Saturday, 05 February 2011
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Confessions About Singleness And Dating
Have you ever made assumptions about dating that God changed?
By Bonnie at Faith BaristaOnce upon a time, when I was single, I actually believed I had the gift of singleness. It wasn’t because I preferred being alone and it also wasn’t because I didn’t want romance in my life.
I was 29 years old when I seriously entertained the possibility. Because despite my outgoing nature, I hadn’t found a single love connection in my many years of dating (or lack thereof).
The mere logic of my situation persuaded me to at least consider the idea: does God want me to be single?
ConfessionsAs my 30th birthday approached, I decided to take a bold step. I wasn’t going to wait around to get blind sighted by my gift of singleness. I grabbed it from the shelf and wrote my name on it. I took up the Apostle Paul’s challenge to choose singleness as the preferred lifestyle of ministry.
Ha! I thought. Now, I’m safe. No uncertainty. I’ve got my goal. It’s Jesus and me.
Before you think I’m a saint, let me confess to you now. Singleness was an easier choice for me. I knew how to do single. I grew up in a single parent family and have always been independent. Having someone to love and to hold felt like a luxury. And well, in lieu of luxuries, I cherished the idea of adventure, as a free-floating agent.
My dear Pastor Rich put a dent in such simplistic daydreams.
“So, you got it all figured out, huh?” Pastor Rich leaned back in his creaky padded chair.
“Sure. There aren’t a lot of people who can embrace singleness.” I was confident. No one’s gonna convince me I’m in need of anyone.
Pastor Rich stares at me intently, a soft smile curling around his mouth.
I braced myself for the ol’ fatherly chat, date-some-nice-guy and don’t-be-so-picky. Here we go… I took an invisible breath, but kept calm and cool.
“Have you asked God what He thinks?”
He got me. I never did ask God. I just assumed that’s what He wanted.
I didn’t leave Pastor Rich’s office changed and repentant. I was still happier living with my plans and preconceptions about singleness, my desires and also God’s will for me.
Little did I know, three years later, I would run into someone who would change my mind about my gift of singleness. It took more faith for me to risk my status quo happiness, in exchange for a relational happiness that wasn’t guaranteed.
No one can say that God will definitely lead any of us to find our marriage partner, but no one can say He can’t either.
A Star To FollowIt was Christmas. As I thought about the star that the wise men followed until it rested where Baby Jesus laid, I wondered if I could ever begin a journey without knowing where it would lead.
Could I possibly find someone who could steal my heart, keep it safe and love me back?
Or will this desire — if I let it out — be so painfully unquenchable that I’ll want something I can never have?
God did not give me a definitive answer.
All I heard Him say was –
Open your heart and keep following me, Bonnie.
– if there is someone for you in this lifetime, you’ll find him here with me.
– if there is no other, trust that I’ll be that Someone for you in the end.
As the world crowds around us, plastering red hearts and chocolate dreams in our periphery, we can hang onto the One hope we have in God’s love for us: Jesus Himself.
I don’t know if you’re newly single or been on the single journey for a season.
One thing is for sure.
We travel the same road of faith — holding tightly to the only one who knows the future — even when everything else may be uncertain.I learned a life-changing lesson in Pastor Rich’s office that day. As I wear my wedding ring today proudly, I remind myself to always go back and ask God what He thinks. Even when I think I’m 100% sure I’m right.
Because after all, I’ve been proven to be wrong, when I think I’m right.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
~ Isaiah 55:9What were your assumptions about dating that God changed?
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- From: faithbarista
- Name: Bonnie
- About Me: Welcome to Faith Barista – a blog that serves up shots of faith for everyday Christian living. Are you after that fragrant aroma of Christ in your daily cup? If so, there's a chair here with your name on it. Stay and comment awhile, won't you?
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Comments (25)
I think my profile pic says it all!
I just glad I'm happily married and don't have to date.
I love it! The first two commenters are 1) A happily single person 2) A happily married person !!
I had the opposite experience. Thought I was going to be married and now realize I may spend the rest of my life single.
@squeakysoul@xanga - What a great 3rd commenter -- one to represent our journey is unique and life brings unexpected turns. There is no cookie cutter strategy to life except holding onto God who can carry us through. Thanks for adding your voice here, squeakysoul!
I've long assumed I will live out a single life, having never dated before. Seems like I'm thinking similarly to the way you once were. I'd be somewhat content doing the single thing for the same reasons you described, but then I've seen God do some unheard of things already in my life, so what's to prevent Him from bringing a marriage partner into my life someday? So while I'm content currently being single, I'm also curious for the future, wondering what God might have up His all-knowing sleeve. Love your closing verse!
I am actually going through this right now. I once had a desire for marriage but now I'm content with being single and not being concerned with marriage at all. I have never seen the church as a place to interact with women beyond the friendship level, but that's another story for another day.
God doesn't talk to me in this way.
