Thursday, 02 December 2010
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Dealing With Failure: I Watched Porn
I watched porn a few days ago.It's the first time in a very long time. Satan seems to come back to me with varying degrees. Sometimes it's easy, and it isn't on my mind, I have a quick breather while he is absent for a while. Then he comes back, taking it up yet another level higher and I start panting and sinking beneath the waves. This time, it was a sea of much flotsam consisting of exam stress, girl issues and just feeling sick as of late. It was late last night, everyone was asleep and I was still downstairs studying my face off. I just find it ridiculous studying for a finals exam when the lecturer won't release the answers to the past year exams. It's like he wants us to fail or something, he ignores my emails too. Yet, it doesn't seem like a fair reason to go around gawking at people with no clothes, but it did seem totally fair at the time.
I don't understand how people could do this everyday. I feel drained like my whole life is over, to satisfy my joys is too simple. I am the drunken old woman with the lagynos (here). I am happy yet so empty and desolate inside. My soul is so easily content, that the simplest and crudest forms of a human is my joy. I am easily overjoyed at the sight of images on a computer screen.
Walking up to my room that night was one of the most conscious times where I felt the fear of God.
Normally, I can deal with walking in the dark, I live way too high in the mountains to deter anyone to traversing the hill. I was safe, but there was this overcrowding fear in my heart like never before that God was so close to just striking me down. No way to describe it except, I was walking very fast. I bound up the stairs and switched on the house alarm quickly. Inside my room, I ran under the blankets scared to brush my teeth before going to sleep. Somehow, I was hoping that sleep would come and rescue me from life.
"At a lodging place on the way the LORD met him and sought to put him to death."Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses' feet with it and said, “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me!”"So he let him alone. It was then that she said, “A bridegroom of blood,” because of the circumcision."
Exodus 4:24-26 (English Standard Version)
Circumcision was an Old Testament sacrament, the symbolism of the act representing the differentiation of Israel from other nations. While we don't have circumcision any longer, we are under the New Covenant which replaces circumcision with baptism just as the Holy Communion replaces the Lord's Supper. Galatians 2 confirms the succession of baptism from circumcision with the two words used interchangeably. The institution of circumcision was in the Abrahamic covenant, God said to Abram,
"Any uncircumcised male who is not circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin shall be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant." Genesis 17:14 (English Standard Version)
I need my heart to be circumcised. Every time I begin to live apart from the glory of God, I am ever under His wrath. Without Christ's blood covering me, and the Holy Spirit sanctifying me, I am nothing. Where the circumcision differentiated people, I need my heart different from others. Yet, I see so little love, so little peace, so little joy, so little kindness, so little patience, so little goodness, so little faithfulness, so little self-control, so little gentle. Forget that I should be having these fruits to a supernatural level. I look at others and I compare myself to them, I think the most hateful thoughts in my head. And what little gifts God has given me, I choose to use them for earthly and temporary things. Why?
"Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”" Matthew 26:41 (English Standard Version)
Following Jesus should be such an easy task, yet why am I still coming back to square one. Not living out what I know what to be right, not loving what I know is going to be faithful, not bowing down to the right god. I need to pray more, I need to love more.
Z:Dude, we need to get you a gf to entertain you and make studying easier
Z: Yah I know the feeling
Me: i needs one!Me: well, i'm not searching for one, but it would be nice.
Me: argh, i'm not ready for one. doesn't matter.
Z: what makes you say you aren't ready
Me: everything. i'm not right with God yet.
Me: emotionally i'm ready, physically too. but spiritually, i seriously doubt it.
Z: hmm
Z: I'd say pray
Z: and god will give you what you need
Me: yeah. i guess.
Me: it's easier said than done.
Me: you know that point in time when you look back and realise how stupid you were...
Me: i don't want to live life now and look back at what a dumbass i was.
What do you think about the idea of Circumcision of your heart? Do you feel this is relevant to things other than pornography?
