Saturday, 22 January 2011
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Engaged to an Unbeliever: I Didn't Know He Wasn't Christian
[Editor's note: Due to the personal nature of this post, we've chosen to feature it anonymously to protect the author.]I am in need of some fellow Christian advice. I am in love with this man, and I have been since I first saw him. I started dating him only after he told me he was a Christian and wished to strengthen his relationship with God.
We eventually got engaged in September. It is now January, and he has informed me that he has been lying about himself during our whole relationship. He told me he is not a Christian and does not wish to be one. He doesn't want to live the Christian lifestyle because to him there are too many "rules" to follow.
I have tried countless times to explain to him that they are not rules; they are just guidelines that God knows will make us happier in the lives we are living. I have been praying for him without stopping, and I am starting to feel like there is nothing more I can do. I love him so much, and he is the only man I could ever see myself with. The only fault is he is not a christian.
I have moved out of his apartment and am planning on breaking up with him. I have told him all of my concerns and why the relationship won't work without God in his heart. I really am looking for some uplifting advice and some words of encouragement. Please help me.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who lied about something very integral to the relationship? Can a relationship like this continue? What words of encouragement can you give?
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Comments (131)
You call yourself a Christian, so I'm wondering why you were living in his apartment--were you setting a good example of our faith to this guy in the first place?
And if this guy can lie to you about something so big, what else is he lying about? Does he have integrity?
Keep in mind God always comes first, he is your number one, not your husband. There's an analogy that says you and your husband are in a triangle with God. The closer you are to God, the closer you are to your husband--it's a bond between the three of you. How can that happen if he is not a believer?
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness
and wickedness have in common? What fellowship can light have with
darkness? -2 Corinthians 6:14
God has a plan for you. He has someone for you. If this guy isn't open to it, I don't think he's the one God has planned for you.
I'm so, so, so sorry he lied to you and so, so, so sorry that things turned out this way. Will pray for your continued strength - I wish you only the best (or, at the very least, better) in the future!
Pre-marital counseling. Find a good pastor who can do it. It's always a good idea.
Religion is NOT something you should base a relationship on. You love this guy. He is not someone else just because he's not Christian. Don't throw something good away for this.
Yes, it was wrong of him to lie, but there was a reason: he wanted to be with you. Actually, I think maybe you shouldn't have made him feel like you'd reject him over religion. Religion isn't something that should (or can) be forced on somebody.
I'm not saying you're a bad person, but if he's a good guy, go for it! Nice guys are so hard to find! Anyone can say they're Christian, what really matters is whether they are a good person. I have met some very nice people who were atheist, and some very horrible people who were "christian." (I put the quotes because true Christians would have never behaved as these people did.)
Please, please, don't let this ruin both of your lives. You've found something wonderful.
Does Jesus and Satan have fellowship? Can darkness and light mingle together?
How can you come to an agreement when both of you don't even believe in the same thing. The issue at this point is, does God's Word and God's desires hold more prevalent than what you feel. If you are a Christian, Scripture should supercede even your own personal feelings... and a Christian and a non-Christian cannot be connected in a relationship much less a marriage...
here are some clips I think would be helpful:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ArIv2PguRA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va7nKm9Kj2k&feature=related
I think the problem here is that he lied to you about this. There's probably other stuff he has lied about. I'm sorry that you feel the problem is that he's not Christian, I think that's the least of the issues. He is a liar.
I'm currently in a marriage with a man who is not a Christian. He's a believer, but Jesus is not Lord of his life. It's extremely difficult; while I love him, I understand now why the Bible admonishes us against such a relationship. I pray for him without ceasing and am faithful that God will work in his life, but it's not a good way to live.
On the other hand, my husband was always very up-front about his beliefs. Our premarital relationship was while I was in a crisis of faith; I don't blame him at all for "tricking" me into a relationship. I, as the Christian, should have been sensible enough to end the relationship. I didn't, and I'm grateful for the life God has made out of my disobedience, but it's still a daily struggle.
God's word is a gift of mercy to us. He can work great things from our iniquity; but, of course, it's better to obey him in the first place. Good luck, sister.
He lied to you about something very important to you. He's a liar. Besides the fact that he isn't Christian or anything, the man has no integrity and was willing to date and propose to you in his lie. He did not even allow you to make the decision to date a non-Christian. He probably thought that you would accept him not being Christian after realizing his other good qualities, but that's not even the main issue for me right now. The fact that this man has misrepresented himself for his own selfishness is infuriating me. Thank the Lord that you found this out before sealing the deal.
