Monday, 08 August 2011
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How Pornography Destroyed My Relationship
I got asked out today.I got asked by one of my best friends, and I hadn't realised how obvious it was. That was what she had said anyway, I was oblivious to this happening the entire time, till she discussed it with me. I have known her for a very long time, and we've been close for much of that time. Honestly, I had never thought of her as an interest ever, maybe a long time ago but presently in time unlikely. I wasn't even looking for a relationship because she knows how busy I am, and she's hardly any freer than me.
For me, it was out of the blue and I was reduced to less eloquence than I normally possess if that is possible. I kept on wondering, "How long had she had these feelings for?". These distressing questions in addition to my preconceptions that it was the man's job to initiate.
I am beginning to realize how much pornography has ruined how I view women.
Since I am relatively anonymous on this blog (on sign-in lock as well), I am realizing how little I was interested in her because she was not that attractive physically. I am a shallow person, what can I say? On a friend level, I can feel that she's pretty cool--and she is--but as soon as dating and a marriage come into the view, I don't any longer have any interest.
I feel constantly I'm judging people according to what standard has been set by pornography. Not that I find people like Jordan or Pamela Anderson hot at all--I have classy tastes. But when pornography becomes such a big part of your life, it starts to rot away what universal beauty there is in man. My mind feels as if it has been subjected to an objective standard of what people have to look like and act a certain way. Till I am left with a checklist of the collective image of what an ideal woman should be is big boobs, big butt etc. Even people on the street, I find myself continually judging people according to a divine standard that I have set out in my head.
Continually I find myself judging my eligibility towards people as according to external looks. There is a pervading sense of superficiality to it all, and I profess not to be a very genuine person more often than not. It pains me, and I weep constantly of my own shallowness--I weep for others who seems to find it all a big joke. My heart breaks constantly when people tell of jokes of subjugation and extreme masochism.
Her asking me out really brought that out in me; I have been holding some very heavy sins in my heart. I know for one that I am so torn between who I once was, and who I am now. It's times like these that I do not know whether I have really gone that far from where I was, I find myself continually in the same place and sins as always. I find in myself an idol factory that is working all hours of the day, trying to make a god out of worldly things. Not contented with what God has placed in my life and looking elsewhere--distracted. Instead of looking to heaven for my worth, I settle for so much less beauty than I could imagine.
How is your fight against sin going? My question is--how has pornography changed your relationships?
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Comments (43)
I am not an avid porn watcher, but I have seen it on a number of different occasions. It does not have quite the affect on me that it does for you I am sure, because I am female which makes me a little bit less visual than you :) I am more in to my own imagination.
With that said, I feel I have become very critical of people too, in particular the guy I am dating. He never meets my high expcations of the guy saying just the right thing at the right time. He ruins almost every moment because of his awkwardness and wierd comedy. But frankly it's me. I have spent so much time reading, watching, writing, and daydreaming about what he should say that I cannot even live in the moment.
It sucks. I am working on stopping. Hopefully I will float back down to reality in order to save this.
browneyedgirl
My boyfriend watched porn, not everyday but on ocassion. He used to watch it allll the time when he was younger. He had a lot of altered views of how a woman should be. For one he is somewhat shallow. He won't date girls unless they are skinny with big butts (but not to big). I am somewhat of what shallow guys will go for. The thing that bothers me is he got into this relationship with me and didn't realize, that just because I am pretty doesn't mean I don't have a soul. For a long time he wouldn't offer to take me on dates, it was either going to his house or going to the movies or dinner and then his house lol. I started getting really frustrated because everything we did was focused around sex. Not to mention he always asked to "switch it up" "do diffrent things." As a woman sometimes I don't wanna have to think about doing like 5 diffrent things I just want to do what ever happens. I became really withdrawn and almost left him because of this problem. Finally, I couldn't take it and told him how I felt. If he hadn't changed after that moment, we would not be together today. I told him look dating is fun and so is sleeping together but I am a person too. I like history and museums, I like nature, and sifi anything. Little did I know he loved these things too, he just did'nt think women liked these things. He thought girls like me only liked make-up and shopping and who knows what else lol.
Now that I am with a guy that see's me for mee, I don't try to look so superficial. I stopped going tanning and dying my hair. Honestly, I don't know why the porn industry makes these things attractive. I personally think I look better without being so tan people ask me if I am mexican (I am white/native american).
