"Alright...you talked in your post of asking the girl's father when you ask a girl on a date. What is the protocol to ask a girl on a date. I would say "Hey wanna go out with me." Perhaps with a bit more tact, but yeah, that's as much effort I go into. What is this about asking a father's blessing? ..."From
llamalima, who was wonderful enough to send me a message, there was another question, but trying to put everything together would be much too long! So we'll deal with this one question first.
My next few posts will be about asking a girl out, getting asked out by a boy, and courtship/dating and we'll go from there. Hopefully I'll cover everything that llamalima asked within those headings, but if you think I've missed something, please feel free to add your comments!
I think it is also important to note that I have the boy asking the girl out, and the girl getting asked out; this is mainly because I believe that the man should be leading in a relationship, and I think that if you start out with the girl leading -- taking the initiative to start the relationship -- it is unlikely that things will just turn around and the guys will start leading, and the girls start submitting.
I know from my post on
submission that this can be a controversial topic, please do not comment on whether you agree with women submitting or not here -- this is just the basis for what I'm saying.
1. Boys: What is the Protocol to Ask a Girl on a Date? So first of all, I don't think there is anything wrong with "Hey wanna go out with me?" -- with more tact or not. Maybe I'm just not overly romantic. In fact, that's pretty much how my boyfriend asked me out, at a church retreat, no romantic preparations or anything. I'm pretty sure he didn't even have a "with me?" at the end, leading to a bit of confusion later, but it all worked out.
The important thing is: There is no set way of asking a girl out.
Yeah, I know it sucks, but since each girl is different and comes from a different past, they want to be asked out in different ways. For example, a girl in my church who has had a few boyfriends in the past says that she would want to be asked to be someone's girlfriend rather than just "going out" with someone. If someone asked me "will you be my girlfriend?" I would have looked at them and tried not to laugh at their formality and obvious nervousness; I don't see anyone pulling off that line smoothly unless you have dated one-on-one before, which my boyfriend and I hadn't.
All that matters is that you ask her. If you don't ask, she'll just be confused -- and if you don't ask her, she'll never even have the chance to say "yes."
Before you ask her out though, ask yourself some questions:
1. Have I prayed about this? And do I think that God is giving me the green light?
2. What would be the point of this relationship?
3. Would my parental figures (spiritual as well as physical) approve of this girl, and this relationship at this time? (notice there were 3 things in that question!)
If the answer to any part of question 1 and/or 3 is "no" then I would say, don't ask her. Continue preparing yourself for a relationship in the future. If your answer to number 2 is anything other than "to see if she is the girl I want to marry," then you should not be asking this girl out.Make sure you share with your new girlfriend the answers to these three questions as well. It will put her mind at ease, if she should ever doubt your heart.
2. What is This About Asking the Father's Blessing?I think the main question here is: Why?
Really, I think this is the first opportunity for a guy to lend his strength to his new girlfriend, to show her that he can lead, and of course, to win brownie points with the girl's dad, who for most girls is a fairly significant person in their life.
A girl will have to tell her parents eventually that she is dating -- provided the relationship is heading in the direction of "should we get married?" (more on this later). If you as the boy say, "let's go tell your parents," it shows her that you're willing to do that for her -- which for most guys can be quite terrifying -- that you're willing to stand by her, and that you're willing to lead. If she is terrified of telling her parents, it shows that you can lend her the strength that she may need, and if she isn't scared at all, it shows her that you're confident. So either way you win with her -- unless her biological dad is absent, in which case I would suggest that you approach the father figure in her life.
If your girlfriend comes from a non-christian family, make sure to approach both her physical and spiritual father. They'll both appreciate it.
Approaching the father figures in her life also gives you the chance to be mentored by them if you respect them/need a mentor and allows those father figures to have a conversation with you if they so choose. If they choose not to have one with you right then, at least they know you're willing to talk to them.
If the father says no, then you have to have a conversation with them about why. You can ask them what they would like you to do, learn or whatever in order to date their daughter. For many fathers, this can be as simple as "wait, and let me get to know you first," and for others it can be something as ridiculous as "show me your life plan for the next 10 years, and how you plan to achieve it."
No matter how ridiculous, you have to decide if it's worth it. But, at this point you have two options.
1. Back off
2. Do whatever it is he wants you to do
Realize that you will have to respect the father's wishes, as not doing so, would make the point of asking their blessing pointless. By asking his blessing, you are at the same time saying that if he would rather you not date his daughter, you will respect that and back off.
Ladies, how would you prefer to be asked out? Gentlemen, how have you gone about asking girls out? Did you ask for a father's permission?
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Comments (30)
Thanks for this one. Even though I have been a Christian for a few years now, it feels like I have a much easier time asking non-Christian girls out than Christian ones. It doesn't have anything to do with morals, its just Christian girls just act differently (in my opinion).
