Wednesday, 26 January 2011
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Christians, Dating and Unbelievers
Why I think dating a non-Christian is a bad idea
After reading the recent Revelife blog-post, "Engaged to an Unbeliever: I Didn't Know He Wasn't Christian," I found myself both saddened and thinking about the issue of inter-faith dating. Many of the comments disappointed me and I found others to be lacking in any kind of genuine empathy or understanding. To begin with let me explain my opinion on the issue at hand.Just by way of clarification, I am a Christian and would almost definitely not date a non-Christian. The reason I wouldn’t -- and while I can’t speak for all Christians, why I think most devout Christians wouldn’t -- has nothing to do with a zealous desire for spiritual purity or separation or a desire to forsake all else for God but a basic longing to have someone they can share their entire life with. This longing is something most people have and that all people of great commitment definitely have.
I’ve been trying to think of a good analogy and it has evaded me. The culture and lifestyle of Christianity for those who are devout is more all encompassing than anything else I can think of. The best parallel that comes to mind is education. If a person was a professional academic, it is definitely possible that person could have a successful relationship with someone who had never taken a college class and didn’t read even a book a year or a single magazine or newspaper regularly. However, to pretend that such a gap in lifestyle would not be a serious issue would be to ignore the plainly obvious and to possibly be walking into a pitfall. Some studies indicate that divorce in inter-faith marriages could be as high as 75%.
Once again though, I emphasize, the issue is not religion per se but values and lifestyle. I couldn't see, for example, a relationship with someone whose life was committed to leftist causes or some other thing I don’t understand and have little empathy with creating a similar roadblock. That doesn’t mean it could never happen -- just that there is an additional difficulty.
In response to comments on the post
All that said, I am very disappointed by the number of Christians who have no problem telling a complete stranger without any exception that he or she should break off an engagement to a non-believer. I’ve known many wonderful Christians -- mostly women but also men -- who’s life partners did not share with them the calling of the cross. I would never have told these people that they needed to go and get a divorce or leave their significant other. What’s more, I in no way thought of them as less of a Christian because of these relationships. The fact is that, while we all hold ideas, sometimes in practice we fall short of them.
I also find it troubling how many people were so quick to judge the poster for living with a boyfriend. If someone had come to me and asked me for advice about moving in with a partner they were not married to, I would not recommend it. However, while I believe sex within marriage is the best idea, I do not see it as a tragedy that those in a committed relationship engage in intercourse. The problem with sex outside of marriage is a problem of behavioral context, not inherently a problem of behavior the way stealing, murder or lying is. In explanation: I am aware this view is not in line with most of Protestant Christianity, but I accept that and think there is a good doctrinal basis for it both in Judaism and ‘Orthodox’ Christianity.
Loving your neighbor as yourselfI realize that the comments on the post were somewhat asked for. That said, I found it disturbing how many were willing to make judgments and come to quick conclusions -- and to some extent many of the comments made me sad. Christ said that loving one’s neighbor as yourself -- practicing empathy -- is second in importance only to loving God. It maybe antithetical to the internet culture to say this, but when you offer harsh judgment based on very little information towards people you do not know, you violate the commandment of Jesus by not trying to think about the situation from their perspective and by not having sympathy. To me this is a much greater sin than sexual impurity.
Does this in any way change your perspective about Christians dating and being in relationship with non-Christians? How should we respond lovingly to those who are already in the relationship, rather than judging them harshly for the actions he or she has already taken?
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- From: SamEwing@xanga
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Comments (41)
Interesting post. My husband was actually an unbeliever until about a month or so before we got married...I would not change a single thing :) I think the biggest thing you can do if you are a believer dating a nonbeliever, is just show the love of Christ...let Him shine through you :) My husband always says that I have a beautiful heart and that it was me who showed him to God because I never stopped showing kindness :)
I personally would not condone dating an unbeliever or even someone who is a believer but isn't from the same denomination. I had a bad experience with that. Had I married him and had kids with him, they would be so confused. Nothing good came out of that relationship except for my realization that putting other's before Christ is a big mistake. Yes, it does work for some people, but that doesn't make it right.
Remember the Crusades...! Kill the heathens! Its the Christian thing to do.
