Friday, 11 November 2011
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Have I Lost My Place in His Kingdom?
[Editor's Note: This post contains very personal confessions about painful sin. Please be sensitive to this in your comments.]What is wrong with me? Every time I keep falling in the same sin. It's always me on my knees asking for forgiveness over the same sin over and over again. I know that it's sin, and I'm pretty much aware when am doing it. But it's so hard to stop doing it, no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't work out.
I have grown up in a Christian family, but I was never serious about it. I lived a normal life, in that I did not abuse myself in any way. I met different people with different character, but none of their character could change me to be like them. There are a few bad things I grew up with -- deceit and lust.
I used deceit as a self-defense mechanism, but it grew to an extent of just enjoying lies. I would wake up in the morning, make up stories and tell my friends.
At the age of about 6 or so, I lived with my aunt, and I remember standing in front of her and her husband as they were starting to have sex. From then on, I had sex with my friends; as long as I had a female friend, we did it.
By the age of 10, I stopped doing this, because opportunities were no more as I changed from place to place. From that point onwards, deceit was the character -- until the age of 15, when deceit joined hands with another character.
At 15 years old, I was a player on a baseball team. We were camping for the next day's tournament at school. We had to spend a night in the staff room, a self-contained room with DSTV. While we were watching some movies, the guys changed the channel to an adult station, and it was a porn movie. That was the beginning of porn watching in my life, and it turned me to be a dirty minded person. I never stopped undressing people in my head.
At the age of 17, I was introduced to Christianity. This was my best year -- a year of change. I become so committed, more prayerful and with loads of desire to work for God.
I fought deceit and it was defeated; I am a trustworthy person now. I don't lie anymore. The problem now for which I need your help is this:
Most of the time, when I go on Internet, I am compelled to watch pornography. I have been fighting this for three years now. Sometimes I overcome and feel as though it's gone. I'll go for a few months without watching it, sometimes just a week.
But even though I watch porn, I am not dirty anymore. I refuse to undress people most especially; I respect my girlfriend very much. People of God help me get rid of this desire. I really don't love it -- I hate it very much, but why do I still do it? The last time did it I was frustrated. So, I had to continue for three days.
I keep asking for forgiveness over the same sin. I feel as though am taking for granted God's mercies, love and forgiveness. I have sought help from above several times. I don't know if help came, and I didn't get. I can't even defend myself. I know what is right and wrong. To be honest, I don't even know how to approach His thrown right now. What am I going to say that I have never said before? I am so ashamed that I feel the heavens are so very disappointed with me. I am losing it all. I can't stand another moment to be called a child of the devil.
Do I still have a place in his kingdom or I have lost it?
If you feel comfortable sharing, have you also battled similar habitual sins? What resources are there -- devotions, computer programs, support groups -- that might help our friend face and finally break free of these sins? What encouragement can you provide?
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Comments (24)
If a sacrifice that was sufficient for all mankind is to be believed, then there is no possible way it can be lost. Do away with guilt. Be at peace, and continue to do your best to "sin nor more."
I am so sad for the little child that was you. To have so much wrong done to you to get you to this place my heart weeps, and so does Gods.
The rest of your life is ahead of you with so much promise. We can't overcome all our hurt and habits without help. If it is directly from God and his power that is great but we all need to have someone help. I know what helped me in my hardest times is having a few people who struggle with the same temptations keeping me in check. I would suggest you go out and find a christian group that is trying to overcome the porn addiction. It seems lame but that is what they are there for... to help and lift eachother up when times are hard without the judgement that comes from those that can't possibly understand what that addiction is like.
As for your praying, it truely isn't the word what one says that God hears it is your heart. HE sees you. He Knows you, He knows your every move, He knows what you are going through, He sees inside you. He knows every step you have gone through. The amazing thing about God is he is right there waiting to truely help when you get to that point of you not being able to do this under your own strenght. He is there waiting to lift you in his arms and walk through this time with you cradled in his loving arms.
While you are going through this ask for prayer, Find a group to pray regularly for you with you.
As for are you lost? I can only say God knows your heart and he is the only one besides you that can say yes or no. Just remember Satan is the great deciever he will do anything including lie to you to make you feel like you lost your place with God.