My now-husband asked me out and it had nothing whatsoever to do with my parents. My parents were divorced, I was 18 and already an independent adult, and the relationship was about me and him, not both of us plus my entire family (though they all love him to death.)
We told them that we were dating, but there was no asking of any kind.
Same for the wedding - I specifically did not want the typical "who gives this woman to be married to this man". No one "gave" me, I was and am my own person and I willingly gave myself to him and that was that.
@FOXHOUND_HQ@xanga - I feel the exact same way. The courtship/dating world in the church is a totally different ballgame than the secular version
this is quite outdated... honestly , way too traditional
Thanks for requesting comments only from people who agree with the entire foundation of your patriarchal view of relationships, and congratulations on effectively discounting the opinions of the rest of us.
To answer your question properly, I SHOULD say that I don't believe in the submission of one sex to another. I believe we're equal, that's how I'll treat you, and that's how I want to be treated in return. But since I'm not allowed to say all that, pretend I didn't, and I'll just go with something like this: I am not interested in a relationship with any guy who clings to antiquated gender roles and assumes that he should make the first move/talk to my dad/other assorted crap because he's a guy. If you think I'm cool, I don't care if you ask me out, but don't do it because You're The Guy and I'm The Girl, or I'll say no. If you ask my dad's "permission" I'll tell you no. If you open doors for me because of my sex, I'll avoid you. I couldn't be in a relationship with any guy who wouldn't be as comfortable with me asking him out.
@TheLuckiestWomanEver@xanga - I see where the traditional courtship thing has a purpose, but I agree, I really don't care one way or the other if her family is involved in the initial dating stage. If her family does that sort of thing, then I'll follow through, but if not, I prefer the relationship be about God, her and me.
I had a girl that I wanted to date, we had talked for a while, and I wanted to date her. So I asked her, and she said no. She simply wasn't ready to date at that point in time, and so she turned me down. We continued to talk, and everything moved on. When it came to the point in time, that she was ready to date, she approached me. This did not bother me, as I understood why she rejected me in the first place, and if I had approached her, it would have been like I was bugging or naggin her or something. So I waited, and she brought the subject up when she was ready.
So I don't think that in all circumstances that it should be the guy, in my situation, I would simply have been putting pressure on her and driving her away.
As for asking her father for permission, I decided not to, as her father had been recently released for molesting her, and I just didn't really feel, that he was the best one to be asking. She also didn't really have a spiritual father, but we shared a minister, and I had a counseling session with him, before asking her out, because there were some Biblical issues that had to be worked out regarding our pasts, and he knew all the gory details of both of us. He seemed supportive, and so we moved on, closer to dating.
First of all. Great post. Definitely gives me some insights into my dating life. (or rather lack of..) But anyways, Here's my question...if each girl has their own way of wanting him to ask her out...how do you find out without having to take the risk of a "botched approach."
Now I know in order for any relationship to start, at least one side has to take the risk of getting to know that person. In my case, I firmly believe that I have to do it since I am the man. But if there is anyway I can find out the best way to ask her out then I'd be able to make a calculated risk so that it doesn't seem like a wildcard situation. Yeah...I have to admit...I am that socially awkward. All I'm saying is, any insight would help.
@Conartist@xanga - get to know the girl, before asking her out. Like in my situation, we had talked for a while, and I knew that she did not like it when previous boyfriends did flashy, romantic gestures in front of lots of people. So when I asked her out, I kept it simple, private, and straightforward. Granted, she still turned me down, but not because my approach was wrong,
how will God be most glorified?
There is no Bible given formula to how to get a girl. trust me i looked. but the important thing is that you remember that she is a sister in Christ and a daughter of God before being anything else to you.
whether you do it traditionally or untraditionally remember its not about you, its not about the girl/guy, or family, (although theses things are important things to remember) ultimately it is about God. as a guy God has revealed to me that its the guy who is responsible for guarding the heart of his sister in Christ. so yeah.
personally i dont plan to date until i see myself happily married in one or two years just trying to focus on my relationship with God. in His time i will know when to pursue a girl for the glory of God.
I would never ask a girl out in connection with a place of worship. A place of worship is just that and what if the situation becomes uncomfortable? I'd be concerned that she might feel uncomfortable about the probability of bumping into me every time she went there so I'd probably stop going. Not coming onto a female in a place of worship is my way of protecting and honoring their right to worship without fear of being hit on, sort of like a safe haven. I suppose you can make the same argument for not coming on to someone in a school or a diner or almost anywhere but for me I keep attempts at dating out of places of worship.
As for asking a girl out elsewhere. I make approving eye contact and it's either reciprocated or not. If it's reciprocated I wait for her to approach me and say hi. The ice is already broken by then and girls are never required to come up with some silly one-liner. Still, definitely not in a place of worship.