My wife was a Mormon before we got married and now she is a believer and I would not recommend anyone hold out the hope that their partner come to faith as my wife did. There was a lot of friction prior to the marriage and a considerable amount of preplanned compromise prior to walking down the isle. She had to settle for a man who thought her faith was heretical and I had to compromise with someone who would just be trying to sit through Church and not get offended. We could never truly be in ministry together and although I don't regret marrying her and I am overjoyed that she is saved and can share in ministry with me....now, I think I did my own thing in marrying her and not what God wanted from me and had to repent of this. I was tied to her emotionally and very physically attracted to her. In short, I did not want to let her go and didn't. If you are feeling this way, don't ignore it. Ladies, don't get blinded by a future with someone that is planned out in your head. Men, don't get blinded by attraction, remember David and Bathsheba.
I have seen in interfaith couples where you are restricted in your faith, will your partner want to join you on a missions trip, likely not. If they do come it may be for the humanitarian effort and not for saving souls. Will they want to have a bible study at your home, will they pray with you, will your marriage have common goals that center around what God would want for your lives together, will you be there to encourage each other to holiness if you are on different paths? Likely not.
When you have an interfaith marriage you will find you will be restricted, feel a sense that you want your partner to be joining in with you and praying for peoples salvation with you. You should be praying with your partner and not praying for your partner.
Regarding sex before marriage, the Old Testament talks about a man having sex with a virgin, he is then to marry this woman.
Ex 22:16: If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged, and lies with her, he must pay a dowry for her to be his wife.
If you want to twist this into: We're going to be married someday so whats the difference if we do it now? So its ok. That we are "married in the eyes of the Lord".
ok good one, how about this way of thinking about it, do you have a daughter? Maybe a baby sister? How about if she meets a guy and falls in love and starts spending the night at his place, are you ok with that? I think you would not, you would likely rather her be in a committed relationship that is for life (ie: Marriage). I think what you want for your loved ones is what God would want for you.
I feel like your reply fails to address the main issue a lot of the commenters (including myself) saw. The poster said that her significant other led her to believe that he was Christian until some time ago, and they are 5 months into their engagement and he dropped the bomb. If she knew from the get go that he was a nonbeliever, this would be a different situation. Comparing a Christian marrying a non-Christian to someone who is highly educated marrying someone who is not as educated is a quite inelegant comparison and I feel like it fails to encompass the immense difficulties that arise in those kinds of situations.
You know, even if the poster is not necessarily engaging in sexual intercourse outside of marriage, living with her fiance is a situation that might tempt said person to do such things. We should flee from temptation. I mean God always gives us a way out, but I personally feel that living with your significant other before marriage if you both profess to be Christian is quite a precarious situation and not something I would do.
Also, because you are engaged to someone and you have sex prior to you actually getting married, I doesn't mean you're going to get married. In what I have seen, most Christian couples who do similar things end up breaking apart and not getting married at all.
And my final point in loving your neighbor as yourself. In this case, you don't wnat your neighbor to live in sin right? Perhaps a lot of the comments were quite harsh in their rendering of words, but they spoke of the truth as best as it could be understood Biblically.
I personally don't have a problem dating a non-believer if God is truly pushing the issue in my life. I know it happens and it's likely that the reason behind it is that he will learn through being with me how to love God also. But it has to be a really strong push. Most of the time it won't happen I don't think. It just happens to be where I am right now, unfortunately. I personally want to date a believer, but it's not my present.
The poster was lied to, so that was the main issue. Going into a relationship knowing the guy doesn't believe is one thing, but to be told the whole thing was a lie so close to marriage is scary.
Sex outside of marriage is a sin, as it states in the Bible. There really isn't a way out of that one. But like I said in the original post, living together does not necessarily equate with having sex--but it often does and it gives off the impression that you are. Even being in a long term relationship in high school people assumed we were having sex. Living together with someone would only make that image more believable.
i understand refusing to date someone because of lifestyle.
but, frankly, we're discussing religion... which, from what i've experienced, seems to indicate very little about someone's lifestyle. take Christianity, for example. i know gay Christians who do drag shows Saturday night, and go to Mass the next morning. i also know Christians who think Catholics are secret pagans, would love to see all Muslims expelled from the country, and rejoice every time they hear of an abortion clinic being bombed. tell me, WHICH of those is "the" Christian lifestyle you want to date so badly?
the problem is, you guys don't seem very interested in closely defining yourself based on your beliefs. as a result, someone telling me they are Christian tells me nothing about their personality, lifestyle, morals, etc. so when i hear "I won't date someone who isn't Christian" it sounds as shallow and ignorant as "I won't date someone who is black/has red hair/is overweight." if the issue is lifestyle choices, then just say that. don't try to use religion as an excuse, because you've done nothing to show that ALL Christians have the same lifestyle, and that ALL non-Christians have the exact opposite lifestyle. so either way, you're just being ignorant and a tad bigoted.
