Monday, 08 August 2011
I got asked by one of my best friends, and I hadn't realised how obvious it was. That was what she had said anyway, I was oblivious to this happening the entire time, till she discussed it with me. I have known her for a very long time, and we've been close for much of that time. Honestly, I had never thought of her as an interest ever, maybe a long time ago but presently in time unlikely. I wasn't even looking for a relationship because she knows how busy I am, and she's hardly any freer than me.
For me, it was out of the blue and I was reduced to less eloquence than I normally possess if that is possible. I kept on wondering, "How long had she had these feelings for?". These distressing questions in addition to my preconceptions that it was the man's job to initiate.
I am beginning to realize how much pornography has ruined how I view women.
Since I am relatively anonymous on this blog (on sign-in lock as well), I am realizing how little I was interested in her because she was not that attractive physically. I am a shallow person, what can I say? On a friend level, I can feel that she's pretty cool--and she is--but as soon as dating and a marriage come into the view, I don't any longer have any interest.
I feel constantly I'm judging people according to what standard has been set by pornography. Not that I find people like Jordan or Pamela Anderson hot at all--I have classy tastes. But when pornography becomes such a big part of your life, it starts to rot away what universal beauty there is in man. My mind feels as if it has been subjected to an objective standard of what people have to look like and act a certain way. Till I am left with a checklist of the collective image of what an ideal woman should be is big boobs, big butt etc. Even people on the street, I find myself continually judging people according to a divine standard that I have set out in my head.
Continually I find myself judging my eligibility towards people as according to external looks. There is a pervading sense of superficiality to it all, and I profess not to be a very genuine person more often than not. It pains me, and I weep constantly of my own shallowness--I weep for others who seems to find it all a big joke. My heart breaks constantly when people tell of jokes of subjugation and extreme masochism.
Her asking me out really brought that out in me; I have been holding some very heavy sins in my heart. I know for one that I am so torn between who I once was, and who I am now. It's times like these that I do not know whether I have really gone that far from where I was, I find myself continually in the same place and sins as always. I find in myself an idol factory that is working all hours of the day, trying to make a god out of worldly things. Not contented with what God has placed in my life and looking elsewhere--distracted. Instead of looking to heaven for my worth, I settle for so much less beauty than I could imagine.
How is your fight against sin going? My question is--how has pornography changed your relationships?