Thursday, 22 September 2011
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Stop Telling Me What to Do!
By Ani Demirjian
I read an article today in the New York Times about a once conservative, happy, married Christian couple, Sam and Bethany Torode. They met after Bethany Patchin (her maiden name) wrote an article for Boundless, an evangelical web magazine, saying that Christians should not kiss before marriage. Intrigued by this article, Sam wrote to the editor, got in contact with Bethany, one thing led to another, and they were married.
Together, they wrote a book called Open Embrace: A Protestant Couple Rethinks Contraception about Natural Family Planning and how Christian couples ought to refrain from all kinds of birth control except what is natural (yes, even condoms). They had four children and were a very respected and admired couple in the Evangelical community.
Obviously I wouldn’t be writing if that was the end of the story. They later divorced and both left the conservative community they were a part of. Now, they are both part of different liberal churches (and I mean, very liberal) and radically changed their views on birth control and contraceptives. They are now part of the “secular” world, while still holding to their Christian roots.
I’m not even going to address the countless things that I could address about this couple (err… pair? exes?). One thing I want to talk about is what Sam Torode stated in the article. He is now writing comedy books and has asked the publishers of Open Embrace to stop publishing any more copies saying, “I am out of the business of trying to tell people what they should do. I am out of that business for good.”
I don’t get it. What’s so wrong about telling people what they should do? Especially when you really believe that that’s what they should be doing? People do it all the time! Unless you have a gun pointed at someone’s head making them do it, telling them they should do something causes absolutely no harm! Commercials tell me what to buy, teachers tell me what to pages to read, and my mechanic tells me to change my oil. So why is it, when it comes to telling people how to live their lives, we get all sensitive.
Telling people to do something causes no harm except it may make people feel uncomfortable. Big deal! If you really don’t want to do what this person is telling you, then don’t! No one is forcing you to do anything. By telling people they shouldn’t tell people what to do, you are in fact telling people what to do.
And let me not even bring up Christianity. If you really believe that something is good for someone, wouldn’t you tell them? Even atheist Penn Gillette understood that. If a nutritionist really believes that her client should be changing her diet for her own health, she will begin to tell her client what to eat. The client can choose to listen or not.
We live in a culture where people don’t like to be made uncomfortable. We don’t want to offend anyone, and we don’t want to make them feel judged. Please don’t misunderstand me. I believe that there is way to say certain things, and if you are telling people what to do just for the sake of telling them what to do and being condescending about it, then you are definitely in the wrong. However, if you truly care for someone and if you truly believe that if they begin to do something their life will improve, there is no harm in that.
As Christians, we believe that we have the truth and the answer to all the evil in the world. I hope this belief is based on more than just feeling/experience. I hope you have truly taken the time to study about why you actually believe. If we really believe that we have the answers to peoples’ suffering, why wouldn’t we tell them? It is our duty to tell. They can choose to listen or not.
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About the Author
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- From: anidemirjian
- Name: Ani
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Comments (35)
I like this post.
Its says in the Bible that we are supposed to be IN the world, not of the world. We are set apart, we are supposed to be different.
And Jesus was never afraid to offend, or correct. He was one of the biggest s**t disturbers ever, if not the biggest. Just on more reason why I love Him!
Wow...they really screwed up. I hope they come back to the truth. Maybe they got so involved in the rules that they forgot the marriage they have to Jesus?
Maybe he wants the book to stop being published because he no longer believes in living the same way. Or maybe he feels hypocritical because in the book he is telling people how they should live when in reality he couldn't even make it work in his own life.
Perfect example of a couple totally absorbed in legalism. They liked the rules they had, which ultimately couldn't save them. Their beliefs weren't actually rooted in a relationship with Christ. And still aren't.
If we really believe that we have the answers to peoples’ suffering, why wouldn’t we tell them? It is our duty to tell.
So are you also telling us that what you call "liberal Christian churches" are inferior to your choice of church?
Too much Evangelical TELLING WHAT TO do can get extremely obnoxious and give a bad name to Christians everywhere, that's what's wrong with it.
I think there is an important lesson to be learned here about the subtle but crucial difference between telling and teaching.
Two thumbs up to this post. You made your point very well. Along these lines I also say; Why is it that we can talk about anything we love, except for God?
Telling someone what to do puts you in a position of authority over others. Unless they agree that you are in a position of authority, what right do you have to assume this position. Teaching, or suggesting, on the other hand, does not assume you are in a position of authority or superiority over others. Far better position to be in. Your words are more likely to be heard. Telling someone to do something causes resentment. No one likes to be told what to do, at least not adults. And when you tell someone what to do, you also take on the responsibility if you happen to be wrong. Do you really want that on your shoulders too?
I find it dangerous to use spirituality when convincing others about how to use their intimate relations. Or, how every single person was created with the same mind set for pooping out kids. That's offensive, and I don't for one minute believe God loves those people more than he loves me. Everyone isn't born the same. For me, a bipolar condition certainly trumps having multiple children, and the two I had were enough. For some, they should have none, but why should they not enjoy the pleasures of intimate marriage? And why should the head of a movement that these people follow be a single man older than me, I'm 58, who's never married nor had children??? Bizaare. Taking tad bits of scripture here and there and assuming that your legalist actions are what God expects from the entire world are cultish and dangerous, especially for women's bodies. They are encouraged to have sex during fertile times, and to stop breast feeding as soon as they can become pregnant again. Talk about lack of grace. I'm so grateful for a Lord who loves me and realizes my limitations, and doesn't expect me to interpret scripture the exact same way as the next guy.
@Ancient_Scribe@xanga - Right. Telling someone what to do is offensive to most adults. Teaching them how to do something, however, is far less so, and the importance is in the approach.