I see where you are coming from, but I back my comment up with experience.
The guy lead her to believe that he was a Christian. To me, its not about the Christian dating Non, its that he lied to her about it. My ex did this to me. For over a year he claimed to be a devout Catholic, even saying that if we had children they'd have to go to Catholic school. When I finally learned the truth that he had not been in a church of any kind since his mom got married (he was 4), I was angry. I confronted him and he said he was baptized Catholic, had never practiced, and only used that to keep me because he knew I have a strong faith. He also lied to me about many other things, all because he knew he had gotten away with that first lie.
Now, if he would of been honest from the start, I would have not felt betrayed and like the last year was built on lies. (Please note I have NOTHING against Catholics! )
I dated another nonChristian, and he knew from the start where I stood with my beliefs, and he was very sweet and supportive, but he was also honest when he said that he was an Atheist. He even came to church with me a few times. In the end though, it just did not work out for us and we parted ways. We are still good friends 10 years later, but the relationship just did not work. And it had very little to do with religion.
I am thankful I married a man who shares my faith. We see some things differently, but our relationship is built on honesty.
Now as for living together before marriage, I think this totally depends on the convictions of the couple. Also, you can live with a guy and not have sex with him. I have had several guy room mates and found them much easier to live with then other women. My husband moved up from the US before we got married, and we lived together. He had his bedroom and I had mine. We had both already waited for marriage, and we were not going to mess that up even a few days before saying I do. So I enlisted my mom as my accountability person and, though the temptation was there, we prayed about it. And we waited and it was worth it.
So while I think the author of this post did a good job, they totally missed the whole reason a lot of people got upset with the original post. The guy LIED to her for a long time about something that was obviously important to her, only to come clean after they were engaged. That would make me question everything and you cannot have a strong relationship without basic fundamental trust.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - In the last month I have attended church at least once a week and on many times more than that, I've read three books of apologetics and made two blog posts about faith issues. I can't imagine being with someone who understand this or join me in prayer or congregational worship. These are not activities to a Christian like watching a movie or taking a walk or choosing a restaurant but expressions of our deepest beliefs, passions and longings. I couldn't imagine being with someone who couldn't fundementally understand this.
@aN_amAYzInG_storrII@xanga -@LadyGwenivere@xanga - Thanks for the reply I certainly didn't mean to condemn everyone who was responding. Obviously lying about something very important to your partner is a huge issue and excuse the cliche every relationship must have trust. Whether the previous poster could trust her fiance is a decision for her to make hopefully with the guidance of counsel and family.
I didn't necessarilly mean for this post to be a direct reply as much as my general thoughts and in the third part I was mainly addressing those who were telling the poster she should break off the engagement because her partner was not a christian without any clarification or qualification. While I wouldn't go as far as telling someone I've only known through a brief anonymous post to end a relationship I have empathy with those who reccomended she shouldn't stay with someone who deceived her in such a way.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - The Christian lifestyle as in, putting God first over other relationships, including the dating relationship, not having sex until after marriage, continuing to read the Bible, go to church, have fellowship with other Christians, and loving God more than anything and anyone, and loving others as yourself, and following the laws that God has given us. If a Christian tried to date someone who didn't agree or understand these things, it would be very hard for them as a couple.
@SamEwing@xanga - then, for better or worse, your requirements for a SO are far more extensive than mine. being agnostic isn't a hobby or activity... it's just simply what i am. everything i do is an expression of what i believe to be true, from the degree i have to the movies i watch. i don't need meetings, books, or a group to identify with. it doesn't define any other part of me, and i don't need my SO to feel the same way.
then again, while i'd consider dating a Christian (albeit an extremely liberal one), i'd never feel comfortable dating someone who thought i was going to Hell. i don't believe you can love someone, and agree with that simultaneously.
@cute_sushi@xanga - i agree. but not all Christians i know fit in with all of those characteristics. so, again, to make a blanket statement that you would only date Christians is still pretty ignorant.
@DavetheKermodie - well said my friend.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - Thank you. I was thinking the same exact thing.
I would rather date a non-Christian because it seems they have actually thought about the issue of faith. Most Christians I have met seem to blindly swallow whatever is spoon fed to them and don't actually know what they believe. Call me old fashioned, but I want to be with someone with the tenacity to ask questions.
