I have always had trouble getting along with my mother. Ever since I was old enough to have an opinion and arguably before then, my mother and I have been at odds. On top of that, I never even had a great relationship with my dad but that's a topic for another post entirely. A vast majority of my friends, peers, and coworkers have a relationship with at least one parent. It has really caused me to question a lot about my faith, myself, and the fairness of not being able to choose one's parents.
The idea of a parent is a tough one. What does it take to make a parent? What is a good parent and what is a bad parent? Absentee parents fall somewhere in between because even if they live at the same address as their children, they're emotionally unavailable. According to dictionary.com,
the definition for parent is: a mother or a father. I'm no expert on the etymology of words, but I think we should redefine parents a bit. A parent is someone who loves, nurtures, and cares for their young. There are plenty of "parents" in the world who may not have bore children of their body but have certainly bore children of their heart.
As a young Christian, I have been tormented by my relationship with my mother and my other family members. Over the years, my relationship with her and my siblings has deteriorated tremendously. On the one hand, Christians are told to be loving. We are to endure with one another and bare with one another. This is noble philosophy and life doctrine but implementation of it is excruciating. How do we know when to "endure with one and bare with one another" and when to draw the line to protect ourselves from mistreatment?
I have grappled with this concept for years. When I have asked my friends their opinion, most of them shrug their shoulders and insist that I have to accept my family how they are. Obviously, these are individuals with relatively functional families. They have no idea what I'm subjecting myself by toughing it out and "dealing" with some of my relatives.
Only until recently has God really started drawing my attention or I've been more attentive, to what His word says about parents and baring with them. A few days ago, I read 1 Kings 19: 20-21. It says: "Elisha then left his oxen and ran after Elijah. "Let me kiss my father and mother good-by," he said, "and then I will come with you." "Go back," Elijah replied. "What have I done to you?"....Then he set out to follow Elijah and became his attendant." In this verse, Elisha does not go back to his parents. Instead, he leaves his farming equipment and speeds to follow Elijah.
In Hebrews 11:24, the Bible says "By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh's daughter." In reality, Moses was the adopted son of Pharaoh's daughter but here's where the debate on parents comes in. Pharaoh's daughter had parented Moses as if he were her own son. But Moses refused this tie to the Pharaoh's daughter. Similarly, Christians are free to cast down false relationship or ties to people by faith. Being cared for as a child is important but it should not be the sole reason why we keep contact with or relate to people that did so. Parenting is so much more that providing for a child. It is having a relationship with a child.
I am sure that there are many people who have family problems. Not everyone needs to disown their parents and siblings to deal with it but sometimes it is necessary and even ordained by God. In Genesis 12:1, the Bible says: "The Lord had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your fathers' household and go to the land I will show you." The very first book in the Bible contains a story where God ordains a mighty man to leave his father's household. We are not meant to stay with our parents forever. There are plenty of stories throughout the Bible of people being at odds with family members. The story of Joseph is a prime example of sibling rivalry and dissension that leads to Joseph being betrayed and sold into slavery. His brothers were his blood kin but they did not have his best interest at heart. Maybe one way to analyze the story of Joseph is to say that God recognized the jealousy in the brothers of Joseph. Hence, he decided that it was even better for him to be sold into slavery than to live around a den of jealousy amongst "family ties".
Mothers, you can't live with 'em and you can't live without 'em. But God says that He will not leave us even when our mothers do. In my post:
"In my Darkest Hours...", I discuss the tension that can exist between family in greater depth. That post also talks about God's response as a loving Father and how He intervenes in these circumstances.
How do you define a parent? Have you ever had a really tumultuous relationship with a parent that you couldn't over come? If you did overcome it, how so? Do you think that God may be calling you to something greater that will draw you away from conventional family ties? When do you bare with a parent, and when is it time to walk away from emotionally abusive relationships?
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Comments (33)
Yes, I had a tumultous relationship with my mother. My Father passed away 25 years ago, and even then, he was more absent than being a parent. And I understand the pain you talk about. My mother passed away last year. Even then, I still can't get over the control she had on me. Not only was she abusive, but also controlling. Everything had to be done the way she wanted. I have discussed my pain in my posts. All, I can say is, I know how you feel.