I think the biggest problem is that he lied. Every one has guidelines for whom they choose to be with so don't be ashamed that you have one.
I'm sure even if he came to you with an open mind saying he wasn't Christian you still may have became a friend and found he may hive been the man.
The fact that he can lie to you and deceive you for his own selfish need's shows he doesn't care for you as much as he does him self. Love should be selfless.
Say your guideline was you won't be with a married man.
He lies and says he's not married (Because he is separated and in the middle of a divorce. but he doesn't tell you that either.)
You guys get engaged and he tells you afterward then says he doesn't ever intend on signing the papers... How would you deal with that...?
You can't say it's not the same because a lie is a lie... imo
@The_Innocents_Corner@xanga - Really good comment.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - @merquryd@xanga - my thoughts exactly.
And as someone who has been there, if he lied about this there are other things he lied about as well.
My ex lied about this.. and when it came out in the end he had lied about many many many other things as well....
Also, I married someone who wasn't Christian. He believed there was a higher power, but that's pretty much the extent of it. I tricked myself into thinking there was hope because we would pray together until one day when I was thinking of my relationship with Christ (which was in a crisis) and realized that he and I weren't praying to the same God. I felt that I would never really connect with him on a spiritual level because he did not understand the things I was going through spiritually. It's more than just religion. If you believe that a marriage should have God in it, then a marriage without God is not a marriage. I talked to him about it and it was almost the downfall of our marriage. Eventually, he opened himself up to the idea of Jesus and I'm thankful that God changed his heart. He recently got saved and baptized. Our marriage is better for it. My husband was always very loving and attentive, but there has definitely been a change for the better in the both of us. It worked out for us and I thank God that he has blessed my marriage. All I can say is pray and trust in the Lord to guide you.
@pearsandpopsicles@xanga - Very good points, I agree.
This guy seems a little wonky, especially that he lied about being a christian, just to get with you. Atleast you found this out before you got married.
First off, why were you living with him if Christianity is such a big concern to you? But I think the bigger problem is that he was lying to you from the very beginning.
@proana_emokitty666@xanga - I think "religion" is as good criteria as any to create dating standards. It's like how some people will only date people who want kids. You want to marry someone who is like minded. For someone whose religion is important to them, why wouldn't you have that as part of your dating criteria? Anyways, this is really besides the point for me. The point is the man lied to her for his own gain and misrepresented himself. They've been engaged since September and he has just revealed the truth to her. If that isn't a big red warning flag, I don't know what is.
@pearsandpopsicles@xanga
- You call yourself a Christian, so I'm wondering why you were living in his apartment--were you setting a good example of our faith to this guy in the first place?I was wondering the same thing.
@pearsandpopsicles@xanga - yessss
@merquryd@xanga - what I mean is, sure, it's ok to have it as a good characteristic, but when everything else about the guy is great, why throw it away for that one reason? Most people I talk to, you can't guess their religion from just talking to them unless it's brought up or they have a mark of their religion (clothing, i.e.). I've had friends from several different religions: Christianity, Wicca, Pagan, Muslim, Atheist, Agnostic, Buddhist. They were great people.
Plus, as I pointed out, religion doesn't make you a good or bad person. Your actions do. Every religion is made up of both good and bad people. However, I'm pretty sure judging someone, including based on their religion, is a bad thing. If he lied, it was probably because of pressure. Everyone makes mistakes. At least he came clean about it instead of continuing to deceive her. I think instead of just breaking it off she should talk to this guy, at least try to work things out. She should find out why he lied, first off. Then try to make things work.
As for her living with him, that's her decision, people. I doubt you're all perfect.
@proana_emokitty666@xanga - I don't think you understand because you're not a Christian...if you're a Christian, your relationship with God is more important than anything or anybody else. Also, the Bible says not to marry non-Christians because there will be conflict from differing worldviews, and the believer's relationship with God may suffer. Also, if they have kids, there will be even more drama. Would you marry someone who has a completely different worldview than you and isn't even interested in accepting it? Probably not.
I'm also wondering why the OP was living with her boyfriend if she says she's a Christian...usually if you're living together before marriage, you're having sex before marriage as well, which is a sin.
I'm going to echo what alot of people here have already said; This isn't about religion, this is about honesty. Whether or not it is morally right to base one's relationhip on religion isn't the issue here. The issue is that he lied to you about something that you obviously consider important, with the sole purpose of forming a relationship with you. That is Extremely manipulative! And the fact that he was so frank about confessing it just screams arrogance. He dumped it in your lap five months into your engagement; he clearly thought that you wouldn't leave, that you were too emotionally invested into him to uphold your own moral standards.
