Monday, 21 February 2011
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Breaking my Bitter Chains
For a while, I didn't care about the negative comments my "open letter" was getting on Revelife. Then it was featured on Xanga's front page, and the controversy snowballed. Some people got my intended point -- that some women have unrealistic expectations, and perhaps that is why they're single -- some politely disagreed with me; the rest hated me. Their comments were biting. Even my friends, either in response to the letter or my other anti-Valentine's Day blogs, were disappointed with me. My emotional and mental resilience wore out.The crushing weight of it all forced me to take an entire day in prayer, Bible reading, and study. I read through several Psalms and burned through the second half of The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson. Interspersed through this were two phone calls to a friend, a frequent blogger on Xanga. My faith has been shaken much for several years, and recent events had only made things worse.
I expected Anderson's book to be more about people having emotional problems because of involvement with the occult. I was surprised that wasn't all; unforgiveness, bitterness, persistent sin -- among other non-occult related things -- he said, could give the Devil a foothold. In other words, the very things I had been guilty of for a long time. People have tried to help, but I had either stubbornly brushed them off or abandoned hope when nothing seemed to change. I even went so far as to say that the moral truths I believed in seemed to work for everyone but me and that God thought I wasn't "good enough" for His blessing and favor. Thanks to this, I was pushing friends away, offending strangers, and alienating family. Some I was aware of, some I wasn't. It wasn't all their faults this was happening -- I was just as responsible.
These realizations broke me last night.
I repented.
I broke those chains. Or rather, I let God break them.
Now more than ever, I want to make things right. A few months ago I prayed God would make 2011 a "year of restoration." A big of that I wanted to be the mending of damaged relationships and the recovery of lost ones. God takes no delight in broken relationships. I asked Him to give me the strength and wisdom to do what I could to make this happen inasmuch as it depended on, and leave the rest to Him (and that He would let me know the difference). I have let anger and bitterness ruin or destroy longstanding friendships with people who were incredibly important to me. That is not fair to them or me. Heck, it's flat out stupid. I should be overflowing with life, not destruction. I want to overflow with life.
So let it be known here on Xanga (or Facebook) that not only will I stop writing bitter anti-Valentine's Day blogs, but that I have renounced my old, dead life of bitterness. I won't get it right overnight, but I will strive to be a better man.
"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob." (Deut. 30:19-20)
I choose life.
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About the Author
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- From: The_messenjah777@xanga
- Name: Nate
- Location: Warsaw, Indiana, United States
- About Me: Scribe. Warrior. Nerd. All of the above. Scribe - I am a writer. Story is my life. I graduated from TUFW with degree in professional writing so I could spend my life telling stories with my pen, my mouth, and my life. I believe in the power of story and that each of our lives are an epic that God is helping us write. Like C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien before me, I believe God speaks to humans through story. I hope my own stories can do the same. Warrior - Life is a battle, and I intend to keep fighting the good fight, as the Apostle Paul said. I will fight for my God, my friends and family, and my beliefs. I can be a loyal friend or a worst enemy. Thankfully, it takes a lot to get on my bad side. Nerd - I enjoy all things science fiction, fantasy, video games, comic books, etc. My mind is always entertaining "what if's" and other strange ideas. I've always known I wasn't normal (but then again, "normal" is a relative term).
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Comments (7)
I wouldn't normally advise taking comments received on xanga too seriously, but if they help you to be a better person or help God to communicate to you, then I cant argue with that.
Such an amazing feeling to have chains broken off ourselves...all the best in 2011!
I honestly commend you. It takes guts, courage and strength to admit that you might have been wrong, and even if everyone completely misunderstood you, you apologized for the misunderstanding, that is wonderful.
Can I tell you something? I love nerdy, quirky guys. I've had many issues with men that had nothing to do with nerdiness or quirkiness (After all, I married someone with aspergers syndrome) but, rather that I had been repeatedly crushed by men who were apparently "christians"... Seriously. I had one relationship where the guy cheated on me. Another where the guy was addicted to porn to a point that it was just too much, the list goes on and on.
Truthfully, I am the kind of girl that if I was single, I'd be MORE than willing to give someone like you a chance. You just need to know that okay? You're a cutie (I saw your photos) and you're quirkiness would never turn someone like me away.
I hope we can get over this, I can say, "I forgive you entirely." and I hope we can be friends. :)
My "choices" broadcast is excellent about choosing life. Go to www.theexchangetoday.com and click on "listen to past shows" follow directions to listen to the link for January 29, 2011.
You can also check out www.theexchangetoday.com/blog
Personally, I think your "bitter" letter had some merit. While it may not apply to all women, it does apply to some. However, something to consider is that the reverse is also true.
As a fellow Christian nerdy guy who is currently (newly) single, I know I'm guilty of sometimes being too shallow or too picky when faced with dating prospects. If I lowered my own "requirements" for the other person, I could go out to a bar in the next hour and probably find someone, but chances are they wouldn't be right for me, and that wouldn't make me happy.
This may sound cliche, but once you realize that it's true, it's an awesome revelation. There are girls out there that will appreciate you for the type of person you are. They'll be happy to play co-op Halo, they'll quote Monty Python, and will hold a conversation with you for hours about the most random things you're interested in.
Now, the tricky thing here is that we are often shallow in terms of judging beauty. That said, someone who isn't a beauty queen can easily become the most gorgeous thing in your eyes simply as a result of that shared, non-physical connection. You need to be open to the idea that you could either end up with someone who has supermodel looks (rare) or someone who you love so much that it really doesn't matter what they look like - they'll turn you on like no other person in the world.
I'm not sure if you've ever tried internet dating, but I've personally used OKCupid (just because it was free) to meet three different Christian women in the past 2 months (two of which are now good friends, and one that has some more potential). I could have picked only based only on looks, but it was refreshing to see the number of available, Christian women out there that also shared some of my weird / nerdy life interests (even if I didn't always pick them). I know this is coming off as an advertisement, but I don't really know any other way of wording it.
So keep your chin up about that type of stuff. There's very likely someone out there that will love everything about you, and you'll love everything about them. Don't try to rush things and miss the opportunity by being with someone that isn't right.
We should choose our life!