My first (and long-term) boyfriend had coffee with my dad a few times before we ever even went out on a real date. We met online, and was very unexpected. He wanted my dad to be comfortable with us going out.. so offered to do whatever it took for my dad to feel comfortable, which meant getting to know him better. I love how it was so traditional, and he showed he was serious by not running in the opposite direction when it got tough. He could have easily given up and gone for another girl, but he said he was going to do whatever it takes to be with me. My dad asked so many questions, and I'm sure it was an uncomfortable experience. He persisted and pursued me.
He grew up in church as a kid, but was not saved/Christian like my family so my dad was skeptical about how the relationship would end up, but released to decision into my hands. I decided to date him. My boyfriend always came to church with me, then began to ask questions, grow, and eventually wanted to get saved. He is growing a lot spiritually, is involved with the church worship team, and we want God to be the head of our relationship. It amazes me how much our relationship has developed. My family loves him, and my dad has given a full blessing on our relationship and my parents suspect we'll be married soon, and theyre right. We've talked about getting married within the next year. He plans to ask for my dad's blessing on our marriage before he ever proposes, I love that.
I'll just say, if some guy asked my dad if he could date me, I would assume he didn't see me as the grown-up that I am and react accordingly: not date him. Why this idea that women are too stupid to make their own decisions about who they date and need parental permission, even when they are adults?
And I strongly disagree that the only viable answer to number 2 is that you want to see if you could marry her. I dated a guy with that attitude once and it was WAY too much pressure. I think it's perfectly ok to date someone just for fun and not be serious right away. The main thing that matters is that both people are on the same page about how serious the relationship is, how far they will go physically, etc. Wanting to be serious right from the beginning is a great way to make your date feel too pressured to make a decision based on what they really want and what's best for them. If you want to get serious later and consider the person a potential marriage partner, that's great, but no need to ask her what she wants to name the kids on the first date. (She might not even want kids for all you know!)
And another thing that I think should be mentioned: do not ask her out if she has given no indication at all that she is interested. If she is interested, she will show it in some way, unless she's really shy. And if she's really shy, be friends with her before you spring the dating stuff on her.
My boyfriend actually did ask my dad's permission. It wasn't a requirement by my dad or me, but it was how he was raised. I personally love the idea! In the past, if guys had been required to ask my dad's permission to date me, I would have been saved so much trouble! My dad could have filtered those dumb boys out so quickly for me! But my boyfriend definitely earned brownie points. My dad was a bit confused though. Dad thought he was asking to marry me! haha.
My husband and I got to know each other through Bible Study and a Christian organization on campus in college. He asked me out and initially I turned him down because I was going back to school after dropping out before.
Eventually I went to him and we just started talking and hanging out getting to know one another. He asked me agian and I said yes. We were friends first. I prayed lots about if I should say yes or not before he asked me agian.
Asking my parents would havest been wierd as they were not Christians.
And I was a nontraditional student coming back at age 26. It would have been really wierd.
His mom thought we should sleep together before marriage and at the very begining of our dating relationship to see if we were compatible. My mom, still doesn't like him to this day and says I should divorce him.
Niether of us have good relationships with our dads very well.
We just celebrated 11 years of marriage, we decided to let our marriage glorify God in our own way not the way our parents think it should be.
This is dating in a bubble, eh?
It's nice in a fantasy Christian world. Unfortunately, there of those of us with ex-pastor cheating fathers, and jaded church staff for too long mothers. If a guy could track down my father and ask him first, I'd run the other way.
@patman739@xanga - I wish there was a 'like' button on here like on facebook. You are absolutely right. It should be that way for both men and women, as women can be found asking men out as well.
i agree with this post completely.
but then, i'm one of those "patriarchal" "outdated" "traditional" "bubble" people.i guess that if the guys and girls views of relationship are so different that the guy would want to ask the girl's father and the girl would be offended if he did, they probably shouldn't be in a relationship anyway...i guess the answer to whether you should ask the girl's father is to ask yourself what kind of view of father/daughter/husband/wife/family relationships you want the girl you choose to date/marry to have. if you want a girl with traditional (biblical?) views, then that girl and her family will probably both want you to ask her father. if you want a girl with more modern independent views, then asking her father probably isn't necessary - except possibly, if the girl doesn't mind, as a way to keep the peace with her family if they are more traditional than she is.
I'm all for--and fulling intend on--asking the permission of the father (assuming a good relationship between the two) to marry a girl, but for the first date? The first date isn't about marriage; the first date is about getting to know each other. You go on a few dates and then at some point the titles, "boyfriend/girlfriend" come out and that's when it becomes an actual relationship that ought to take marriage into account as a possibility. Any father that requires a conversation like that before the first date clearly doesn't trust his daughter (which may or may not be justified) and is being excessively protective.