It is so much better to be with someone who loves your soul instead of your apperance.
You said this girl is "pretty cool" so odds are you love her personality. She COULD be perfect for you, if you didn't have these superficial standards of what outward beauty is. Besides, any girl can be prettier if she puts the effort into it. Maybe if she lost a little weight, did her make-up/hair, dressed cuter... all women are beautiful in their own way.
I'm hoping you give this girl a chance, you never know what could happen.
As for the sinning part, I am a christian too. It does eat away at my thoughts knowing I sleep with a guy and I am not married yet. However, I met him when I was 16 and I am now 23... he is the ONLY guy I have ever been with. I can sleep a little better at night knowing I have only ever shared my body with ONE person my whole life.
Well I guess this really depends on the guy. I'm with a guy who isn't concerned too much with the physical aspects of the female form. Sure he'd probably like someone prettier but that's hard to say considering he's into tomboys. We used to watch porn together but it didn't do much for us and we got pretty bored at the end.
He's also more interested in who a person is rather than what a person looks like. Having been brought up to respect women has also helped him a lot overall. Of course we both have flaws and what not but we talk about and discuss them. Communication is key.
If I were to be judgmental of his looks, I probably wouldn't want to go out with him. He's fat and by no means handsome but he is pleasing to my eyes and pleases my heart. The average guy who judges me probably would not want to go out with me either; I don't do the typically girly things of primping and preening and shopping can honestly be quite boring. I'd rather challenge my boy to a deathmatch on a video game or something anytime.
I know a couple of people who struggle a lot with porn to the point that it affects their relationships. A close friend of mine can't keep a girl friend because porn has given him unrealistic expectations. It also affected my marriage because my husband had been watching it so much that it was affecting our sex life. It almost ruined our marriage.
My suggestion to people is to stay away from porn. It gives you an unrealistic view of love and sex and it makes you see people as objects - rather than people.
@firetyger@xanga - actually, when you think about it, don't disney movies give girls an unrealistic expectation of life? growing up waiting for a prince charming and living happily ever after and all that. sometimes i think porn is for guys what disney is for girls. both give unrealistic expectations of each other.
Sorry, but blaming that on porn is a load of crap. People do that all the time, regardless of if they've ever watched porn or not. Face the facts - God created people to have physical desires and a sense of what they find physically attractive. No one is going to date someone that they find repulsive, regardless of how great their personality is.
This is a great reason why I take issue with religion - when you're reduced to self flagellation over the fact that you find some physical traits more attractive than others.
@BimmerPhile@xanga - I'm pretty sure naturally, I am not attracted to people with big boobs and big butts. It's an unrealistic image that I have been subjected to.
@llamalima@xanga - Wow, really? You're going to blame porn for you liking girls with big boobs? Yea, it's a nice act to try to get girls to like you, but I'm not buying it. Porn has girls to cater to every physical preference, so you wouldn't watch porn with girls you don't find attractive.
@firetyger@xanga - @buttburner@xanga - Yes, Disney movies, or romance books, do the same. We shouldn't expect perfection, if we thought we had found it we would idolize it, and then be crushed when the idol fell. Instead, we should realize that our potential, or realized, spouse is a sinner just as we are, and they are bound to fall short, just as we are. That is where the Gospel is huge in relationships. If we approach it knowing the other person is going to fall and need grace, and that we ourselves will fall and need grace, then we can show that grace and grow together in grace and in fellowship with Christ and one another.
@MagisterTom@xanga - @BimmerPhile@xanga - @llamalima@xanga - In my experience, getting to know a person has helped/hindered their attractiveness factor. What a shame that physical appearance has taken such a predominant position when it comes to sexual relationships. After all, looks change, and who you are is what makes a relationship last. Those who have lasting relationships put much less value on appearance.
@BimmerPhile@xanga - Yeah, because porn has so much variety available, huh?
@firetyger@xanga - Something else that seems to happen when porn is an addiction, just like any addiction, a tolerance is built and something harder is needed after a while.
@mtngirlsouth@xanga - People have always been attracted primarily to physical attributes, especially when it comes to sexual attraction. Yes, looks change over time - there's a reason that all throughout history older men have continued to pursue younger girls. Are you going to blame porn on a man 1,000 years before the internet wanting a younger and more attractive girl than his wife?
