Monday, 26 December 2011
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Keeping Marital Intimacy Intimate
By Sharon at SheWorships
As many of you have probably heard, Mark Driscoll and his wife, Grace, are coming out with a new book called Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. I have not read the book so I will not comment on any of its contents here, but I have heard that it gets into explicit detail about sexual acts and whether or not those acts are permissible.
Driscoll has a track record of frankness about such questions, and if you are interested in reading a great response to the explicit nature of Driscoll’s book, check out Tim Challies’ take here and here. I would especially encourage you to click on that second link, in which Challies responds to Driscoll’s perspective on plastic surgery. Challies said almost everything I would have said on the issue, for which I am very grateful.
So back to Driscoll. Driscoll’s book is just one leg of an interesting discussion about the extent to which Christians should be talking about sex When I first heard about Real Marriage and the issues it takes on, I asked my husband what he thought. His answer surprised me. I expected a knee-jerk rejection but instead he was sympathetic. As he reasoned, people are asking these questions and the church needs to have an answer.
In the above links, Challies wrestles with where to draw the line on that logic. He wonders if there are some topics that are so foul that they don’t deserve a pulpit…or a book. But, Challies concedes, some questions require answers. In that regard, I find myself gravitating toward Challies’ sentiment.
While this topic is one that I continue to think through, I have developed a more concrete opinion on the larger trend of Christians talking about sex. Driscoll’s book is just one aspect of a larger trend in which evangelicals have increasingly embraced explicit conversations about sex. And while I believe there is a time and a place for those conversations (I personally make an exception for friends who are about to get married and need guidance or advice), I also believe we need to handle these conversations with care.
As we think about the nature of marital intimacy and how to discuss it, there are several questions that can guide us: What keeps marital intimacy intimate? Is sex intimate simply because it is an act shared between two people alone? Or is more required?
I tend to believe that marital intimacy, to be truly intimate, must be about more than fidelity. Like intimacy with God, marital intimacy goes beyond what we do. For instance, spiritual fidelity–ie. reading your Bible, praying, and going to church–is not enough to be intimate with God. There is also a heart component to the equation. Intimacy with God is not achieved by the mere doing of a faithful act, but it is part of a larger context that includes intentionality, love, discipline, and worship.
Likewise, sexual intimacy with a spouse is not merely a fun extracurricular activity we get to indulge in with our spouses and then brag about later. It goes beyond monogamy. It is an intentional act by which we become close with our spouse on a physical, emotional and even spiritual level. Although sex is, by its very nature, intimate, a lack of intentionality, love, relationship, and esteem for the other can very well detract from that intimacy.
But returning to the question of talk about sex–and here I mean divulging personal details about your own sexual relationship to other people–this is dangerous territory. It is particularly dangerous when it comes to men. Given how visual men are, I cannot help but wonder about the visual images that come to mind when a man describes his sex life to other men. Even when avoiding the details, I wonder if men are tempted to fill in those visual gaps on their own, which cannot be honoring to either man’s wife.
Over-sharing about one’s sexual life, even without great detail, is a way of inviting other people into your bedroom. Because of this reality, we need to exercise caution when it comes to talk about sex. Not because sex is dirty, but because God designed it to be intimate.
Much of the sex-talk trend is an over-reaction to a long established stigma attached to sex. Sex was viewed as dirty and coarse, and Christians wanted to reclaim the goodness and beauty of sex. I applaud that effort. However, sex is designed for marriage alone, which means there is something about sex that reflects the intimacy between Christ and the church. There is something sacred and even worshipful about sex, and our language needs to reflect that theological truth. I am not sure that all of our talk about sex these days is of the holy kind, but we should aim for it to be.
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About the Author
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- From: sheworships
- Name: Sharon
- About Me: Sharon Hodde Miller is a North Carolina girl, born and raised! She is originally from Charlotte, NC, and she received her undergraduate degree and Masters of Divinity from Duke University. Sharon has worked for Proverbs 31 Ministries where she was a contributing writer to the ministry’s daily devotions and radio broadcasts. She has written for Relevant Magazine’s online articles, Lifeway’s Collegiate Magazine, Ungrind Webzine, and she continues to write and minister to women all over the world about being a Christian woman in an ever-changing culture. Sharon currently lives in Durham, North Carolina with her husband, who is currently pursuing a Master of Divinity at Duke Divinity School. If you would like to contact her regarding a speaking or writing opportunity, if you have any questions, or would like to submit a blog topic, please e-mail her at sharon(at)sheworships(dot)com.
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Comments (34)
I wholeheartedly agree. Brilliant post.