I will be praying for you that this addiction will loose its hold on you and you will be free to feel the love of God.
saving grace actually can be lost, yet God's mercy is endless... however it's not like you can just assume God will forgive you because that's being presumptious. God's love is a gift. honestly, having battled these same kinds of issues myself and finally finding peace within God's Holy Catholic Church, i think i know what i'm talking about. In no way do want to push anything on you, but i highly recommend at least that you consider talking to a Catholic priest about this stuff. despite what the media says about the Church and Her servants, most priests are in love with Jesus Christ and serve His Bride faithfully and truthfully, and can help guide you into the fullness of truth.
The only sin for which you cannot be forgiven is failure to repent. So long as you are still asking "do I still have a place in the Kingdom?" there is a place for you. I have to disagree with my brother who commented before me: you absolutely can assume God will forgive you because he said we are to forgive our brother who commits the same sin against us "70 times 7 times." If He expects that of us, how can we possibly think He will not forgive us every time we ask of it in sincerity? God says He will forgive all who repent. To consider that this isn't true is to call God a liar, and I would never want to be guilty of that.
Bless you my dear brother. You are truly a child of God.
I'm going to answer this from a Jewish perspective (I'm Messianic Jew). This if from my favorite rabbi's weblog:
"The Talmud also teaches that a Heavenly court judges the world in general and each person in particular, every single day. All court decisions must receive the final approval of The Almighty, who is much more merciful and compassionate than the court is. Frequently, G-d delays the implementation of an unfavorable decision against a person, to give that person an opportunity for self-evaluation.When a person mends his or her ways, G-d cancels the verdict altogether. Double jeopardy is illegal in the Heavenly court.Therefore, when a person admits guilt after self-evaluation, he or she has in effect conducted his or her own mental courtroom. The heavenly court is no longer allowed to try the case. If the court has already tried the person, but has not yet activated the sentence, then the sentence is nullified.If a person makes no change in the behavior that led to a guilty verdict, then the spiritual sentencing manifests itself in some type of affliction in this world. The resulting suffering from a person's own deeds is therefore self-induced...........Once a person decides to improve in some way, two things happen: One, The Almighty grants the person's decision the validity of a Heavenly court decision. Two, all punishment is cancelled. As soon as a person decides to improve - even if the decision hasn't been fully implemented - G-d no longer needs to use punitive stimuli to stimulate that person's improvement. Also, The Almighty takes keen interest in a person's self-evaluation, and always listens when a person judges him/herself."Basically as long as you are trying to improve yourself, your judgement is postponed. The Rabbi also has a wonderful post about spiritual hygiene. You can find it here http://www.lazerbrody.typepad.com/lazer_beams/page/6/, under his blog for Oct 2. I sincerely hope you can over come your addiction, and your frustrated feelings after indulging show that you are on your way to doing just that. Maybe you should try to find something that will occupy your mind when you have the urge to watch it. Even if you succeed once out of every three times, that's an improvement. Eventually you will work your way to resisting every time. Perhaps this is a test of your faith to God, by continually striving to overcome the addiction. Good luck with your test, you can overcome it.
I would strongly recommend that you find someone within your church an elder or your pastor or even a counsellor from outside the church if you prefer, but the best way to beat it, is to be able to tell someone and have someone to be acountable to. I urge you to do this as soon as possible before it starts to have a negative effect on your relationships.
My husband got caught up in viewing porn on-line and it led to him abusing me, he did not understand what he had become and told our pastor, who found us both the help we needed and we are trying to keep our marriage together now.
Please confide in someone. And you will not lose your salvation from God, when you asked Him into your life it was to forgive sins past, present and future. He loves you and always will.
I was introduced to sex way too early too, as was my little brother. Unfortunately we did not really understand what it was, which lead to some almost incestuous behavior a couple of times when our ages were in still the single digits. It is probably the single greatest shame of my life, and I was in and out of therapy for almost a decade before I finally was able to admit it to another human being (my counselor and also a close peer from group therapy) and begin to reconcile myself with the facts that I was a victim and I was too young and innocent to understand what I was participating in.
