A few years ago, I attended an uber-conservative Pentecostal church and -- along with girls wearing long skirts, no earrings, and not cutting their hair -- my pastor's wife suggested that I not date anyone that I go to church with. At first, I thought that it was a counter-productive idea because wasn't the ideal for two Christians to meet in church and fall in love? Of course, she assured me that I certainly wouldn't want to date someone who wasn't a Christian. She was very sincere in her advice about dating someone outside of my church. I loved my pastor's wife and even after all these years, I still do. I finally realized what she meant by instructing me not to date within my church. She didn't want me to date someone in the same church I was attending in the tragedy that the relationship failed. If so, I would be tempted to change churches, leave my pastor, and all my church family just because a relationship didn't work out. Also, when dating someone within the church, you open yourself up to all sorts of scrutiny, over-attention to your private life, and unsolicited advice from church folk.
Would you ever date someone in your church? Have you ever dated someone in your church and it went wonderfully right or terribly wrong?
Comments (23)
I church hop for guys. I'm quite sick of it...it's taken it's toll. I have no home anymore.
I've dated one boy, and he's from my home church. We met in youth group in 4th grade, started dating in 11th (though everyone says it was more like 8th), and now are planning on moving to the same city for grad school next year. We're from a big church, with a youth population of at least 100 in 7th-12th, so it wasn't too awkward. I wouldn't want to date someone in a small church where I couldn't avoid him.
I love having our faith background in common, and I love that our families are close because of church, too. He's going into the ministry, so we have years of church to come, too. It's a very valuable part of our relationship.
(Also, an aside, one of our college youth group leaders is VERY in favor of inter-Cornerstone dating...he'll set people up if he gets the chance. We usually have at least 75 kids a night.)
I think it can go either way. Having been at this same church most of my life I have seen it go both ways. I mean it's absolutely precious to see a couple marry after growing up in the same church family and then start their life together in the same church. There's just 'something' about the continuation of a church generation on generation. We have some couples like that at our church. On the other hand we also have a few young people who have dated their way through most every girl at the church and the congregation probably won't ever let them live it down. I suppose in the end it would have to be a personal choice.
I disagree. If you're "dating" someone in church, then you should be "dating" them in a godly way, which means that should the relationship fail, there should be no problems. I am actually friends with all but TWO of my ex's...one of them is my husband's best friend (this other guy was someone that I almost married)... If you don't sleep with them (You shouldn't be anyways) then when you break up, it should be fine, even if it takes awhile.
:) Just my two cents tho.
I would absolutely date someone from my church. It seems to me that it's the most ideal thing to do. Although I know a lot of other Christians, I KNOW the guys from my church have basically the same beliefs and morals that I do. We are being taught the same things.
Also, I've seen a lot of issues arise when people from two different churches date. If things get serious and marriage is the end result, there are often issues as to what church they will attend together as a married couple. Should they both continue going to their own churches? I don't think that's a good idea, it causes disunity. How do they decide what church they should go to?
I suppose in either situation, it can be bad. Currently, I'm interested in a guy who goes to a different church. But, it's a church I would love to attend if we did end up together (he lives in another state entirely and attends my uncle's church, which I love). I guess it all just varies from situation to situation.
@Winsa@xanga - I 100% agree. There are ways to part amicably, and that should be the end result of a truly godly (Godly? I never know whether to capitalize this word or not) relationship. Some of them get more serious and lead to marriage... and some just... end. It shouldn't be on bad terms. Sure, it'll be slightly awkward at first, but not very uncomfortable and there shouldn't be any resentment.
Not to nitpick, but the title is very misleading; technically, it should be INTRA-church dating.
I dated a girl that I brought into the church i attend. My family used to give her rides to service, since she had no car at the time. We had our rough patches, but I didn't know we were over for sure, until the night she sent me a message via Yahoo Instant Messenger, and told me she was pregnant with another man's baby.
We still attend the same church. For that matter, we still talk. I figured there are plenty of other fish in the sea. I am not going to let one girl, stand in the way of my relationship with God.
One reason, and I am not saying that your church does or encourages this, for dating people outside the church, is something called "missionary" dating. Where a guy or a girl dates someone who is not a christian, or is attending another church, in an effort to convert them and bring them into the church.