I feel like I could have written that first paragraph myself. I definitely can relate to the pain you talk about. My dad left us when I was 12 and even before that he was an alcoholic and verbally abusive parent. My mom had to pick up the slack. She become depressed and was angry with God and was always out. Now that I'm an adult and I can look back at all the missed dinners and times she wasn't around to know my brothers and I needed her, I get upset.
Thankfully I have the Lord to help me learn to forgive. As Christians we are called to forgive and to love. More often it's our families that are the hardest to love. Even if we walk away or separate ourselves from them in order that we grow in our faith or relationship with Christ, we must never stop loving them or praying for them, and seeking the Lord to help us forgive them.
Also, sometimes a person just doesn't know how to be a parent either. I've been angry with God many times asking why He jipped me out of a good set of parents. But in the end God has reasons for allowing me to have the parents I was given. This is a lesson I am currently learning in my life.
My mother was just a bummer to be around, and it was becoming emotionally unhealthy for me- her behavior was the catalyst that plunged me into deep depression and a very intense self-hatred. When you're young, you don't want to hate your parents, because they are the sole thing keeping you alive, literally. You cannot survive as a young child without your parents. Because of this, hating them, or thinking that they do something to hurt you intentionally, for many, is too much to bear. This anger I felt towards my mother, I turned on myself. It was very destructive. The second I could, I moved as far away from her as I could, and I won't lie, I'm feeling better every day. Do I feel guilty that I still have frequent nightmares about my mom? Absolutely. And I still feel guilty that I don't like talking to her, and I call as little as possible. But ultimately, you need to be sure that you are doing what's best for you. Don't try and try to fix a relationship that the other side doesn't want fixed- you will set yourself up for heartbreak.
@Mal_P@xanga - I hate to say that I'm glad we have this in common but I am. A great book that you should pick up is called "Toxic Parents". It really goes in depth about the control that abusive (mental, physical, emotional) have on their children throughout life and even after their death. It has really made me open my eyes and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to walk away now.
Thanks for reaching out!
@Always_Thinking - You're so right about forgiveness. Our family is the hardest to love and forgive. In Proverbs it says that a brother scorned is harder to win than a city. And it's so true. Unfortunately, some parents don't understand the implications and explications of their actions. I find that the only thing to cancel out rage is compassion. I have to have compassion for my family members and like you said, say in continual prayer for them. We have these examples of parents to know how we should NOT be if and when we decide to have children. Thanks! And I love that you name is Always Thinking b/c that's what I'm always doing too!!!!!
@Shy___Away@xanga - AMEN!!! That is so true. And what's frustrating is that alot of churches or even church goers don't seem to ascribe to this reasoning. Like Always Thinking said, we have to forgive these people. But my pastor said something so powerful once when he said that forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation and starting up the relationship again. He said that sometimes we need to forgive people and get as far away from them as we can. I did the same thing as you. I packed up my bags and left very far away. Sometimes, my sister in law posts pictures on Facebook and I look at my "family" and say to myself: "That used to be my family". Really, God must be setting us up for a special ministry. He can turn our misery into our ministry. Check out this poem that I wrote. It talks exactly about getting away and why...
http://autymn.wordpress.com/2010/01/23/freedom/
@EBailey - You are welcome. I read the book "Toxic Parents" and believe me, that was so true, and I learnt a lot. I am glad I was completely far away from her for 20 years, but still she had that way of making life a misery.
But remember, if ever you want to talk, I am here. Take care...
i wish i knew
I agree with totally where you are coming from, I am dealing with something like that in my life and I am supportive of what you are saying.
We are also called to honor our father and mother.The callings of Elijah, Moses, and Abram were very specific. That doesn't neccesarily mean that we are all called in this manner. I don't know what your situation is or your heart in this matter is but please be cautious that you do not take scripture to back up your desires but rather interpret your desires in light of scripture. Hope that makes sense.
@scifly@xanga - I totally understand what you're saying. Honoring your parents applies to people that are living for God though I believe. Would you honor your mother and father if they told you to do something contrary to God's word? Technically, you would be following the Word by honoring your parents, but you will be blatantly disobeying the Word of God. Your point is valid. We do need to honor our mother and father but if they are mistreating us, we need to bring it to God in prayer. Ephesians 6:4 says: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instructions of the Lord." Decisions like the one I discuss in this post should only be made by prayer, rightly dividing the Word of God, possibly consulting a pastor or spiritual superior, and yielding to the Holy Spirit.
