church on our wedding day, my pastor said to him, “Prepare to have the worst sex of your life.” By this he meant that no one is a pro at first. For a lot of married couples, sex has a slow learning curve and it takes time to really enjoy it. For most people, it’s not mind-blowing the first time–or the 20th.
Add to that learning curve the component of personal hang-ups. Some Christians struggle to transition from abstinence to having regular sex. Many women are insecure about their bodies and have trouble being intimate. For other women it is physically painful, and for some men the drive isn’t always there.
Contrary to television, sex is complicated and each couple’s sexual relationship will have its own unique challenges. Fortunately, in marriage we have our whole lives to learn about one another, to trust one another, and to grow with one another in this area. Even when a couple struggles with their sexual relationship, that commitment to struggle together is part of the beauty of sex.
Returning to the logic of reward for abstinence, there is an additional problem with it that goes beyond it’s logistical fallacies: The purpose of abstinence is not to have great sex. The purpose of abstinence is to honor God with our bodies. Our bodies do not belong to us but to God alone, so we are to live as stewards of our God-given bodies prior to marriage and within the bonds of marriage.
Toward that end, sex is an echo of the great and mysterious relationship between Christ and the church. When we join ourselves to another in sexual intimacy, we reflect the perfect intimacy between God and His people. That is our created purpose, and that is the proper category in which sex belongs, before anything else.
All of that to say, sex is not an ultimate good. When married couples speak as thought it is we set singles up to feel bitter toward God for withholding such an ultimate blessing. We also tempt singles to treat sex the way the culture does–as a basic right that they should not be expected to live without.
But the purpose of sex is not to serve ourselves. The created purpose of sex is to reflect the intimacy between Christ and the church within the relationship of Christian marriage.
Let me close by suggesting that contrary to popular opinion, single people should not be dependent upon married people to develop a robust theology of sex. Yes, singles should certainly listen to married couples–otherwise they would be excluding a great majority of teachings from the church. However, the two greatest Christian teachers of all time were both single and that is a tradition we should continue. From Jesus and Paul we know that one does not have to be married to have a godly understanding of sexuality. In fact, we need the voices of single people if we are to understand sexuality properly. And we need single people if we are to conduct these conversations in a way that edifies the entire body, not just married people.
Single brothers and sisters, the church needs you. When it comes to discussions about sex, your voice matters.
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About the Author
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- From: sheworships
- Name: Sharon
- About Me: Sharon Hodde Miller is a North Carolina girl, born and raised! She is originally from Charlotte, NC, and she received her undergraduate degree and Masters of Divinity from Duke University. Sharon has worked for Proverbs 31 Ministries where she was a contributing writer to the ministry’s daily devotions and radio broadcasts. She has written for Relevant Magazine’s online articles, Lifeway’s Collegiate Magazine, Ungrind Webzine, and she continues to write and minister to women all over the world about being a Christian woman in an ever-changing culture. Sharon currently lives in Durham, North Carolina with her husband, who is currently pursuing a Master of Divinity at Duke Divinity School. If you would like to contact her regarding a speaking or writing opportunity, if you have any questions, or would like to submit a blog topic, please e-mail her at sharon(at)sheworships(dot)com.
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Comments (17)
"Just before my husband walked into the church on our wedding day, my
pastor said to him, “Prepare to have the worst sex of your life.” By
this he meant that no one is a pro at first. For a lot of married
couples, sex has a slow learning curve and it takes time to really enjoy
it. For most people, it’s not mind-blowing the first time–or the 20th." I love it. That's some good brutal truth right there.
What if no one will marry you because they want to have sex first?
@mycontinuity@xanga - A Christian would not want to marry that type of person anyway. Considering Christianity is a popular religion I'm pretty sure it's not too hard to find people who don't believe in premarital sex.
I was told once that I would never find a man to marry me without having sex first. I made the decision when I was 13 that I would be a virgin when I got married (based more on the fact that I am adopted then my faith) and 2 guys tried to take that decision from me. I am thankful God intervened and they were stopped.
Well, I knew that God already had my man picked out, and I was right.
And neither of us had sex before marriage.
The best thing about it? We are eachother's firsts, and onlys.. which means we have nothing to compare to and the rest of our lives to practice.. and you know they say that practice makes perfect =)
There is a great book by Dr Kevin Leman called Sheet Music, and I have bought it for several of my friends (and 2 cousins) who got married recently.
