Wednesday, 31 March 2010
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All Dressed-Up and No Place to Go: How Unemployment Affects the Christian Man
Kinda like Forrest Gump sitting on this bench, an unemployed adult male is an awkward thing to watch. In the spirit of full disclosure, let me say that I'm not a behavioral scientist, just a recently unemployed male who's speaking from a first-hand, front-row position. I'm sure that there are exceptions but men are wired to be hunter-gatherer-providers. When we're not doing that hunter-gatherer-provider thing (a.k.a. we're unemployed), we're just a fish out of water and it's usually not a pretty sight.
Sure, the first few days are good. We catch-up on things we've been meaning to do around the house or maybe play a round of golf. Secretly, we're wondering what people are thinking:- "I wonder why he lost his job?"
- "Does he expect his wife to support him while he just sits around the house?"
- "Does he think she's his Sugar Mama?"
- "How long is she gonna put up with this?"
- "Is he really looking for a job?"
- "Is he being prideful or too picky?"
The truth is that when we are not providing for our family, men are unfulfilled. Some men may not realize that this is the source of their frustration but I'm convinced that when we are not fulfilling our God-given responsibilities, we know that something is just not right. I want to be the provider and when I'm not, nothing else can substitute for that.
Early in our marriage, Julia made more money than me. You may want to read an earlier post I wrote about her in which I boasted that I married-up. My first career lasted 20 years and the vast majority of that time I was the principal bread-winner. In my subsequent career, she again outpaced my income. Julia was fully supportive of my career change but I confess that I've never been completely comfortable when Julia brought home more income than me. It's not about the money but rather, it's about what the money represents: provision. The people who know me well will testify that I'm not particularly competitive, I just understand my role and responsibilities. I'm not driven to be wealthy but I am driven to be the family provider.
So what does a wife do when her husband becomes unemployed? Shoot; how would I know? I've never been the wife of an unemployed guy! Here are my thoughts anyway:
- Affirm his self-worth
- Acknowledge that unemployment robs him of at least some of his dignity
- Encourage but don't nag
- Pray for him
- Pray for the right opportunity to present itself and for him to recognize it
- Help him identify as many of his skills and talents as you can so that he can better see what options may be open to him
- Encourage him to "cast his net wide"
- Be patient
Just for the record, my wife has done an exceptional job on each of these. Remember that this is a season in your life and some seasons can be tough but no season lasts forever.
What do you see as the challenges for unemployed men and their families during these challenging economic times?
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- From: kensummerlin
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Comments (9)
Excellent post. As wife, who is unemployed...I am glad I was able to read your experience and know I am not alone. It is hard. I am looking... yet I haven't been able to find one.
I rec your post...
I have been unemployed for about a year, I have put my resume out there, and burned some shoe leather but nothing has come up yet.
I may not have children or a wife, but I gave up my dreams straight out of school to help support my siblings and parents.
In four years I have managed to own my family's home outright, but now without a job, I am at there mercy. If they couldn't pick up the bills, I would lose everything. Like a sinking ship with me tied to the mast.
The best I can do is keep trying, pray, take up hobbies, and count on my friends and family.
It is so hard not to lose faith. It makes me feel so alone, like a death row inmate waiting for a reprieve.
@AceValentineRocks@xanga - "... like a death row inmate waiting for a
reprieve." Wow! That was a painful image!
Let me make a couple of suggestions that have been helpful for me:
1. Pace yourself. A person can only take so so much rejection in any given week.
2. Use this time to serve others. Mow someone's yard, wash their car, visit a friends elderly parent in a nursing home, etc. God honors service.
3. Explore your other interests and how you can translate them into a completely new career. My interest in writing has translated into a new career as a freelance writer for several magazines.
4. Sign-up for alerts on various job sites.
5. Consider taking a 'temp job". (In my first career, I frequently converted an exceptional "temp" to a full-time employee, after they had proven themselves.)
May God bless you and restore you as you go through this season of both challenge and rest.
"The truth is that when we are not providing for our family, men are
unfulfilled."
then Christian men need to find something more permanent to identify themselves with. maybe this one of the reasons why i steer clear of Christian guys when it comes to dating. i'm not sure i could stand being married to a man that sees providing for his family as the only measurement of his self-worth.
I feel like this post would be a lot more useful (and, um, readable) if it were about unemployed PEOPLE. As opposed to unemployed men with wives who don't work. It's 2010.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - Right on. If a guy who's looking interested is (or discloses he is) Christian, that puts me on the alert and I suddenly have to ask what his opinions are on women, gender roles, minority sexual orientations, child-rearing, women in authority...oh my. I mean, not that these aren't things I have to find out about ANY guy, but sadly, it's just a lot worse, generally speaking, in the Christian community.
wow i find this post very accurate. i having just changed carrers and just recently married, i find myself making less money working less hours then my wife and although i understand it all in my head, my heart is telling me something differant and i would believe that God the creator of the earth and universe who also knows me and the number of the hairs of my head design me to be the provider of my wife and future family. He put that deep within my heart and i didn't relize it till today! Lately i too have been frustrated and i couldn't place my finger on it but now i know! by the way women are to beloved and worry free and well taken care of ! Jesus style!
@redneck_geno - Glad to know that this resonated with you!
@redneck_geno - Thing is, women are actually PEOPLE. Adults, even. Not pets. Not children. If women want to work (and tons of us do), what is not helpful is a man who calmly tries to keep us on a pedestal or in a gilded cage while he goes off to work hard for the money. If I personally were tied to a man like that, I would *not* be "worry free"--nor would I feel loved or "well taken care of." Anything less than equality in a relationship is unacceptable to me.