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About the Author
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- From: llamalima@xanga
- About Me: Who am I? I am 19 year old university student, prone to stressing over about some assignment due the next day. I sometimes have time to blog mostly about Christian thoughts. In my spare time, I am also a musical connoisseur, ninja, movie junkie, and full-time hypochondriac. I may have lied about one of those, or a few.
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Comments (54)
Dang, on second thoughts, this is slightly embarassing. =P
..and my "dumbass" that I wrote is there. Cussing is bad.
i read this and it was kind of confirmation for me. I fell into that trap also a while ago only because i was lonely and I've been trying to fight it off for a while and it finally calmed down. I just hope it will stop forever because i feel ashamed even though i didnt deliberately look at it.
Jesus is the new covenant; I think circumcision (either) is more symbolic. The truth lies in your actions. Fight the good fight.
Well, one thing you can do to help is use a Christian desktop background. It's a good reminder for me.
Also, sleeping helps you remember what you study so if you can avoid procrastinating studying, you can sleep earlier so that you aren't awake and alone in those late hours. That's another thing that helps me avoid temptation.
But the one thing that prevents me from falling into temptation most is fellowship. I'm in college as well so I see the people with whom I fellowship almost on a daily basis. Because those relationships are Christ-centered, those relationships will suffer if I am not right with God. To avoid temptation, I acknowledge how much I will lose if I stray from God's Word.
I definitely agree that we're supposed to be different from the world. The baptism/circumcision applies to our entire life. I'll be praying for you.
You're pretty brave for sharing this, it's pretty awesome.
When I think about it sometimes, I hate my flesh. Despise it. It's done nothing good for me! My love for food keeps me from fasting as much as I should. My constant sleepiness keeps me from waking up early enough to pray in the morning. My lusty desires made me do things before I was a Christian that I still regret. I want to beat my flesh up, it's such a jerk, hah. I want to feed my spiritual self so much that my flesh has no choice but to back off. It gets hard sometimes, but I always remember this:
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7
"Following Jesus should be such an easy task, yet why am I still coming back to square one." So true. I'm sure we all think this at some point. Because when you're not fully doing His will, you just feel this constant weight and fear, and that's not what Christ is about. He's about freedom and happiness and I won't quit until I meet him.
Me: emotionally i'm ready, physically too. but spiritually, i seriously doubt it.
reason why i broke up w/ my ex... and he pretty much hates me for it. so now i know i made the right decision bc hes not right for me
@MiSS__NARA@xanga - Nice! Good on you...I know right? You know someone truly when they are faced with some adversity, whether be you breaking up with them, it brings out who they really are. If he hates you for breaking up with him, then I don't think they are spiritually prepared either! =)
@llamalima@xanga - exactly.. i told him we both werent' spiritually ready. i needed my time alone w/ god and he needs it too. but it sucks reading his occasional blogs reflecting on stuff about us especially cuz i still have some emotional attachment. but i'm trying my best to get over it. and hes not helping with his over-dramaticness
you should be castrated for watching porn... god will castrate you one day!
I like what @Azn_Shenobi said :))
Well, everyone has temptation and struggles with something different. I relate to your struggle with porn in that I crave physical intimacy everyday and basically get none since I'm not in a relationship at the moment. Romans 7:14-25 is a good passage that relates to how we continue to fail sometimes.
As I said on your original post, this is a wonderful post!
One of those reasons why the offer of repentance and forgiveness that Christ has made (Lk 24:47) inspires me to praise!!!!
Thoughts to consider:
How many of the other six deadly sins and actual ten commandments are broken on TV shows you watch during the week? Do you get as huffed about those as you do about porn?
Why is it you consider porn worthy of writing about, but not murder?
If sex is so damn evil, then why is it necessary for the survival of the species? This is the reason it feels good- so we'll do it and continue existing as a species.