I don't think this bars me from my place in His kingdom, and I don't think you would be kept out either. One of the few things I am sure of in this life is that God's love & mercy are greater than our human minds are even capable of comprehending. When I start to (usually, upon later reflection, found to be incorrectly) feel like I am a bad person, I keep in mind the verse 1 Peter 4:8.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
In my heart I know that's what really counts.
:( Hm. Quite honestly (and I know this doesn't really help--sorry), I don't know. I think it's a key point in your favor that you hate your sin and try your best to overcome it. In the Bible, God is more lenient and merciful with a repentant soul that aches to follow Him. I would suggest finding a support group that can understand your struggle and give you new resources to conquer your addiction.
Take heart--God's mercy knows no bounds, even in the face of weak-willed humanity. He's heard it all, seen it all. If He can nullify the world's sin, He can forgive yours.
I don't know if this will help or not, but what about going to some kind of counseling or therapy meetings for people with addictions to porn? And like someone above mentioned, tell someone (a pastor, elder, etc.) to keep you accountable.
I don't make a habit of saying much online anymore, but this situation is near to something I've experienced. I suggest reading, learning, praying about, and growing in what is taught in 1st John.
May you find peace in Christ and grow as a new creation.
I relate with your struggle. I struggle with sexual temptation throughout the week, and I often cave in to what my body wants me to do. Often it feels like a losing battle. On my better days, I do my best to trust that God who loves is also God who heals.
The lie that Satan recites to us when we succumb to the flesh is "You're no good. Where is God? Where is your salvation, now? You're no better than you were before" The reason I know that it's a lie is that everyone who was close with God heard this lie repeated to them. David, in his sexual sin, thought God had already cast him away out of his salvation - you can tell that he's literally afraid that he's no longer saved. Others, like Peter, struggled their whole lives with prejudices. Elijah gave up hope once and said "Take my life away, because I'm no better than my fathers." These were powerful men of God who doubted God's grace because of the lie that Satan puts inside of them.
Against all of that, know that what gives you eternal life is not doing every right thing. It's not defeating sin next month. "This is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." Continue to have a relationship with God. Stay in conversation with him. Imagine how hard it was for David to cry out to God despite his shame - he killed a man and slept with the man's wife. Instead of hiding, he came out into the open and prayed. Keep in constant conversation with God, no matter how far or close to him you feel. Even in your weakness he is strong, and even when you are faithless, he is faithful, for he cannot deny himself. To know God is to have eternal life. Keep your focus on that - to know God more, to know his love in all dimensions of height and depth and width, to be rooted in Christ. "Seek him" and "his righteousness". Other things will gradually change.
Do me a favor and read 1 John 1. Just take some time out of your week and read it slowly, sentence by sentence, and I'll pray that God minister to you.
If you wanna ever talk dude, just know you're not alone, we're here for ya.
From what you said, I don't think you have lost your place in His kingdom, do you trust in Jesus as your savior (He is the only way)?
He will help you overcome. You have to remember that when you ask for forgiveness, you are forgiven (if that is something you are worried about)! God knows you heart, keep praying to the Lord about it. He is the KING of salvation and forgiveness, life and death. There is nothing that He can't help you overcome. You can talk to Him about anything, and everything, He made you. It is Jesus who perfects our imperfections and only Him.
Romans 8, and before that Romans 7 talks about Paul and struggling with sin, and life through the Spirit (I'm using a teen study bible, NIV). He has also said He was one of the worst of sinners, but Jesus saved Him - 1 Timothy 1 12-17
God bless you!!!
:D
I like this verse,
"He who began a complete work in you will carry it on to completion till the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
Philippians 4:8 is a good verse. A believer in Christ has the Holy Spirit to guide them and help them understand the bible! It helps to remind yourself He is with you always. 1 Corinthians 6:19
Hebrews 10 1-18 (Christ's sacrifice once and for all): verses 15-18 says - "The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First He says:
"This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the LORD. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds." Then He adds: "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more." And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin."
Think about how special you and everyone else is to God, how important your life is. Maybe pray for people if you feel tempted. Pray anyway, for help.
:)
When you are not sure what to do, don't run away from Him, but go straight to Him for help.
I have done that (ran away or avoided things) because I was afraid, but He already knows you and He wants to help you. Your relationship with Jesus matters more than anything!
