Thursday, 07 April 2011
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Confessions of a Proud Virgin
There have been many posts on Mancouch, Datingish and the like ridiculing post-pubescent male virgins. "Help my boyfriend is a virgin!" "How to get laid in four easy steps!" and "Why there is no such thing as a male virgin" are just a few of the titles littering the community.Then there are the self-proclaimed sex-experts like Serenadante. They like to say that there is something wrong with those of us who aren't "getting any" and don't care to. Fox's Family Guy even made an episode making fun of guys like me, and there was the movie, The 40 Year Old Virgin.
Not only do I admit to not having had sex, I'm not even interested in having sex at this point in my life. When I say that, people really get offended. And I don't get why; it's my life isn't it? I can do with it what I want -- at least that's the argument they give to defend those who hop from bed to bed on a moment's notice.
Let me give a couple examples of what I deal with on a daily basis. A school official passes me a condom and I say, "No thanks, I don't need it." With a wink and a nod he responds, "You should carry it in your wallet just in case."
No! There is no "just in case." There is no "if." I simply will never need a condom. When and if I do eventually have sex, it will be with someone I can totally trust. We will be ready for a baby if that is our destiny.
Then there is the atheist who says, "What are you, some kind of fundy?" Not to knock atheism, especially not based on the misbehavior of two or three individuals, but just because one does not chose to live his life according to your morals, does not mean he's necessarily a fundamentalist.
Then there is my doctor. I recently switched from a pediatrician to a regular PCP, and when he asked me about my sexual history, he couldn't believe what I told him. He said, "You can tell me anything you like, but I do need to know the truth."
"I have told you the truth."
That's when he pulls out the condom. Why does everybody want to give me a condom?
Being an openly male virgin at my age and in this culture is like being openly gay in a southern Baptist church. We're ostracized and ridiculed every time we "out" ourselves.
Of course this all leads to the obvious question: why then be so open about my virginity? Think of it this way: how should you react to a gay guy being asked why he would want to be open about his sexual preferences in the face of ostracism and ridicule? Whatever answer you'd give him, I think I could give also.
This is why so many boys/men pretend to have experience when they do not. And most of the time that's what I see -- guys claiming they have experience they do not. But then, most of the guys I meet are teenagers.
Even here on Xanga where people are supposed to be such mature adults, I'm greeted with stupid statements like: "Are you gay?" "Wouldn't it pop?" "You are in desperate need of sex education." "Oh you'll meet the girl of your dreams and then you can't help yourself." Or the most offensive of all: "You're lying."
I think I'm perfectly able to control my own body thank you very much. And that statement is what I think people like Serena and Hector find so offensive. That people like me can control our bodies. That I'm proof that her power base is in danger should more people realize what I represent.
Think about it, if everyone took control of their bodies, their sex-drive and their life in general, then that would be the end of organizations like Playboy, Hustler and Planned Parenthood. That's why we so often say Christianity is freeing. Of course the so-called sex-experts say that's not freeing, but what it seems they really mean is that it's not freeing for them.
What are your thoughts on virginity in today's culture? Is there shame or pride in virginity? Should virgins -- Christians or otherwise -- be ostracized over their personal sexual choices?
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About the Author
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- From: JCCroom@xanga
- Name: Trevor
- About Me: I'm a student and I'm a christian.
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Comments (95)
There is definite shame attached to the virgin label. I don't get it...as long as you aren't looking down on those who do have sex, why should anyone care? Furthermore, why is it anyone's business except for the person you're dating, and your doctor? I refuse to disclose that information to just anyone. Whenever the subject comes up -- and being in college still, it comes up a lot -- I just say "No comment." People can make of that what they will.
Being a man in today's culture comes with it the expectation that you are also a sexual conqueror. Take it from someone who has made a public vow of perpetual chastity: you will be persecuted for it! But, since such men as you and I are in the race for quite a different crown, the spitting and insults will be like rain and music in the end. Hang in there; when the Holy Spirit leads one of the Most High's Daughters to your hand, you will be a tremendous blessing to her.
Its pathetic that in today's world, that you get persecuted for something like being a virgin. You sound like you're still in school, but the good news is the ridicule gets significantly less over time as you start hanging out with mature adults and have less exposure to morons.