Sharon - you remain the best contributor to Revelife ... but do you read the comments on your posts?
I wish I could bring this point more home into the hearts of some of my male friends. This is an excellent topic and excellent post.
I like Driscoll most of the time. I appreciate his honesty and frankness. But sometimes he's off the wall. He seems to confuse masculinity with eating beer, drinking wings, and being physically strong. I also remember the sermon where he talked about how evil and demonic the movie Avatar is.
I definitely like the perspective in this post. It's great that we explore those topics, but as a pastor I definitely wouldn't want to go into detail about my sex life with my wife. I think it's important that we teach that sex acts should be between a husband and his wife, and they should both feel loved, honored and respected in those acts. As far as the specifics, those are each couple's business.
Marital intimacy is easy! Just agree to stop committing adultery with everyone you meet, and voila! You're married! Now, if you're together under fraudulent circumstances, and don't actually care about each other, then you at least have each other for the monetary and sexual benefits society allows you to have as a married person. Yay for you!
Adam and Eve didn't need a marriage license. Neither does anyone else, unless they want a tax break or an excuse for a lot of free stuff from their relatives and friends.
I'm not that greedy.
If the relationship goes sour, I temporarily convert to Islam, call it a temporary marriage, become a prophet, annul the marriage, and then try to avoid all the crazy white people who want to kill me for being muslim!
Have you ever heard of Theology of the Body? I think you would love it. It goes into depth about how sacred sex is, how it allows us to take part in God's creation of new life, and how it's a reflection of God's selfless love. My comment will do it no justice.
@tst08@xanga - I am a Christian and the thing about converting to Islam is kind of wrong, but I completely understand where you're coming from. I just started reading the old test. and people getting married does not involve a ceremony that I have read about yet, but I'm only in Exodus. Either way it seems christians only accept the modernization of marriage as sacred and holy, and I don't think that's fully correct. I intend to honor it until I get married next year, but it is only something i have chosen to do because it feels right to me. But that's probably only because my idea of marriage always consisted of a marriage license and a ceremony. People do that all the time, and it has nothing to do with God, love, or honoring their spouse. I can't help but wonder if marriage to someone before God has a little more to do emotions and committment than signing on the dotted line.
@julz25 -
7Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.
8To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit,
9to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit,
10
]"="">[a]to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another
distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds
of tongues,
and to still another the interpretation of tongues.
]"="">[b]11All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.
@tst08@xanga - I can't say I really understand what you're pointing out there. I don't see the relevance.
@julz25 - I know. It was complete foolishness, right?
@tst08@xanga - Not foolishness at all in the respect that I received several gifts when I received the holy spirit, but I just didn't know why you referenced that there. Care to explain?
"to another faith by the same Spirit" by my translation into common sense, means "who cares what rules and regulations you channel your faith through. God accepts worship from muslims if they worship God. God accepts worship from Satanists if they worship God (not that many do), God accepts worship regardless of which faith you apply your belief to."
I live my life by this tenet and I have not suffered a distance in my relationship with God. God doesn't even mind when I call him Satan. What's in a name?
"The day will come when you will no longer call me Baal"
The day will come when we realize that the letter G and the sound J didn't come into existence until the 15th century. Yehova, Yehua, Yauau. God. Beelzebub. They're just phonetic labels. Some of them more closely related to how "God" "himself" would apply labels to himself if HE were human.
What do you think Jesus calls God when he's chillin in heaven? "O Powerful Redeemer and blessed I AM, we're out of toilet paper. Can you run to the store for me?"
@tst08@xanga - To deny that God is at work in a person's life no matter WHAT they are doing is BLASPHEMY of the Holy Spirit. It's just that sometimes God is hard at work damning that person to hell. Don't get in his way, or you'll get caught in the yoke.
I dated a pagan girl, and God blessed me and saved her by association.
Then we broke up, and she lost her salvation. Sorry, God! I was just trying to be normal!
I completely agree with you, Sharon! This is a wonderful post and really gets to the heart of the matter. I feel that sex is a very important part of an adult relationship but it's easily cheapened by talk. I think that if someone has questions concerning it (a soon to be newly wed, someone needing advice, or someone reaching adulthood), it's best to discuss the more intimate parts without being overly graphic. It's possible to give good advice without divulging too many intimate details. And sex without the connection to your spouse is just "doing it", there's more to it than just the act. Well written post!
@tst08@xanga
I encourage you to study I John 4 in conjunction with the Gospel of John. Yahweh does not accept worship from anyone regardless of what they believe, just because they call on "God" or whatever their name for Him is. Just like any other book, the Bible should be studied as a cohesive whole, not piecemeal.