Then there's this whole issue he has with rules and 'the christian lifestyle'. The fact that you two were living together is clear indication that you're not the most devout christian. And that's fine, few people are. But it still begs the question as to what 'rules' exactly he objects too. What is so abhorrent to him that he is willing to risk his relationship with you by confessing his non belief?
Same thing happened to me....non-practicing nJewish guy professed to believe Christian tenets and be a seeking Christian, and his late wife had been a Christan and they were raising their children in a Christian church. Several months into the engagement, I found that what he was telling me was completely untrue...he wasn't continuing to take his kids to church or read the Bible with him as he had told me...he woudlnt' go to church with me regularly....he refused to "abandon his family" by becoming a Christian. Completel deal-breaker. I tried to use the rational "Well, Jesus loved everyone, and wants us to love everyone, right?" but the more I tried to make it work, the more glaring inconsistencies I saw that I just couldn't live with, as a Christian. His value system, in his actual real life with his kids, was incompatible with the Christian values I had grown up with and that I wanted for my own children.. I had to break things off, because I couldn't live like that. I felt that I was totally led by a wolf in sheep's clothing. He lied to me and misrepresented himself to win me over. That is completely and utterly wrong! Only then did I really learn what being "unequally yoked" meant. It woudlnt' have worked.....despite the love, we had no real faith basis for our lives in common at all, although it SEEMED like we did at the beginning. All talk and not reality.
@cute_sushi@xanga - I was trying to leave my own religion out of it, because that doesn't affect the question. But yes, I would (and did) marry someone with a completely different view from mine.
I'm vegan, whereas my husband is a fan of meat, cheese, and many other non-vegan foods. I know this isn't a religion, but it is something I'm very dedicated to and have been for many years now, and I believe very strongly in it. We have a child as well. We did have some arguments about whether I can raise her vegan. In the end, we decided on her being mostly vegetarian, with occasional meat, until she is old enough to chose for herself. Children shouldn't be taught that they have to follow a religion or belief, because then they will do it because of tradition instead of an actual belief from themselves. I love my husband, no matter how many dead animals he shoves in his mouth.
We also differ on many other beliefs, but we don't love each other any less because of it.
I am not against religion. I think it's great to have something you believe in and stand up for. I believe in veganism and animal rights. (Once again, I know this falls under personal beliefs, not religion.) Just because my husband doesn't believe in it doesn't mean I'm going to destroy our relationship and our lives by trying to force it on him or leaving him.
Religious intolerance is horrible. It's caused many deaths throughout history and present day...not just against Christians, but all religions. It's as bad as racism.
Mistakes are not so bad if we learn from them. Repent and ask God's forgiveness and thank Him for the lie being exposed. Dump this liar and in future don't set up a home with someone who is not your husband. I can't help but think there would be signs that this guy was not a believer. We are known by our fruit after all. Someone who takes their faith seriously would not have moved in with you even if you were willing. Something tells me that over those months...there were other things that told you something was wrong, but likely you ignored them. Anyway, don't dwell on the past.....we all make mistakes and experience consequences for them...as mentioned, the important thing is that we learn from them.....that is part of the repenting process. Praise God for watching over you.
@proana_emokitty666@xanga - I actually agree with@cute_sushi@xanga that religion is a perfectly valid dealbreaker for a relationship. I'm completely with you that religion or lack of doesn't make you a bad person or bar people from being friends or even bar some relationships --but because it plays such an important role for the OP, it is a valid dealbreaker for this particular relationship since it'll be a constant source of conflict. Dealbreakers don't really have to be rational things, they're just things that you find yourself unable to overlook. And I'm not religious by the way.
To the OP, I'm sorry that happened, but I think you're doing the right thing in breaking up with him. Maybe he would have come around in the future, but if you're getting married, then it has to be to somebody that you can accept as they are today --you can't get married to somebody that you can't accept, with the intention that you'll be able to change them.
@proana_emokitty666@xanga - Like I said before...If you're a Christian, your relationship with God is more important than anything else. Veganism is not more important to you than your husband, so you two can be together. But Jesus should be more important to a Christian than their husband, child, etc. And it's not about "religion"...it's about a personal relationship with God. It's not something you just "believe in and stand up for". Our relationships with God shapes our entire lives. It's not something that you can just compromise on.