Monday, 21 February 2011
For a while, I didn't care about the negative comments my "open letter" was getting on Revelife. Then it was featured on Xanga's front page, and the controversy snowballed. Some people got my intended point -- that some women have unrealistic expectations, and perhaps that is why they're single -- some politely disagreed with me; the rest hated me. Their comments were biting. Even my friends, either in response to the letter or my other anti-Valentine's Day blogs, were disappointed with me. My emotional and mental resilience wore out.
The crushing weight of it all forced me to take an entire day in prayer, Bible reading, and study. I read through several Psalms and burned through the second half of The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson. Interspersed through this were two phone calls to a friend, a frequent blogger on Xanga. My faith has been shaken much for several years, and recent events had only made things worse.
I expected Anderson's book to be more about people having emotional problems because of involvement with the occult. I was surprised that wasn't all; unforgiveness, bitterness, persistent sin -- among other non-occult related things -- he said, could give the Devil a foothold. In other words, the very things I had been guilty of for a long time. People have tried to help, but I had either stubbornly brushed them off or abandoned hope when nothing seemed to change. I even went so far as to say that the moral truths I believed in seemed to work for everyone but me and that God thought I wasn't "good enough" for His blessing and favor. Thanks to this, I was pushing friends away, offending strangers, and alienating family. Some I was aware of, some I wasn't. It wasn't all their faults this was happening -- I was just as responsible.
These realizations broke me last night.
I broke those chains. Or rather, I let God break them.
Now more than ever, I want to make things right. A few months ago I prayed God would make 2011 a "year of restoration." A big of that I wanted to be the mending of damaged relationships and the recovery of lost ones. God takes no delight in broken relationships. I asked Him to give me the strength and wisdom to do what I could to make this happen inasmuch as it depended on, and leave the rest to Him (and that He would let me know the difference). I have let anger and bitterness ruin or destroy longstanding friendships with people who were incredibly important to me. That is not fair to them or me. Heck, it's flat out stupid. I should be overflowing with life, not destruction. I want to overflow with life.
So let it be known here on Xanga (or Facebook) that not only will I stop writing bitter anti-Valentine's Day blogs, but that I have renounced my old, dead life of bitterness. I won't get it right overnight, but I will strive to be a better man.
"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob." (Deut. 30:19-20)
I choose life.