I hate this term UNBELIEVER... It honestly makes you sound like a cult, IMO. Non-Christian is a much better term... Or even better "someone of another faith".
I'm a Deist and there's not very many of them so if I dumped everyone who didn't share the same belief as me, I'd never have a signficant other. My boyfriend is a Christian and accepts my beliefs, thank God. Unlike a lot of people that seem to comment on these revelife blogs...
"Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?" - 1 Corinthians 6:14
Thank you for this. I read so many comments by christians and was disappointed. I am not christian but I do have many christian friends. The only thing I disagree with you about in my situation I had is where you say its mostly about lifestyle and values. My christian girlfriend said I was the best man she had ever dated. I was nicer, more caring, etc... but because I was non religious, even though I was baptized as a child, her parents would never understand and therefore we would never go anywhere. Now I understood this and tried to convince her to breakup but she didnt want to for awhile. I finally convinced her even though I loved her.
So many of faith are so quick to condemn those without or of another faith. I have no faith, but I love all faiths that practice love. That should be all of them, but some people forget that.
I clicked into this because I was curious. I'm sorry but some of you guys sound like you're in a freaking cult, belittling us and calling people who don't believe in God "non-believers." I 100% agree with seasidehearts. Get off your high horse and try being more accepting of people with different beliefs and stop acting like you're all right and everyone else who doesn't believe in God is automatically wrong.
People aren't getting the point.
The bible FORBIDS Christians from marrying non believers, period, end of subject.
I wonder how it works when it's the other way around? I myself am not a Christian or believer in any religion or God of any kind. However I could certainly be with someone who was secure in their beliefs as a Christian or any religion for that matter. While I may not agree with their views, I don't really see a problem with sharing my life with that person. Maybe I'm alone in this. I consider myself a generally good and moral person, and yet sometimes I am judged as the opposite simply because I do not believe in God. Is there some Christian doctrine that says if I don't believe in God, I am an evil person who is not worthy of equal love and kindness? As you pointed out, the bible says that you should love your neighbor as yourself. Is the next sentence, "But if your neighbor isn't Christian, don't fall in love with him/her," or am I just misunderstanding? It seems like if you should treat your neighbor as yourself, then purposefully avoiding a relationship with your neighbor is a bit contradictory. I don't mean to stir up any negative feelings here, I just like to understand views like this :)
Unbeliever? That would infer that there is something to believe IN, and the fact that disbelieving this particular matter is out-of-the-norm and shunned. Just because a person is a "Believer" does not mean everyone else who is not of the same faith/beliefs can be called "Unbelievers". Imagine if our world was named based on the animal giraffe. Would we refer to the millions of other species of animals, plants, bacteria, and fungi by the term "nongiraffe"?
The "parallel" between Christians and educated individuals and "unbelievers" to drop-outs is highly offensive, as it would seem to suggest that all Christians were more educated than non-Christians. This is simply not the case. In fact, on a recent study, Atheists scored 1.95 IQ points higher than Agnostics, 3.82 points higher than Liberal persuasions, and 5.89 IQ points higher than Dogmatic persuasions. This is not to say that any conclusion can be drawn based on this study, but at the very least, it would promote the idea that non-Christians are definitely not less-educated or unintelligent.
Furthermore, your philosophy on taking a partner of a different faith is different from the ideals your deity wanted you to have. Do you believe your God would have wanted you to segregate and be judgmental towards others who were different from yourself? Do you think God would have shunned or demeaned those who did believe in him, assuming he did exist? No. If God was all-knowing, kind, and loving, he would have more acceptance than you "Christians" show here.
I'm not against being with someone who identifies with a faith as long as they are willing to give me my own "breathing room". That is to say, they don't try to convert me or smother me with preachings. Other than that, I believe two people can live their religious lives separately and still be very much in love.
Acceptance, not segregation.
Given that Paul said to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, the accounts throughout the Old Testament of what happens when people marry unbelievers, and a little common sense that tells us that the thing most important to us, our faith in Christ, is different from the unbeliever, should tell a person that it is a bad idea to be in a relationship with an unbeliever.
And, the bible makes it clear that sex should only be in the confines of marriage, so it isn't that it isn't what we would suggest, it is that it is sin to have sex outside of marriage.
My thoughts, are that if someone is in a relationship with an unbeliever, and they aren't yet married, it should end. And if they are living with, or sleeping with, someone they are not married to that needs to end as well.
And if this sounds drastic, read the Old Testament, at times people cast off their unbelieving wives in mass!