Your argument assumes that people can get to God on their own by doing things the way humans see fit. But God is God, and He gets to determine the relationship, not man's efforts. Christ says in Matthew 7:21 that "Not everyone who says to me, "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." There are many names to call upon, many things that humans can try to do to get to God, but unless they do the will of the Father, they won't make it. We can't find relationship with Him until we humble ourselves and choose to listen to Him, to put aside our selfishness and try to do things His way. We don't do works in order to get saved, but Christ says that if we love Him, we would do His commandments. This makes sense in human terms--when giving gifts or planning things for our friends, we think about what types of things would please them. If our friend likes fishing but doesn't like soccer, then if we are a good friend we would listen and buy them a pole or arrange to go fishing; a good friend would not give a soccer ball or sign up their friend to play in a tournament. If our friend likes action movies, then we arrange to go to an action movie, not a chic flick. God has given us Christ as the example of how to please Him. For us to reject God's instructions is like telling Him that we don't care what He thinks--we'll do it our way. If people behaved like that towards their friends, then they wouldn't have many friends.
@NeverLoseHope11@xanga - That was exactly what I was thinking. I've only recently been saved, but I know the only way to God is through Jesus Christ. Despite what many people may believe, a relationship can be had with the devil just as one can be had with God. The devil is very confusing and tricky and people who think God is approving of sin, blasphemy, and any other thing that Jesus didn't teach should wake up. They may not be getting their answers from where they think they are. I know this because I have recently gone through weeks of dealing with attacks from the devil. There were things he was telling me that I thought were coming from God. I remained diligent in my prayer, and after weeks of torment God revealed the lies to me. There was one lie the devil fed me that I believed, and it was against what God already told me. It was in regard to a spiritual gift of healing He had given me. The devil was using people around me to convince me that I was basically small and unimportant and probably an idiot. God had already told me He had a great purpose for me here, and I initially embraced that. The devil used people around me to convince me that there was something wrong with me for thinking God would use me for anything really important. I thought I would humble myself before God and accept a gift of helping others because if I was happy that He answered my healing prayers it was only because I was proud. This is what the devil wanted me to believe! I didn't ask God to heal anyone for three weeks, and the devil was almost constantly with me during that time. I couldn't figure out why all I could feel around me was the presence of evil and not God. God later revealed to me that when I put my faith in that lie and chose to live by it the devil became my Lord. Once I bound that lie and began truly doing God's work the devil left me.Satan is a decietful liar, and if a person is not really trying to live their life for God but in a way that is convenient to them, I think they are even more at risk of the devil's attacks. He will use that person's selfishness and ignorance to trick them into thinking God approves of this or that. Even the smallest amount of faith in the devil's lies puts a wedge between that person and God. I now know from experience that we all have to be very careful about where we put our faith and trust what God tells us and what Jesus taught us.
I agree with you that need to keep marital intimacy intimate but after that religion in her extreme can lead to regime enforcing strict obedience and complete subservience to it at the expense of freedom including sexual.
I find it extremely presumptuous to say who and what God designed sex for. We should not assume we know his/her 'mind'. The Bible was written by man, and man alone.
@tst08@xanga - What happened to the crazy Muslim people who wanted to kill you for being a Christian? Just sayin'.
@Boogalice@xanga - Theyǘe
turned into crazy Christians who want to RAPE me for being muslim.
Project Tailhook, anyone? FUCK your country and itś mind-controlled
rapists. Weŕe not cavemen anymore. Itś still rape even if you take her out to dinner first, you SICK nation of peer-pressuring HEDONISTS
The only reason Muslims want to kill Christians is the same reason everyone else in the world wants to kill Christians. THEY COVER UP AND SUPPORT PEDOPHILIA AND MIND CONTROL THEIR CHILDREN.
@NeverLoseHope11@xanga - I don´t read documents written by the master race. God chose the Jews because they were the most deplorable human beings alive, and most in need of salvation. Not because they were better than us cattle and goyim.
@tst08@xanga - There's broken stuff on both sides of the line. Just don't forget that.
@tst08@xanga - Btw. Do your homework on Christians. Sounds like you're falling victim to hysterical hate-ramblings.
@Boogalice@xanga - There is no line. Just Poor Jesus Christ mind controlled by the Jews into becoming a human sacrifice victim just like they've done since the beginning of time.
Only difference is, Jesus was God and He knew about it the whole time, and made sure he took on everybody's sins so he could be damned lower than lucifer. When Paul made the lowest member of the church the highest, he made Jesus Christ the Pope. Yesterday, today, and forever.
Fuck you boogalice I've been Christian since before I was born.