Why would your god make us with a foreskin if it's an abomination? Why is he leaving it up to us to self-mutilate in his name?
Why does your religion consider just about every good thing about the physical world evil, and condone a life of misery and self-loathing?
@Jal_Phoenix@xanga - Nobody's saying that sex itself is evil. God made sex to feel good, but gave us boundaries to go along with it. But watching porn is lusting, which is a sin--you're reducing the person on the screen as an object to gratify your desire. And like he said before, circumcision was to differentiate the Jews from the rest of the people, and it's a symbolic act. And what do you mean by "every good thing"? Can you give some examples? God wants us to be holy and find joy from things that actually matter, not things like greed, power, control, promiscuous sex, drugs, etc. I think you're making a lot of claims without knowing much about Christianity.
@llamalima@xanga - Have you heard of accountability programs like Covenant Eyes? There's a one month free trial. And yes, you're very brave to post this online. It helps to confess our sins to another. :)
@cute_sushi@xanga - As a confirmed Catholic turned reasonable human being, I've studied religion in depth. I know more about Christianity than most people, including most Christians. This study of religion and its history is what led me to being an atheist, a choice I believe any reasonable human who actually knows the history and purpose of religion must make.
The point I was trying to make earlier is that Christians tend to make a huge deal about certain things, while ignoring others that are often far worse. Porn, in the grand scheme of things, is pretty harmless, yet there will always be some bible-banging self-righteous loon throwing the name of Jesus around to protest it. These same idiots say very little on the subject of wars, domestic abuse, opression and slavery. Why is that? Is it because all of those things are condoned by your god in that bible but porn is not? Some guy, god. Beating, murdering and enslaving those who disagree with our world view is okay, but watching anyone perform the life-affirming act of sex is not.
God put rules on it, eh? Well, god put rules on all kinds of things that we totally ignore today. Men aren't supposed to shave, for it's an abomination. No one is supposed to wear clothes made from two different types of thread because its an abomination. Women aren't supposed to wear a garment meant for a man, or vice versa, because it's an abomination. Christians today ignore all that and more, picking and choosing which parts of the bible they want to follow. Haven't you ever noticed that your religion is just an endless list of what you're not supposed to do?
I know what this is like... Until about a year ago, I struggled with my own sexual desires and finding "harmless" ways to fulfill them. As you mention, it seemed to be the area in which Satan continually tempted me - and I continually fell. I would find a way to fulfill my lust on Saturday night and then find it nearly impossible to worship in church on Sunday morning.
A year ago, I knew it was time for me to seriously deal with this area. I discovered that although what I was doing was wrong, it was motivated by something deeper - a failure to trust God with my sexuality. I spent a lot of time in prayer, praying specific prayers of repentence and prayers for freedom. For the past year, I've been walking in freedom and victory. Sure, the temptation comes, but when those times come, I once again consciously trust Christ with the sexuality He created me with and I consciously trust Him to make a way of escape in the time of temptation.
I don't know if this helps at all. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your struggles. If you are truly seeking a circumcised heart, Christ will happily and willingly grant it to you.
@Jal_Phoenix@xanga -
"How many of the other six deadly sins and actual ten commandments are broken on TV shows you watch during the week? Do you get as huffed about those as you do about porn?"I haven't watched tv in over a year, for those reasons you have said.
"Why is it you consider porn worthy of writing about, but not murder?"
I haven't murdered anyone.
"If sex is so damn evil, then why is it necessary for the survival of the species? This is the reason it feels good- so we'll do it and continue existing as a species."
Sex isn't evil, if within the boundaries of marriage.
Why would your god make us with a foreskin if it's an abomination? Why is he leaving it up to us to self-mutilate in his name?
No one said a foreskin is a abomination.
Why does your religion consider just about every good thing about the physical world evil, and condone a life of misery and self-loathing?
