Tuesday, 20 July 2010
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Mourning the Loss of a Child
By Sharon at SheWorshipsThis week has been a dark one in the life of our church. Our college pastor and his wife lost their precious baby boy after he was born prematurely at 27 weeks, and he lived just 24 hours. Everyone who knew the family has been absolutely devastated. A funeral was held on Friday at which the church community came together to mourn alongside of them. In the midst of tragic circumstances, the service was truly glorifying to God and a great reminder of the hope we have in Christ amidst the pain of this world. It also made me oh so grateful for the gift of the church–when Christians grieve, they never do so alone.
Since attending the funeral I have been reflecting on it a lot the last few days. In particular, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we mourn the loss of a child. I have a number of friends who have lost babies in miscarriages but I have never attended a funeral for one, nor did the idea even cross my mind. And while this most recent tragedy was not a miscarriage, the young age of this sweet boy has led me to ponder how we grieve the loss of children even younger.
Friday’s service was a beautiful picture of the church. It was an opportunity to acknowledge the pain of the loss. It was a chance to surround the grieving family and lift them up with love and prayer. It was also an important part of their healing process. And all of this leads me to wonder why we don’t do the same for mothers who have suffered a miscarriage. The loss is no less devastating; it simply occurs at an earlier stage.
As someone who affirms the value of life at every moment after conception, this seems like an inconsistency. Without passing judgment on how a family grieves a miscarriage, I would hate to think that a family felt they could not have a funeral simply because it “isn’t done” or because their baby was not old enough to be remembered in a formal service. When enduring the tremendous tragedy of such a loss, at any stage, shouldn’t we be surrounding families and lifting them up as a church community? Shouldn’t we be affirming the validity of their grief by acknowledging the very real life that was lost? Shouldn’t we be mourning with them and praising God for the life their child had, however short it may have been?
I myself have never lost a child through miscarriage so I cannot answer these questions on behalf of the mothers who have. What’s more, I do not mean to imply that there are no communities who observe the loss of an unborn child with a funeral. I am guessing there probably are. But as for the rest of us, this is an issue that warrants our reflection. How do we care for mothers grieving over a miscarriage? And is there a noticeable difference between how we respond to the loss of an unborn child versus a born child?
At the heart of these questions lies our beliefs about the sanctity and equal value of ALL life, but our answers to these questions also say a lot about who we are as a community. Friday’s service was important for the family we came to love and support. It was also a witness to the power of Christ’s Body at work. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every family received this kind of out-pouring in the event of such a loss?
That is a question I will continue to ponder. In the mean time, please keep this sweet family in your prayers as they need courage and healing in the days ahead!
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About the Author
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- From: sheworships
- Name: Sharon
- About Me: Sharon Hodde Miller is a North Carolina girl, born and raised! She is originally from Charlotte, NC, and she received her undergraduate degree and Masters of Divinity from Duke University. Sharon has worked for Proverbs 31 Ministries where she was a contributing writer to the ministry’s daily devotions and radio broadcasts. She has written for Relevant Magazine’s online articles, Lifeway’s Collegiate Magazine, Ungrind Webzine, and she continues to write and minister to women all over the world about being a Christian woman in an ever-changing culture. Sharon currently lives in Durham, North Carolina with her husband, who is currently pursuing a Master of Divinity at Duke Divinity School. If you would like to contact her regarding a speaking or writing opportunity, if you have any questions, or would like to submit a blog topic, please e-mail her at sharon(at)sheworships(dot)com.
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Comments (5)
I'm so sorry for your pastor and his wife, may the Lord comfort them during this tragic and difficult time in their life.
What I do find interesting is how black and white our society is. Some people will mourn the loss of their baby that never had the opportunity to live. While others will intentially kill the baby inside them thinking nothing of it. That's something I'll never understand.
I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your paster and his wife. My friend went through a similar circumstance. They lost their son when he was born at 22 weeks and lived for only an hour.
First we'd have to define a miscarriage. For purposes of my comment, I will term a miscarriage as something at 12 weeks or under... when you might not necessarily even "see" your baby upon miscarrying.
I think that the reason it is probably not common to have funerals for miscarriages (or some sort of service) is that you never got to "meet" the baby in the sense of seeing them. You didn't get to hold them and experience their light and love on the outside. As unfortunate as it is to lose your child in any circumstance, there is a deeper bond when you actually see and hold a child, no matter how small.
I definitely think that the church should pray for anyone who miscarries at any stage. I think that each family will grieve in their own way and should never feel ashamed to ask for help or feel ashamed because they want to have a service or do something that isn't "the norm". Everyone needs to find a way to move on from such a tragic situation.
Anyway, that's just my opinion as to why it doesn't happen as an actual service/funeral.
I never think it's easy. I've been through a miscarriage and I've been through a live birth. I've watched friends lose their children way too young (right after birth, twice).
I think this is a really big issue that often gets overlooked in the church. I have so many friends who have been devastated by miscarriages, the pain takes a long time to heal, and they often feel as though they are on their healing journey alone. I'm not sure if a full-on funeral would be appropriate for every circumstance, but maybe some kind of event, whether big or small, to acknowledge the child that was lost, grieve along with the family, and offer support, would be helpful. It would obviously be an individual thing according to what the parents' particular needs are. Overall I think it would be good at least to have more people aware of how painful and devastating the loss of a child is, no matter how far along the pregnancy was, and have a support network available for grieving parents, so they are validated and helped along in their healing journey, however they need it.
I've met several people who won't tell anyone they are pregnant for several months out of fear of miscarriage. When a miscarriage happens, it seems to be a private, hidden, almost shameful sorrow. The family mourns alone. How much better to grieve with a community, to acknowledge the real loss?
My professor's wife lost a baby through miscarriage last year. I think they grieved in a healthy way. They had a small family ceremony for the baby, named her, and framed pictures of her. My professor shared his grief (which was deep) with the Bible college community. I think it was helpful in healing them.
@Always_Thinking - I agree with you. i dont understand our society.
My cousin-in-law lost her baby boy when he was born at 20 weeks. she almost lost her baby girl who was born at 24 weeks. but emilie hope is alive and well now and 3 1/2 years old. God can turn tragedy into something good. God's hand was in this the whole time, even if we may never understand