I LOVE the verse Romans 8 28 -39. I posted about it on my page...it may help you. :)
Thank you so much for posting this. I've been wondering the same thing about myself for a couple years now and it's wonderful to know I'm not alone in thinking this. I think He forgives us no matter what. Obviously you care to keep going back to Him. Just give it time and be patient. All things turn out beautifully in His time. God Bless you! I'll pray for you
Wow, I'm so praying for you. I will not share my wounds with others publicly. I've share it with only a select few because of the deep wounding I received. It's not only painful to speak of but I would not open a path to voyeurism for anyone.
What I will tell you is that you can get healing from this and forgiveness is ALWAYS available to a sincere seeker. 1st John 1:9 bears that out. Paul also had a thorn (sin issue) in his side that he asked the Lord 3 times to remove but the Lord refused. This constant dealing with sin kept him humble and depended on G-d. That being said, there is such a thing as abusing Grace. That is when a person knows full well that they are sinning and the just plain don't care. They are bold sinners and expect to receive forgiveness regardless of what they do. That is when justice must step in.
Which, by the way, is not the same thing as battling an addiction - whether its metal, physical, spiritual or all the above- which is what you seem to be dealing with.
There are some Christian books out there that can help and a good professional councilor can help.
Victory of the Darkness, Battlefield of the Mind and Bondage Breakers.
If you want to try and work this out on your own or do not have the means to get help...
Then go to google and type in ASCA (Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse) There are a couple of sites it will bring up to help you on your way. One is marked as the Thriver Manual. Its very long to go through but you can kind of pick and choose what helps in it.
One thing to keep in mind when you go through it: It was written for a wide range of "seriousness" within issues so if it reads like they think you are ready to hurt your self or another- its cause they are covering all their bases.
May the Lord bless you with His powerful peace and remove that which hinders your walk with Him. amen.
And in answer to your question about your place in Heaven- NO! - you are safe in His hands and no one can pluck you from them! Your desire to beat this and the sorrow about the whole thing, shows that His Spirit is within you, busy drawing you to Himself for healing! His Peace to you!
being perfect for God is too high of an expectation to put on yourself. there's no way any human being can live up to a strict perfect moral code. we're human. we have some basic desires and inclinations that we barely are even aware of, it's like encoded in our genes. if God requires perfect performance in order to keep a spot in his kingdom, then we're all screwed.
First off, congratulations for working through what you have! That is a very strong feat - one most people don't even bother trying. You should be very proud of yourself for working as far as you have to get where you are today.
Now, understand that God is very loving and patient. God understands that you're working to overcome this final, painful issue in your life. God isn't here to hurt you, make you feel bad, or demean you because you're suffering. Instead, keep praying - not for forgiveness of having this issue, but for strength to overcome it. Prayer for negative things (being shameful of certain things in your life - I refuse to call them "sins" because your mind and heart don't want to do them) will get you nowhere but a pained and sad heart. Always pray for positive things - knowledge, compassion, understanding, patience.
Also, keep in mind that the more frustrated you become, the more blocked your mind will be, therein granting lack of success. Keep an open mind throughout the day. Do not be afraid of yourself or your thoughts. We're all prone to wacky ideas and desires within our minds. Do not put yourself down for this issue that you are facing. God wouldn't, and you shouldn't either. Any person that you share this with that puts you down isn't worth having in your life. I suggest creating a list of videos on YouTube full of positive meanings, silly things to keep you laughing, clips of horror movies to keep you on the edge of your seat - anything that will keep you compelled to watch more. Whenever you feel the urge to watch pornography, immediately go to your special list of videos and watch away. I would bookmark them directly on your internet browser for easy access so you're not compelled to drift further. If you're Catholic, pray the rosary. If you're not, keep a list of prayers on your person to go through each time you're feeling the urge to watch negative things. It also wouldn't hurt to talk to a therapist about this - a holy person may give you the wrong message, one of shame, which you do not need nor deserve for anyone, especially a man or woman claiming to be a person of God.
I wish you the best of luck in your personal healing process. I will pray for you as often as I can! I truly hope you are able to overcome this issue and that you no longer think so badly of yourself - this is a worse sin than you could imagine. For we are created in God's image ... shouldn't we love ourselves despite our human flaws?