No. I wouldn't say I'm a miserly or selfloathing person, the joy outweighs the sorrow always.@cute_sushi@xanga - Yeah. Funny thing is, I have K9, x3watch and screenspy (made by a xangan) running on the computers.
"...but not murder?"
when the O.P. has committed murder, i'm sure he will let us know.
@Jal_Phoenix@xanga -The point I was trying to make earlier is that Christians tend to make a huge deal about certain things, while ignoring others that are often far worse.
Ok, you're right about that. Christians should try to avoid any kind of sin and live a life pleasing to God, loving Him and loving other people.
Some guy, god. Beating, murdering and enslaving those who disagree with our world view is okay, but watching anyone perform the life-affirming act of sex is not.
Can you give an example? And like I said before, porn is degrading to people (many times the women) because it makes them just an object of other people's selfish desires. Sex is supposed to be a beautiful act shared between a husband and wife who love each other, not something you can buy or sell as a product.
God put rules on it, eh? Well, god put rules on all kinds of things that we totally ignore today. Men aren't supposed to shave, for it's an abomination. No one is supposed to wear clothes made from two different types of thread because its an abomination. Women aren't supposed to wear a garment meant for a man, or vice versa, because it's an abomination. Christians today ignore all that and more, picking and choosing which parts of the bible they want to follow.
I thought you knew more about Christianity then that? First of all those laws were in the Old Testament, specifically for the Jews to set them apart from other people groups. Christians don't have to follow those laws, but the laws about sexual sin and the Ten commandments, etc still apply.
Revelife had a post about it a while ago: http://www.revelife.com/694845381/a-response-to-shaving-a-beard-is-unacceptable/
Haven't you ever noticed that your religion is just an endless list of what you're not supposed to do?
Actually, no. The reason why God gave us laws was so we could avoid unnecessary heartache and pain and to set us apart as holy. For example, pre-marital sex: unwanted/teen pregnancies, abortions, STDs, all these could be avoided if we listen to God's law and wait until we're married. The reason why you (and most people) don't like the ideas of God telling us what not to do is because we don't like authority. We want to run our own lives the way we want to, thinking we're in control. That's part of being sinful--we run away from God's good plan and try to do things our way, which can result in unnecessary hurt. Think about it: if God created us and everything else in this world, then obviously He would know what can truly satisfy us. If he says no to certain things, it's because He knows better and He knows that it'll just end up hurting us. There are benefits to following God's law. (I don't have to worry about getting an STD, getting pregnant, etc right now)
Also, rules are not always such a bad thing--you can find freedom in following the rules. If you're playing a sport and no one cares about the rules, do you think people will have fun? No, of course not. People are going to get hurt, and it would be all crazy. God's laws are not a bad thing.
@llamalima@xanga - I guess you have to remind yourself the consequences. A guy I know uses Covenant Eyes and because he doesn't want his discipler to see the porn sites he goes on, he stopped going to those sites. And of course there's always the guilt, shame, distance from God, which isn't worth the few minutes of pleasure. This other guy I know said that when you're tempted, you make a decision to give in or to resist it. So I would say to make a decision to resist and flee, putting your attention on something else.
I don't know why masturbating while you're horny is a sin, while eating a hamburger while you're hungry isn't. To me it's all just satisfying a physical need. Better to watch porn than hire a prostitute or have premarital sex I guess?
And really how do you know if you're right with God? Truth be told we're all sinners in his eyes, yet he still loves us. I think we'll always be right with God regardless.
it kills me to read how guilty christianity makes people feel for succumbing to perfectly natural biological urges. :(
@SupperMick@xanga - I know what you're saying, but stealing a hamburger just because you're hungry doesn't justify the stealing.
"“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’"But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart."If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." Matthew 5:27-29 (English Standard Version)
You are totally right that we are never right with God and we are sinners in God's eyes. Who can know? Only through Jesus Christ am I right with God. How can the debts of sin be ever repaid through a dead sinner's hand, it is futile.