Thursday, 09 September 2010
By Brett at GodlySheep
With the start of the NFL season, I thought I’d do a satirical look at which NFL teams these Biblical characters would play for and their careers if they played today.
1. Goliath – New York Giants – Linebacker
Goliath was an incredible athlete, and heavily recruited in high school, college, and the pros. At linebacker, his size is what made those on the other side of the field shiver in fear. He was an absolute terror to anyone who dared take him on. Known for his trash talk and large ego, Goliath’s career was cut short due to substantial head injuries.
2. Jonah – Miami Dolphins – Running Back
One of the fastest men on two feet, Jonah could run and dodge problems like a knife through butter. Jonah had issues with team chemistry though. He was thrown off his prior team, the Buccaneers, and was quickly picked up by the Dolphins. After playing for the Dolphins, he retired early and became a color commentator for CBS. His catchphrase was calling players “worms” and seemingly getting angry over the littlest things.
3. Elijah – Baltimore Ravens – Wide Receiver
The more the Ravens threw to Elijah, the more he caught. Elijah was also known for his running ability and an uncanny way about knowing what the defense was going to do before each play. Despite his incredible playing ability, it wasn’t defensive players, but off-field issues with women that seemed to plague Elijah the most. After retiring in blazes of glory, Elijah returned years later to play one final game with an all-star cast that included both Moses and Jesus.
4. Daniel – Detroit Lions – Quarterback
Daniel only played for a short stint with the Lions. Though highly talented, Daniel could only do so much with the team. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get them to do anything. The rest of the team never seemed to live up to their own expectations. Daniel left almost as soon as he got there.
5. Paul – New Orleans Saints – Head Coach
Originally the head coach of the Saint’s rivals, Paul, after speaking with the Saint’s Owner, saw the light, and eagerly signed on as the Saint’s new head coach. His teachings were different from what they were used to, but once he got the Saints to fully accept his coaching style, they couldn’t be stopped. Paul was most remembered physically for his large, thick glasses, and his inability to write legibly. He is also remembered for talking about having a “thorn in his flesh”, which was believed to be in reference to the Mike Ditka/Ricky Williams draft fiasco. He coached the Saints up until his death, and his teachings that remain etched in the Saints’ playbooks today, continue to inspire future Saints. Paul will go down as one of the greatest head coaches in Saints’ history.