Excellent article!
maybe i've been called to celibacy. there's evidence in my life and personality, though i'm not sure, and who knows what will change as i get older. in any case, i'm a gay Christian who's a virgin at the age of almost-26 (happy birthday to me next week!). i'm not looking for marriage or partnership at this point; above the fact that my body is this political and religious battleground about whether i was called to celibacy by default of my orientation, maybe partnership isn't for me. sometimes the sex talks get on my nerves; before i stopped going to
church earlier this year, i'd gotten to the point where i was no longer
willing to sit through sermons and lessons about marriage. i was tired of it being the standard, and really, what was the point? i wasn't inviting married friends of mine to seminars about single life, so why would i need to learn any more about marriage?
what i notice as i think more about singleness is that there's a lot of conversation about how the evangelical church especially has few established traditions in place in support of the perennially single. we know there's a problem, but we don't know the solution.
i'm hoping to move somewhere in africa with the peace corps this year, and i've had this idea that, perhaps with a shift in cultural understandings of community, some of my rootlessness will be answered, at least for awhile. it's hard to be single, sure. but i think it's harder, during the moments i don't want it, to look at the future and know that my singleness isn't because of a lack of marketability or attractiveness, but maybe just the simple fact of things beyond my control.
@ZerosRequiem@xanga - I'm in the same boat. I'm afraid I have nothing wise to say, but you are not the only one. Blessings!
Great post, truth and a real eye opener. I never heard of sex in such perspective. Thank you. God bless you
@mycontinuity@xanga - then I believe that person puts their focus on the physical connection rather than the commitment.
Sex got me pregnant. Duh. I should have refrained from having sex, but no I wanted to feel "loved." So now I'm a single mom.
If you're going to have sex period, at least know that it's for procreation too.. not just for love or fun
@mycontinuity@xanga - You do not want to marry the person who would put the condition of having sex first on it. That is bull crap.
In reply to the post...
As a non married, virgin 24 year old guy, I appreciate this article. Too little about sex is talked about among singles. While this is changing, it is still a fact. I appreciate the conversation being started on here and encourage singles to reflect on the reasons they either a) refrain from sex or b) do not refrain from sex.
I think, from what I've heard, everything that is going on has become extremely unholy and are things that should not be talked about, among the reasons are what have been listed here as the way that it can and does affect our single brethren.
With such a severe lack of understanding of the gospel, why are we spending so much more time talking about sex (which is actually pretty easy to figure out on your own)?
This was a very well written post and pastors of all denominations would do well to read it!
There are marriages out there that are celibate because of health reasons. The lack of sex does not make them any less "perfect" or loving. That's a large problem today- most people think if they can't get what they want in the bedroom its ok to either cheat or divorce.
If that is all or even most of what you base your marriage on, your marriage is doomed from the get-go!
Excellent article. I have a lot to say but not sure how exactly. Being a single male and Christian is difficult, especially when I have looked for youth ministry jobs in the past. I fully admit to feeling inadequate when it came to teaching about dating, marriage, and sex; not because I have no opinion and dont see or know what scripture says, but because I havent had that expereince and everyone would know I dont "know" so would they really listen or just listen with a slight sense of "yeah ok, but your single, so not really 100%, right?"
The odd thing is you dont have a lot of true talk about marriage, even among married individuals because they dont want to look bad in front of their couple friends... and teenagers, young adults, and singles dont talk about it because they are too young and shouldnt be thinking like that. In the church, Sex is talked about as important and vital, "married couples go have sex now for the glory of God" OR "it is time to show how faithful you are and fast from sex now". But these kind of sermons almost spit in the face of singles (some estimate 1/3 of the church now), because we cannot do something we arent supposed to do to be pure and we cannot call it fasting if we never do it. If fasting from sex makes couples more holy, then singles committed to not having (pre-marital) sex should be the freakin leaders of the church! ha ha, right?
