I recently had the pleasure of spending some time with my stepsister. Thankfully, she is one of the few friends who still talks to me and that I get along with -- and is even more cool now that she is family!
As per usual, we started talking about just about everything, but in particular religion and relationships. Both of us were raised in Christian homes, and both our parents are still devout Christians. I wouldn't say my sister and I have "fallen to the wayside," but merely we each believe we need to find "God" our own way. There are just so many things about modern Christianity that I have problems with, the modern Church being just one of them -- until further notice I refuse to be married in a church or have religious vows but that's not what this post is about.
One of the things we talked about is people basing their relationships solely on the premise of, "God wants us to be together." Now, on one hand, that's great. You have a higher power who has relieved you of that decision making process -- hurray! Picking a mate is one of the hardest things you will ever do in my mind. But here is a problem we both discussed.
When does a relationship go from being based mutually on a religious standpoint to just being one based on guilt? I really can't figure out the best way to word that question, but I can give an example of what I'm talking about through personal experience.
Some of you -- whoever might be reading this -- might be familiar with the relationship I had last year with my now ex-fiance. Both of us were practicing Christians -- I don't really like that phrase, but whatever -- and both of us at one point were in the agreement that God wanted us to be together, and I think I believed that more than he did. A few months later, we were engaged, and I was going to be with him for the rest of my days. There was no doubt about it, God wanted it and so did I.
The problem I am starting to suspect now is that my firm belief that we were destined to be together because of the Divine created a sort of guilt effect for him. He wasn't as sure as I was, but because I and a lot of other people kept saying it was, "God's will" I think he kept the relationship going and took it further than he wanted to because he felt guilty, guilty because he wasn't as convicted as the rest of us. If so many were so sure it was what God wanted, what room did that leave for him to have what he wanted?
Thinking back, I can see how it could have been just guilt, and not love, that kept us together for so long.
This leaves me with another question:
If you leave everything up to God, doesn't that negate his gift of free will? What are your thoughts?
True
Comments (7)
i think that any couple staying together out of obligation makes for a miserable relationship. that's why i hate it when people say that married couples should tough it out... or even worse, "stay together for the kids." there's a difference between going through rough times, and simply not wanting to be with someone.
when i was Christian, i was all about "leaving it up to God." as a result, i was often very depressed, introverted, etc. and i just assumed that it was the kind of life God wanted me to live. not everyone gets to be happy, after all. but a huge part of becoming agnostic was the realization that if i was unhappy with life, it was my responsibility to change it. if i'm unhappy, i have no one and nothing to blame but myself. i really think some people are simply uncomfortable or afraid of that kind of responsibility, and so they'd rather leave it all up to someone else (God, for example).
Well, that's assuming you're ready for marriage. There's a possibility that you aren't, but I can't actually say because not only do I not know you, but I'm not sure what determines whether someone is ready or not. That's something that's left up to God.
But leaving things up to God doesn't mean neglecting it. Even though I may not know when I'm ready, I still continue to grow. For relationships, it means dedicating that bond to God instead of our own selfish desires (not saying that your marriage was for selfish desires). It's a reason to be proactive in our lives because we know that God has held us accountable for the lives we have been given. We simply choose to have hope that our efforts are not in vain because God is in control.
It's not just "practicing Christianity" because that doesn't usually mean as much. I think it's more like directing the overflow of the heart from God's love toward each other because of the increased capacity to love and, at the same time, growing in Christ together.
[If you leave everything up to God, doesn't that negate his gift of free will?]
Yes, and that's why I'm not a Calvinist. And if you read I Cor. 7 (specifically v. 39), you will see that God allows freewill for marriage.
Our free will comes into play when we decide to follow God; once that decision is made, we are surrendering the "sovereignty" of our lives over to God to do His will.
Another way to look at it is that we make the decision to walk in the Truth, but once we decide to do that, there are certain things that we are no longer free to do; just as Romans 5 says; "18 You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. 20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Concerning the topic of this post; I think it should be fairly obvious that many people think that things (such as marrying a specific person) is the divine will of God.... while that marriage may be within the bounds of God's will (as in He's not opposed to it) that is different than being His express and Divine will.
Perhaps it would be wise not to try to "bind" people into a marriage by saying "this is God's will" when it may not be.
ok wait.... in my experience as a Christian there is a difference between feeling guilty and feeling convicted. Holy Spirit convicts us when we do something we know we shouldn't, or don't do something we know we should, or are generally messing up.
Satan however uses guilt to draw us away from God.
When we are walking in freedom in Christ, there is NO guilt, because we are forgiven. However, we still experience conviction.
When I met my husband I knew quickly that he was the man God had picked for me.
I did not feel guilt, I did not feel conviction... I felt LOVE.
And no its not always that crazy-mad-passionate-must-have-you-here-and-now love. Its just love.
We prayed together that if it was in God's will for us to be together then He would show us the way. And 15 months after we met, he moved and we got married.
I don't think, you both came together out real falling in love. Rather, it was because God brought you together. So now, guilt came in because you both didn't have the love it takes to make a relationship, and is where it is now. I don't think, God had anything to with your getting together, but it was just your thoughts and what others said. You need to pray and you will find out what it is someday.
Lot's of Christians have a failure to launch problem. When you need no intervention, don't let them get in the way.