I understand where the author of this post is coming from, and we do tend to be a rather overly sensitive society. But you can't go in like a bull in a china shop, stomp all over someone's feelings then toss them the old 'I'm just trying to help you' BS. That's ridiculous, and everyone knows it.
Also, something conservatives/evanglicals/protestants don't seem to understand at all is this: proselytizing at another person every time you open your mouth does not actually qualify as conversation. It's a turn-off, and not because the other person doesn't want to hear about your beliefs. They just don't want it pounded into them every time they interact with you. Everything works in balance and moderation, religion included.
@Pollypinks@xanga - I understand and agree. My last two pregnancies were difficult, my last two children have autism and due to some health issues it's actually dangerous for me to have more children. I could never be part of a religion that tells me I'm going to hell if I don't push out a baby every year of my life until osteoporosis sets in. We can barely afford to take care of the children we have, are terrified of what's going to happen to them after we die and I have to take birth control for a medical condition.
Being bipolar, the two children you have are more than enough. You're smart for knowing your limits and adjusting your life to accomomodate them.
I'm living proof this week that churning out children is stressful. My son and his girl friend just had a baby a week ago, and she has an 8 year old that he's assumed responsibility for. They are both 32, and he is in school full time. Their agreement was that she would have her tubes tied. Well, she told me this week that she didn't, but she didn't tell him. I was physically ill, because I cannot in good conscience keep something like that from my son, so I told her either she tell him, or I would. For the last 4 days I have received volumes of text messages from her so vile I cannot repeat them. Apparently I am the cause of her being heart broken for the rest of her life, because I offered my son a vasectomy, and he insists on having the right of taking 6 months to decide. Guess what? I think she'll rope him in again before the 6 months are over.
@DivaJyoti@xanga - I wasn't labeling the churches liberal as a bad thing necessarily. I was merely stating what they are in the realm of Christianity. There are conservative churches and then there are liberal ones. Wasn't really stating that one is superior to the other. But I agree with you that people who overdo it are definitely those who give a bad name to Christians.
@Pollypinks@xanga - Thanks for your comment, but I'm not so sure you understood the point of my post. I was not making any comments about what the couple was teaching. I personally do not agree with all that they taught. I was just stating that as a fact of who they were.
@ZombieMom_Speaks@xanga - I completely agree with you. The approach is definitely VERY important and much be done very gently. You can't go and "tell" people what they should do like you are the king and know so much better than they do.
My point is there shouldn't be an approach from a church as to reproduction. God does not love you more if you can produce more eggs and sperm. That negates grace. Reproduction needs to come from the couple, their opinions, their income, and their health.
There's a huge difference between telling and teaching.
i thought i would hate this post, but i liked it.
basically, because God is sovereign, the Church can 'tell others what to do' ...but it must be done humbly and lovingly. remember, we're all beggars, and those of us who do know the fullness of Christ through His Holy Church, are beggars still, yet with the responsibility to tell other beggars where to get the True Food that will satisfy all of us!
And the difference between telling and teaching.......one is asked for and the other is not.
I suppose that the big picture here for this couple who gained fame and notoriety is that they opened themselves up to criticism (akin to what happens here on Xanga sometimes, but on a far grander scale).
Perhaps the advice they gave others and tried to live by was not only not serving THEM but may have screwed up other people's marriages and relationships. That is a heavy weight to live with when you become famous. I cannot even imagine how much negative pressure that might have created. Ultimately, they obviously came to disbilieve what they were preaching to others and couldn't live that way.
In the end, we shouldn't be telling people how to live they're lives, unless the advice is truly "tried and true." There would never be any harm in "telling" someone to live honestly: to not steal, imbezzel, or cheat,for instance. But when it comes to the most private reaches of our existance -- our choices in love and parenthood -- I firmly believe there is no place for The State, The Church, or others to "tell" us how to live.
This is not something I have given only cursory thought to. Indeed, these are words that have been uttered in our Supreme court. Lower levels of Government and the Church continue not to heed the advice of staying out of people's most private decisions. Although they will try to convince themselves otherwise, it hasn't served their constituents or congregations well on the whole.
Great, thought provoking post.. Thank you for posting it.
GREAT post. If we truly believe that what we believe is true, then is absolutely our responsibility to tell others about it. Not in a way that is forceful or disrespectful, but in a way that communicates that we care about them and want to help them.
I am no longer a Christian, but I absolutely agree with this. I do not understand how people can say, "Oh I believe this but I do not want to brainwash my kids into believing it." If you truly do believe it, that would be like saying, "Oh, I don't want to brainwash my kids that they shouldn't play in traffic."
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - I'm
sorry, who is this "[dung] disturber" that you are referring to? Is it
Jesus? I believe you must love Jesus, so I suggest that you don't
describe Jesus that way, because His Name is much too Majestic,
Honourable, and Holy to be used that way. He is the God who created
music, colours, water molecules, gravity, and etc.; therefore, we should
respect it and use it properly. Love Jesus and so respect Him, because
He is a God not to be joked with or to be taken lightly.
Please correct me if I misread that tho, I hope that the "disturber" you referred to isn't who I think it is.
@whispersofgold@xanga - have you even read the Bible? Jesus challenged the leaders all the time. He over turned all the tables in the temple. He healed on the Sabbath! He loved the people no one else would touch. Jesus is awesome, and majestic, and everything else you said.. but He also caused quite a stir when He needed to. All you saw was the negative behind what I said. And thats totally not true, you should ask more questions before you make unfounded assumptions.
And He is not "a God" He is The Son of THE GOD. And anyone who takes Him lightly is a fool.