I dont know about the whole asking her father thing. I suppose if you are young it might show you are respecting her parents but realistically the idea of courting came before the adolescent rise with the founding of public schools in the 1950's and the term teenager. things are different now really. I think the guy should meet her parents after a few dates but unless the guy is a jerk, I dont know why either should "ask permission" to date. In the end, if they like one another it is between them; however, the guy would do good to sit down with the father and ask about curfews and stuff to respect her family.
Being 27 right now and single, it would be odd for me to ask a female out and seek her fathers permission, lol.. but after a while I would want to meet him sure. The problem with the church is instead of seeking out realistic ways to teach teens about dating, they try to spoon-feed outdated ideas like courting to them. Teach them moral and ethics and the love of God and the importance of purity. Sit down with them and ask them how they want to date and tell them your ideas, maybe compromise a bit if possible. And if your kid is wanting to date, you should be talking to them about sex one way or another. I would strongly disagree with sex before marriage but tell my kid if they have sex they better use protection - unrealistic? Something like 80-90% of people have sex before the age of 18 and even those who go through stuff like True Love Waits have about the same statistics. Sad maybe but true
Just ask me out. Don't get deep with it; it's really not that serious. If you like me and you want to ask me out, just do it.
Unfortunately, no one's done it yet. It makes me wanna say "intercourse this fodder" and just ask them. I don't have time for the foolishness that is waiting for a guy to get some nerve.
I don't really have a choice. My dad is super traditional, as are my brothers. After a few unsuccessful relationships, my brothers decided they were going to take any prospective and interested guys out to dinner. If they don't approve, he gets axed. If they do, the guy passes and then has to get permission from my dad. If my dad doesn't approve, he gets axed. If he does, it doesn't even mean we can date, just that we might be allowed to date if my dad decides we can. I assume this whole process would be entirely different if I lived far away from my family. As traditional and almost annoying as this whole thing is, it is nice to know that my family is simply trying to keep me from getting hurt and used as has happened before--without going through the approval process. So anyway, I think I'd prefer the guy spend time getting to know me as a friend and spend some time around my family so my brothers and dad can get to know him. I don't think the approval of the father is anywhere near outdated.
@TrumvilleOrbison@xanga - Sorry, I was asking for no criticism on submission on that post as I was thinking it would all be on my bog, where the submission post also was posted and I had hoped that the could be kept separate with the criticism for that, being posted on the submission post. By all means, criticise!
@Conartist@xanga - hey sorry for the late reply, xanga has been meh for me for the past week. In any case, I would suggest that you simply be yourself, if she likes you and is meant to be with you for a time, and then she will appreciate how you ask her out, however quirky, ordinary, mundane, bizarre or amusing that may be! Remember God is in charge and has a great plan for you, and that his will is always wonderful! (Jer. 29:11, Romans 12:2)
@patman739@xanga - your comment is amazing! =)
@NightCometh@xanga - I'm sorry to hear that, but it seems like your case would definitely be an exception =P
@blacksheep - hmmm I never went on a date with anyone before my boyfriend and I were already IN a relationship, and I knew him from church...SO I don't know about this whole first date business = getting to know someone ...seems scary to me =S Although my father would say that its not that he didnt trust me, its that he didnt trust the guy =P and I suppose if its someone that I'm just getting to know, that couldn't be TOO overprotective...although when I was younger I would have said that was unnecessary and he should learn to trust my judgment (in the event that it ever happened, which it didnt) =P
@Doubledb@xanga - I don't think the Church is teaching any old fashioned spoon fed ideas...or at least not my church....and definitely not my family. we've discussed everything in my family well before dating was something I would ever have considered. My church tends to focus on all that, ESPECIALLY the father's heart, and how his AMAZING love for us should affect and change EVERY area in our lives! from being a porn addict to going to school to listening to your parents to parenting your children to being faithful to your spouse to sharing the gospel at work to GLORIFYING GOD =)
@sakuramitsukai@xanga - that sounds scary =) But at least you know that any guy willing to go through that is definitely likes you!
@christiangirl@datingish - Yes, I'm always the exception. Therefore, I don't matter.
@christiangirl@datingish - I meant spoon-fed generally. A lot of parents and churches dont teach their children to think just listen and obey, giving no reasons. All I am saying is courting is an outdated form of dating culturally... but I also dont think the "dating" you see on tv dramas or reality tv is any good either. Sometimes, I dont even think anyone should date until they are in highschool or college, I just dont think people are mature enough to share that bond with another person, because we are such a selfish culture. And even deeper than that I think people should focus on creating friendships first and only consider dating second as one of both develop feelings and express it after knowing one another over some amount of time (this is ideally of course),