You know the ladies at church that smile at you every Sunday as you're entering the sanctuary? The ladies who have been at the church for years and have seen it through its "ups and downs"? The ladies who will hug you during the altar call and be sure to ask you what
exactly you need to pray for? I'm sure that you recognize the ladies that I'm talking about. They're wolves that come dressed in sheep's clothing. These are the ladies that are infamous throughout churches everywhere for their harmful, hurtful and evil gossip.
At my old church, a visiting pastor came and said a sermon called "tongue-pierced". In the sermon, the pastor specifically spoke about people in church who perpetuate and participate in treacherous and deceitful gossip. This pastor identified these people as the ones who will casually ask Sister or Brother Somebody to pray for Sister and Brother whoever and will spare no details in listing out the party's private affairs. Ostensibly, these church gossipers want to be "specific" in prayer so they give the details of the party in question to any listening ears that they can find. These listening ears can be trustworthy or otherwise but that's insignificant to the gossiper. These church-chatters simply want someone and something to keep their mouths moving.
Honestly, I'm not sure that all church gossipers mean to do any real harm in their gossip.
These people probably have very little happening in their own lives and unfortunately occupy their time while finding out about everyone else's business. But, while their yapping away and revealing someone's most painful and private secrets, they are destroying lives and reputations. A man at my old church came to me one day and he told me that my sister had asked for "prayer" for me years ago. When he told me the details of her prayer request, I was absolutely mortified. It was one of those things that only sisters should pray about together. I took it that if this man could come to me the prayer request, he had probably been all over the church with it. I wouldn't put it past this one either. He smiled on Sunday's and was everybody's "friend". In fact, after a major ordeal in our church occurred, he was sure to let me know that: "Well, I know more than most people." He was a church gossiper and worst of all, he was gossiping lies about me.
Church gossip may seem harmless and a fun way to pass time in between services, but you may be ruining someone's future with it. What if I wanted to date someone in the church or take office in the assembly and this lying gossip got into the wrong ears? It could've sabotaged my future. Needless to say, I have very little contact with this man because I have never really trusted him since. Moreover, I have very little respect for my sister because she violated an unspoken code between siblings.
Are there prayer requests that should just remain in between family members or very close friends? When do you seek prayer requests from people outside of your immediate circumstance and how much of the situation do you reveal? If you're going to put in a prayer request for someone, do you let the person that you're praying for know or leave it unbeknown to them? Have you ever been harmed by church gossip or have you ever participated in gossip?
Comments (13)
Ugh, this prayer gossip drives me nuts.
I mean, let's think about this for a minute - we pray to a God who we believe to be all knowing and all powerful. Why do we need to share ALL the details with Him when He already knows them? Therefore, it shouldn't be necessary to share all the details about someone's prayer request, especially if it hurts them.
Having grown up surrounded by church staff members, I've witnessed a whole lot of prayer request gossip going on. Yes, even among the church staff. Kinda makes me mad sometimes - one time I mentioned something about it to my parents and they got a little upset with me. They were appauled that I would think they were gossiping, not simply "praying" or discussing out of genuine concern for the people.
Usually when I'm sharing prayer requests, I don't use people's names and give very few details, unless the people gave me permission to share the details with others (even then, I'm cautious).
we just gossip about food..not people!
Church gossips are hurtful, and most know exactly what they are doing. They just use the excuse of "prayer requests" to justify their own behavior. You should confront your sister and explain how hurtful her behavior was, and how that has created a chasm in the trust you once had. Trust is by far the hardest thing to rebuild, especially with someone who has violated it. Your relationship with her may eventually heal, but will never be the same. You'd think we'd all learn from that, and not make that stupid mistake more than once. There is something to be said for living a life of honor, and living honorably.
My reputation in my church was destroyed, and my influence as an Elder in the church negated by busybody gossips. My situation occurred during a divorce a dozen years ago, and to this day there are still old gossips in the church that whisper when I walk past. Now that my kids are grown, I am looking for another church. Shame, when you've spent 29 years in the same church, serving and giving of yourself. I am fiercely loyal, and change does not come easy for me. But it is still a toxic environment after all these years. The same bunch has chased out several Pastors they didn't like, with their incessant gossiping and malcontent.
It is hard in a smaller town to change churches and not run across someone who knew you from (insert other church here) and have the gossip follow you. And you have to have to start the same defense at a new place. Unless you change cities, sometimes it is hard to get a fresh start.
I have never been a firm believer in "prayer requests" and intercessory prayer and all that. Seems to me that was more of an O.T. thing. Since we have direct communication with God thru Jesus, and God is all-knowing, can see past, present, and future, seems to me once we pray to God about our situation, that should be good enough. Why ask others to pray for you? Don't you trust God to give you an answer on just your own prayer alone? Why do dozens of people need to petition God on your behalf? If God knows the very number of hairs on your head, if He knows when a tiny sparrow falls, how much more would He know and care about you, especially when you turn to Him, honor Him, pray to Him?
I understand community prayer for someone in the congregation who is suffering, I think that needs to be directed by the Pastor, and discreetly. If "Mary" is having some health issues, the Pastor may ask if it would be alright to bring it to the congregation, with the intent that they would step in a help. Perhaps child care, someone to drive her to a Dr.s appointment, take casseroles over, help with household chores until she is better. A practical application of your faith. Sometimes it is not appropriate for the congregation to know, especially when someone has broken the law and is in jail or will go on trial. That just results in judgement and gossip. Sometimes those issues need to be prayed about in the circle of the Pastor and just the Elders, with the reminder that what is discussed and prayed about in this room, stays in this room. Gossip is evil, and a tool of Satan, and we need to be reminded of that.