@Mal_P@xanga - @Always_Thinking - @Shy___Away@xanga - @EBailey - @Laiza@xanga - @sarahflorida1085@xanga - You can honor a parent for the good things that they have done, and still not honor the wrong things. I was raised by 8 parents [two from birth, step parents, and two sets of foster parents], so I have been on this journey myself.
As I had to address the places where I had been abused, I learned through grace and kindness that those parents did what they knew, and the best that they could considering their limitations. I don't have to like it, or hold it up as something worthy of praise. I only have to concede that I am required to note the things that they did that WERE worthy of praise, even if it is only for the things that they didn't do (like push us into a lake inside a car to drown, or actually abandon us in a trash bin). That's how I could do as God requires: honor my parents. The funny thing I see is that is the only commandment with a promise attached: "that it may be well for you and you may live a long and full life". So He knew it was gonna be a challenge for some of us.
My birth mother was the most dysfunctional, and I became aware that God wanted me to parent/mentor/nurture her. I can't tell you what a fit I pitched when that sunk in, lol. I can admit that I protested hotly that it was ME who needed reparations, and if she needed any of that, then it was someone else's job, not mine. But I love the God who wouldn't live without me. I love Him for the faithful Father he's proven himself to be over time, and I couldn't stay on the "NO" seat. I have been nurturing my birth mother for many years now, and I no longer have to cringe when I introduce her (shock!). She's more emotionally stable now, and even maintains a reasonable ability to enjoy life more than she used to, and on different terms that are less self destructive.
She wasn't always safe to be around, so I had to learn how to set boundaries with her, and I got that down before God asked me to mentor her. That was another reason I felt it was unfair of him - I had her at a niiice distance - FINALLY - and here he comes asking me to get closer and risk injury again. He reminded me that I knew how to get close in some ways, and not be at risk in others. He also promised that I was not abandoned and that any hurts I get He is faithful to heal. Bottom line: Did I trust Him more than I feared her? I felt a blush and answered, "Here am I Lord, you can send me" (not quite the enthusiasm the Prophet had, but give me a break, I was tryin', lol).
What I learned as I nurtured was that she'd had some bad stuff to endure, too. And as long as I saw her as just an older lady friend, I could be congenial and nice to her. It was a shame for me to see that I needed to think of her that way (not my mother), or I tended to get rude and unkind to her! The enemy knows how to mess with us - y'know?
There are some great book on setting boundaries and dealing with codependency. We get codependent by learning how to survive in desperate situations. But what we used to survive on a desert island is not going to be appropriate in the suburbs or at an office job. We need to let some of the coping mechanisms that helped us survive in our childhoods go at some point. That requires faith and desire for healthy relationships that can handle the unhealthy ones, too.
Your post shows that you are on the right track, and I know you'll find ways to grow and become a wonderful mother yourself some day :).
jus'me
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I haven't recognized any posts from men so I may be the first.
I can relate to your struggle. My parents likely should have never parented children but they did. My father walked out of my life in my early 20s. My mother is a difficul woman, who has repeatedly attempted to undermine my relationships with women. I've struggled with my mother and have had to separate myself from her for years to create balance.
As a Christian, I've read the same verses that you cite and have come to similar conclusions.
My struggle is in handling the humiliation of my parents. Extended family members, friends and romantic interests have all struggled with my decisions. Some struggle to believe my experiences with my mother b/c these experiences contradict their impression of her. Some develop doubts about me, believing I have "issues". Some are afraid to get close to me. Some believe I should forgive and forget. Others suggest that I kill my mother with kindness, which I've tried more than once.
In the end, I feel misunderstood and even more alone. I begin to wonder if I'll ever have a normal life. I am humiliated by my parents. How could parents be so intentionally cruel to their children?
I struggle to share myself with others for fear that they will flee, believing the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. When I speak of my immediate family, they sense my humiliation, which becomes a concern for them.
I'm not handling my feelings of humiliation very well. So I wonder if others have experienced the same and how they turned a negative into a positive.
Dear Eryn-Ashlei,
I must confess you are ding a great job here. I find it inspiring,i will join you on facebook and i hope you do join me in my page"Great People from Broken Homes" as we talk,share and help individuals from broken families..i guess we are fighing one course..Thanks.