There were no guys in my church I was interested in dating, but I could see where it would be a problem. I know someone who left my current church after a messy breakup (engagement) with a guy on the worship team.
I agree with @ProudToBeAChristianFruitcake@xanga - about dating outside the church to bring people to back to the church you attend. This is (sadly) true for my church. In youth group we were encouraged to date non-Christians, bring them to church, covert them, and then hopefully stay friends after breaking up. To some churches its just a numbers game.
im currently in korea and actually i guess you could say i want to find a good church to meet someone. my thing is that my mother is korean and its her first language, so getting someone who can communicate with my mother is a BIG PLUS you know? i think its good as long as a break up is ok, but if it gets messy, then it screws things up, people take sides/gossip, and altogether it pushes people apart.
i guess it really depends on the situation doesnt it?
Met and married a guy from my own church. If something had happened we would have had a hard time hanging our with our same group of friends, but not going to the same church.
I guess I can understand her reasons, but I think if you meet someone you want to date who is single, compatible with you, and interested in you, you shouldn't say, "oops! Can't date you! We go to the same church!" It's not quite the same as "Oops! Can't date you! We're related!"
About time someone brought up this issue. I'm a young adult and most of the people in my church are older adults and youths. There's only a few of us young adults, and all have SOs except me.
I'm in the music team and the church board, so I can't really leave. Even if I could, my conscience would prevent me from leaving my current church and going to another one (with more "fish"); we go to church for God, not for girls.
And so I hang on.
@Winsa@xanga - Well said!
I met my future husband at my church. We met at youthgroup and it has been wonderful. Everyone supports our relationship, our pastor prays for us all the time, it's awesome. I can see how it could go wrong, but it didn't in my case. I think as long as you are dating with the right intentions, and if you are keeping yourselves pure and not doing things that God doesn't want you to do, if you break up, you shouldn't have to switch churches. That's my opinion though.
I don't really DATE, date but I have a lot of good female friends where I go to church at. It's hard to say if I would prefer being romantic with them or if I would chose someone outside my home church.
@Red_Apocalypse_Horse@xanga - "We go to church for God, not girls." That just made me smile. I love your attitude!
I don't think I would be able to date any guy at my church. We all grew up together, and I know too much about them. If it were to happen, and if it were to end, it would be so awkward because everyone is friends with everyone (pretty much).
I very much could and would date someone at my church. I feel that in the end, that will lead to less problems than dating someone not at your church. You will already be agreeing on where to go to church if this does end in marriage. Plus, you both have the same general beliefs (typically, if you're at the same church to begin with). If it does end in a break-up, I have the faith that it wouldn't be a problem for us because I don't think it would be a nasty one, plus, even if it was, I would hope that we would both be mature enough to be able to still be around eachother, without actually being around eachother, you know? *shrugs*
I've seen it go both ways though. People dating in the church and it ending amazingly or people dating and it not ending so well - however, I haven't actually seen anyone leave the church because of that. They just simply avoid eachother for a while.
I think in all things God needs to be leading your choices. And specifically related to dating ive always believed it wise to befriend a person first (you'll learn far more about a person that way) and let God direct your steps, if that person is who God is leading you to, you'll know and it would be a natural progression and if not than it will not be devastating because you weren't more than friends and you were running after Gods will first and foremost and allowing God to bring the right person to run along side with you.
sorry that was a bit of a run on sentence...lol
My late grandma - a pastor's wife - told me that church was one of the best places to meet a man. She didn't mean go to church specifically to meet a man, but...you know what I mean. Good advice, but I don't really go to church anymore. I did (and if I were single) I wouldn't mind trying it. My parents, after all, went to the same church when they started dating.
I go to a very conservative indian pentecostal church. so we look down on dating all together. we condone arranged marriages as it is part of our culture. I personally have nothing against dating. I don't think it is wrong to date someone from your own church.. I think it is healthy to date someone that you have a spiritual connection with and someone that has the same beliefs.
no matter what.. every decision you make, especially when it comes to choosing your spouse, it should be according to God's will. : )