Thursday, 22 September 2011
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How My Marriage is Changing Me
By Sharon at SheWorships
When Ike and I first got married, our personalities landed on very different ends of the spectrum between justice and mercy. While I have always been a “truth speaker”–meaning I see things in black and white, tend to be dogmatic, and speak my mind before pausing to listen–Ike is a peacemaker. He is very intuitive, has a great grasp on the complexities of a situation, and he understands people. Whereas I am quick to cast judgment, Ike is slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Early on in our relationship, this difference created problems. I accused Ike of failing to speak on matters of truth. I pushed him when I thought he needed to be pushed, and I became even angrier when he didn’t share my sentiments. “How does this not upset you?” I would ask. Of course, my criticism only provoked defensiveness in him, and the conversations unraveled from there.
This difference in our personalities has resulted in more arguments than any other issue in our marriage. My criticism of Ike’s graciousness betrayed a lack of trust in his judgment, and that was hurtful to him. My criticism was also ineffective. No matter how firmly I stated my case, no matter how crystal clear I believed the truth to be, Ike was not to be moved by force. Rather than convince him, my strong-arm method neither changed his mind nor endeared me to him. In fact, it did just the opposite.
Which is why I slowly began to change. Because conviction and argumentation had proven to be fruitless methods of persuasion, I adjusted. I noticed the strengths in Ike’s personality, and how it won him the respect of everyone he knows. I noticed the manner in which Ike’s humility and gentleness draw humility and gentleness out of me, even when we’re arguing. I realized that, through his patience and his willingness to listen, Ike’s words have a kind of weight and authority that cannot be won with superior skills of reasoning or numerous educational degrees. He has all of those things, but it’s not the reason people respect and love him.
Meanwhile, I recognized the weaknesses in my justice-oriented thinking. It’s not that justice doesn’t have its place–Ike would tell you that God has used me to make him a bolder man–but truth without mercy is only a hammer.
I therefore worked to change my ways, and my personality eventually followed. If you ask anyone in my family today, they will tell you that I have changed. Because of the way God uses Ike, I am a different person now than when I got married.
This change has had repercussions outside our marriage as well. As I have changed, the way I do ministry has changed also. In the same way that I assaulted Ike with truth, I am tempted to do the same with Scripture. When someone’s life is out of line, my instinct is to call it like it is–SIN. I can get pretty judgmental pretty fast.
Fortunately my marriage to Ike has resulted in pastoral growth. I am learning to listen and to meet people where they’re at. I’m learning to be patient with others and journey with them as they grow, occasionally screw up, and grow some more. I am learning to be more humble, and to get out of the way to make room for God.
Before I met Ike, I desired a marriage in which my husband and I could serve God better together than apart. Years later, God has answered that prayer beyond what I could have imagined. I truly am a better disciple because of Ike. Working through our every day interactions in the privacy of our home, God is making us into better servants of the world outside.
How has your marriage changed you?
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About the Author
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- From: sheworships
- Name: Sharon
- About Me: Sharon Hodde Miller is a North Carolina girl, born and raised! She is originally from Charlotte, NC, and she received her undergraduate degree and Masters of Divinity from Duke University. Sharon has worked for Proverbs 31 Ministries where she was a contributing writer to the ministry’s daily devotions and radio broadcasts. She has written for Relevant Magazine’s online articles, Lifeway’s Collegiate Magazine, Ungrind Webzine, and she continues to write and minister to women all over the world about being a Christian woman in an ever-changing culture. Sharon currently lives in Durham, North Carolina with her husband, who is currently pursuing a Master of Divinity at Duke Divinity School. If you would like to contact her regarding a speaking or writing opportunity, if you have any questions, or would like to submit a blog topic, please e-mail her at sharon(at)sheworships(dot)com.
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Comments (7)
Well, let's see. I'm still waiting for it. It is welcome to come and change me.
all i'm gonna say is I love how God works. <3
That's beautiful!! After being divorced for 5 years and wrestling with God to discover whether there is hope in marriage ... what you describe is it, I think. That is the hope in marriage...to discover a deeper level of intimacy (and joy) with myself, through intimate relationship with another. I don't think that's just a side benefit to marriage.
Well done good and faithful servant!
I'm not married yet, but I am in a long term relationship that is going to lead to marriage in the near future. And even just the unmarried relationship I'm in now with my boyfriend has been changing me. I can't wait to see what other changes God puts us through in our, my, his future. And all things done in his will are good, whether we see it that way or not.
That is so awesome. I'm not married yet, I hope that I will, and I want to it be all about Him. I'm trying to focus on Him and not get carried away daydreaming all the time, cause then I get too distracted from Him. I forget He's the one who has a plan for me, and things will work out because He is the one who creates relationships! :D
I was just writing about (not here...), how the best relationship ever is the one already here with me!
I've been thinking about those things alot, so I need to remind myself of that.
Maybe if i'm supposed to be married, it's not His perfect timing yet, maybe if that person is out there somewhere God is still working in His life.
I love the book "I kissed dating goodbye"
I need to think about others more than me. C:
I sometimes think about others around me who are married, and with my struggles, I wish I had someone there too, but I've thought about this, what I wrote.
Patience, patience, and patience. We learn by our mistakes. I came from screamers and hollerers. My husband came from passive agressiveness, where showing one's feelings was a deficit, and admitting human frailties was considered poor character. Talk about some interesting fights the first five years!! I've learned to back down, respect him as the co-head of the home, and value his insights. He's learned that his parents weren't perfect, and, that they even under handedly tried to get rid of me. We've learned to be honest, but to give the other person time to speak without interrupting. "I need to say some things to you without you responding", is a good way for us to begin, rather than the old fight it out ways. And I was hesitant to accept his help in parenting my two children. True, the biological parent is supposed to discipline and set rules, but I could have trusted his judgement alot more than I did. He has patiently loved the three of us for 22 years, and I don't know anyone else who would have done that.
You do not have to be married to learn something from this testimony. Reading this, lets a person see that no matter how convinced you are on your views, you do not have to rush to force them on someone. It is important to listen to see where a person presently is in their thinking which would allow you to be a better instrument in guiding someone from where they are to where God desires them to be. Better listening habits helps us all to come to a better understanding. I'm making efforts to become a better listener myself. Even though I've been told I'm a good listener, I can still see where I need improvement.