Thursday, 16 June 2011
It was fantastic admittedly--I had pork belly with Canadian scallops wrapped in prosciutto with an apple sauce. I know that I am horrible with descriptions because I know it was much more eloquent within the menu. It was an enjoyable time, celebrating my sister's birthday--also coinciding with the last day of my semester. More than enjoyable really, a relief from the madness that ensued in the morning and the nights before spent constructing the model which is now completed and on display in the exhibition space of the university.
So here I am, sitting at the halfway point of a Bachelor of Architecture--having realized that I have not learned anything yet. This past semester was a large jump in terms of how much we were learning and in difficulty. Yet I feel that I lack knowledge of how to erect a building--moreover, how to construct a building at all. Sitting in the restaurant with all of these doubts, I was eating such wonderful food and conversing with my family--we get along so well. I cannot help but be guilty that I am in college to start with.
Guilty that there are so many people less privileged than me, yet they have less cares and worries than me (I have written more about this here). They don't have anything, but labor daily for their food--yet here I am with nothing that I need. I am continually reminded of Ecclesiastes where it says:
"Sweet is the sleep of a labourer, whether he eats little or much, but the full stomach of the rich will not let him sleep." (5:12)
Not to douse the fires of the successful, for God grant success to those who He wills--and more often than not, these are people who do not deserve it. But on the other hand, this whole week, I find that I am sleeping about 5 hours a night. It may not seem so bad, but it builds up when you have been going on for a few weeks on less than optimum sleep. Even going to bed early results in endless pipe dreams of what situations could happen the next day—I know I am a chronic worrier.
But tonight, just sitting within that place, I wonder what would Jesus think if He came back to rapture us all? With these worries running on my mind finally taken away from me, the end of my semester! I can feel that even if I ate much or little, it would not matter! My fears would not let me sleep. I feel as if He would come into that place, and see me savoring the flavors on that plate—I wonder if that is where I would want to be. Would I hide under the table in an attempt to hide my opulence, or would Jesus be pleased with me?
Francis Chan in “Crazy Love” talks about his wife’s grandma Clara, he describes her affectionately as to him, one of the best Christians he knows. There was a time where he brought her along with some of his friends to a theater to see a play that was performing that particular night. During the intermission, he leaned over and asked what she thought of the play. She said:
“Oh honey, I really don’t want to be here right now.” When I asked why, she replied, “I just don’t know if this is where I want to be when Christ returns. I’d rather be helping someone or on my knees praying. I don’t want Him returning and find me sitting in a theater. (140 SOURCE)
I find myself continually questioning my intentions, whether this is where God would want me to be. At this point in time, would He want me in school? Reading this book? I’m not talking about an unhealthy obsession, but being continually in communion with the Holy Spirit to lead and to guide us. I wonder continually whether where I am, if it is better to have nothing than to go through these stresses for a higher letter on a piece of paper than to seek God first.
The post comes full circle: Would He want me eating in this uptight restaurant, eating foods that I could not pay for except if my sister were paying for dinner? Where would I want to be when Jesus is coming back again? Do we hide behind our humanly success to cover up our insecurity and insufficiency before Christ?