My husband and I were both virgins when we married at ages 22 and 23. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We are soon celebrating our 5th anniversary, with our marriage (including sex) being better than ever before. Some people I know who slept around before marriage have difficulty staying interested in their sex life... I'm not saying there's nearly always a direct correlation, or that sex before marriage guarantees bad intimacy and saving yourself guarantees the opposite; I don't believe that to be true. However, a lot of emotional and psychological- even spiritual- things are going on even in a physical relationship, and some of those can impact our long-term view of intimacy. I like to think that God often blesses those who follow His guidelines, and those blessings can sometimes be specific to the areas we chose to follow Him in.
When you do find someone you love deeply and marry, you will not regret saving yourself.
At my old job as a waitress, I went into that job wanting to be a light in the darkness--and praise the Lord, He did use me as that. However, as I befriended the other people at my work and they quickly learned that I am Christian and that I had stopped myself from drinking and had a plan to go at least a year without drinking, (despite the fact that I used to party,) I put off them finding out about my virginity as long as possible. It's a workplace filled with teenagers and college kids, so sex was a common topic, but I just would listen and not say anything if I found myself in the midst of a convo about it. When the Queen Bee of my work found out about it, everyone was amazed and more than a little shocked. I got a lot of seemingly rude (but truly just unknowing) questions from the girls like, "Have you ever had a boyfriend? Oh, of course, Jesus is your boyfriend" and the guys wanted to know details of my past relationships, like how far I had gone and if I really loved someone, would I do it?
I suppose it wasn't easy, though by the grace of God, He had truly instilled a deep love for my coworkers in me, and I didn't take anything personally. (Except for the time the new girl accused me of stealing a dollar from her. That crossed a line.) But now that I really think about it, my coworkers finding out about my virginity was really a door-opener. They knew I was serious about my religion, but I could still relate to them, and like I mentioned before, I loved the crap out of them.
Anyway, this is a really long story to say, I totally understand. And people will cheapen virginity and turn it into a medical disorder and whatnot (I had an ex who told me there was a study that proved that people who didn't lose their virginities til later in life weren't as socially functioning as people who lost their v-cards early. HAHA.) The secret underground railroad society of virgins do support you!!!
I'm staying a virgin until I'm married.
And I think remaining a virgin is a very good choice because 1) the Bible says that sex is specifically for marriage and 2) it's rare to come across young "believers" who believe this to be true.
Well, I'm 26 and still a virgin... and most importantly, it doesn't bother me. Maybe it's because I'm Asian and Christian, and both these backgrounds value sex after marriage. But yeah, you're not alone and there's nothing to be ashamed of. Who cares what other people think?
People say things like "Don't you want to test drive the car before you buy it?" and a Muslim girl I used to know would respond with: "Would you rather have a used car or a new car?" (If you had to pay the same price--life long commitment)
In the book, Boundaries in Dating, the author writes about how we shouldn't give 100% of our bodies when there isn't 100% of commitment from someone. And on Datingish and etc there's so many young women out there complaining about how their boyfriends of x amount of years still don't want to marry them because "marriage is just a piece of paper". Well, if you're having sex with him and giving him other benefits of marriage before marriage, of course he wouldn't want to get married!
And it doesn't just have to be a religious thing...there are non-religious people who choose to be abstinent until marriage because they don't want to get a STDs, they dont' want to get pregnant, or they want to keep sex for their future spouse. I think it's the logical thing to wait.
This has been the best blog I have read in awhile. It makes me extremely happy, excited, proud? I don't know! But, I do know that you are amazing for this. It IS something to be proud of, and it IS something to shout out loud. Okay, maybe not shout so much..maybe proudly proclaim- but I completely agree. The more people throw sex in my face, or mock/laugh/call me a liar when I say what I am/believe/have NOT done.... I get happier. Maybe that's wrong...but I don't care. Anyway.. eeeee! This is awesome. Thank you for writing/sharing and not being ashamed! Rock on!
@Itinvolvedwhippedcream@xanga - Why so secret?
Good for you! I agree with you. I had a doctor made me take a pregnancy test after I told her I was a virgin. I was so pissed/
@cute_sushi@xanga - Ah! I love that analogy of a used car. Or more like a rental car.
We should never be surprised by a culture that disagrees or is put off by our lifestyle. We're told by Christ and his Apostles that will happen. Getting worked up over it seems pointless. Be chaste and deal with the consequences and do so with joy because it's not a negative.
The argument "It's my body so I'll do what I want with it" is a poor argument for the Christian and the tactic of using secular arguments to support Christian practice is a poor decision. Pointing arrows at SerenaDante probably won't help things either.
