Monday, 27 December 2010
I started going to Church about two years ago.
I had always believed in a mythical "something" but really didn't know in my own mind what "it" was.
I had been working in a prison and would often speak to the chaplain about God and the Bible. She put up with a lot, as I threw questions after questions at her. I think in some situations I may have been quite insulting without realizing it. Eventually, though, her advice to me was this: "Go to church, see what you think, you may hate it, you may love it, but try it out."
So I did just that. I went along to my local church and met some fantastic people, heard some great things, and generally felt on cloud nine. People I knew at work were asking me if I "was on something" as I seemed to be so happy and walking on air. When I thought more about it, all I could think was that the Holy Spirit had entered me and was showing the joy of Jesus to me.
However, over time this feeling faded. I became annoyed at how the Church was run and what I saw as a lack of God in my life. I tried another church where the teaching was great but I knew no one there, it was tiny yet I knew hardly anyone. I decided to move on again.
Now throughout this time I was struggling with sin. Sin that I had prayed to God to take away from me, to save me from. Yet I would go for a few weeks and then sin again. What was even weirder is I got no joy out of the things that I did before and couldn't understand why I was sinning.
I spoke to friends in the third church I attended and some said it was normal, others said it was the devil. I guess I found that blaming the devil was far too easy. I know its me doing this and I want to stop yet I never seem to be able to kick the habit.
One friend, during a Bible study, said that Jesus forgives sin, yet when we do sin it is like Jesus being crucified all over again, so why sin? I understood this, but yet the same pattern emerged. Fine for a few days/weeks then back to sin.
What confused me more was that when I was with Christian friends I have no problems. I feel encouraged. I feel good. I don't even think about sinning. Yet when i am on my own I struggle immensely!
Why do I keep sinning? Why do I do it when I know how much it hurts God? What can I do to stop for good? I am so desperate for God's forgiveness, yet no I deserve nothing of the sort. I just want to be a better Christian and know God's love and peace.
How do I get saved, and feel like I did those first few church-going weeks? I trust in God yet I hurt God constantly -- why should he save me? Any help is greatly appreciated.
How do you respond? Why do we keep sinning despite our relationship with God? How can we be close to God when all we do is hurt Him?