Monday, 03 October 2011
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Marriage, Family and the Pursuit of Happiness
By Sharon at SheWorships
Want to hear something interesting?
Over the past few weeks I have been reading about the history of education (that’s not the interesting part), and I began to notice a strange trend. For a significant bulk of Western history, philosophers have agreed that an essential goal of education is the formation of ethical people. Until somewhat recently, everyone from Plato to Rousseau emphasized morality and character as a central purpose in education.
I think this is fascinating because it is so different from today. Not only has ethics been jettisoned from school curriculum, but much of education today is about job preparation, not moral transformation. Whereas the old model changed the self, the new model is more oriented toward servingthe self.
Of course, old models of education should not be overly romanticized, nor should all schools or educators be characterized with such broad strokes. Nevertheless, I do think a shift has occurred, and I also believe it says a lot about the larger historical moment. Hard work, disappointment, and failure are not exactly part of the American dream. As our Declaration of Independence reminds us, the American prerogative is the “pursuit of happiness,” not moral fortitude. The kind of character transformation described by earlier thinkers can only be had by labor, discipline, and sometimes a little pain. I’m not sure our culture’s emphasis on happiness and self-esteem coheres well with those older notions of the good.
Now my intent here is not to deliver a treatise on the modern ills of our culture or the failings of our educational system. If anything, I offer the above description of American culture as a reflection on my own heart, as a product of this culture. As I have thought about my future, I have noticed an idolatrous attachment to happiness, one that always prefers comfort over growth. And in no area of my life has this become more apparent than in my thinking about having children.
This year I have come across numerous studies and articles that pit family against happiness. According to one professor of sociology, “marital satisfaction decreases after the birth of the first child and continually decreases over time.” Meanwhile, a study in the Journal of the British Psychological Association found that parents report significantly lower levels of happiness. In fact, one scientist wondered if couples make the decision to have children by deluding themselves and focusing on the positive, ignoring all the evidence to the contrary.
Studies of this nature are certainly dubious. Aside from the fact that I have many friends who love (LOVE!) being parents, happiness itself is a relative term. It is relative to both the person and the moment. Even the most adoring parent has had an unhappy day. Even so, studies like these are discouraging to non-parents like me. They don’t exactly motivate me to jump on board the baby train.
Add to these studies the mountains of Mommy Blogs that seem devoted to commiserating over the woes of motherhood. The more I hear about how tiring and how difficult the job is, the more my inner happiness-worshiper wants to run away from it all.
In all honesty, the prospect of having children is scary to me. And on those freak-out days, the above statistics certainly don’t help. However, as I have thought about the future and searched my own heart, I’ve had to remind myself that happiness is not really the end game. In the same way that educators have long recognized character formation as a superior good, God Himself is not content to leave us the way we are. There is richness and depth and beauty to be had by growing into His likeness. As the saying goes, God loves us too much to leave us they way we are.
Happiness is a funny thing. An undue emphasis on it thwarts our attainment of it. So while I have no doubt I will fall utterly in love with my kids, their purpose is not to serve my happiness. God created the family, not simply because it is good and wonderful, but because it makes us better. It makes us more like Him.
And in case you’re wondering, I am NOT pregnant. These are just the honest reflections of someone committed to God and committed to human life, but still imperfect and in need of God’s grace. Just another reason why on-going transformation is such an essential part of the Christian life!
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
- Romans 12:1-2
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About the Author
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- From: sheworships
- Name: Sharon
- About Me: Sharon Hodde Miller is a North Carolina girl, born and raised! She is originally from Charlotte, NC, and she received her undergraduate degree and Masters of Divinity from Duke University. Sharon has worked for Proverbs 31 Ministries where she was a contributing writer to the ministry’s daily devotions and radio broadcasts. She has written for Relevant Magazine’s online articles, Lifeway’s Collegiate Magazine, Ungrind Webzine, and she continues to write and minister to women all over the world about being a Christian woman in an ever-changing culture. Sharon currently lives in Durham, North Carolina with her husband, who is currently pursuing a Master of Divinity at Duke Divinity School. If you would like to contact her regarding a speaking or writing opportunity, if you have any questions, or would like to submit a blog topic, please e-mail her at sharon(at)sheworships(dot)com.
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Comments (3)
We realized at some point that morality is to a large extent innate. A society devoid of moral teaching will still develop moral characteristics. We teach morality so we can develop a deeper understanding of our own desires and motivations, as well as the net effects of our actions. With this increased understanding of morality we become more effective in meeting the needs and wants of ourselves and our neighbors. We start with a pretty good moral template, and develop it through learning about people.
As for education: Whatever its historical purpose, education was not available to "ordinary" people. Students were either from wealthy families or had wealthy sponsors. This is one reason why there were relatively few scientists in the the 1600s compared to today. The purpose of the American public education system was to promote literacy. Other subjects--whether we're talking math, science, or ethics--were tacked on as afterthoughts. There never existed a public education system whose goal was to mass-produce "ethical" people, only literate ones.
As for babies: meh.
This post was extremely offensive to me. As a Christian woman married to a Christian teacher in the public school system for nearly a quarter of a century, I loathe to listen to women in particular blame the school system for the lack of ethics in people's behaviors. Nowhere in any curriculum do you see the teacher teaching unkindness, lack of respect, or disreguard for one's school work. The battle the teachers have is unthinkable right now. Social norms have changed. People don't hold their children accountable for their bad grades, rather, they blame the teacher. They don't respond to cries of help from the teachers when obvious bullying situations occur, rather, they blame the teacher. If the kid has been out of control all through grade school, you got it, it's the teachers faults. I live with a man who puts in no less than 60 hours a week, and is treated like a pariah from the home schooled and Christian community, all because he's a public servant working his butt off for your kids. And yes, in his room, as well as every other that he could think of after reading this obnoxious post, good ethics are the norm.