Best wishes,
Vivian Chioma
I did not see any comments from mothers so I guess I am first. I have two adult sons both of whom I love very much. I was a working mother and did everything for them I could. They are both college graduates for which they owed no money for when they graduated. They both married, had families, everything was great, both daughter-in-laws were accepted and loved. Then everything changed for my older son, he was divorced, his children wanted no contact with him. He was broken emotionally and financially, he moved back home with his father and me. We were agreeable to this move, this was at a time when my husband was critically ill with cancer. There was no help forth coming from my son, he was an alcoholic and hooked up every weekend with women with loose moral charachter. Of course, this created problems. He did stay with my husband some at the end when he was in hospice. He received 4 DUI arrests within a period of 10 months, I bailed him out of all and after the 4th arrest; he did agree to go to a faith based rehab center. He completed this rehab and served 13 months in prison. He was released this past April, says he is a Christain and does not drink (that I am aware of). He does not have drivers' license or a car. He is barely able to pay his child support, and lives at home with me. I cannot tell you the hurt this son has caused me.
You would think a woman would run from this history, but he has now hooked up with a woman, she comes to my house every Friday to pick him up and returns on Sunday. They went to high school together, had not seen each other in 30 years and she invited him to her apartment for an overnighter sight unseen. I can see the pattern developing for him going back to his old ways, therefore; I do not approve of this relationship and do not accept this woman at all. Although it breaks my heart, I am considering servering my relationship with him to avoid more hurt. I have been through hell the past five years and cannot take any more. It is not always the mother!
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sarahflorida1085 Its unfortunate that you do not have the holy spirit teaching you the
Word of God. Advising someone to stay in a relationship with a parent
that is abusive is ignorant. Do you also tell women married to abusive
men to stay married because God doesn't like divorce? Please, before
handing out advice that you think you have based on the Word of God
first seek the holy spirit for proper revelation and the wisdom that
comes with that revelation. Honoring your parents as it has been
revealed to me by the holy spirit (not my own interpretation) is
respecting them as the parents you have that brought you into the world
and given you life. Yes, they do deserve respect for that even if that
is all they did that was good. Children are a gift from God and parents
have a responsibility to properly care and love their children. Even
into adulthood the parent is always the parent and should be the source
of unconditional love and emotional support. When that doesn't happen
for whatever reason, the emotional turmoil and the impact it has on the
child's life is far reaching and not something God would ever have
someone endure if they have a choice. The holy spirit has shown me that
as children, allowing a parent or parents to abuse or mistreat you
actually brings dishonor to them (the parents) because you are allowing
them and helping them defile the Will of God. Your acting as a martyr
for the sake of what you think is God's Will by allowing them to treat
you poorly but in actuality your helping them to dishonor God and His
Will in their life and yours. Tough love is often a necessary route in
order to assist someone in understanding the error of their ways.
Sometimes, even that is not enough for the parent to seek change in
their behavior and treatment toward their child. You do not bring glory
to God by allowing anyone to mistreat or abuse you......you are a child
of God and His prized possession to be cherished and loved.
@scifly@xanga -
I was just reading some of the issues people are having with their parents, it talks in the Bible about honoring your father and mother that it will be well, that in other words, that you may have a long and prosperous life. That doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they do or say at all times!
But it does mean to Not disrespect them. I have seen this in my own life, my mom and I have had to really work on our relationship, I was personally more close to my Dad who did pass away a few yrs ago. But hey, God is trying to teach me patience and love, his love is unconditional. So that's how I'm learning to love my own mom. I have 2 grown adult children, one who has totally taken scripture out of context and because he doesn't agree with everything I do and say, he will not speak to us anymore,very very sad. The other is Not a christian and we talk quite a bit and still see her. So hey, quit taking scripture out of context, accept the parents that have been given to you. If you don't want to see them, at least call them now and then and send them Christmas or birthday cards, and show them respect, anything less is Not of God.
I want to say your a very pretty girl lol by the way but by your topic.. I just want to ask you "Why do you not get along with your mom?" I mean does she cause drama? Has she been very loving toward you? I don't have that great of a relationship with my mom, partly because I'm so defensive and judgemental of my mom.. one thing she does wrong.. I hold it against her and its really bad I need to change that of myself..
I know you and your mom can have a good time.. but it takes both sides showing love.. I'd say.. Don't turn your back on your mom unless shes violent... or a bad influence but if shes trying her best and loves you, you should try to love her in return and im sure youve tried but i'd say.........