You've clearly never watched porn if you don't think there's variety. There's the implants and plastic surgery girls, the natural girls, the natural but work out a lot girls, chubby girls, obese girls, old, young, transvestites, homosexual, lesbian, puke / pee / scat porn, soft and sensual, rough and violent (just to give a few) - anything for any taste. You cannot blame porn for altering your tastes when no matter what your tastes are, there is porn for it.
But I'm going to assume from your name that you're a girl and since you complain about guys being attracted to physically attractive girls, it's logical to assume that you're not on the high end of the attractiveness scale (no, I'm not calling you ugly - merely making educated guesses from things you've said, plus being perfectly "average" (which I tend to find attractive) is "not on the high end of the scale" by it's very definition). Girls take issue with porn because it gives men sexual gratification without having to jump through all the stupid hoops that girls put up and the childish games that they want to play. "Buy me this and that and do this and that, then marry me and sign over your bank account and your soul to me and I'll have sex with you". That's the very reason why I continually second guess my current relationship - because girls main focus is on materialist things and on controlling men. But that's OK for girls to do - but if a guy sees a naked girl that's not you, he's a horrible person. *rolls eyes*
@BimmerPhile@xanga - You're right, I have not seen a lot of porn in my life. Oh well, porn is never really a good thing no matter how you cut it. Thank you for explaining to me why girls hate porn. This girl hates porn because it is demeaning to women. This girl also hates porn because it sets men up for disappointment. This girl hates porn because of the damage it has done to marriages. (I have never had to compete with porn in my life, so I do not know about this from a first hand perspective.) I wonder if guys say things about "jumping through hoops" because they are self centered and think doing something for someone else as "jumping through hoops". IDK, my husband is happy with me and according to him, I am the most beautiful woman in the world, the best he's ever had in bed (and when he was a Marine he had QUITE a few) and that I fulfill his every fantasy. So I doubt Iwill ever have to compete with porn, and am so happy that I am completely out of the single arena and no longer have to deal with men in the mindset such as yourself.
@BimmerPhile@xanga - I think you would enjoy reading the Song of Solomon in the O.T. It is very romantic and sensuous.
@mtngirlsouth@xanga - How is porn demeaning to women but not demeaning to men? -_-;
And of course he'll say you're "the best" he's ever had, we know how bitches get emotional when they can't handle the truth. You might not be at the top honey.
So, you don't find porn actresses hot at all, but you still blame the fact that you don't find most women attractive on porn. Maybe you've just become unreasonably picky over the years. Ever see that South Park where Stan becomes a cynic? I don't know, I just don't understand how you could not find women in porn attractive but blame your unreasonable standards on porn. The fact is that a lot of people find big boobs and a big butt attractive and have for most of history (before boob jobs, women we might consider a bit overweight were attractive because of these qualities). Big boobs are an evolutionary trick to make men think the woman could provide more milk, and big butts were another trick to make men think they have better child-bearing hips. So it's engrained in our biology.
@PinkLeopards@xanga - What a kind generous heart you must have.
@PinkLeopards@xanga - OK well I am mtngirlsouth's husband and she is the best I've ever had and I do have extensive experience. also the only BITCH I see In this conversation is YOU just because you will never be the best of anything to anyone doesn't give you the right to insult the women who are at the top like my wife. maybe you should try to handle that truth honey. So go hide in your corner, the adults are talking.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I'm not worried by flies who buzz around my ear why would I worry about her?
@gunsmith@xanga - Big talk from someone who brags to his "wife" about how many women he got with in the marines. lol By the way I'm the best every man I've been with has ever had. ;) She's not that impressive. :D
@gunsmith@xanga - Well, you're responding to the troll. Don't feed the troll if you're not worried about the troll. Or, don't take the troll seriously, at least.
By the way I'm the best every man I've been with has ever had. ;) -of course he'll say you're "the best" he's ever had, we know how bitches get emotional when they can't handle the truth.- nuff said- I'm done with this We have nothing to prove to you. go back to your hate mongering and racial whining about us horrible terrible monstrous evil white's and or system to keep minorities down, don't forget to add we have a African american president.
@gunsmith@xanga - I'm not that emotional as you can plainly see lolol And what does being Black have to do with it? No one said I hated White people but proof you and your fat wife belong together, you're both illiterate! HAHAHA oh btw obama's half white. Good job. Irrelevant point is irrelevant!
Whatever TROLL
@gunsmith@xanga - Whatever pussy. >:D