Monday, 26 December 2011
By Amy at Make Me a Mary
I got the news today of someone’s death, and the text I got simply said ”she met Jesus at 12:27 am”.
And I felt jealous. I cried not out of sadness, but because I long to meet Him, too.
And then I felt ungrateful because one of my most fervent prayers as a mother has been Please, God, don’t let me die and the twins be orphaned … let me live to raise my children and to know my grandchildren (and could I maybe even babysit my great-grandchildren?).
But I get so tired sometimes. As I sit here on the Christmas night looking over Facebook, Twitter, and Instragram, it’s just an onslaught of “sitting by the fire with hubby” pictures and posts and I’m stung by every single one.
I’m worn out with the responsibility of shopping and spending and wrapping and taking pictures, and no partner to share in all the fun and frenzy or even the worship. I’m the one who leads, always, and it’s just not easy because the Lord didn’t design a family to be this way.
Yet here we are, and I think about how it’s been a hard Christmas all the way around. This empty place remains–and still, even still, I try to fill it with the wrong things by forgetting to seek the one and only Right Thing.
And the emptiness overwhelms again, a thousand times again, beckoning me to that dark place where the lies tell me I’ll be on my own forever. And even if they really are just lies, I know I have to face that possibility–
because next time (should there be one) I will not settle.
It’s all goes back to trust, and I know that even if He calls me to stay the course alone, I’m never really alone.
So, I realize it’s okay to long for Home as long as I’m willing to carry out His purpose for me during my time here on earth, however long that might take. But waiting expectantly for His plan to unfold becomes especially daunting in the fog of weariness and discouragement.
With that said, it’s time for some praise and thanksgiving. There’s nothing else like it to get a weary soul out of her funk.