I want to be married more than anything in my life, but I know it's probably not going to happen - from how God's "plan" for me has unraveled thus far. In the more recent years, I haven't embrace singleness at all; and I don't find any comfort in continuously being alone for years upon years {I can't imagine waiting until I'm well into my thirties!}. And just when I think God is unearthing something that makes me think maybe my future won't be full of unhappiness from being single, it turns out to be nothing. By how things for me are going, I don't think God would be that unwise to let someone into this mess of a life anyway . . . I hate thinking about this :--/
@ultravioletskies08@xanga - I understand how you feel. Even though I thought I had the gift of singleness, it doesn't mean I didn't struggle with loneliness. But, I found I could turn to God, who can inspire me to look beyond my singleness and see the adventures around me that He has. One verse that gave me hope is Rev. 3:7 "These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of
David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open." If there was someone for me, as long as I kept following God closely, that opportunity cannot pass me by. Thanks for sharing so transparently and honestly.
@twoBex - Cool! Sounds like you are walking that space between trust and contentment -- and still keeping the door open to what He has for you! Makes an open & exciting life!
@dragon_king@xanga - It's kinda like seasons - there will some seasons that we feel full of opportunities and the pull for marriage is distant. Then, there are seasons we come to that feel stronger and more tugging. It's like the ocean's wave. Either way, we can make the most of all seasons, by holding onto God and other friends and family at church around us. And yes, it is another very interesting topic on church,dating, brothers and sisters... :)
After I was married and had my "ideal" husband and family - small children - I was suddenly widowed. For the longest time, all I wanted was to find someone else to be husband and father to me and my two boys, and thought that's what God certainly wanted for me, too - that's His ideal after all, right? Well, that hasn't happened, and sixteen years later, I have raised my children alone and still have no one to spend my life with. I'm not sure why that was God's plan for our lives....and maybe He will still bring me someone in my later years, but either way, I'm okay with it. I'm not actively trying to date anymore - haven't been for years - I have a fourteen year old girl to finish raising, and to bring another man into the picture at this point in her life would probably not be a good idea, so I'm willing to wait. I'm content.
this is really comforting as I am approaching 30 and single ! and it is val day soon!
I think that until I start desiring marriage for reasons that aren't selfish, only then will I be able to find 'the one.' Unfortunately, at the rate I'm going it may be a while...
oh, where's Happily_Married_Guy@xanga? haha! This post reminds me of him.
I'm in a position where I'm pretty sure God wants me to be taking a break. I was dating pretty recklessly for a while, but I think God's got something specific he's bringing me to. Or I could be wrong; I'm waiting to find out. I just know that I'm taking a break from dating right now, and trusting that he'll lead me where he wants me. Wherever that might be.... o_O
The past two years I've been nothing but boy crazy! People my age are getting married and having kids, and here I am: single. I've reached a point of contentness though. God is the center of my world and I know he has a plan for my future. I don't know what his plan is, but I know he wants the best for me. There's no sense for me to obsess about "the one". If there is a special someone, God will bring him into my life when He's ready.
:) I used to think that I would remain "single for God" but maybe it was rather my fear of a relationship instead of God's calling.
Eventually the true love was brought to me without me ever looking for it (we're not getting married any time soon yet but we believe we belong together for life). The whole thing has been a miracle, we just have to trust that God will help us with the practical problems remaining till we can get married and live together.
It was certainly a road that was completely different than I wanted and expected. I am 21 and got married almost a year ago. I am completely blessed by my marriage but I cannot say that our dating experience was a good one. I was kicked out of the house by my parents because I was dating and they shunned my wife, then girlfriend. That was almost three years ago... They still won't apologize for treating us like dirt.
On the other hand, that situation certainly brought my wife and I closer together and become a single unit.... We can only thank God for helping us through those tough times... It truly is in His hands. Don't be discouraged about your situation. God has plans for you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE. Always remember that.
I am 40 and single and never married. I know that God had the plans of giving me a husband but I think I messed it up. I don't know why he has kept me single this long but I am ok with it for now. I just find other things and other people to enrich my life. Idon't think it is natural for guys or women to be unmarried until they are in their 40's. I think maybe it is extra hard for guys because of stereotypes. I know a guy who is almost 48 that has not even been kissed and he is a good looking guy. To me there is something wrong with that. Sorry, I am a little bitter.
Oh wow! thanks so much for this post...really.
I constantly feel this way..like im destined to be single forerver and
Im only 20! I know its a little silly since im young but then I see my
20 yr old friend engaged and is getting married THIS year and my other friend has a boyfriend and shes just 18!!
Its a little frustrating you know like I want that too but sometimes I run out of patience! And I know God's plans are not my own but still...
anyway thanks again for this post.
im glad you found your guy :D
While being single definitely has its upsides, being with someone does too. I think maybe it's supposed to be that way, so neither choice is wrong.
Men should be more sensitive to woman's feelings.
This is something I really needed to hear. I'm speechless.
I've let my heart out a couple of times, it was squashed by Godly women. I think I am done.
Wow. You said what I needed to hear. "Or will this desire — if I let it out — be so painfully unquenchable that I’ll want something I can never have?"
THAT hit me hard. That's exactly what I always fear, but I've never been able to put it into words like that. My problem is that I've already actually let that desire out, and it IS painfully unquenchable (or it seems that way. I know God satisfies all.) because I'm so afraid of wanting something I'll never have. I have never had a boyfriend or even a date with a Christian man/boy. Every time I thought I got close, it was yanked away from me somehow. So I'm afraid that will happen every time I get close to having a relationship. :(