Monday, 11 April 2011

• Forgive my Wandering Heart

  It started again today, when I woke up at 2pm -- yes, the joys of not having a Saturday job anymore. Not wanting to even get out of bed, I groaned, "Lord, I do not want to do this today." I didn't. There are some days when I'm just sick of fighting, and today was the culmination of what I've been feeling build up all week. I didn't want to talk to the Lord, I didn't want to read the Bible, I just didn't want to DO anything today that had anything to do with being a 'good Christian.'
  
  I'm sick of it, I rationalized. Just for today, I don't want to have to work at this.
  
  So I went about my day. Which turned out to be awfully unproductive. I stayed in bed, cruising Facebook, Xanga, Google News, Woot and any other pointless website that I could to fill up time just so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. When that got old, I decided to get up, shower, and get about my day.
  
  People. People are what I need today. I'm going to have good conversations with people.
  
  So I went trolling around the forge til I found some good people to talk to. And I had fun. And then I went to dinner, and this crazy palooza harvest event, and then talked to more people. And yet there was something off.
  
  Maybe it's human tendency to think that the grass is always greener on the other side. I know, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to have good friends -- great people that I thought would make great friends. This led me, repeatedly in my history, to blow off my faithful friends in hopes of impressing this person or that group of people. If these cool people thought I was cool, then I would be too. Obviously I'm not the only one, because this theme has made many a blockbuster for Hollywood. We, the stupid beings that we are, think that if somehow people can accept us, our self worth will increase. And maybe it does, temporarily. If everyone loves us, then we have to be good people, right? Not total failures. So we look, again and again, time after time, to other people to find our worth in the world. Does it work? And more importantly, does it last?
  
  Ephesians 2:10 says that We are God's masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do. I was reading a commentary this week, and something jumped out at me. It said that God is LOYAL to us. That he's glorified when we let Him help us do the good works that he created us to do. That we're doing exactly what we're created to do and totally at unity with God when we allow him to be a part of our lives and let Him help us be the people he created us to be.
  
  Ok Lord, I get it. Just not right now...
  
  To top it off, today I downloaded this free song which really hit home. Some of the lyrics are below:
  
  Why are you striving these days
  Why are you trying to earn grace
  Why are you crying
  Let me lift up your face
  Just don't turn away
  
  Why are you looking for love
  Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
  To where will you go child
  Tell me where will you run
  To where will you run
  
  And I'll be by your side
  Wherever you fall
  In the dead of night
  Whenever you call
  And please don't fight
  These hands that are holding you
  
  It's not a fight. Foolish heart. Only in Him do I truly live, move, and have being. In him - through Christ Jesus do I find self worth. He is loyal, he is by my side. So many days I've abandoned the one who is my all for "better" things, "better" friends. He is all. He is everything.
  
  A friend's religious beliefs on Facebook: "I am in love with the one who never fails." Always faithful, always true. Lord, forgive my wandering heart for being so unfaithful, so eager to find acceptance in other things besides you. Let your grace be my portion, and help me to not only live FOR you, but live WITH you by my side. You are the one I love.
  
  O to grace how great a debtor
  daily I'm constrained to be!
  Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
  bind my wandering heart to thee.
  Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
  prone to leave the God I love;
  here's my heart, O take and seal it,
  seal it for thy courts above.
  
  Do you have a wandering heart? Are you feeling lazy in your faith? What are you doing to motivate yourself?
  

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