Wow. You took the words right out of my mouth. And so state it clearly: I'm basically atheist, and I'm also a virgin, because I don't think sex is okay in my life at this point. The "just in case" condom situation happened to me exactly the same way once...but I was extremely angry at how stupid the "just in case" argument is.
Anyway...own it. I think virginity is extremely attractive because it means you CAN control yourself, and you DO believe in committment. Why do I want someone who has sex with anyone he can? Its ridiculous!
Go virgins!
it is sort of like how fat people are the norm nowadays, so when they see a skinny person, it is like...omg she is so skinny and needs a cheeseburger!! and slutty or sexual freedom is the norm, so when you find out that someone is a virgin, then it is like...omg he needs a condom!! or she must be a prude or they're missing out on "fun" because sex is just sex as some say
it is their choice to have sex and others choice not to have sex, so yeah, nobody's business but their own
Thank you so much forRed Bull Hats explaining this. I was totally unaware ofAir Max 2009 this issue on Facebook. I was just checking some ofFox Hats my past blogs and found you there. My apologies for new york hatsnever seeing that. Awesome blog Lani, Will be checking back to you soon.:)
@Ancient_Scribe@xanga - would you explain this, please: "when the Holy Spirit leads one of the Most High's Daughters to your hand, you will be a tremendous blessing to her." I'm not sure I'm following what you're saying here, nor where it comes from. Thanks!
@gayXianmom@xanga - All women are daughters of God, and it is the Holy Spirit--Love Himself--that brings people together in marriage. So I was saying that when this happens in the young man's life, he will be a great blessing for her because he has responded faithfully to the graces of chastity in his life and has saved himself for her. Does that make more sense? Sorry about the confusion!
@Ancient_Scribe@xanga - Oh yes! Thank you! I'd been wondering if you meant to include yourself in that scenario - very confusing!
*shrug* i don't really care if someone is a virgin. but that doesn't change the fact that i'm sexually active, and just as proud of it. i don't sleep around or, as you put it, "hop into bed at a moment's notice." i'm wondering if you're able to be proud of your choice without insulting others for making a different choice. it seems that most people who choose to be virgins cannot do so without mass labeling non-virgins as uber-sluts. @cute_sushi@xanga - "Would you rather have a used car or a new car?""
well, considering how quickly cars depreciate after being driven off the lot........ :)
"And on Datingish and etc there's so many
young women out there complaining about how their boyfriends of x amount
of years still don't want to marry them because "marriage is just a
piece of paper". Well, if you're having sex with him and giving him
other benefits of marriage before marriage, of course he wouldn't want
to get married!"
most people i know who say that feel that way about marriage regardless. i find it slightly manipulative to try to get a guy to marry you by reassuring him he'll get laid because of it. you should marry someone because you love them, not because you want to play house. with my SO, the only thing that will change after marriage is my last name, and i couldn't be happier.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga -
i find it slightly manipulative to try to get a guy to marry you by reassuring him he'll get laid because of it. you should marry someone because you love them, not because you want to play house.You're right, it is manipulative. Sex isn't the REASON why we should marry someone. But it's one of the perks of marriage. I just hear many girls complaining about the above situation (boyfriends don't want to marry them), and it's a bit ridiculous to me.with my SO, the only thing that will change after marriage is my last name, and i couldn't be happier.
Well, that and tax benefits, etc :D
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - I wasn't insulting about it. You were looking for an insult for reasons known only to you, and what we search for we often find.
Damn, and I thought only Pandas don't bother getting laid....
"Why does everybody want to give me a condom?"
I love that line! :)
But anyway, I think it's cool that you're that open about your virginity because most of the guys just lie, like you mentioned in the post.
At my school guys would actually just come out of the blue and ask me if I was a virgin, and I honestly didn't get it. It was almost like you were supposed to introduce yourself and say, "Hi, my name is ___, and I'm a virgin." Anyway, it was so frustrating because, the guys at my school will call the "loose" girls whores and all kinds of things like that but then when they ask me if I was a virgin and I said yes they would look at me like I was doing something wrong by being a virgin too. So before it was over I wasn't sure what they wanted.
Anyway, I like this post. :) I'm not ashamed to be a virgin. :) I think one day, the guy that I fall madly in love with, will totally appreciate my virginity. ^.^ And I think the only people who try to make people feel ashamed of being a virgin, are people that gave their virginity away like it was nothing and they wish they could get it back, but they can't. That's how I feel about it anyway. :) No offense intended...