Friday, 11 November 2011
What is wrong with me? Every time I keep falling in the same sin. It's always me on my knees asking for forgiveness over the same sin over and over again. I know that it's sin, and I'm pretty much aware when am doing it. But it's so hard to stop doing it, no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't work out.
I have grown up in a Christian family, but I was never serious about it. I lived a normal life, in that I did not abuse myself in any way. I met different people with different character, but none of their character could change me to be like them. There are a few bad things I grew up with -- deceit and lust.
I used deceit as a self-defense mechanism, but it grew to an extent of just enjoying lies. I would wake up in the morning, make up stories and tell my friends.
At the age of about 6 or so, I lived with my aunt, and I remember standing in front of her and her husband as they were starting to have sex. From then on, I had sex with my friends; as long as I had a female friend, we did it.
By the age of 10, I stopped doing this, because opportunities were no more as I changed from place to place. From that point onwards, deceit was the character -- until the age of 15, when deceit joined hands with another character.
At 15 years old, I was a player on a baseball team. We were camping for the next day's tournament at school. We had to spend a night in the staff room, a self-contained room with DSTV. While we were watching some movies, the guys changed the channel to an adult station, and it was a porn movie. That was the beginning of porn watching in my life, and it turned me to be a dirty minded person. I never stopped undressing people in my head.
At the age of 17, I was introduced to Christianity. This was my best year -- a year of change. I become so committed, more prayerful and with loads of desire to work for God.
I fought deceit and it was defeated; I am a trustworthy person now. I don't lie anymore. The problem now for which I need your help is this:
Most of the time, when I go on Internet, I am compelled to watch pornography. I have been fighting this for three years now. Sometimes I overcome and feel as though it's gone. I'll go for a few months without watching it, sometimes just a week.
But even though I watch porn, I am not dirty anymore. I refuse to undress people most especially; I respect my girlfriend very much. People of God help me get rid of this desire. I really don't love it -- I hate it very much, but why do I still do it? The last time did it I was frustrated. So, I had to continue for three days.
I keep asking for forgiveness over the same sin. I feel as though am taking for granted God's mercies, love and forgiveness. I have sought help from above several times. I don't know if help came, and I didn't get. I can't even defend myself. I know what is right and wrong. To be honest, I don't even know how to approach His thrown right now. What am I going to say that I have never said before? I am so ashamed that I feel the heavens are so very disappointed with me. I am losing it all. I can't stand another moment to be called a child of the devil.
Do I still have a place in his kingdom or I have lost it?
If you feel comfortable sharing, have you also battled similar habitual sins? What resources are there -- devotions, computer programs, support groups -- that might help our friend face and finally break free of these sins? What encouragement can you provide?