i must admit i don't really understand this article like i probably should but i'v been searching through many articles on various websites because at the moment i'm feeling very confused and worried. im posting here because from the comments i'v read the people here make me feel like i'll get the best advise. basically i'm 18 years old (almost 19 in a week) and a little over a year ago i met my boyfriend, and he was my first serious boyfriend i always wanted to abstain until i got married but my life has been on a path for the worst for a few years now and i'm only now in the process of turning it around(iv been christian since birth) and i lost my virginity with my boyfriend a little while after my 18th birthday, we've been dating for 13 months now and in that time we've had sex about 5 times. my questions are firstly which commandments are the reference for the no sex before marriage (because between adultery and coveting it only speaks about married life and desiring possessions and lovelessly lusting for pleasure) but im very much in love with him and even thou we arent married we're still a couple so i wanted to know am i still breaking a commandment or some other rule by having sex with him because we might not be married but we are a couple and we're not cheating or desiring or lusting ect, its purely out of love so i wanted advise because im only seeing teachings on married couples or lusting or desiring outside of love... i was thinking (i havent been baptised so i want to get my life back together before i start fresh on a clean slate) i dont mind abstaining from sex from now on until im married but is there a rule against doing other intimate things (besides sex) with a partner you're very much inlove with and plan on marrying or is it wrong to do anything at all? i cant find anything against that from the commandments because those situations dont apply here, im not doing anything outside of marriage (becuase we're not married we're only dating) and im not lusting with loveless intentions? also i want to know even wen it says in the bible that the Lord will forgive our sins if we ask it and in other parts it talks about certain people with certain sins not being allowed to enter heaven... is sex before marriage one of those sins that are unforgivable or punishable even if i ask for forgiveness? please only answer if you have good knowlege of the bible and faith and the messaging in the bible with reference to our life and how we are seen and judged by God. i really need a proper wise answer right now not a personal opinion just the right opinion based on the bible and God's expectations.
@Tegz - The Bible doesn't teach premarital sex is a sin. In essence, when you begin a sexual relationship with someone you love and intend to hold onto, you are married, unless your family disagrees. (Exodus 22:16-17). People sometimes read another passage about a girl who was found to have "played the whore in her father's house", and wasn't a virgin for her husband-- but they fail to recognize that a betrothed woman was considered married to her husband to be; the contract had been signed and she had been paid for to be a virgin on her wedding day. These things were crucially important in the economic and social environment of that day. The reason such a girl would be punished is because her "pre-marital sex" was actually adultery. But, the case I pointed out to you in Exodus shows that there was no punishment for the girl or guy who had sex before marriage, since the girl was not betrothed, i.e. married under the law.
The practice of waiting until marriage to have sex is simply a good tradition that is based on the practicalities of sex: there is an emotional bond and there is a likelihood of pregnancy. God says that sex "makes the two one flesh, married forever, and no one is to separate them according to Jesus". So, what i'm saying is that you are already married in God's eyes. You should do the right thing in the eyes of your combined families and announce your vows to one another.
On the other hand, sex in and of itself does not create a marriage. There has to be an agreement as well. If your agreement with your boyfriend isn't long term with the concept of bearing his children, then you are basically in the status of a concubine to him, a temporary wife. Its your decision which way you want to go with this, but it sounds to me like you should declare yourselves to be married, exchange rings, and go to the JOP to make it legit in man's eyes.
@Tegz - It's nice to read of people like you who are desperate for the truth. I was almost in your shoes, but had to face the truth. No matter how sincere you are or how strong your desires/emotions, it is a sin to sleep with someone you are not married to. Don't let anyone justify or explain it away. The Bible is very clear on this issue - " ...abstain from fornication" (I Thess 4:3) and "flee from fornication" I Cor 6:18. This verses are strongly worded enough to make us give any tempting situation a wide berth. And it starts by keeping your heart clean from sinful lusts and desires (Prov. 4:23; James 1:14-15). Be willing to wait till marriage. Develop a vibrant relationship with Jesus and He'll help you remain faithful. Spend quality time reading the Word of God and praying for strength. You will also need to decisively but gently discuss your convictions with your partner, no matter how diffficult this may seem. Will you be willing to put God first and love Him above all (Matt 6:33)? Remember He owns your very life and you owe it to Him.
Can God forgive you for this? Of course, He can. If you are God's child, just admit and confess your sin to Him and you are forgiven (I John 1: 8-9) - it's that simple, even for 'big' sins. Determine not to go back into sin.
"But within the community of the church, single people have an indispensible role in reminding the married that for all its joys and pleasures, life without sex is not one of drudgery or disappointment."
This does not apply only to single people. A sexual relationship between a married man and woman is often assumed as a given - and it does not necessarily need to be so. I realize married couples who do not have a sexual relationship are in the vast minority, in my experience as a happily married virgin (4 years! :) ), it is very much recommended! My husband and I came to the realization that we have been blessed by our desire for celibacy as our dedication to our mutual faith. I know this is not possible for all couples, but I encourage couples to strongly consider this option - it is truly a gift that allows a devotee ample time and energy for the work of Christ.