Dont give up on family because they're all you have and you don't want them to die and your at their funeral saying "I should of spent more time with my mom.." yeah your mom may be hard to deal w/ sometimes but she has a diff. personality than yours lol and she may not agree w/ everything you say or you guys may butt heads but thats what family isa bout i guess.. just pray for a stronger relationship and i know god will give that to you
bye and god bless
God truly sent this blog my way and I am so grateful. I can totally relate to everything I have read thus far from the author and those who have commented. Although it is unfortunate that we have all had to deal with this in life, I am relieved to know that I am not alone in this struggle. It's been a difficult journey because just like many of you have mentioned, my friends and other peers cannot relate to the struggles and hardships I've experienced my entire life dealing with my mother. Recently my mother assaulted me very badly and my face is scarred with the evidence of her vicious attack. So forgiveness has been more of a challenge than anyone around me can imagine. I just came across the book Toxic Parents yesterday while online searching for help with this. From reading here I see that it is a book that will assist me with this process.
Kudos and big thanks to the author for being transparent and sharing this blog! You have helped those of us who would have otherwise felt alone in this situation know that we are all MORE THAN CONQUERORS! We need a support group! Feel free to shout out to me at tspeakk@gmail.com and be encouraged through the growth and healing process everyone!
I have a situation where my mother and father always favoured my older brother over me.When my dad got caught cheating my mother took it out on me and because i reminded her of my dad i was abandoned from both parents at 15 yrs old.Im turning 40 this year and havent spoke to anyone of my 3 family members in years and we drifted apart but since I adopted a little girl my biological mother wants to have a relationship with me. How can i forgive my mother? i need to protect my daughter from her. I also feel my mother will definately favour my brothers kids over my little girl.I would just like to know how to forgive them becuase im trying still but i just cant seem to overcome this and forgive anyone of them. Anyone with any suggestions????????????????????????
@ dannydoo.
I am 42 years now and in the same situation as yourself. I remind my mum of inlaws she hates so much(my fathers family)
Mum loves the story of Rebecca, Jacob,Esau and Isaac, its like her motto for inequality....................now i question a lot about chrisitanity
My sister is always favoured over me,
Her children are favoured over my child.
We are more or less like 2nd class citizens or spare part in the garage: dug out only when needed
You either learn to deal with it or stay away from them. Dont expect equality;that discrimination inequalityand exclusion would still be there, Honestly it will be a miracle if they do otherwise.
However you can forgive them, as to contacting them that is your choice, if you choose to start a relationship again, do keep your BALM of Gilead close by, you'll need it to deal with wounds they would continuosly open...............
Go get damaged by hateful words and attitude or bless God for deliverance and move on (hmmmmm...I just wonder how much more theoritical christians what us to take)
its good to find a place wea I can relate to pple who are from broken families.Both my parents are themselves from broken families and it seems they just continued the cycle.This has left us children damaged and with low self esteem, but i thank God for people like you who are willing to come out and help others with a similar problem. Its frustrating when you tell people and they cant relate with you because they've come from relatively ok families but I believe there's hope so that none of the generation of children who come after me will have to experience what it is to have lived in a broken family and that I myself(& hopefully my siblings) will finally get healing from all the emotional damage.
@angys_coco@xanga - I feel that this post is me to a tee. My dad left the family when I was 8, even though he's still around I don't see him as much. My mother has carried around all that hate and anger the last 13 years, with other bad things that have happened to her. She takes the anger out on us the kids, always screaming, depressed, and controlling of all of our actions and takes no accountability for it, she was even physically abusive towards me some years ago. It's not all her though obviously, I have an attitude on me that gets her going, and my sister really riles her up, but I feel nothing but bitterness towards her because of all of this that just still continues, even though she is a great mom if you get rid of all the negativity. I feel that she wants me to be as miserable as she is and hate on my dad and whoever else, but I want to do the right thing and forgive and move on with my life, I'm trying to forgive her as well but this behavior won't die down anytime soon unless she gets help. She's a high believer in God as am I but I really want this dysfunction in our family to die down a bit, I just want her to be happy, to at least try and change her thinking around, from negative to positive but she acts like a victim to everything. It's tough, I don't really know what to do, if i leave her to go live with my dad or whatever I'd feel like I betrayed her and what not.