I know what it feels like to struggle over-and-over again with the same sin. Some sins seem so easy to control with a little self-motivation, self-control, and lots of prayer. But what is it about sin related to our sexuality that is so difficult to conquer? I don't know. Maybe its the lethal combination of our sinful nature, the devil's schemes, and the world's tolerant/relative mindset regarding sin.
I can't really compare our situations directly (and while I could write pages about my story, my shame, and my Saviour's power, I wont go into detail because its not important...) but I can say I understand the pull that pornography has. I know! Its hard. For me its been baby steps.
Prayer ALWAYS is number one: before, during, or after temptation. We don't have the strength it takes to overcome sin but Jesus has overcome sin on the cross and as Christians we have the Holy Spirit dwelling in us!!!! Isn't that wonderful! That means that whenever we call on the Lord and let the Holy Spirit work in us we have the power to overcome whatever situation we face!
I tried admitting it to a friend thinking we could be accountability partners but she was of the mindset: "What wrong with pornography?" so that backfired. If you are in a position where you can seek out help from a counselor or an elder then that's great. But remember its only because of the talents and abilities God has given them that they are able to share their wisdom and communicate God's will. They themselves can't just magically make your sin problem disappear (only Jesus can do that).
The biggest thing that has helped me in overcoming that desire to look at porn has been thinking of all the people I'd let down if I continued... my parents, my Christian friends, my church community, my future husband, my Saviour.
I don't want to be that Christian that the world sees and is able to say "She says she's a Christian but she probably still does __________." Don't get me wrong I am not expecting to be completely perfect here on earth (in fact those related thoughts are still there- and believe me, God and I are working on that) but I have been empowered by the Creator of the World, I have the Holy Spirit living in me, and I have Jesus Christ on my side... there is no excuse for me not to change from my sinful ways. I want people to see me and say "Wow, I can totally see Jesus in her." because they can see what He's done in me and through me.
And regarding wondering if you've lost your place in His Kingdom: only YOU and GOD know the answer to that question. Instantly changing from utterly sinful to completely perfect isn't possible, its a process (called sanctification) that isn't finished until we receive our heavenly bodies, but changing from hell-bound sinner to heaven-bound saint is instantaneous (called justification) and is only dependent on our humble and repentant hearts accepting Christ's free and unending grace and mercy.
Oh look, of course I've written a novel when I simply wanted to say 'I understand.' and pray. I'm going to pray for you!!!
Awesome Father, please be with my dear brother in Christ. Give him the strength he needs. Place people in his life that will motivate and encourage him to follow Your ways, Lord. And most of all never let him grow so weary and discouraged that he gives up all together. Show him that the race is worth running. You have great and marvelous plans for him. Enable him and strengthen him to serve You better!!! In Jesus' name, Amen!
I haven't read other answers so sorry if I repeat. I really like www.covenanteyes.com. It's affordable- maybe $10 a month. Your girlfriend can be your accountability partner. It doesn't prevent you from looking at anything (unless you want it to for $2 more per month) but it's accountability for you to know that your partner will be aware if you choose to. It opens up communication about why you do it, and she can help you figure out patterns (is it a certain time a day? keep yourself busy during that time... is it because you are bored? find new hobbies that involve less computer time, etc.) It's a great resource. My fiance and I have been using it for about a year now and it's worth every penny. You can also put it on your smart phone for free. Feel free to message me if you have any questions. Know that the first step is to stop objectifying women, which it sounds like you are working on, but it can't be complete until you stop watching porn.
Many people define repentance as a turning away from what you were doing. Your heart has turned away, and hates it. I suggest something that you can get from the XXX Church that sends out an email to someone with the list of questionable websites that you have visited. To be honest, this is something I am currently struggling with myself.
Therapy can be a good idea too, just to talk about everything and see if there are reasons you can unwork in yourself for your actions. You are covered in Grace, and you desire righteousness. Blessed are those that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled. Either here or in the future, you will be filled. Just persist and persevere. You are never alone.Reading this, I can relate so much with you. I became a Christian when I was 17, though all my life I'd been raised in a Christian home with many pastors in my direct and extended family. I got introduced to porn at a young age by my brother, and it led to many shameful things that God had to help me overcome. I still feel disgusted by myself, but we have to remember that human minds are weak and no matter how guilty we feel, we can't let guilt stop us from running towards God. We can't let the devil beat us by preventing us from reaching out to the one who can redeem us.