@Masked_Melody@xanga - That's a very wise, mature, and responsible way to carry out intercessory prayer. You should post a flier about it @ your church!
I totally understand! I recently went through a miscarriage, and my interpreter at church (I'm hearing-impaired, and she, thank God, is not a gossip) ASKED ME FIRST if it was okay to mention our loss to the pastoral staff so they could pray for my husband and I. And, that was fine. She shared it with her daughter as well, who had gone through the same thing about five years earlier, and one other woman who is just as sweet and tenderhearted as they come--the kind who, if she knows someone needs prayer, she's actually PRAYING for them, not just talking about them. The nice thing was, it stopped with that small circle. And that was so important to me, because while I needed the prayer in such a difficult, painful time, I didn't need the WHOLE church to know what had just happened. Miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through, and particularly for the woman, it brings feelings not just of loss and hurt, but of depression and failure and guilt, thoughts like, "Did I do something to cause this?" and, "Is something wrong with me that made this happen?" Having someone DISCREET who knew who to share with and who not to share with really made a huge difference. The day of my D&C surgery (which I had to have because my body kept trucking along like the pregnancy was going just beautifully, even though the baby no longer had a heartbeat), my interpreter came, as well as Pastor Sue. It was such a blessing to my husband and I to have their support and prayers that day.
I've read some of your posts before, and I see that difficult family relationships are a recurring theme. Unfortunately, I can identify, and I know how hard it can be to not have that trust and closeness with your own kin. I'll be keeping you in my prayers--not necessarily for everything to suddenly become peachy-keen, because that may be unrealistic depending upon your circumstances. Rather, I'll pray for whatever is best and healthiest and most healing for you to happen. God bless!
@Ork58@xanga - Thank you so much for saying this. I literally JUST wrote an email to the culprit behind this church gossip. I feel lighter. I am so sorry to hear what happened to you after your divorce. That is terrible. In a previous article, one of the authors said that at a time of great crisis, church members should gather around and support one another. That's such a shame how they have treated you. They missed out on a great opportunity to show Christs' love. I think that's a way to look @ these situations. When we participate in gossip or ostracism, we are missing out on some of the best opportunities to show Christs' love. And in so doing, we're forfeiting some of our greatest joys and testimonies. Who would want to do that for a few minutes of cheap gossip. Those women are like people who give up a sale on Barneys NYC for the mark-off sale @ Walmart. Ultimately, it is their loss. One thing that I need to remember also is that God will vindicate us for these things. Take my situation for example. I finally got up the gumption to write an email that I have not written for years. I know this church-chatter is probably not ready to read it but God will deal with his heart accordingly and instruct him in how to be more responsible.
Starting over and moving to a new city is such an extreme response but it's often the only response in situations like you mentioned. This is one time for me to be thankful that I live in NYC! Thank you so much for you response. You really helped me to take the next step in confronting my church gossiper. I encourage you to do the same. Of course, I was in prayer about this as I wrote this article and for the past few days. So before you start taking on the world, go to God first.
Be encouraged.
Eryn
@Beautiful_Disaster_74@xanga - Thank you for sharing your positive experience with intercessory prayer. It's so important that along with talking about defeats, we even it out with talking about victories! I'm so glad that you had this experience. God is good and He assembles those who can minister and help one another! That is amazing to see!
About my family, thank you so much. Do I overshare that burden? I got paranoid about it the other night. But, I do think that God let me deal with the misery of a bad family to minister to others who have the same burden. Like dealing with a miscarriage, you need someone who can relate to you in a real way when it comes to having such a painful relationship with family. I hope I'm not presenting myself as "Oh poor me" because that's not the case. I prayed about this the other night because I was really hurt and upset that I got such a bad bunch of relatives. I said: "God, why would you bring me in this world full of hurtful and unloving people and leave me with a famil who is arguably more hurtful than strangers?" I kid you not, God said: "Because I want to show the world that is possible to love even when no one has showed you how..." I knew it was God because it came suddenly and left me with a feeling of peace.
Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! I will do the same.
Eryn
That's unnerving in a very special way. But of course you should have realized long ago that people anywhere are people anywhere. If they are a snake they are gonna be a snake, whether in the grass or behind the pulpit.
If the person wants it kept private, it should be kept private. I certainly wouldn't want the whole church knowing my business. If someone is going to pray for me, they can do so in private. If they aren't sure how to deal with me, they can discuss it with one trusted person who will keep things quiet.
@AceValentineRocks@xanga - Very well said...a snake is a snake whether in the grass or in a pulpit. But, I didn't ask for the prayer....my sister did.
There is a book called Sarach that is in the Catholic Bible but not in the Protestant Bible. It tells of the rarity of true friends.
This little bit of wisdom goes double when it comes to divulging personal information - especially at Church. Jesus had a special place in his heart for sinners and those are the kind of people who come to Church.
So be careful!
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In my church, where I have been active for most of my life, There is a well-to-do woman and assist pastor's wife leading the vicious gossip. They could be seen at vacation bible school, more often than not, slandering me. It is so ugly. There is some wierd queen bee aspect to it all, when they obsess over what I wear. I have been putting up with it for about six months. They spead this putrid lying everywhere. It is both disgusting and hurtful. I know they are allowing the devil to use them. I also know God is greater. I do get weary, though. People I thought were my friends believed them and helped it to spread. We are about to lose our second kid director in two years over it... Please pray for this situation. For the gossipers to be convicted, repent, and let it be known they were wrong...Maybe they could throw all this energy into actually helping someone...I just wanna say that because someone seems like noone doesn't give others the right to trampel all over their lives.