If you feel like you have to make yourself clean and presentable before you can fully come to God and into his acceptance, I'll let you know right now that there is nothing we can do to manipulate God's love towards us. God CHOOSES to love us, and He knows we can't be perfect which is why He gives us grace. We're saved not by our own efforts, but by that grace for us. Accept that you can't overcome your sins alone.
One thing that's really helped me over the years is being close to the people in my church who I can look up to as authority. God loves us through people too, and your church family can help you be accountable and support you in the right direction. I pray you have someone you can turn to in the church that can pray with you and listen to you.
Jesus said in the Matthew 5:30, that "if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away." My suggestion is, unplug the computer, and put it away somewhere you can't reach it. Tell someone close to you -- who's mature in faith and you know can help you grow in yours -- that you need help. It's okay to confess your addiction. As human beings, we're all weak to temptation, and we can understand it. You say you're worried about having lost a place in God's kingdom. The main thing that guarantees being put on the path towards redemption is repentance. It's hard to confess your sins, but it's even harder to repent and never turn back to that sin again. I'm not saying you're not going to give in sometimes, but the Christian walk is a process and a marathon. And stamina is better than speed. Even if you get stuck somewhere on your walk with God for a long time, no matter what, don't jump out of it.
I believe that you will pull through this, by God's grace. God wants to use your life to do great things, and when it's all over, I believe you'll be welcomed into his kingdom with open arms and find your place there.
I'll pray for you. God bless you!
@alterEGGO@xanga - very good advice. Very wise.
@KateeLee1@xanga - I would add, PureDesire Ministries, and the Genesis Process program. We recently had a group from our church go through it. I have heard good results from both programs.
My advice is that you not worry about your place in Heaven, for it is secure if you have made an honest commitment of yourself to God. You need to know you are not alone, and to get into a program designed to break the bondage, and to have two friends you can be totally honest with, who will lift you up in prayer daily, that will break this addiction. Yes, it is wrong. Yes, it needs to not be there any more. But No, it is not the final verdict. You are a good man, and God wants to make you even better. Peace.
The best solution to any recurring problem. Stop thinking so much about it. Because you're constantly thinking about defeating this problem it never leaves your mind, in turn feeding its power over you. It's ironic isn't it? If you direct your problem solving thinking towards a different problem in your life, like a social problem you want to get over, that is the ultimate help. Displace your thinking towards a different problem. Yes ultimately this means that you'll always have a mindset of trying to solve a problem you have, but that's life. It's actually a good mindset to have because we are constantly in a state of trying to better our life. But more on this a later day.
For now, direct your attention elsewhere and thoughts of lust will just gradually fade away. Afterall, while you were "clean" from your lust, wasn't there very minimal thinking about lust during that time? Avoid any environment in which you might be tempted, ie alone in your room and that's a big help right there. It's the environment you're in that will trigger a relapse so avoid the places where you'd be likely to engage in lustful activities.
This will help you. I think Christianity puts too much focus on specific sins that we need to avoid so we end up doing it more. It's the same as saying, "whatever you do, don't think about bears." Hard isn't it? Therefore change your way of thinking from "whatever you do, don't think of sex:" to "whatever you do , dont think of *insert blank*"
I also sincerely hope that you haven't made the conclusion that ALL sex is sinful. I think that the porn is a bad thing, it detracts from the sanctity of the adult relationship. But sex it's self isn't a sin. Lustful thoughts toward your significant other isn't a sinful thing. (I know you only have a girlfriend and sex outside of marriage is a whole other topic.) But when you do reach the point that you are having that kind of relationship, please don't feel that you are sinning by having an adult relationship. I believe that being intimate is vital for a healthy adult relationship. It allows you be connected to your loved one on a higher level. (not to mention creating babies, building immunities and other...ahem, benefits.) Maybe it'll help for you to think about just how much it cheapens and detracts from something that is supposed to be beautiful, private, and yes Holy. =)